How To Deal With In Laws

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bluesticks

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Hello.

I am not sure if I am posting on the right forum, but it worth a try.

I want to seek assistance on how to deal with in laws.

My in laws are Catholics and so am I. Yet, they seem to believe I am an unconverted Christian.

I want to seek advise and assistance as to what constitute a matured christian.

Thank you and God bless
 
bluesticks said:
Hello.

I am not sure if I am posting on the right forum, but it worth a try.

I want to seek assistance on how to deal with in laws.

My in laws are Catholics and so am I. Yet, they seem to believe I am an unconverted Christian.

I want to seek advise and assistance as to what constitute a matured christian.

Thank you and God bless
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Based on personal experience, I suggest that you ignore them. Do not attempt to socialize with them unless you are in the presence of your spouse. Then, treat them with polite respect but not much more.
When, in the privacy of your home and your spouse questions you, explain that you are “polite to them only because they are your parents” but that you resent their attitude towards you, and if you had your drudthers, you would not have anything to do with them. Then, add that it would be nice if they would apologize to you,
You must stand your ground in this, or you face the danger that they could corrupt your spouse, because that is exactly what they are trying to do!
 
One thing that has helped me with my in-laws is to not defend myself to them. They do not need to agree with everything I do, and vice versa. For example, if they say, “you should do abc,” it is appropriate to respectfully say, “I’m doing xyz instead.” If you list your reasons for doing xyz, they can then refute them with their reasons for you to do abc. That’s often counter-productive.

It’s wise and virtuous to seek out what it means to be Christian and Catholic. We all benefit from learning and living our faith better. But that does not mean you have to answer your in-laws regarding your faith. I am also interested to know what are their specific criticisms of you.
 
bluesticks said:
Hello.

I am not sure if I am posting on the right forum, but it worth a try.

I want to seek assistance on how to deal with in laws.

My in laws are Catholics and so am I. Yet, they seem to believe I am an unconverted Christian.

I want to seek advise and assistance as to what constitute a matured christian.

Thank you and God bless
Click to expand...
You need to provide more details before I think anybody will be able to give you advice that would be helpful to you specifically. Why do they think you are unconverted? Why do they think you are not a mature christian? What does your husband think? How old are you, how long have you been married, etc.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
Based on personal experience, I suggest that you ignore them. Do not attempt to socialize with them unless you are in the presence of your spouse. Then, treat them with polite respect but not much more.
When, in the privacy of your home and your spouse questions you, explain that you are “polite to them only because they are your parents” but that you resent their attitude towards you, and if you had your drudthers, you would not have anything to do with them. Then, add that it would be nice if they would apologize to you,
You must stand your ground in this, or you face the danger that they could corrupt your spouse, because that is exactly what they are trying to do!
Click to expand...
And Jesus said Love thy neighbor, not ignore them or avoid socialization with them…
OP, how long have you been married??? do you/or your spouse have any idea why they feel this way?
My husbands mother in law drives me batty at times, thinks Catholicism is a cult i am in, but yet she’s family and i love her!!!
 
Your in-laws might have their own expectations of you being a Catholic. If your a recent convert, you probably have many questions about the faith. Do you feel pressured into participating in their Catholic traditions your not comfortable with? Your thread is not precise.
 
I’ve found that the best way to “deal” with imperfect in-laws is to imagine that your own children are grown and married. Then, think about how you’d like to be treated by them and their spouses. Even if you are sometimes perceived as annoying, old fashioned, meddlesome or opinionated. Think about how you will feel if everything you say or do is criticized by your own daughter-in-law, taken as an insult or used as evidence of need of strict “boundaries” that keep you from the son you raised and your grandkids.

Unless your in-laws are truly bad people (and really - are they? They did raise the man you’re madly in love with), then cut them some slack. You will want the same courtesy some day.
 
What constitutes a mature Christian? I wish I knew!

