How to deal with a 12 year old

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Perhaps he cried because the man told him he couldn’t play his computer game/go to the store/whatever because of his behavior. .

No I think he cried because the nanny obviously meant business and he was frustrated. The man had not said anything to him yet when he started crying

The child DID deal with his feelings- he cried. That’s an ok way to deal with feelings; I know plenty of adults who do so that way…

No he did not deal with it. After crying he emailed his mom asking her to fire me and the nanny. That is NOT dealing with feelings appropriately

Inform parents of these expectations/consequences.

Clearly relay these expectations to the children. Be specific…

Sadly that will not work. If I was to say 'When the kids do this, the consequence will be such and such, the parents will NEVER inforce my idea if it requires the smallest amount of energy on their part. One day the first thing I said to the mom was ‘today I would like to proceed like this’ to which she said great and 5 minutes later the mom is the one who interupted and put the whole plan out of whack

If you think he needs to work off some anger or emotion or whatever, suggest to the nanny he’s been feeling frustrated, and he’d probably find it helpful to go play outside for a bit after the lesson, etc. You can also, FIRMLY, tell him, “I know you are mad at me. If you need to go (run to the end of the yard in back, do 10 pushups, etc,- you choose ONE to suggest, he doesn’t get the choice right now), then do so, then sit back here.” If he does not return/listen, follow through with your action plan for bad behavior.

That would NEVER work. These kids just do NOT play outside. It would be easier to get them to spend the day in their room than suggest they go play outside

 

[dshix]

No I think he cried because the nanny obviously meant business and he was frustrated. The man had not said anything to him yet when he started crying

No he did not deal with it. After crying he emailed his mom asking her to fire me and the nanny. That is NOT dealing with feelings appropriately

Sadly that will not work. If I was to say 'When the kids do this, the consequence will be such and such, the parents will NEVER inforce my idea if it requires the smallest amount of energy on their part. One day the first thing I said to the mom was ‘today I would like to proceed like this’ to which she said great and 5 minutes later the mom is the one who interupted and put the whole plan out of whack

That would NEVER work. These kids just do NOT play outside. It would be easier to get them to spend the day in their room than suggest they go play outside

I think you are overthinking the situation. The 12-year old kid is just that; a 12-year old kid. This is not an adult, with whom you need to make full positive contact in order to reconcile.

Children learn what is good and bad behavior by the reactions of the people around them. When they get a very bad reaction to a particular behavior, they gradually work it off. This is how the world works, and how a family prepares a child for the outside world, where things are tough, and you often don’t get a second chance.

It is the same in this classroom. If you give a kid either positive or negative feedback, he learns better behavior; and in this case, negative feedback was important to receive.

 

[chevalier]

Thank You !

Yes I am an adult.

And CAT, the disrespectful behaviour was NOT crying. It was when the nanny was talking to him about his earlier behaviour that I don’t feel is necessary to go into detail.

To others, the point that perhaps I am most concerned about is AFTER we talked to him about his behaviour, for revenge he wrote his mom an email and said to fire us. The point I am trying to make is THAT is how I think the child should be showed how to handle negative emotions. But as others have said, that is probably not something I can do

CM

Can it be that the boy has a full schedule of academics without any athletics to burn the energy or free time to feel some rest and some power to shape the way things go in his life?

But like someone said hard love tends to be good. Maybe not exactly zero tolerance but being habitually stern (while not ideal) probably works better than being moody and unpredictable, which is how one is perceived if reactions aren’t consistent. You need to be strong, not break easily, not freak out, not show weakness, but not overdo on authority (e.g. always loosen the yoke when it would seem that sheer justice requires it, or that it won’t hurt), this is what I think. But I have very little personal experience, it’s more like trying to recall what things would’ve worked when I was that age or when I tutored students who had problems with Latin in high school or at university. Last time I had to deal with a girl that age, which was quite a handful, I ignored all insults, complaints etc. and upheld my orders until they were carried out. Kid learnt eventually. Also, it never was bad to leave the student to his own devices for a while or two and readjust, e.g. by looking out the window with a coffee cup in my hand or something like that (and I made a show of taking it strong, black and without sugar, not always one cup per session).

I went to tutor today and it is obvious the parents had a talk to this kid. He was really well behaved. I suspect they talked to all the kids because his sister (who can act up as well) did a good job of listening to me. I did try to be more firm than usual. I did not feel comfortable discussing yesterday’s behaviour any further because it was obvious the parents did.

