How to deal with boyfriend's porn addiction

[Hans_W]

…First of all, watching porn is not the same thing as cheating! It is a serious sin but a distinct one from adultery…

Yes, we need to keep that in mind.

If I had to rank all those sexual evils, I would put molesting children right on the very top and watching porn at the bottom.

Don’t get me wrong - I think that porn is filthy, degrading our bodies, insulting to woman, spiritually dangerous and it can become addictive. But there are other sins that are more threatening to a happy relationship and marriage.

 

[bmaj]

…

If I had to rank all those sexual evils, I would put molesting children right on the very top and watching porn at the bottom.

Don’t get me wrong - I think that porn is filthy, degrading our bodies, insulting to woman, spiritually dangerous and it can become addictive. But there are other sins that are more threatening to a happy relationship and marriage.

Unfortunately, to the many wives (including myself) who have had their marriages ruined or severely crushed by their husbands’ addictions to porn, I don’t think it would be placed at the bottom of the sexual evil list. Unless you’ve experienced first hand the hurt and degradation and how it can adversely affect the entire family, you might not realize how horrible it is to a marriage. It only makes it worse to hear it minimized by others.

 

[Hans_W]

Unfortunately, to the many wives (including myself) who have had their marriages ruined or severely crushed by their husbands’ addictions to porn, I don’t think it would be placed at the bottom of the sexual evil list. Unless you’ve experienced first hand the hurt and degradation and how it can adversely affect the entire family, you might not realize how horrible it is to a marriage. It only makes it worse to hear it minimized by others.

I am very sorry to hear that. Lacking first-hand experience, I still would think that adultery is worse. But in no way do I want to downplay the evil of watching pornography.

I suppose there will be different levels, from occasional to heavily addicted, similar to alcoholism.

What makes me more optimistic in the case of our OP is that her BF seems to be sincere in his attempt to rid himself of the habit. At least he is honest and doesn’t hide it behind her back (what most men would do, I guess).

 

[bmaj]

…
What makes me more optimistic in the case of our OP is that her BF seems to be sincere in his attempt to rid himself of the habit. At least he is honest and doesn’t hide it behind her back (what most men would do, I guess).

Yes, Hans, you’re right about that. It is a good sign that he seems sincere in not hiding it. I hope that bodes well for his chances of success at being able to conquer it. It does appear that most men just try to hide their use from their partners and/or pretend it’s not important. Peace and blessings.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Yes, we need to keep that in mind.

If I had to rank all those sexual evils, I would put molesting children right on the very top and watching porn at the bottom.

Hi Hans!

Reality check: at the bottom would be things like “ogling magazine covers at the grocery store” or “checking out the waitress”. Not porn. Not even close. There are tons of sexual sins a person passes through before porn – and Jesus compares THESE to adultery.

 

[PolarGuy]

Gotta say - I am shocked at the extent to which some people are willing to excuse/minimize porn use. It’s a sad commentary on how deeply embedded porn is in our society.

Some other thoughts:

There is a degree of moral equivalence we need to consider: BF admits to being a porn addict. This is not “I glanced at my big brother’s playboy;” it sounds a great deal more hardcore and long lasting. Also, there are times when I think porn use is at least more understandable: think seamen on a ship; soldiers in a war zone, or other male-dominated or machismo activities. Here we have a young man in relationship with a young woman, i.e. Not men on a submarine who’ve not seen women in 6 months. I suspect this guy may be more “telling the woman what she wants to hear” than anything else; if alternatively he’s being honest, the fact that he admits to being an addict is itself a VERY serious red flag for OP to consider.

I ask again: would you want your daughter to get pursued by a self-professed porn addict?

 

[flyonthewall86]

No. Not everyone who has ever abused their freedom as a son or daughter of God can be called an addict. Not everyone who has ever abused alcohol is an alcoholic. An addiction is a more serious kind of issue.

It is one thing to say that you are never going to find a ready-made saint to marry you and another to say that Christian charity requires you to ignore that a marriage prospect has a known addiction that makes you sick to the stomach when you think about it.

