How to deal with jealousy issues

[buckr02]

As some of you probably know from my recent thread “Should I ask her?” I have been having some issues and talks with a friend of mine who I have always been hoping to date at some point in my life.

With that said, right now I am trying to just be friends because she and I talked about her dating other people in college, but I know that I have always struggled with a lot of jealousy. I can’t even picture her hanging out alone with another male friend without getting really upset. The problem is so bad that sometimes, if we are in a group of people and I see her talking to a guy, I get worried or upset.

Within the last few years, I have improved a lot and have really made strides in becoming less jealous, but I still struggle. I really hate this about myself and I am wondering if anyone has ever struggled with jealousy or if you know of any way to cope with it and to get rid of this nasty trait.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[buckr02]

I just did a quick search online, and apparently what I struggle with is actually “envy,” which would be not wanting someone to have what I don’t have, as opposed to “jealousy,” which is not wanting someone to have what I do have.

However, I have no doubt that if I were in a relationship with her, I would struggle with jealousy. So I guess they can be lumped together here.

 

[Harmony1988]

I think this is the case with everyone, guys and girls. It’s quite normal, but yes we all need to pray and get our thoughts off situations which lead us to it. I too get very jealous sometimes and tend to extrapolate things from trivial incidents. Jealousy isn’t going to go away, it’s upto us as to how we deal with it.

 

[Trishie]

I can’t say if it’s possible to completely eradicate, but well done that you feel you have improved in this. It sounds as if you don’t really want to be “just friends”. Perhaps she might be the one who just wants to be friends. Has she honestly committed to wanting ever to ‘date’ you? She does know you have a particular attachment to her?

I think that jealousy is a problem if it causes you to obsess, or if it tries to control the other person’s life but it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to do that. I think a lot of people struggle with jealousy to some degree or another, especially if they feel attached to someone whose attachment to them they doubt is as deep as their own. Uncertainly can exaserbate feelings of distress and jealousy.

I hope that you are able resolve the possibibilty of a commitment with this girl at some time because uncertainty is stressful.

Anyway, God bless you, and I hope and pray that you will find happiness and mutual love in your life.

 

[buckr02]

I guess I understand that most people deal with this. I have been controlling in the past, but these days I am not trying to control her at all.

But is it even possible to exist in a friendship where you are always jealous? I think I experience it a little more than most people. In small situations, I get bothered if she is talking to other guys. And so if she were, in a year or a few years, to go on a date with someone or to actually hang out with another guy alone (because up until this point, I have been her only close male friend), I know I would be so jealous that I feel like it would drive me mad. If she were to tell me that she was going to the movies this weekend with some guy, I would be so upset and it would put me in a depressed mood for awhile.

 

[Harmony1988]

Buck to put your mind at ease, let me say this. You are not more jealous than most people, you probably think that, and I myself think that too for myself. I think our ability to think of something and then think of it too much and get angry over it is quite normal, don’t forget, Satan knows our weaknesses and loves introducing thoughts specific to us to get us boiling.

“I know I would be so jealous that I feel like it would drive me mad. If she were to tell me that she was going to the movies this weekend with some guy, I would be so upset and it would put me in a depressed mood for awhile.”

Same for me, same for any rational person that is interested in a girl to discover that she is going out with someone else, even just for “friends”. It’s even more irritating when you realize you can’t really do much.

It’s worrying I know, can’t give you too much advice really, except let you know it’s normal, just don’t let it go out of control so as to lead to violence.

 

[whatevergirl]

I just did a quick search online, and apparently what I struggle with is actually “envy,” which would be not wanting someone to have what I don’t have, as opposed to “jealousy,” which is not wanting someone to have what I do have.

However, I have no doubt that if I were in a relationship with her, I would struggle with jealousy. So I guess they can be lumped together here.

Hi buck;

I have read somewhere that jealousy and envy are close cousins with fear. Fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of something…I think that you fear losing an opportunity with this girl, so perhaps envy/jealousy rears its ugly head at that time. I think that there are cases for healthy jealousy, but if it just continues or is left unchecked, jealousy and envy can rob us of our energy that is needed to devote our minds, and hearts to the kingdom of God. So, my advice would be to lift it up in prayer to God, and frankly, if she is not willing to date you–don’t put your life on hold. Date others. You might end up finding someone else who you allowed to pass by, because you were waiting on something that might never come to fruition.