I do however plan on not letting things build up like they did. My heart still bleeds because I don’t think this kid is being shown what appropriate behaviour is and probably sometimes he acts up because he does not know what else to do. But… that is where I need to respect the parents decision to bring him up as they choose

CM

Well, you might try to exude some justice and proportionality that the kid would be able to pick up from you. IMHO this might be underappreciated by adults. It’s important to show the kids that we’re actually sane and not hyprocites who “lose it” ourselves but punish them when they can’t control their own emotions (in which area the expectations for us should be higher than for them, otherwise it’s argument from authority).

 

[gardenswithkids]

Since you are tutoring the boy, I would expect that the child is having difficult in some subject otherwise they probably wouldn’t have hired a tutor. Besides all the other suggestions you’ve been given, go back and look at what you were teaching and how you were teaching it at the time when the behavior problem occured.

He might have behavioral issues, but the underlying issue might be that he’s struggling with the material more than you realize. Many times learning and behavior problems go together. Expect better behavior from him, but don’t expect him to easily learn the materials that you’re trying to teach him. Evaluate your teaching methods.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Here’s a recent article I read: “Celebrate Boys’ Boyness and Work With It” theglobeandmail.com/commentary/celebrate-boys-boyness-and-work-with-it/article5370557/

I thought of this thread when I read the article–especially this quote, “In order to do well, it’s much more important for a boy to have a good relationship with the teacher.” Since the op is tutoring this boy, it’s important that they develop a good working relationship. The op needs to go out of the way to make sure that happens! If the op wants to keep this tutoring job and be successful at it, he/she needs to find a way to connect with this child.

It seems like very strange dynamics for a tutor to put a student at a table with the nanny overseeing his work. I think of tutoring as more one-on-one with tutor and student, with the tutor overseeing the work. (It sounds like there is more than one child be tutored at the same time. Perhaps for this child, it would be more successful if the tutor worked with him one-on-one.) Tutoring doesn’t neccessarily require working at a table or desk. If a child is figity, perhaps he can move around or they can sit together on the floor or on a couch or even go outside and work with chalk on the driveway or sticks and rocks in the sandbox. (The op mentioned those children *never *play outside–that could be part of the problem also.) But whereever they work and whatever materials they use to work-- they should be working together while the tutor makes sure the student understands the materials and progresses at his own pace. Part of the job of a tutor is to find a way to help the pupil succeed. Find a way for the boy to succeed, then stay by him and support his efforts until he accomplishes the task.

When they work together, I suggest that the tutor needs to respect this boy --and his “boyness” (see the article linked above) --before the boy will respect and learn much from the tutoring. If the tutor can’t do that, then the boy might have been perfectly justified in emailing his mother to request a different tutor.

 

[cmscms]

Since you are tutoring the boy, I would expect that the child is having difficult in some subject otherwise they probably wouldn’t have hired a tutor. .

No the boy is actually quite smart. I think it is just that the parents don’t discipline consistently. They wait until things get out of proportion to do anything

CM

 

[gardenswithkids]

No the boy is actually quite smart. I think it is just that the parents don’t discipline consistently. They wait until things get out of proportion to do anything

CM

Well, smart people can find some areas challenging. Smart people can even disguise serious learning disabilities rather well. I’m not saying that the child has a learning disability, but you shouldn’t rule out that possibility just because he’s smart. The parents lack of discipline may indeed be a problem, but keep an open mind that the child may need more than just strong discipline in order to learn whatever you hope to teach him.

Would you mind sharing what subject you were hired to tutor? And also would you mind sharing, besides his attitude of not wanting to sit and do the work you assign, what specific work isn’t he performing up to your standards?

 

[cmscms]

Well, smart people can find some areas challenging. Smart people can even disguise serious learning disabilities rather well. I’m not saying that the child has a learning disability, but you shouldn’t rule out that possibility just because he’s smart. The parents lack of discipline may indeed be a problem, but keep an open mind that the child may need more than just strong discipline in order to learn whatever you hope to teach him.

Would you mind sharing what subject you were hired to tutor? And also would you mind sharing, besides his attitude of not wanting to sit and do the work you assign, what specific work isn’t he performing up to your standards?

He is performing his work excellently. The incidence was over his disrespectable behaviour and I wanted to sit him in the kitchen for the nanny to make sure he would work quietly while I tutor the other kids. I don’t think any other details are necessary

CM