How To Deal With In Laws

[PatriceA]

TBH, I am not getting enough support from him.

I just noticed in your comments, you didn’t mention him very much. And TBH, its a bit of a red flag, for me at least. You need his support, and these are his parents too, he needs to be a part of the discussion. I’m sorry if my post in any way rattled you or upset you. I certainly didn’t mean for it come across as you two have to approach them in a combative way. Of course, be charitable, respect of the dignity of his parents, but as a team, not as you only individually.

But you want the advice from the parent in law’s point of view. So I will bow out of the conversation.

 

[Kensho]

One last observation before I leave to let the in-laws take over: My husband did not support me in dealing with his family, either, and that helped create a dreadful mess. He was not close to his family and he just didn’t want to have to deal with them, was happy for me to have to maintain contact with them instead of him doing it. He didn’t mean any harm, but I think from what I’ve heard from other wives that this kind of behavior is all too common among husbands. Often the wife gets handed the whole burden of dealing with a family that she didn’t grow up in, whose ways she doesn’t understand, whose emotional minefields come as a complete surprise to her. This can range from matters as innocuous as her having to be the one to remember special occasions and shop for gifts to much more complex issues – such as, in my case, discovering after getting married that a member of the immediate family was severely mentally ill, and being left on my own to deal with him.

We are working it out now, but there were almost two years of total estrangement first. I was largely at fault, but things would not have gotten so out of hand if my husband had stuck up for me and been more involved in the first place.

The time to deal with this is now, before the wedding. If you know a wise priest who does premarital counseling, I suggest it.

 

[Serap]

Based on personal experience, I suggest that you ignore them. Do not attempt to socialize with them unless you are in the presence of your spouse. Then, treat them with polite respect but not much more.
When, in the privacy of your home and your spouse questions you, explain that you are “polite to them only because they are your parents” but that you resent their attitude towards you, and if you had your drudthers, you would not have anything to do with them. Then, add that it would be nice if they would apologize to you,
You must stand your ground in this, or you face the danger that they could corrupt your spouse, because that is exactly what they are trying to do!

I agree 100%. Don’t be around them unless husband is there too and make it infrequent. They sound like they are just abusive. In-laws are often like that b/c they see DIL as competition…she took him away so to speak.

They just look for reasons to look down on you. This is not the issue, it’s that they are resentful that you have their child/brother. They’ll get over it.

At least if you stand you ground, they will not attempt to abuse you b/c they won’t get away with it. Put an end to their attitude if they start around you. Leave early if you have to .

 

[bluesticks]

One last observation before I leave to let the in-laws take over: My husband did not support me in dealing with his family, either, and that helped create a dreadful mess. He was not close to his family and he just didn’t want to have to deal with them, was happy for me to have to maintain contact with them instead of him doing it. He didn’t mean any harm, but I think from what I’ve heard from other wives that this kind of behavior is all too common among husbands. Often the wife gets handed the whole burden of dealing with a family that she didn’t grow up in, whose ways she doesn’t understand, whose emotional minefields come as a complete surprise to her. This can range from matters as innocuous as her having to be the one to remember special occasions and shop for gifts to much more complex issues – such as, in my case, discovering after getting married that a member of the immediate family was severely mentally ill, and being left on my own to deal with him.

We are working it out now, but there were almost two years of total estrangement first. I was largely at fault, but things would not have gotten so out of hand if my husband had stuck up for me and been more involved in the first place.

The time to deal with this is now, before the wedding. If you know a wise priest who does premarital counseling, I suggest it.

You know what bothers me is the fact that his loyalty is with his family. I feel betrayed at times whenever he would discuss our issues with them. I feel as he does not have my back.

 

[Serap]

I absolutely agree with you. I have noticed both in my personal relationship and from talking to friends that MIL seem to be in a competition with their DIL for either affection or control–and by that I mean that the MIL still wants to call the shots when it comes to her son’s actions or behaviors even though mom no longer holds the place as principal woman in his life.

When my MIL used to ask me opinions about what my hubby may like, I would respond based on my relationship with him. And knowing him pretty good, I was able to give MIL accurate answers that hubby supported. HOWEVER, in giving those answers to MIL, she debated me on why she thought my conclusion was wrong based on the fact that she was his mother. It didn’t matter that I was married to husband and now knew him best. I would then need to have hubby call his mom when he got home from work, MIL would present the scenario and hubby would say, “Wife was right, why didn’t you listen to her.”

