How to deal with boyfriend's porn addiction

  • Thread starter Thread starter 1cor1313
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
1

1cor1313

Guest
My boyfriend (mid-20s) of nearly a year recently told me he is addicted to pornography. At first I didn’t know how to react. He told me because he wanted me to know that he was trying to stop because he wants me to be the only woman he will ever look at again. He told me he’s been trying to stop for a while and that he makes it for some time then crashes and binge watches it.
Since he revealed this to me, I find myself wondering whether he’s crashed again when he doesn’t reply to a text after a few hours or if he says he hasn’t gotten much work done because he’s been distracted. We spoke about it at length again after he told me that he did indeed watch porn again. I know it is difficult and that it won’t go away overnight. It’s an addiction and I have to be patient and loving and pray for his healing and strength. But I’m crushed. It feels like he’s been cheating on me and I’m struggling with being able to trust him, even knowing that he did come clean to me. I still feel betrayed and it makes me physically ill when I think of him falling again.
I’m sure there are other women who have experienced the same thing. How did you come to forgiveness and how did you maintain the strength to be loving and supportive when he needed it most from you?
 
You deal with it by making him your ex-boyfriend. Then you thank God you found out while there was still a chance to escape.

Seriously, don’t ever believe you can change anyone. What you see is what you get.
 
When I first started dating I had this rule. The other person couldn’t be a smoker. For two reasons. I have asthma and I get worse if I breathe the smoke a lot. Second I didn’t want a guy that was addicted to the most available drug. Porn in an addiction just like smoking drinking or even working too much (workaholics). The problem with porn is that besides being an addiction it’s something that destroys trust in a relationship unless both are into it.
My advice? Ditch the guy with addictions 🙂
 
He is not your husband. No it is not your role to be patient and wait for him to do whatever it is he is going to do.

Dating is a time to discern whether someone is a suitable partner for marriage. Not a time to try to change unsuitable ones into suitable ones. That doesn’t work.

Is it possible for him to overcome a porn addiction? yes. With difficulty. But it should be because he firmly believes pornography is gravely wrong, he detests his sin, and he wants to please GOD. Not simply to please someone else, keep you dating him, or so you won’t be “mad”. That won’t last.
 
To throw this guy away completely ?

I don’t know about that.

Is he dialogueing with you? Is he trying to become a better man because of you? Is your relationship bring both of you closer or farther away from God ? …

If he is working at this AND being truthful with you…these are all great positives and if the above is true…they are WONDERFUL signs!

Now, all that being said… a person with this addiction CAN NOT love you rightly the way you are entitiled to be loved being a daughter of God. I would not be exclusive with this individual and marriage CAN NOT be on the table right now.

Be loving and kind (again, it’s great he’s open and not hiding) but he needs to also be accountable!

Being loving, forgiving and being able to go through this with him (if you cant handle it…cause it is a cross for you…it would be justified to leave him). Offer up the cross and be forgiving…show him TRUE love.

He and u need to pray a lot, go to confession, Eucharistic adoration, fasting helps people gain control over bodily desires and strengthens the will, praying for porn stars and the like and praying for their dignity and their healing (they’re hurt people).

I also suggest for the both of you “women, gods masterpiece” and “winning the battle for sexual purity” …that both of you should listen to these together…easily bought/found on the internet…>REALLY, REALLY good stuff! Helps you see things rightly.

Also, looking into why it’s happening…the root cause.

God bless
 
You are not his wife, so you are not obligated to stand by him through this. With that being said, as someone who is trapped in a similar addiction, I can tell you that the support of my wife has been invaluable to me. It is an incredibly difficult addiction to overcome, especially given the ease with which it can be accessed. If he’s serious about recovery, you should encourage him to seek out a support group.
 
I can tell you with first-hand experience - please do yourself a favor and do not see this man any longer. If I had known that my husband had a sexual addiction before we had married, I never would have married him. It’s too hard - on you and on him. Yes, it feels like infidelity because when you’re married it IS infidelity. And unfortunately, many counselors/therapists - even Christian ones- will say that it’s no big deal.

Be charitable and loving. Tell him you’ll be praying for his recovery. But unless and until he kicks it for GOOD, you need to walk away. Walk. Away.
 
