How To Deal With In Laws

[bluesticks]

NFP and homosexual marriage are two entirely different issues, though. The Catholic Church allows the use of NFP for sufficiently serious reasons. It does not recognize marriage between persons of the same sex, however. It is hard for me to tell from what you said what you believe about homosexual marriage, whether by a “relaxed attitude” you mean it isn’t something you worry about and that you think it is indelicate to discuss it or whether you think it is acceptable.

It is very tempting to judge other people’s spiritual state, but we are forbidden to do it. If your relatives are truly judging you in this way, then according to the Catholic Church they are committing a serious sin. They may just be concerned that some of your beliefs are inconsistent with Catholicism, however, and they may be right or wrong about that.

Thank you for responding.

When I say I refuse to discuss the issue regarding homosexuals it is not because I am all for it. Quite the contrary, I refuse to discuss it cause I read somewhere Ephesians I believe, that “unwholesome talk” is not welcomed. Meaning to say, if you have nothing awesome or great to say and it will just make the person feel bad then do not say it. Is it in a way sort of condoning their behavior? No, not really. I am just not in the habit of giving unsolicited advise. Further, I must confess I took their (homosexuals) side when it comes to blatant discrimination re: work environment. It must be it, I am not sure. But again, I am trying to be vigilant and valiant now as a Catholic.

What I am asking is how am I going to deal with them? Do I ignore them? How do I talk to them?

Thank you for responding

 

[Kensho]

Thank you for responding.

When I say I refuse to discuss the issue regarding homosexuals it is not because I am all for it. Quite the contrary, I refuse to discuss it cause I read somewhere Ephesians I believe, that “unwholesome talk” is not welcomed. Meaning to say, if you have nothing awesome or great to say and it will just make the person feel bad then do not say it. Is it in a way sort of condoning their behavior? No, not really. I am just not in the habit of giving unsolicited advise. Further, I must confess I took their (homosexuals) side when it comes to blatant discrimination re: work environment. It must be it, I am not sure. But again, I am trying to be vigilant and valiant now as a Catholic.

What I am asking is how am I going to deal with them? Do I ignore them? How do I talk to them?

Thank you for responding

Ah, I see. Well, you are well within your rights to not engage in anything you consider unwholesome talk. There is nothing un-Catholic about that. And if you read the section of the Catechism that deals with just treatment of homosexual persons, you will be pleased to see that you are in the right regarding discrimination in the workplace.

I suggest that if your in-laws try to argue with you about this or about NFP, that you simply quote the verse you referenced above about unwholesome talk, and point them to the sections in the Catechism that refer to how homosexuals are to be treated as well as the licitness of NFP for non-frivolous reasons. You will have made your point as far as you are able that scripture and the Church are on your side; what they choose to do with that information is up to them. No point in arguing, especially since you have been raised to be reserved.

An Asian and an Italian! I bet you’re in for a ride, since Italians are noted for their effusiveness, talkativeness and such. I bet if you are a good cook you can win their hearts in spite of your difference from them! I wish you the best of luck with them and a blessed marriage.

 

[bluesticks]

An Asian and an Italian! I bet you’re in for a ride, since Italians are noted for***** their effusiveness, talkativeness and such.***** I bet if you are a good cook you can win their hearts in spite of your difference from them! I wish you the best of luck with them and a blessed marriage.

This is my dilemma. It is a whole new ball game for me since I am a reserved Catholic, meaning I do not like them engage in daily debate about my faith. I lived in a Muslim dominated country, we refrain from religious debate for the mere reason of respect. As you have mentioned, it is quite the opposite for them since they wear it with pride which is not wrong, but I am not accustomed to such. Further again, I am not really loquacious. WE smile and nod, that’s about it. If we have something urgent that we want to say, we wait for a calmer forum to discuss it.

p.s. where can I get that Cathecism that you spoke of? Is it on here available on this site?

Thank you much kindly

 

[Kensho]

You can purchase one cheaply off Amazon if you like:

amazon.com/Catechism-Catholic-Church-U-S/dp/0385479670/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1364157608&sr=1-2&keywords=catechism+of+the+catholic+church

Or you can go to the Vatican website and see an online version:
vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM

Even quiet, reserved people can show warmth. You all will have to get used to each other and will all probably end up altering your normal manner in order to relate better. If I were you, I would try writing them a nice, friendly note telling them you look forward to being part of their family and explaining what you explained above, that you are from a country where people (especially women) are very reserved and avoid debate and that you hope they will not take your silence for coldness or lack of interest. If they are decent people, they will learn to accept you, and perhaps you will be good for each other. Perhaps you could invite them over for a meal that is traditional to your culture, and use that as an opening to discuss the way people show good manners and consideration in your country and the manner in which Asian Catholics are devout?