So there is an example of how MIL does not want to relinquish control of her son to her future DIL. Sadly, I see it far too often. And many guys don’t want to speak up to their moms because they are afraid they will hurt her feelings. But I think guys should because the potential damage to your own marriage can me significant.

I’ll have to work really hard with my son’s future wife when the time comes. Being a mom to a son, I understand this. Right now, my son is a moma’s boy…he will separate himself from me one day…so sad

 

[Serap]

You know what bothers me is the fact that his loyalty is with his family. I feel betrayed at times whenever he would discuss our issues with them. I feel as he does not have my back.

Then you need to talk to him NOW. Nip it in the bud. It only gets worse over time.

 

[Serap]

I am not married. I am engaged though.

I am a cradle Catholic of Malaysian background. My inability to express myself verbally using the language made it so hard for them to understand me or my sentiments sometimes. Further our cultural orientations are very different. They are Italians. We all live next to each other. I dont mind this though, but I was shocked and slightly felt judged when they told me I am unconverted. I believe I have been courteous although not really participating in family discussions every weekend, I did not participate because I felt I did not earn a place yet. Further, in Malaysian culture we do not speak unless spoken to.I get disheartened sometimes whenever I am reminded of that conversation. I know they care about my soul, but I guess only we know the extent of our relationship with the Savior. I sincerely believe I have been a good Catholic, although luke warm at times, but I hope and pray that they will understand me and accept me. It is fairly hard for me to change customs and culture I have grown into. The Americans’ way of expressing themselves freely is not the same in my country. I just want to basically ask advise on how to deal with them. The Oriental docile, meek and shy behavior is fairly strong in me. Thank you kindly

My in-laws are Italian too. You really need to stand up for yourself. Italians generally appreciate others who stand up for what they believe.

 

[Serap]

It really does depends upon the personality type of the future MIL and perhaps only the OP can make that kind of judgement call. I too am a big letter writer, just not to my MIL after my experience I too thought I was being friendly and low key, I really, truly believed it was going to set a great tone for the future of hers and my relationship. At the time, My husband thought it was a great idea even. I just want to warn the OP to really, really think about this option and IF it will be well received by the MIL or will it make things worse.

I would never write a letter. Letter’s have always backfired for me and my in-laws are Italians. I have found that Italians generally like very forthright verbal communication.

 

[bluesticks]

My in-laws are Italian too. You really need to stand up for yourself. Italians generally appreciate others who stand up for what they believe.

I am trying. Did you guys live with them too? We have to live with them for awhile. It worries me sometimes that they do not like me and that my fiance is just pushing for it to work. It is so hard when you feel you are rejected.

 

[Serap]

I am trying. Did you guys live with them too? We have to live with them for awhile. It worries me sometimes that they do not like me and that my fiance is just pushing for it to work. It is so hard when you feel you are rejected.

Yep, I lived with them. You have to be straight up with them and if this makes them offended, they won’t talk to you for a couple of months and then when they are talking to you again, they won’t cross that boundary again. It’s the only way to handle them in my experience. You gotta stand up for yourself…if not now, you’ll eventually do it out of anger anyway. Better to do it now while you are not totally angry and mad.

Nip it in the bud. Put an end to it.

I had to live with them for two very long years and I didn’t stand up for myself until I was married and pregnant. I blew up at them. It was bad!!!

 

[Kensho]

Am I the only one who thinks the OP and her fiance should do whatever they need to do to avoid living with the in-laws?

I think it would be hard enough living with in-laws under ideal circumstances, but if she is already having problems of this magnitude, they are just going to get worse if she is under their roof. I’m also thinking fiance needs to cut the strings with his family – it will be that much easier for all the Italians to band together against the Asian wife (although that may not be their intention).

Nothing against Italians – I like them – I love their food – but they are about as opposite from Asian women as you can get and I hate to think of her being all alone and surrounded – under their roof, where they call the shots and will have dozens of opportunities a day to make her miserable.

 

[90Domer]

I’ll have to work really hard with my son’s future wife when the time comes. Being a mom to a son, I understand this. Right now, my son is a moma’s boy…he will separate himself from me one day…so sad

Now you know why I want son to be a priest.