No, when you read marriage advice in the Bible, it says things like “do not be unequally yoked.” The Bible and the early Church Fathers were very serious about the selection of a spouse, and never counselled Christians to ignore character issues in a prospective spouse as a necessary exercise in the practice of Christian charity!

If this is a recurring problem, what is that going to do to the stability of their home? Honestly, if this were physical infidelity, alcohol use, or drug use, would we even be having this discussion about whether it is “un-Christian” to find those things obstacles to a stable marital union? Why would an inability to stop seeking out objectifying sexual media for “binge watching” be something different, something that should be overlooked as a venial problem similar to what any prospective husband will struggle with?

I didn’t say she had to ignore his problem and I didn’t say she has to marry him today. All I said was I don’t think she should just run for the hills and leave him for the vultures. Sometimes people get addicted because they have no positive influences in their life and by the time they see things clearly their brain is already mush. If they are serious about making amends though we should help them, not toss them aside as some forever lost soul. There is a difference between those obstinate in sin and those caught up in something where there is physical impairment.

Do you really think it is a good idea to condemn all sex addicts to only marrying another sex addict? I bet that’d go over real well…

I dated a woman, yes a woman, who was hooked on the stuff AND had no intention of walking away from it. That is “unequally yoked.” She thought porn was ok and I didn’t. If we agreed it was bad and she was struggling to get away from it I wouldn’t have treated her like damaged goods. Taking a “holier than thou” approach to people rarely results in a charitable attitude.

Where is the world did you get that nonsense from?

How about the Bible? You know the book where Christ dines with sinners, and forgives prostitutes and a woman with “5 husbands”…yeah guess they are all nice and toasty you know where…

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I didn’t say she had to ignore his problem and I didn’t say she has to marry him today. All I said was I don’t think she should just run for the hills and leave him for the vultures. Sometimes people get addicted because they have no positive influences in their life and by the time they see things clearly their brain is already mush. If they are serious about making amends though we should help them, not toss them aside as some forever lost soul.

Yes. But…

We’re talking about a husband. It’s not good to set up a dynamic whereby a wife is the babysitter/cheerleader/mommy/life-coach for her husband.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Yes, we need to keep that in mind.

If I had to rank all those sexual evils, I would put molesting children right on the very top and watching porn at the bottom.

Don’t get me wrong - I think that porn is filthy, degrading our bodies, insulting to woman, spiritually dangerous and it can become addictive. But there are other sins that are more threatening to a happy relationship and marriage.

You aren’t the one marrying the guy so how you feel about porn it isn’t all that important.

If it is important to her in a relationship then it is serious enough to call off a relationship.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, we need to keep that in mind.

If I had to rank all those sexual evils, I would put molesting children right on the very top and watching porn at the bottom.

Don’t get me wrong - I think that porn is filthy, degrading our bodies, insulting to woman, spiritually dangerous and it can become addictive. But there are other sins that are more threatening to a happy relationship and marriage.

Wait…listen to what you just wrote: First, “filthy, degrading our bodies, insulting to woman, spiritually dangerous and it can become addictive,” and then “but there are other sins that are more threatening to a happy relationship and marriage.”

That is a head-scratcher. Sure, kidnapping isn’t genocide, but it is still kidnapping. There are worse things for a marriage than porn, but an ingrained porn habit is by far quite bad enough.

 

[PolarGuy]

Before we get lost in the weeds, can someone give a good reason why OP should be discerning a long term relationship with a self-professed porn addict - particularly one with an active ongoing (as opposed to former) addiction?

The best some seem able to come up with is “awwww…it’s not really that bad!” I note however that no one will say they’d want their daughter dating someone with such an addiction. I like the post stating that if this was booze or drugs or gambling we wouldn’t even be having this talk.

 

[EasterJoy]

Before we get lost in the weeds, can someone give a good reason why OP should be discerning a long term relationship with a self-professed porn addict - particularly one with an active ongoing (as opposed to former) addiction?