Just keep praying, and focusing your energy on positive things, and not on what you don’t have, and why you don’t have it. Focus on your blessings, and again, don’t put your life on hold waiting on someone to decide if she wants to be with you, or date you, or give you a chance, or whatever. If it’s meant to be, you will both find each other again, in the future…but in the meanntime, enjoy your life to its fullest.

 

[buckr02]

Hi buck;

I have read somewhere that jealousy and envy are close cousins with fear. Fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of something…I think that you fear losing an opportunity with this girl, so perhaps envy/jealousy rears its ugly head at that time. I think that there are cases for healthy jealousy, but if it just continues or is left unchecked, jealousy and envy can rob us of our energy that is needed to devote our minds, and hearts to the kingdom of God. So, my advice would be to lift it up in prayer to God, and frankly, if she is not willing to date you–don’t put your life on hold. Date others. You might end up finding someone else who you allowed to pass by, because you were waiting on something that might never come to fruition.

Just keep praying, and focusing your energy on positive things, and not on what you don’t have, and why you don’t have it. Focus on your blessings, and again, don’t put your life on hold waiting on someone to decide if she wants to be with you, or date you, or give you a chance, or whatever. If it’s meant to be, you will both find each other again, in the future…but in the meanntime, enjoy your life to its fullest.

Hey whatevergirl, I was hoping you would add some of your thoughts. Your advice from my previous thread was very helpful, so thanks for that and thanks again for good advice.

I really feel that you and the others who have commented here are right, and I guess I plan on having the attitude that I will not “wait” and get my hopes high that we will have a relationship later, but I can still be open to it. I want to send her a quick email because last night I was asking so many questions and over-analyzing things and I think it made her uncomfortable. I was going to just say something along the lines of,

“About last night, I hope you understand that I wasn’t trying to manipulate you or get you to change your mind. The whole “waiting” thing is a big deal, so I had to understand what you were planning so I didn’t make the wrong decision. I hope we’re ok now and we can just go through the next few years without the idea of waiting for each other and just see what happens.”

But even with just writing this little bit, I’m already getting those horrible feelings like, “what if she does meet someone?” or “what if she goes on a date” or “what if I’m not her best male friend in college?” and so many other little worries that almost make me wish we had never met. It’s driving me crazzzzyyyyy :banghead:

 

[whatevergirl]

Hey whatevergirl, I was hoping you would add some of your thoughts. Your advice from my previous thread was very helpful, so thanks for that and thanks again for good advice.

I really feel that you and the others who have commented here are right, and I guess I plan on having the attitude that I will not “wait” and get my hopes high that we will have a relationship later, but I can still be open to it. I want to send her a quick email because last night I was asking so many questions and over-analyzing things and I think it made her uncomfortable. I was going to just say something along the lines of,

“About last night, I hope you understand that I wasn’t trying to manipulate you or get you to change your mind. The whole “waiting” thing is a big deal, so I had to understand what you were planning so I didn’t make the wrong decision. I hope we’re ok now and we can just go through the next few years without the idea of waiting for each other and just see what happens.”

But even with just writing this little bit, I’m already getting those horrible feelings like, “what if she does meet someone?” or “what if she goes on a date” or “what if I’m not her best male friend in college?” and so many other little worries that almost make me wish we had never met. It’s driving me crazzzzyyyyy :banghead:

Aw!! I feel for you, buck.
I think it’s very endearing that you don’t want to ruin things with her, and in some ways, the over analyzation can be charming, BUT…I think that at this point, silence might be a better way to go. I’m a woman, and I remember a guy back from my sr year in high school, who after we ‘broke up,’ he was always sending cards, stopping over to make sure I wasn’t mad, etc…it just was a little much, and frankly, it did make me feel a bit uneasy. After 2 years, though, we began dating again in college, just for a short time, and we both came to the realization that we were not right for each other. That may or may not happen for you both–but just know, there’s life outside of her. lol It’s hard to see that now, but trust me…the world is filled with great young Catholic women, who you might take an interest in…but, as long as you continue to cling to the potential of something that really isn’t anything right now, except a friendship, you might pass up a wonderful girl.