 

[90Domer]

Am I the only one who thinks the OP and her fiance should do whatever they need to do to avoid living with the in-laws?

I think it would be hard enough living with in-laws under ideal circumstances, but if she is already having problems of this magnitude, they are just going to get worse if she is under their roof. I’m also thinking fiance needs to cut the strings with his family – it will be that much easier for all the Italians to band together against the Asian wife (although that may not be their intention).

Nothing against Italians – I like them – I love their food – but they are about as opposite from Asian women as you can get and I hate to think of her being all alone and surrounded – under their roof, where they call the shots and will have dozens of opportunities a day to make her miserable.

You are not the only one that thinks this couple should not live with her in-laws, especially if her future husband is not on board with her. It can lead lasting wounds for the remainder of the marriage that may never be able to be overcome. New marriages are fraught with so much stress as it is without adding on the close-contact of in-laws. And I cannot say this enough, if the FH is not siding with his wife, he is doing her a huge injustice.

 

[Kensho]

You are not the only one that thinks this couple should not live with her in-laws, especially if her future husband is not on board with her. It can lead lasting wounds for the remainder of the marriage that may never be able to be overcome. New marriages are fraught with so much stress as it is without adding on the close-contact of in-laws. And I cannot say this enough, if the FH is not siding with his wife, he is doing her a huge injustice.

Yes, yes, yes. I have been there, although in my case it was a husband who was not close to his family at all and just didn’t want to deal with them. If her fiance is very attached to his family, I am afraid she could just end up being the outsider in her own marriage. I am very concerned about this but am not sure how she can get him to take her concerns seriously.

 

[bluesticks]

Am I the only one who thinks the OP and her fiance should do whatever they need to do to avoid living with the in-laws?

I think it would be hard enough living with in-laws under ideal circumstances, but if she is already having problems of this magnitude, they are just going to get worse if she is under their roof. I’m also thinking fiance needs to cut the strings with his family – it will be that much easier for all the Italians to band together against the Asian wife (although that may not be their intention).

Nothing against Italians – I like them – I love their food – but they are about as opposite from Asian women as you can get and I hate to think of her being all alone and surrounded – under their roof, where they call the shots and will have dozens of opportunities a day to make her miserable.

I tried talking to my fiance about at least taking my side and not siding his father who I have problems with. He often suggest that I should be the one to adjust. His father accused me of being a fake Catholic amongst others. My fiance is not a mama’s boy, but a papa’s pet. Sometimes I just want to tell them, why cant you just say it that you do not like me because I am not an American or Italian or any light colored person that way it will be easier. Like what I said, I am thinking that they just dont want to be the bad people in this story that’s why they are pulling the reverse thing on me, making it hard for me so I will just give up and break up with my fiance so they can all tell him…I told you so.

I feel betrayed each and every time my fiance will take their side. I often think, “WTH who has my back?”

There was even a time wherein he forced me to hang out with his sister who hates me for the weirdest reason of all. I heard her one time that Asian women like to take all men. I’m like “huh?” Apparently Asian-Americans are getting all the attention or something. His brother said that he thinks all Asians are dumb. Okay, are they being racist?

 

[bluesticks]

You are not the only one that thinks this couple should not live with her in-laws, especially if her future husband is not on board with her. It can lead lasting wounds for the remainder of the marriage that may never be able to be overcome. New marriages are fraught with so much stress as it is without adding on the close-contact of in-laws. And I cannot say this enough, if the FH is not siding with his wife, he is doing her a huge injustice.

Thank you so much for responding.

Point is, he is making me feel that I am the bad person. If only I could tell you all what happened whilst I was with them. It was tolerance in its highest form.

Like what I said, I feel betrayed. I also feel confused because they are Catholics. Are we not taught that we should not judge others? ESpecially judge their relationship with Christ? How come I was accused of being unconverted?

 

[Kensho]

I tried talking to my fiance about at least taking my side and not siding his father who I have problems with. He often suggest that I should be the one to adjust. His father accused me of being a fake Catholic amongst others. My fiance is not a mama’s boy, but a papa’s pet. Sometimes I just want to tell them, why cant you just say it that you do not like me because I am not an American or Italian or any light colored person that way it will be easier. Like what I said, I am thinking that they just dont want to be the bad people in this story that’s why they are pulling the reverse thing on me, making it hard for me so I will just give up and break up with my fiance so they can all tell him…I told you so.