1cor1313 said:
My boyfriend (mid-20s) of nearly a year recently told me he is addicted to pornography. At first I didn’t know how to react. He told me because he wanted me to know that he was trying to stop because he wants me to be the only woman he will ever look at again. He told me he’s been trying to stop for a while and that he makes it for some time then crashes and binge watches it.
Since he revealed this to me, I find myself wondering whether he’s crashed again when he doesn’t reply to a text after a few hours or if he says he hasn’t gotten much work done because he’s been distracted. We spoke about it at length again after he told me that he did indeed watch porn again. I know it is difficult and that it won’t go away overnight. It’s an addiction and I have to be patient and loving and pray for his healing and strength. But I’m crushed. It feels like he’s been cheating on me and I’m struggling with being able to trust him, even knowing that he did come clean to me. I still feel betrayed and it makes me physically ill when I think of him falling again.
I’m sure there are other women who have experienced the same thing. How did you come to forgiveness and how did you maintain the strength to be loving and supportive when he needed it most from you?
Click to expand...
There’s some excellent advice above, but I know it’s hard to decide what to do. Porn is an extremely powerful addiction, and it’s not always conquered. Very often not, unfortunately. Is he a practicing Catholic? Does he understand the seriousness of the porn and wish to stop sinning — or just try to stop to please you?
As a wife who discovered her husband’s porn addiction after we were married for many years, I personally would not have married him if I had known before we got married and know what I know now. The fact that you’re not engaged yet gives you an excellent and fairly easy reason to end the relationship and find someone more suitable who will respect you and all women by not looking at porn. My husband still hasn’t fully conquered the addiction, and many men don’t/won’t/can’t.
There’s a support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering because of Unchastity,” which deals with the intense hurt that women experience because of this specific issue with the men in their lives. You or any other women reading this and going through the anguish may wish to join. It’s helped me tremendously in my marriage.
Please think good and hard before continuing in the relationship. There are too many of us wives who wish we had found out early enough in the relationship as you have and were strong enough to move on and away from it before bringing children into the equation.
God’s blessings and assistance to you in your decision.
 
First thing he needs, is to understand the severity of the problem

amazon.com/Integrity-Restored-Catholic-Families-Pornography-ebook/dp/B00N2V6X4Q

That book is a very good book. I too struggle from this. I love my wife very much, but the addiction and struggle is difficult and very real.

This was a good starting point for me.

Ill also give the advice that a priest told me. If he is serious about trying to stop, this easy advice helped me a lot. Get busy. Every time he feels the urge, or feels the occasion of sin coming on, do something. Read a book. Pray a prayer. Play a video game. Anything to get past that first few minutes of the urge. Learning to deal with the first few minutes of the urge is probably the hardest part.

Good luck.
 
Before I was married, I looked at Playboy & Penthouse magazines at work or bought one occasionally. After we were married, and started making love, those things made me feel I was doing her a dis-service.
There were no porn computer sites in those days…thank God! When I see anything on the computer that sounds like porn if it’s opened, I delete it.

Your boyfriend must do the same.
 
He is cheating on you. You can be patient with him if you so wish, but it’s not good. Give him a certain amount of time to break this addiction and if he does not…

Well, I think you know what you have to do.

A priest told me about this site. It seems very good, and is a means for men and women too, i suppose, to break various forms of sexual addiction:

www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com

1ke has given you very good advice.
 
Is he a Catholic? Is he going to the sacraments?
We have such an awesome and powerful gift in the sacraments. The power of God comes down upon us when we avail ourselves of them. When someone has an addiction, if they are battling it on their own, how can they prevail? How can they win the battle? How can they continue to walk in freedom? It’s the power of Christ who ‘sets the captives free’. Here is where there is lasting freedom from bondage.

If your future husband is not frequenting the sacraments and getting plugged into God daily, how is he going to manage his life? His marriage and children? When there’s pressure on each side with demanding jobs, monthly payments, kids that each need special attention and graces? Perhaps serious illness, setbacks? This is only a symptom of what’s going on in the spiritual realm. He is drowning in sand and needs to get onto the rock that is Christ. When or if that happens, no one can say.
 
Sugabee43 said:
I can tell you with first-hand experience - please do yourself a favor and do not see this man any longer. If I had known that my husband had a sexual addiction before we had married, I never would have married him. It’s too hard - on you and on him. Yes, it feels like infidelity because when you’re married it IS infidelity. And unfortunately, many counselors/therapists - even Christian ones- will say that it’s no big deal.

Be charitable and loving. Tell him you’ll be praying for his recovery. But unless and until he kicks it for GOOD, you need to walk away. Walk. Away.
Click to expand...
I hope Op will listen to you because your advice is first hand. There have been many very good comments here which state she should move on. Problems seen before marriage will become major issues afterwards. This is a major issue and no matter what this guy is saying that he is trying to quit, she needs to do herself a favor and move on. One should not be marrying someone else with the hope or the idea that some big issue will change afterwards. It rarely works that way at all. We have too many threads on CAF where people ignored red flags and ended up marrying and now have real big problems on hand with 2 kids in the middle. Porn use, drug and alcohol use, differences in religion and commitment to religion are all big red flags that should not be ignored.
 
MichaelHowling said:
To throw this guy away completely ?

I don’t know about that.

Is he dialogueing with you? Is he trying to become a better man because of you? Is your relationship bring both of you closer or farther away from God ? …

If he is working at this AND being truthful with you…these are all great positives and if the above is true…they are WONDERFUL signs!

Now, all that being said… a person with this addiction CAN NOT love you rightly the way you are entitiled to be loved being a daughter of God. I would not be exclusive with this individual and marriage CAN NOT be on the table right now.

Be loving and kind (again, it’s great he’s open and not hiding) but he needs to also be accountable!

Being loving, forgiving and being able to go through this with him (if you cant handle it…cause it is a cross for you…it would be justified to leave him). Offer up the cross and be forgiving…show him TRUE love.