Can you fill us in on the situation a little? I can picture situations with the in-laws being truly obnoxious, but I can also picture others where they are simply concerned for you, rightly or wrongly. I would not be offended by another person’s genuine concern, even if it is misguided. F’r instance, when the Jehovah’s Witnesses come knocking at my door, I always thank them warmly for coming even when I tell them I’m Catholic and hopeless. After all, at least they cared enough about my soul to come!

I was on the outs with my in-laws for nearly two years. I even joined an internet forum for people having those problems. Some of the things the daughters-in-law posted about their husbands’ families were so petty, nitpicking, and unkind that I found myself feeling sorry for the MIL I’d detested. There are some truly evil MILs and some well-meaning ones who still need an honest talking-to – most of them are just people making thoughtless mistakes like the rest of us, I think, trying to adjust to a new family situation. I wouldn’t tell anyone to suck it up and take it, but I would advise from my own experience to go cautiously before doing anything drastic.

I hope you’ll post some details so we can help you better.
 
dee_burk said:
And Jesus said Love thy neighbor, not ignore them or avoid socialization with them…
OP, how long have you been married??? do you/or your spouse have any idea why they feel this way?
My husbands mother in law drives me batty at times, thinks Catholicism is a cult i am in, but yet she’s family and i love her!!!
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Yes, Christ said to love thy neighbor, But, he didn’t say you had to keep them near you!
One marries ones spouse because you want to be close to them all of the time. It doesn’t mean you are marrying their parents.
More marriages in the US have been destroyed by the couple living too near their inlaws than any single thing. If either partner insists on that, in many cases it means that they were no mature enough to get married in the first place, or the couple was greedy for the house the in-laws offered to buy them on the same block where they live. Talk about the fruit of the poisonous tree!
Living next door, or even down the block from ones in-laws ranks in immaturity next to those young adults approaching 30 who still live with their parents-and their parents are healthy and still footing the bills. Only in America!!!
 
I don’t agree with this last bit. When my parents first got married, they lived in the same small town where they had met, where both sets of parents live. I was 6 when we moved to another town (a couple of times they lived elsewhere but that was only because my dad tried going to a “bible” college.), even after that we still visited there often. I don’t remember any real problems with this. Even for the holiday’s stuff got worked out. I guess there wasn’t this sort of behavior problem. Maybe the in-laws need to be told something like, “Look, I married your child, not you. In this area, please back off.” Of course, it may need to be said more politely. Get your spouse on your side, and then have a sit down talk with them, showing a united front. I think it’s important for both to agree that this behavior is wrong, and discuss a way to deal with it. Anyway, that’s my opinion (which has often been wrong). 🤷
 
George_Stegmeir said:
Yes, Christ said to love thy neighbor, But, he didn’t say you had to keep them near you!
One marries ones spouse because you want to be close to them all of the time. It doesn’t mean you are marrying their parents.
More marriages in the US have been destroyed by the couple living too near their inlaws than any single thing. If either partner insists on that, in many cases it means that they were no mature enough to get married in the first place, or the couple was greedy for the house the in-laws offered to buy them on the same block where they live. Talk about the fruit of the poisonous tree!
Living next door, or even down the block from ones in-laws ranks in immaturity next to those young adults approaching 30 who still live with their parents-and their parents are healthy and still footing the bills. Only in America!!!
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What? There is nothing absolutely wrong with living next door to your parents. Also, some of us have our elderly parents living us and we take care of them – are they pathetic for needing help?

I agree that when you get married, you marry your wife or husband only. I don’t agree with the people who say you marry a man’s (or woman’s) whole family. Certainly that’s non-scriptural. But there are young adults, plenty of them, who are very quick to cut off the whole family over a misunderstanding or just because they don’t like them. I wish more families would be honest and tell each other what they expect, what they need and want, and work things out.