The best some seem able to come up with is “awwww…it’s not really that bad!” I note however that no one will say they’d want their daughter dating someone with such an addiction. I like the post stating that if this was booze or drugs or gambling we wouldn’t even be having this talk.

If my daughter were dating someone who admitted to her that he had an alcohol, drug, or gambling problem that she was only aware of because he told her about it, and he told her he was seeking treatment, and she decided to hold off on any talk of engagement but that she was going to stick around to see whether he got clean and sober…no, I wouldn’t tell her that she was nuts if she didn’t walk away that very minute and never look back.

Would I worry about this? Yes. Would I see that maintaining some hope was not irrational? Yes…provided she had taken marriage off the table for the time being. Yes, considering that he (unlike some posters here) is not defending what he’s doing or trying to minimize it, considering that they are not having this conversation because he was caught red-handed? Yes, I’d think she was being rational. Maybe too brave, but rational.

 

[SuperLuigi]

It is a little off-topic, sorry, but I think statistics say that at least 50% of men currently view porn at least once on a week. It is an epidemic, but I need to find the exact statistic…someone please post or message me with it if you know.

I’d like to know how they define “porn”. I can’t even read some news sites these days without coming across some ads that could be considered racy.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

If my daughter were dating someone who admitted to her that he had an alcohol, drug, or gambling problem that she was only aware of because he told her about it, and he told her he was seeking treatment, and she decided to hold off on any talk of engagement but that she was going to stick around to see whether he got clean and sober…no, I wouldn’t tell her that she was nuts if she didn’t walk away that very minute and never look back.

Would I worry about this? Yes. Would I see that maintaining some hope was not irrational? Yes…provided she had taken marriage off the table for the time being. Yes, considering that he (unlike some posters here) is not defending what he’s doing or trying to minimize it, considering that they are not having this conversation because he was caught red-handed? Yes, I’d think she was being rational. Maybe too brave, but rational.

Yeah, this makes sense to me. Especially considering the way that porn is a veritable plague on the male population right now. If you raise a girl right, she can recognize a fraud. If the guy’s not a fraud, the situation isn’t as simple as saying “It’s irrational to consider him”.

 

[EasterJoy]

How can it be right to say, “this is not a marriage I ought to get into,” now, and yet be uncharitable to say, “that was not a marriage I ought to have agreed to,” later?

There are unfortunate couples who cannot live in peace under the same roof. It is not uncharitable to be the first (or only) one of the pair to recognize it. Hope is not violated by giving up on beating a dead horse. Consider that some reading this deserve the charity of that recognition. It is suffering enough to have been through it.

 

[PolarGuy]

I’m sorry, (name removed by moderator), I respectfully – but strongly – disagree with a lot of what you write, which smacks of some very unhealthy dating views and which are themselves underscored by warped theology.

1. You write “it could be uncharitable to not give a person a sufficient chance to change their behavior and repent.”

False, false, false, and unbiblical to boot: “What partnership has Christ with Beliar?” 2 Corinthians 6:15.

–By your logic we’re required to date - and maybe marry - someone with an odious character flaw/disgusting behavior like a porn addiction, because we “have to give them a sufficient chance to repent.” Certain things are deal breakers. An ongoing porn addiction is one of them, to a lot of people. Forgiving someone is one thing but that doesn’t mean I have to date someone, let alone marry them, if they engage in addictive behavior, under the theory that they can change. I’m absolutely NOT required to “give someone a chance to repent” so they can date me. I’m entitled to set my dating bar higher, and, frankly, I ought to set it high - lest I marry, say, someone with an ongoing porn addiction.

1. You also write that “God puts us in circumstances that are not of our liking or of convenience because if we follow his plan we can help make changes in another persons life.”

–This can just be paraphrased as “I lived a clean life but now I’m supposed to date/marry someone who didn’t, or was promiscuous, or was a porn addict, because I can help them.” Once again, this conflates “being helpful” or “being nice” with “having to date someone because I can help them live a better life.”