If you never feel comfortable with them, however, remember that you are not marrying them. Treat them with respect, but remember that you and your future husband owe your first and best loyalty to each other. Easier said than done, I know.

 

[90Domer]

Here is a spot you can read the Catechism:

usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-we-believe/catechism/catechism-of-the-catholic-church/

This is my suggestion based on having in-laws who are very vocal. I am like you in that I was taught not to speak up to my elders. If they are vocal on this topic, chances are they will be very vocal on other topics. It sounds like may not mind telling you how to raise any future children. That said, I would talk to your fiancée and make sure he is willing to stand up for you to his parents. If not, this problem will only get worse. When you are married, your feelings are paramount. And not speaking up and ignoring the issue hoping it will get better is not good either. It lends in-laws to think that it is Ok to continue behavior.

My marriage almost came to and end over this issue. My MIL felt she was entitled to say anything she wanted to me without apologizing or accepting consequences. It took marriage counseling to teach my husband that his mom was grossly out of place to make unjustifiable statements about me.

I feel for you because there are so many better things you can discuss.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I agree with the letter writing part. It seems like your future in-laws need a bit of a lesson on your background. We can only judge by what we know. Give them the benefit of doubt and let them know how you feel. If you’re open and honest now, it should help keep the lines of communication open so as to avoid future problems.

 

[PatriceA]

Here is a spot you can read the Catechism:

usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-we-believe/catechism/catechism-of-the-catholic-church/

This is my suggestion based on having in-laws who are very vocal. I am like you in that I was taught not to speak up to my elders. If they are vocal on this topic, chances are they will be very vocal on other topics. It sounds like may not mind telling you how to raise any future children. That said, I would talk to your fiancée and make sure he is willing to stand up for you to his parents. If not, this problem will only get worse. When you are married, your feelings are paramount. And not speaking up and ignoring the issue hoping it will get better is not good either. It lends in-laws to think that it is Ok to continue behavior.

My marriage almost came to and end over this issue. My MIL felt she was entitled to say anything she wanted to me without apologizing or accepting consequences. It took marriage counseling to teach my husband that his mom was grossly out of place to make unjustifiable statements about me.

I feel for you because there are so many better things you can discuss.

I’m thinking similar. The OP’s situation may not have anything to do with Catholicism at all, but family dynamics. Its time for a talk with the fiancé, set some ground rules for the relationship with the future in-laws.

 

[PatriceA]

I agree with the letter writing part. It seems like your future in-laws need a bit of a lesson on your background. We can only judge by what we know. Give them the benefit of doubt and let them know how you feel. If you’re open and honest now, it should help keep the lines of communication open so as to avoid future problems.

I advise NOT writing a letter. My MIL and I had a miscommunication problem early in my marriage and she asked me to write her a letter to begin open and honest dialogue between the two of us. Totally backfired for me, I thought I was doing exactly what she wanted except she didn’t hold up her end of the bargain. She gave my letter to other family members to read and draw those family members further into our miscommunication problem. She still has the letter, and it pops up every once in awhile 15 years after the fact whenever she needs to “prove” a point.

Unless you can be totally honest and open in a letter with realizing there is a potential that other people may or may not see the words, or that it won’t be misconstrued in some way since there is already a mismatch in communication styles and backgrounds, then by all means write a letter. But IMO, this is a situation that is best dealt with face to face as much as possible.

 

[90Domer]

I advise NOT writing a letter. My MIL and I had a miscommunication problem early in my marriage and she asked me to write her a letter to begin open and honest dialogue between the two of us. Totally backfired for me, I thought I was doing exactly what she wanted except she didn’t hold up her end of the bargain. She gave my letter to other family members to read and draw those family members further into our miscommunication problem. She still has the letter, and it pops up every once in awhile 15 years after the fact whenever she needs to “prove” a point.

Unless you can be totally honest and open in a letter with realizing there is a potential that other people may or may not see the words, or that it won’t be misconstrued in some way since there is already a mismatch in communication styles and backgrounds, then by all means write a letter. But IMO, this is a situation that is best dealt with face to face as much as possible.

I totally agree with this advice. Also, your fiancée needs to be playing a central role in this problem. If he isn’t he is refusing to acknowledge a big problem that will, in all likelihood, come down the pike in the future (and probably only get worse).

My MIL also took written correspondence and twisted what I wrote and shared it with other family members to get them on “her side.” And it worked. And now our family is completed fragmented. And I also get said letter brought to my attention. I think writing a letter could be a recipe for disaster.

 

[Kensho]

I suggested writing a letter since the OP has a problem with face to face communication. Whether or not it would be well received depends to a large degree on whether her in-laws are normal, decent people or whether they are dysfunctional. I would not suggest in any case writing a letter that says “we have a problem here”, only one expressing eagerness to be part of the family and explaining that the OP is reticent, not disengaged. I believe this could be done in a completely low-key, friendly way that doesn’t look like a gauntlet being cast down, but I’m a big letter-writer and it’s usually worked well for me except when I did it in anger.