I feel betrayed each and every time my fiance will take their side. I often think, “WTH who has my back?”

There was even a time wherein he forced me to hang out with his sister who hates me for the weirdest reason of all. I heard her one time that Asian women like to take all men. I’m like “huh?” Apparently Asian-Americans are getting all the attention or something. His brother said that he thinks all Asians are dumb. Okay, are they being racist?

Wow.

At first I didn’t think this had anything to do with racism, I just thought – loud, gregarious, expressive Italians don’t know what to make of this quiet, demure Asian girl. But the above is inappropriate. Beyond inappropriate. They actually said those things to you? And anyone who thinks Asians are dumb is – dumb! Sounds like envy to me, because Asian women do have a mystique that a lot of white men find attractive, and in America we see Asians as smart and successful.

You said so little in the first post, but the more you say about the situation, the more I want to tell you to just run. Unless your fiance sees what an unjust situation he is putting you into and does a complete 180 degree turnaround, you should not marry him. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but there is nothing but misery waiting for you in this situation.

 

[Chantal25]

I am not married. I am engaged though.

I am a cradle Catholic of Malaysian background. My inability to express myself verbally using the language made it so hard for them to understand me or my sentiments sometimes. Further our cultural orientations are very different. They are Italians. We all live next to each other. I dont mind this though, but I was shocked and slightly felt judged when they told me I am unconverted. I believe I have been courteous although not really participating in family discussions every weekend, I did not participate because I felt I did not earn a place yet. Further, in Malaysian culture we do not speak unless spoken to.I get disheartened sometimes whenever I am reminded of that conversation. I know they care about my soul, but I guess only we know the extent of our relationship with the Savior. I sincerely believe I have been a good Catholic, although luke warm at times, but I hope and pray that they will understand me and accept me. It is fairly hard for me to change customs and culture I have grown into. The Americans’ way of expressing themselves freely is not the same in my country. I just want to basically ask advise on how to deal with them. The Oriental docile, meek and shy behavior is fairly strong in me. Thank you kindly

I would make a compromise. I would just go see the priest, tell what you said and he will confirm that you are ok. Your in-law won’t argue anymore about this.

You will be the mother of their grand children, and they simply want to make sure they will be raise good Catholic. I know it seems none of their business but you must try to understand them too. Once the priest confirm that you are a true Catholic, their concern will be satisfy.

All the best with this!

 

[Serap]

Am I the only one who thinks the OP and her fiance should do whatever they need to do to avoid living with the in-laws?

I think it would be hard enough living with in-laws under ideal circumstances, but if she is already having problems of this magnitude, they are just going to get worse if she is under their roof. I’m also thinking fiance needs to cut the strings with his family – it will be that much easier for all the Italians to band together against the Asian wife (although that may not be their intention).

Nothing against Italians – I like them – I love their food – but they are about as opposite from Asian women as you can get and I hate to think of her being all alone and surrounded – under their roof, where they call the shots and will have dozens of opportunities a day to make her miserable.

Yes, I agree that they should not be living with their in-laws…rent an apartment instead. This will be toxic.

 

[Serap]

Wow.

At first I didn’t think this had anything to do with racism, I just thought – loud, gregarious, expressive Italians don’t know what to make of this quiet, demure Asian girl. But the above is inappropriate. Beyond inappropriate. They actually said those things to you? And anyone who thinks Asians are dumb is – dumb! Sounds like envy to me, because Asian women do have a mystique that a lot of white men find attractive, and in America we see Asians as smart and successful.

You said so little in the first post, but the more you say about the situation, the more I want to tell you to just run. Unless your fiance sees what an unjust situation he is putting you into and does a complete 180 degree turnaround, you should not marry him. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but there is nothing but misery waiting for you in this situation.

I honestly do not see this union working unless she stands up for herself very forcefully. This is toxic for her.

I do not see this working out honestly. The family can’t stand her it’s obvious.

My husband’s family never made those kinds of comments to me EVER. I had issues with them interfering, but nothing like what she is describing. My SIL would make sarcastic jabs at me. She’s just jealous of me. They tried to control me and would always side with my husband if my husband and I had a fight.

Things are going to be really bad for this girl. Bad!!!

They are trying to get her to break up with her fiance. It’s obvious to me.