–I keep coming back to the example of my daughter. If she’s dating, should I encourage her to look for 1) someone who’s living cleanly? Or 2) to look for a porn addict so she can change him and make him better? If you’re the porn addict, you’d like me to say #2. But show me a parent who says #2 and I’ll show you someone who has abdicated their parental duties and made a sham of their responsibilities to their child.

We are never, ever required to date anyone, let alone become serious about them, out of some misguided sense that “God put me here to fix this person!”

The world is full of miserable, unhappy men& women who thought they could fix a person only to marry them and find the person wouldn’t/didn’t change. Further, as I said, my living a clean life does not obligate me to sully myself by dating someone with a porn addiction under the theory that I might be in their lives to make them better. To the contrary, if I’m dating, maybe God has me planned for someone who also lived a clean life; doesn’t want to date a porn addict; and is looking for someone like me…

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I was pretty much behind everything you were saying, PolarGuy, until you said

Further, as I said, my living a clean life does not obligate me to sully myself by dating someone with a porn addiction under the theory that I might be in their lives to make them better.

There is nothing “sullying” about marrying a sinner. No one has an obligation to marry a person with particular sins, but it does not “sully” or “cheapen” the person who does. Your implying such a thing may point to a deeper flaw in your thinking.

 

[PolarGuy]

You know what, Prodigal? Maybe I overstated it.

Yes, we’re all sinners…but some sins are worse than others, particularly in the context of relationships and sexual issues, both in what they make us into, and in how they change us for others.

I look at these boards regularly. I see a lot of people of both genders who seem very sad because they appear to be living clean lives and who are sad that they can’t meet someone nice of the opposite gender who’s doing the same. I think the correct answer is “keep looking and maybe change where you’re looking,” rather than “date someone with a porn addiction because you’re supposed to bring them up.” I do think that might be paraphrased as yolking the person living cleanly to someone who isn’t. I also think there’s a self-respect component: If I live cleanly, I may look at dating as “I have more dignity than to date a person addicted to porn,” and, critically, I think people are entitled to think that way as to who they date.

Do we “sully ourselves” dating sinners? No; that was poorly said by me. What I really meant to say was, in essence, if we live cleanly, I don’t there’s any reason we ought not want to, or expect to, or hold to, date and marry others who do the same.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Yes, we’re all sinners…but some sins are worse than others…

Yes, but we should be careful lest we assign these worse sins to others, and not ourselves.

As the apostle Paul wrote, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: ‘Jesus died for sinners, of whom I am the worst.’”

 

[PolarGuy]

Prodigal, there’s a saying I use to describe myself: God didn’t make no junk, and neither did my Mom & Dad.

The problem I have with your last post is that sometimes it’s absolutely factually accurate to ascribe sins exactly as they are.

There’s a moral equivalency at issue. Are the actions of a person who glances at his older brother’s Playboy a few times equivalent to those of pimp; a purveyor/seller of child pornography, etc.? If a person is making a genuine effort to lead a clean life and avoid temptation, I can nonetheless see a value in understanding that they are flawed; that they sin, etc., if for humility more than anything else. However, being humble and knowing I;m sinful is very different from telling myself “woe is me, I’m an awful sinner, and I therefore should only date awful sinners,” nor should my humility blind me into concluding that I belong with awful people.

Look, this board contains members who won’t even associate with non-Catholics. There was a thread on that a while back. IMHO, that’s crazy. Having said that, if I have a positive enough view of myself that I say “I don’t want to hang around with porn addicts because I think they’re losers, and I certainly won’t date them,” I’m not going to lose any sleep over that, nor would I tell my daughter she had done anything wrong if that is/was her attitude. * Heck, I want it to be her attitude,* and porn addicts better stay away from her, that I can assure you.

I think there’s a value in humility and in seeing ourselves as the flawed sinners we are, but I also think your post, taken to its logical conclusion, makes people into doormats who decide they can’t do better than to date people who fall into sin repeatedly.