I agree the fiancee needs to be brought into the situation.

 

[PatriceA]

I suggested writing a letter since the OP has a problem with face to face communication. Whether or not it would be well received depends to a large degree on whether her in-laws are normal, decent people or whether they are dysfunctional. I would not suggest in any case writing a letter that says “we have a problem here”, only one expressing eagerness to be part of the family and explaining that the OP is reticent, not disengaged. I believe this could be done in a completely low-key, friendly way that doesn’t look like a gauntlet being cast down, but I’m a big letter-writer and it’s usually worked well for me except when I did it in anger.

I agree the fiancee needs to be brought into the situation.

It really does depends upon the personality type of the future MIL and perhaps only the OP can make that kind of judgement call. I too am a big letter writer, just not to my MIL after my experience I too thought I was being friendly and low key, I really, truly believed it was going to set a great tone for the future of hers and my relationship. At the time, My husband thought it was a great idea even. I just want to warn the OP to really, really think about this option and IF it will be well received by the MIL or will it make things worse.

 

[underacloud]

As others have said, the biggest factor in this is the role of the fiance. He needs to understand the difficulties for bluesticks, and begin to be her champion within his family. Bluesticks should not feel the need to confront his family or defend herself against their accusations. Her fiance should stand up for her and encourage his family to interact with her in a respectful and welcoming manner. MILs can be difficult to deal with and I firmly believe spouses should stand up for each other and act as a buffer from each others families.

So bluesticks, talk about this with your fiance now. You want to know that he will be prepared to take your side and protect you. And you need to know this now.

And I agree with those who say do NOT write a letter.

 

[90Domer]

As others have said, the biggest factor in this is the role of the fiance. He needs to understand the difficulties for bluesticks, and begin to be her champion within his family. Bluesticks should not feel the need to confront his family or defend herself against their accusations. Her fiance should stand up for her and encourage his family to interact with her in a respectful and welcoming manner. MILs can be difficult to deal with and I firmly believe spouses should stand up for each other and act as a buffer from each others families.

So bluesticks, talk about this with your fiance now. You want to know that he will be prepared to take your side and protect you. And you need to know this now.

And I agree with those who say do NOT write a letter.

I absolutely agree with you. I have noticed both in my personal relationship and from talking to friends that MIL seem to be in a competition with their DIL for either affection or control–and by that I mean that the MIL still wants to call the shots when it comes to her son’s actions or behaviors even though mom no longer holds the place as principal woman in his life.

When my MIL used to ask me opinions about what my hubby may like, I would respond based on my relationship with him. And knowing him pretty good, I was able to give MIL accurate answers that hubby supported. HOWEVER, in giving those answers to MIL, she debated me on why she thought my conclusion was wrong based on the fact that she was his mother. It didn’t matter that I was married to husband and now knew him best. I would then need to have hubby call his mom when he got home from work, MIL would present the scenario and hubby would say, “Wife was right, why didn’t you listen to her.”

So there is an example of how MIL does not want to relinquish control of her son to her future DIL. Sadly, I see it far too often. And many guys don’t want to speak up to their moms because they are afraid they will hurt her feelings. But I think guys should because the potential damage to your own marriage can me significant.

 

[OLofMtCarmel]

I wanted to say “Hire Dexter” But then that would be a bit extreme. And besides, I can see others have advised you quite well. Good luck.

When I first started reading this, I didn’t realize you were a woman until the end. I get it more knowing that. You are right in what you have stated, avoid discussion you’re uncomfortable discussing, quote scripture and Catechism. They can’t argue there. But I suspect they have other intentions based on what you’ve stated and that you’ll have a difficult time getting your message across. Be aware that they may continue this false accusations about you behind your back. Retrieve passages about detraction and cit it to them as well. It sounds more like they’re in the middle of engaging in sinful talk. But what do I know.

 

[bluesticks]

I advise NOT writing a letter. My MIL and I had a miscommunication problem early in my marriage and she asked me to write her a letter to begin open and honest dialogue between the two of us. Totally backfired for me, I thought I was doing exactly what she wanted except she didn’t hold up her end of the bargain. She gave my letter to other family members to read and draw those family members further into our miscommunication problem. She still has the letter, and it pops up every once in awhile 15 years after the fact whenever she needs to “prove” a point.

Unless you can be totally honest and open in a letter with realizing there is a potential that other people may or may not see the words, or that it won’t be misconstrued in some way since there is already a mismatch in communication styles and backgrounds, then by all means write a letter. But IMO, this is a situation that is best dealt with face to face as much as possible.