Of course, all of this is jumping to conclusions because the OP hasn’t said that she is thinking about cutting off her in-laws.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
Yes, Christ said to love thy neighbor, But, he didn’t say you had to keep them near you!
One marries ones spouse because you want to be close to them all of the time. It doesn’t mean you are marrying their parents.
More marriages in the US have been destroyed by the couple living too near their inlaws than any single thing. If either partner insists on that, in many cases it means that they were no mature enough to get married in the first place, or the couple was greedy for the house the in-laws offered to buy them on the same block where they live. Talk about the fruit of the poisonous tree!
Living next door, or even down the block from ones in-laws ranks in immaturity next to those young adults approaching 30 who still live with their parents-and their parents are healthy and still footing the bills. Only in America!!!
Click to expand...
Only in America? In many countries and cultures it is common for multiple generations of family to live in the same home - much less on the same block. Grandparents help with childcare and housework and the adult children help as their parents age. Only in America do you see single families holed up in their homes and talking about how they should cut off their in-laws because they bought Junior a plastic Elmo toy instead of an organic wooden one.

For real. We bought a home two blocks away from my parents and has NEVER been anything but a joy. We all benefit. My kids can walk to Grandma and Grandpas, we have family dinners together, they help with babysitting, my husband helps them with home repairs. My husband goes and “jams” on the guitar with my dad. We use their pool, we babysit their dog. It’s all good!
 
I am not married. I am engaged though.

I am a cradle Catholic of Malaysian background. My inability to express myself verbally using the language made it so hard for them to understand me or my sentiments sometimes. Further our cultural orientations are very different. They are Italians. We all live next to each other. I dont mind this though, but I was shocked and slightly felt judged when they told me I am unconverted. I believe I have been courteous although not really participating in family discussions every weekend, I did not participate because I felt I did not earn a place yet. Further, in Malaysian culture we do not speak unless spoken to.I get disheartened sometimes whenever I am reminded of that conversation. I know they care about my soul, but I guess only we know the extent of our relationship with the Savior. I sincerely believe I have been a good Catholic, although luke warm at times, but I hope and pray that they will understand me and accept me. It is fairly hard for me to change customs and culture I have grown into. The Americans’ way of expressing themselves freely is not the same in my country. I just want to basically ask advise on how to deal with them. The Oriental docile, meek and shy behavior is fairly strong in me. Thank you kindly
 
Well, we’ve been making a lot of false assumptions, it seems.

I think you need to explain to your fiance what you have just explained here and ask him to speak to his family for you so they will understand your cultural reticence.
 
Kensho said:
Well, we’ve been making a lot of false assumptions, it seems.

I think you need to explain to your fiance what you have just explained here and ask him to speak to his family for you so they will understand your cultural reticence.
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I already did. Although I am baffled as to why I am considered as an unconverted Christian. Is it because of my luke warm behavior?
 
That is something only they know. If you can do it, ask them outright what is it that causes them to think this of you. It may be a matter of where you’re from. It’s so easy to make snap judgements against someone.
 
Christy_Beth said:
That is something only they know. If you can do it, ask them outright what is it that causes them to think this of you. It may be a matter of where you’re from. It’s so easy to make snap judgements against someone.
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I already did. They said it was because of some of my beliefs. i.e. I am too relaxed on the subject of same sex marriage or homosexuals in particular, only because I believe it is a delicate subject and I am not equipped to engage in an in depth discussion about what I think about it. Or NFP… I believe NFP is not bad per se, there are circumstances that might be advisable to practice it say a woman has a congenital heart disease or acquired a virus that weakened her heart. NFP is advisable because childbirth can possibly kill the woman. It does not mean if I have a relaxed view on some current issues I am no longer converted.
 
NFP and homosexual marriage are two entirely different issues, though. The Catholic Church allows the use of NFP for sufficiently serious reasons. It does not recognize marriage between persons of the same sex, however. It is hard for me to tell from what you said what you believe about homosexual marriage, whether by a “relaxed attitude” you mean it isn’t something you worry about and that you think it is indelicate to discuss it or whether you think it is acceptable.

It is very tempting to judge other people’s spiritual state, but we are forbidden to do it. If your relatives are truly judging you in this way, then according to the Catholic Church they are committing a serious sin. They may just be concerned that some of your beliefs are inconsistent with Catholicism, however, and they may be right or wrong about that.
 
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