I will also caution you to over fantasizing about a person like this–by fantasy I mean, building her up to be perfect in your mind. She might make a terrible girlfriend, you don’t know. But, I think that by overthinking about her too much, you run the risk of building her up to be something she can never live up to, if in fact, you both end up dating. I say this, because I dated a guy in highschool, (a different one in my sr year than the one above) and he said that he would sit in his truck and watch me walk into school in the morning, and on and on and on…and guess what? We began dating, and I’m not perfect, lo and behold! He had such an ideal of me built up in his head, that there was no way I could ever measure up. But from afar, looking at me in his truck, I was someone he wanted to pursue.

Now, in your case, you know this girl, but …in reading your posts, it seems that you are becoming too fixated on just her. No one is perfect, and again, if she wants to date other people…she is either a) not interested in you ‘like that’ or b) she isn’t ready for a serious relationship, period. There really is no grey areas…I am a woman, and I remember the ‘woman-ese’ that I would speak, when I wasn’t interested in someone to date, and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Not saying that is the case, but just force yourself to put her out of your mind in a dating capacity right now…and enjoy your life. It’s easy to say, I know–but I think that you will find greater joy and peace, if you just let this go for a while…let her get back to you now. Let her keep in touch–see if she stays in touch.

Again…go out and live life! And, if it’s all meant to be…your paths will cross again…‘in that way.’

 

[buckr02]

Boy, I wish I had a friend like you around here. My friends can’t seem to give advice quite like you can I want to ask you about this though:

if she wants to date other people…she is either a) not interested in you ‘like that’ or b) she isn’t ready for a serious relationship, period. There really is no grey areas…I am a woman, and I remember the ‘woman-ese’ that I would speak, when I wasn’t interested in someone to date, and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I’m confused by the b) option. Why would you just date other people if you aren’t ready for a serious relationship? Do you mean she isn’t ready for one with me or in general? Because I always thought the idea of dating around was to find someone you would be interested in being in a serious relationship with.

Also, should I ask her if a) is the case? I really don’t want to be let down easy, if she knows she’s not interested than I would rather find out now the hard way than in the future the “easy” way.

 

[whatevergirl]

Boy, I wish I had a friend like you around here. My friends can’t seem to give advice quite like you can I want to ask you about this though:

I’m confused by the b) option. Why would you just date other people if you aren’t ready for a serious relationship? Do you mean she isn’t ready for one with me or in general? Because I always thought the idea of dating around was to find someone you would be interested in being in a serious relationship with.

Also, should I ask her if a) is the case? I really don’t want to be let down easy, if she knows she’s not interested than I would rather find out now the hard way than in the future the “easy” way.

I’m 39, and I have a teenage son…who is not yet dating, but we have had some of these talks, already. He doesn’t really like like anyone yet, but I think it’s never too early to have these conversations about love, etc…

I don’t know if she could guarantee you an answer right now…she is just embarking on to college, a new chapter of life…she might have a lot on her plate, and just has no idea where her life will be in 5 years, when it comes to a man. So, while she is not interested in a relationship now, and that truly could be a genuine answer, she might change her mind 2 years from now, you know what I’m saying? I would NOT ask her anything further, as it relates to having a potential relationship with you. I think that her answer to want to see other people, is the answer to go with right now. But, again–don’t let her dictate your next move in life. She is not a girlfriend, she is not a potential wife, she is someone you like very much, and until she returns that gesture, do not wait to make your next move, based on what she does.

This can also be a time for you to reflect on you, buck. I don’t think there is anything wrong with ‘longing’ for someone, but you have to leave her be at this point–be her friend, and while you mean well, it can be construed that you are pushing too hard. And that is not her issue, that is more you. If someone chooses to date other guys, while it hurts at this time, you just have to accept that, and let it go for now. I understand that you don’t want to wait and then be let down…THEN DON’T WAIT. While she might be a great person, she is not interested in dating you at this time…if the conversation never resurrects again, then, she is not interested in dating you–period. And, in your reflection, know that you are a wonderful child of God, and that this might not be God’s will for you–trying to put a square peg into a triangle hole, will never work–even in love. And I agree with the poster from the other thread (I went back to reread today) that you might sour your relationship with her if you’re too …eager…

Beware that the devil likes to make us feel badly about ourselves…anything to divert our attention away from living life according to God’s plan…anything to take away our piety. Don’t let this happen to you…

My advice…say nothing else about this. NOTHING. Just say hello…how are you…how’s your day? What did you eat for lunch? haha Well, you’ll do better than this, but you get the idea. Just don’t talk about you and her…there is not you and her right now, and she has somewhat made that clear without coming out and saying it. If it is meant to be, I’m confident that you and she will end up dating…but, don’t ask her anything more about this-just let it lie for now.