Thank you for the advise. My problem is not with the MIL but the FIL. My reticent and reserved behavior apparently caused him to think I am hiding something which is false of course. I do understand him since we can only deduce our conclusions from what we see. He did not see much since I acted like a wallflower, which is by the way, welcomed and considered as courteous in my country. He felt that after the marriage skeletons will be flying out of the closet. Again, I understand, but I do not have any form of calcium deposit in my closet, you would neither find a bone nor a tooth in it. I was raised in a conventional conservative Catholic environment, even sent to the best Catholic school in Malaysia. I was practically raised by nuns, of course, I have acquired their demeanor in handling affairs. My loyalty is of course to God, and to the Vatican so I do not criticize the Pope and up to this time I refuse to. I guess with them - they are more relaxed. Further, I do understand their concerns since we are living in what seems to be a debauched and slightly corrupted world that it is quite hard to believe that there are women who chose to be chaste and celibate until marriage.

Having stated all this, I am just having a hard time to convince them. I guess I do not have to, but since I love their son I am willing to do it. I just hope and pray that they will accept me.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

 

[PatriceA]

Thank you for the advise. My problem is not with the MIL but the FIL. My reticent and reserved behavior apparently caused him to think I am hiding something which is false of course. I do understand him since we can only deduce our conclusions from what we see. He did not see much since I acted like a wallflower, which is by the way, welcomed and considered as courteous in my country. He felt that after the marriage skeletons will be flying out of the closet. Again, I understand, but I do not have any form of calcium deposit in my closet, you would neither find a bone nor a tooth in it. I was raised in a conventional conservative Catholic environment, even sent to the best Catholic school in Malaysia. I was practically raised by nuns, of course, I have acquired their demeanor in handling affairs. My loyalty is of course to God, and to the Vatican so I do not criticize the Pope and up to this time I refuse to. I guess with them - they are more relaxed. Further, I do understand their concerns since we are living in what seems to be a debauched and slightly corrupted world that it is quite hard to believe that there are women who chose to be chaste and celibate until marriage.

Having stated all this, I am just having a hard time to convince them. I guess I do not have to, but since I love their son I am willing to do it. I just hope and pray that they will accept me.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Actually the only person in this situation you have to convince and have accept you for who you are is your fiancé. What does he say about the situation? You can’t do this alone. If you two don’t present a united front to his parents now, they are always going to think they can divide you two on any situation and decision you make as a married couple in the future.

 

[Kensho]

I think the different attitudes and approaches presented by the different people commenting on this thread come from some of us assuming good will on the part of the in-laws and some assuming severe dysfunction. We simply don’t know. To me it just sounds like a cultural difference that the new in-laws don’t understand. It will have to be explained to them, yes, probably by the fiance. And yes, he will have to be prepared to defend his wife and not leave her to go it alone, and she needs to make sure he will do that. However, I think some of these posts have the potential to make the OP feel nervous and combative. Once you get started thinking of someone as your enemy, you tend to make a lot of wrong assumptions about everything he does and the relationship goes downhill really fast.

 

[bluesticks]

I think the different attitudes and approaches presented by the different people commenting on this thread come from some of us assuming good will on the part of the in-laws and some assuming severe dysfunction. We simply don’t know. To me it just sounds like a cultural difference that the new in-laws don’t understand. It will have to be explained to them, yes, probably by the fiance. And yes, he will have to be prepared to defend his wife and not leave her to go it alone, and she needs to make sure he will do that. However, I think some of these posts have the potential to make the OP feel nervous and combative. Once you get started thinking of someone as your enemy, you tend to make a lot of wrong assumptions about everything he does and the relationship goes downhill really fast.

Thank you very much Kensho.

It is what I am avoiding, conflicts between me and his parents. I am the one moving so I reckon I need to make some adjustments. I want to know how to approach them. I didnt approach them before cause I did not want to come across as a solipsistic twit who is all over their face all the time trying to score cookie points. Simply put, are there any soon to be or currently parents in law here that could help me on how they want their daughter in law to treat them? I want (name removed by moderator)uts as a parent in law and not as a SIL or DIL.

Thank you kindly for responding

 

[bluesticks]

Your in-laws might have their own expectations of you being a Catholic. If your a recent convert, you probably have many questions about the faith. Do you feel pressured into participating in their Catholic traditions your not comfortable with? Your thread is not precise.

First off, thank you for responding. I am a cradle Catholic. I sometimes feel they do not like me.

 

[bluesticks]

Actually the only person in this situation you have to convince and have accept you for who you are is your fiancé. What does he say about the situation? You can’t do this alone. If you two don’t present a united front to his parents now, they are always going to think they can divide you two on any situation and decision you make as a married couple in the future.

TBH, I am not getting enough support from him.