He and u need to pray a lot, go to confession, Eucharistic adoration, fasting helps people gain control over bodily desires and strengthens the will, praying for porn stars and the like and praying for their dignity and their healing (they’re hurt people).

I also suggest for the both of you “women, gods masterpiece” and “winning the battle for sexual purity” …that both of you should listen to these together…easily bought/found on the internet…>REALLY, REALLY good stuff! Helps you see things rightly.

Also, looking into why it’s happening…the root cause.

God bless
Click to expand...
rescue marriages are usually a set up for divorce. She isn’t going to fix him. This isn’t her problem and all she will do is face heart ache later.
 
1cor1313 said:
My boyfriend (mid-20s) of nearly a year recently told me he is addicted to pornography. At first I didn’t know how to react. He told me because he wanted me to know that he was trying to stop because he wants me to be the only woman he will ever look at again. He told me he’s been trying to stop for a while and that he makes it for some time then crashes and binge watches it.
Since he revealed this to me, I find myself wondering whether he’s crashed again when he doesn’t reply to a text after a few hours or if he says he hasn’t gotten much work done because he’s been distracted. We spoke about it at length again after he told me that he did indeed watch porn again. I know it is difficult and that it won’t go away overnight. It’s an addiction and I have to be patient and loving and pray for his healing and strength. But I’m crushed. It feels like he’s been cheating on me and I’m struggling with being able to trust him, even knowing that he did come clean to me. I still feel betrayed and it makes me physically ill when I think of him falling again.
I’m sure there are other women who have experienced the same thing. How did you come to forgiveness and how did you maintain the strength to be loving and supportive when he needed it most from you?
Click to expand...
“Addicted” may be the right word. With addictions, treatment exists. If he is willing to get help, it might be okay to continue with him, but it’d probably be beneficial if he were willing to seek professional help. Well, he’s tried to overcome his addiction on his own, hasn’t been unsuccessful trying to “go it alone”.

Now, I haven´t known anyone who’s used this site so can´t say if it works. It is just one example of support that is available. There are also psychologists.

sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction/
 
robwar said:
I hope Op will listen to you because your advice is first hand. There have been many very good comments here which state she should move on. Problems seen before marriage will become major issues afterwards. This is a major issue and no matter what this guy is saying that he is trying to quit, she needs to do herself a favor and move on. One should not be marrying someone else with the hope or the idea that some big issue will change afterwards. It rarely works that way at all. We have too many threads on CAF where people ignored red flags and ended up marrying and now have real big problems on hand with 2 kids in the middle. Porn use, drug and alcohol use, differences in religion and commitment to religion are all big red flags that should not be ignored.
Click to expand...
Thanks, Rob. Unfortunately, after almost 22 yrs of marriage, it’s not looking good at this point. We are trying every suggestion given to us, but he’s convinced nothing will change. There’s more than just the addiction at play, but it’s the major one. Pray for us.
 
Sugabee43 said:
Thanks, Rob. Unfortunately, after almost 22 yrs of marriage, it’s not looking good at this point. We are trying every suggestion given to us, but he’s convinced nothing will change. There’s more than just the addiction at play, but it’s the major one. Pray for us.
Click to expand...
well I would say that’s problem number 1, if he doesn’t think anything will change, then it obviously won’t
 
1cor1313 said:
My boyfriend (mid-20s) of nearly a year recently told me he is addicted to pornography. At first I didn’t know how to react. He told me because he wanted me to know that he was trying to stop because he wants me to be the only woman he will ever look at again. He told me he’s been trying to stop for a while and that he makes it for some time then crashes and binge watches it.
Since he revealed this to me, I find myself wondering whether he’s crashed again when he doesn’t reply to a text after a few hours or if he says he hasn’t gotten much work done because he’s been distracted. We spoke about it at length again after he told me that he did indeed watch porn again. I know it is difficult and that it won’t go away overnight. It’s an addiction and I have to be patient and loving and pray for his healing and strength. But I’m crushed. It feels like he’s been cheating on me and I’m struggling with being able to trust him, even knowing that he did come clean to me. I still feel betrayed and it makes me physically ill when I think of him falling again.
I’m sure there are other women who have experienced the same thing. How did you come to forgiveness and how did you maintain the strength to be loving and supportive when he needed it most from you?
Click to expand...
Both men and women have gone through this, and I understand both ends of this situation. Your boyfriend needs counseling to get over this, and that means finding a counselor who sees this as wrong, some “free-love” type who thinks most any sexual behavior is a “choice”. :rolleyes:

Also, you need to tell him what you told us earnestly. Frankly, the use of porn by a partner doesn’t bother some people. You need to dissolve that excuse, and see to it that he gets therapy. :yup:
 
angell1 said:
well I would say that’s problem number 1, if he doesn’t think anything will change, then it obviously won’t
Click to expand...
He can get over this, Daily Mass and praying the rosary will help. 👍

Nothing is impossible—or unchangable in this case—with God. 👍👍
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top