While I don’t know you, I want the best for you, as a brother in Christ…and just don’t think this is the best way that you can be serving God right now.

Stay strong! Keep the faith!

 

[Just_Lurking]

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.

I recommend professional counseling. It isn’t just for crazy people, or sick people. It is for anyone who wants to improve their emotional health.

If money is an issue, find a nearby university that has a counseling program. They will probably have a free counseling center where the student counselors can learn their craft by operating under the supervision of experienced counselors.

In general, working on your jealousy/envy problem can be tackled on two fronts: finding techniques to deal with the feelings as they arise now, and developing insights and understanding as to how these feelings tie into your personality and upbringing.

 

[Ruthie]

You’ve had a lot of good advice, Buck.

I’ll just add something I learned when I ***really ***fell in love for the first time.

Real love wants whatever is best for the other person. If that means letting her go to fall in love with someone else, that’s what it means. I agree with the ones who said that jealousy is the fear of losing something - but you can’t lose what you never had.

So instead of emailing her all the time and constantly worrying about your current relationship with her and what it might develop into, pray for her something like this:

Dear Lord, bless and protect and be with (her name), and please give her what she needs in life, even if it isn’t me. Your will be done. Amen.

You’ll find that if you pray like that for her, every day, you’ll become more able to see her through God’s eyes instead of your own. Jealousy distorts your vision!

Ruthie

 

[chevalier]

Yeah, I second that.

Besides, you need a woman who will actually want to be with you on her own, not one who needs to be controlled or made to stick with you. That’s not worth it. If she wants to spend time with other guys, she isn’t decided. If she wants to spend time with other guys but not with you, then she probably isn’t for you.

Should you even actually be able to force her or convince her, it will not make you happy. You’d go mad even more if you had a wife you couldn’t keep than a girl who just isn’t much into you.

 

[whatevergirl]

You’ve had a lot of good advice, Buck.

I’ll just add something I learned when I ***really ***fell in love for the first time.

Real love wants whatever is best for the other person. If that means letting her go to fall in love with someone else, that’s what it means. I agree with the ones who said that jealousy is the fear of losing something - but you can’t lose what you never had.

So instead of emailing her all the time and constantly worrying about your current relationship with her and what it might develop into, pray for her something like this:

Dear Lord, bless and protect and be with (her name), and please give her what she needs in life, even if it isn’t me. Your will be done. Amen.

You’ll find that if you pray like that for her, every day, you’ll become more able to see her through God’s eyes instead of your own. Jealousy distorts your vision!

Ruthie

This is an excellent post–I agree.

 

[BamaRider]

Look, you can hang around and wait for this girl, and swoon when she enters the room, and tie yourself in knots when she talks with someone, etc but if it were ME, I’d be moving on and open myself up to the possiblility, that there are many young ladies out there, and more than a few just might wanna spend time with me.

Funny, when a guy on a girl’s string bolts, and another takes intrest, all of sudden he’s Brad Pitt. Go figure.

 

[Guitar]

In small situations, I get bothered if she is talking to other guys. And so if she were, in a year or a few years, to go on a date with someone or to actually hang out with another guy alone (because up until this point, I have been her only close male friend), I know I would be so jealous that I feel like it would drive me mad. If she were to tell me that she was going to the movies this weekend with some guy, I would be so upset and it would put me in a depressed mood for awhile.

Good for you Buck for thinking this through rather than doing as many do and blaming everything on the person that is “making” them feel jealous. You’ve had some great advice on this particular relationship so I am just going to make some general comments for what they are worth.

Your first sentence caught my eye because I once had a man become steadily more jealous of my friendship to the point where even onlookers commented he couldn’t handle any other male even chatting about the weather. Once I recognised this escalating behaviour pattern, he was sent packing. Were I ever to date again, that kind of jealousy is something I’d be alert for and the first whiff of it, I’d be three counties away so fast you wouldn’t see which way I went.

So it’s great to read a thread where a young man is thinking about what he feels and why rather than lashing out at the woman. But if you feel unhappy when a love interest is just “taking to other guys”, that’s something to work on in general, not just in regard to this particular girl.

No matter how crazy about her a man is, his interest in a woman doesn’t oblige her to reciprocate it. (And of course the converse applies.) Even if she does, she remains a free-thinking adult in control of her own life and entitled to normal relationships in her work, study and recreation. Perhaps you can see, if you put yourself in a young woman’s shoes, how she might flee from a man who experiences strong feelings when she does normal things she is perfectly entitled to do. Some girls might be flattered (“Gee, that’s how much I mean to him!”) but I suspect those girls run the risk of getting stuck with a control freak for a husband. Other girls will be affronted that a man is getting upset over some aspect of her life that is not any of his business.

Separate to the issue with my erstwhile friend, I’ve had a lot of grief from someone else who tried to exercise inappropriate control over me because of a kind of jealousy. Had he acknowledged first that he felt jealousy, then acknowledged why he felt it, then communicated that to me, instead of attacking me and accusing me of wrongdoing, there would have been a very different outcome. In your post, you talk about what you feel without suggesting that the young lady shouldn’t talk to other guys or go to a movie with one, and that’s really good to see, but it seems to me that your feelings are a little out of proportion if the thought of her doing perfectly reasonably things upsets you that much. I can only suggest that it might help to remind yourself that people are entitled to choose their own relationships and none of us owe anything to another person just because they’re keen on us, hard though that can be to accept. It is very unlikely you will ever have a girlfriend/fiancée/wife who never talks to other guys, so I hope you can find some peace on this issue. You’re off to a good start, though - you’re not going about it the way most people seem to!

 

[whatevergirl]

Look, you can hang around and wait for this girl, and swoon when she enters the room, and tie yourself in knots when she talks with someone, etc but if it were ME, I’d be moving on and open myself up to the possiblility, that there are many young ladies out there, and more than a few just might wanna spend time with me.

Funny, when a guy on a girl’s string bolts, and another takes intrest, all of sudden he’s Brad Pitt. Go figure.

Perfectly said…you’re too funny!

 

[Just_Lurking]

I’ve had a lot of grief from someone else who tried to exercise inappropriate control over me because of a kind of jealousy.

Your story raises an interesting point. Sometimes jealousy comes from fear, but it can also come from feelings of entitlement or ownership of the other person. It is useful to determine the underlying cause of the jealousy to figure out how to best deal with it.

 

[buckr02]

I really appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut, you have all helped tremendously. The advice, encouragement, and tips will help me a lot with this.

Unfortunately, today I have been dealing with a different problem. After really thinking things over, I’m starting to not so much get worried about being jealous like I was before, but instead I am getting an overwhelming feeling like I’ve been lied to for the last several years. I’ve mentioned this before, but it is bothering me more now - ever since I told her that I liked her, she has always said that she was going to wait until she was done with school and ready to marry to date and now she says she will be open to dating in college. She even told me that if anything happened with her in the future, it wouldn’t be for like eight years.

When we talked, she said that there’s a difference between “dating” and “going on a date.” Even though some have tried explaining this, it still doesn’t make sense. She claimed that she would only “go on a date” to see if she liked that person enough to get into a relationship with them. But she also said that while she will go on dates in college, she won’t be in a relationship until after college, when she has time for one. So why would she go on a date to see if she could be in a relationship with someone if she doesn’t plan on being in a relationship with that person?

I just feel with everything she has said, she must be lying about something. I feel like she has just used the excuses in the past to let me down easy, but that doesn’t sit well with me. I really want to be mad at her and tell her why I am mad but I don’t want to do anything rash, so I’m giving it some time. I’m just tired of girls lying to me, it seems like they have been my whole life and I thought she was different.

I’m hoping you experts can put my mind at ease or give some advice as to what is the best thing to do.