How to deal with jealousy issues

[Harmony1988]

Look, you can hang around and wait for this girl, and swoon when she enters the room, and tie yourself in knots when she talks with someone, etc but if it were ME, I’d be moving on and open myself up to the possiblility, that there are many young ladies out there, and more than a few just might wanna spend time with me.

Funny, when a guy on a girl’s string bolts, and another takes intrest, all of sudden he’s Brad Pitt. Go figure.

I agree with Bama. I too was so very attached to a girl once. I felt I could and would wait it out, etc etc, but the phrase “there is plenty more fish in the sea” is really true and applicable for us guys. Please do not waste your life doing this, I did, from 18 - 19, dating, girls and etc. should be exciting yes, and some suspense, but it’s very unhealthy when it turns to jealousy and depression and you get stuck in that cycle.

Move on, is what others here say, if it should be that one day you two get together, even if it’s 8 years down the line, then so be it, it would be God who dealt the final card there. But enjoy yourself and be willing to get to know and date the thousands of thousands of other great women to discern your partner. It seems though that you are very interested in friendship first, and so you should be, so expand on your current friendships or meet some new people, at youth groups, catholic social talks, meetings and etc.

 

[whatevergirl]

I really appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut, you have all helped tremendously. The advice, encouragement, and tips will help me a lot with this.

Unfortunately, today I have been dealing with a different problem. After really thinking things over, I’m starting to not so much get worried about being jealous like I was before, but instead I am getting an overwhelming feeling like I’ve been lied to for the last several years. I’ve mentioned this before, but it is bothering me more now - ever since I told her that I liked her, she has always said that she was going to wait until she was done with school and ready to marry to date and now she says she will be open to dating in college. She even told me that if anything happened with her in the future, it wouldn’t be for like eight years.

When we talked, she said that there’s a difference between “dating” and “going on a date.” Even though some have tried explaining this, it still doesn’t make sense. She claimed that she would only “go on a date” to see if she liked that person enough to get into a relationship with them. But she also said that while she will go on dates in college, she won’t be in a relationship until after college, when she has time for one. So why would she go on a date to see if she could be in a relationship with someone if she doesn’t plan on being in a relationship with that person?

I just feel with everything she has said, she must be lying about something. I feel like she has just used the excuses in the past to let me down easy, but that doesn’t sit well with me. I really want to be mad at her and tell her why I am mad but I don’t want to do anything rash, so I’m giving it some time. I’m just tired of girls lying to me, it seems like they have been my whole life and I thought she was different.

I’m hoping you experts can put my mind at ease or give some advice as to what is the best thing to do.

I think as we get older, we evolve…we are permitted to change our minds. It probably isn’t personal with you–she is just evolving. I have changed my mind a zillion times (at least lol) since I was a teenager…lol I don’t think it’s fair to dub her a liar, although, buck–I can understand your pain. You obviously really like this girl. Maybe just have a heart to heart with her, at this point. If she cares about you, she’ll listen. But, I would try not to put such high expectations on women who are just friends. You will find that special someone some day–maybe it will be this girl, maybe not. But, you are going to make yourself sick over this, if you haven’t already. Again, I understand…but young people change their minds all of the time…I don’t think that a teenager heading off to college, should commit herself to any relationships, if she is truly not ready…then, she would be lying to herself.

I think either have a heart to heart with her…OR…just put some distance between you and this situation. Pray for guidance…and ask God to repair your aching heart…I’m sorry you’re hurting.

 

[HappyPerson]

She even told me that if anything happened with her in the future, it wouldn’t be for like eight years.

Every day is a gift from God, and not a guarantee. She could get into a car accident and die, 7 years and 364 days from now, and then what? You will have missed out on the woman who God truly wanted you to marry, because you wasted your time on this woman who seems like she could care less if she puts you through eight years of intense emotional anguish.

In the other thread, I advised that you ask her out, now, and if she turns you down, have nothing to do with her unless she initiates a conversation for the specific purpose of becoming romantically involved with you. I stand by that, although now I wonder whether this woman is even worth asking out, after feeding you such a line.

Your issue isn’t jealousy. Your issue seems more like a willingness to allow someone to string your heart along without committing, jealousy merely being a natural consequence of getting yourself into such a situation.

I feel that you need to ask yourself why you like this girl.

Is it because she cares so much about YOUR heart?
Is it that she has the same views towards relationships/marriage as you, and is at the same place in her life as far as they are concerned?

There are two secular songs I can think of that apply to your situation. “Should I stay or Should I go” by the Clash, and “I Need to Know” by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. They both are kind of “tell it to me straight” songs.

Right now, you are giving this girl a green light to play around with your feelings. DON’T LET HER. I say it, again, ask her out NOW, and if she turns you down, don’t initiate any more conversations with her, don’t be her shoulder to cry on, only accept other conversations from her if her intention is to start a RELATIONSHIP(casual dating is NOT enough) with you.

You gave her five years. Don’t give her a second more unless she is willing to return your feelings.

 

[StMagdalene79]

Buck,

It seems as though you are not trusting her. You think she is giving you the run around but she may like you alot but SHE may be afraid of getting into a relationship since it will be difficult with college and all. I would not think of this as someone who is trying to get rid of you. There is no problem with taking things slow with this person and if God wills you will end up dating her you will. Don’t be afraid to tell her excatly how you feel.

As for the jelousy or envy. I’ve been married for 3 years and there still is temptation to judge my wife when she talks to others or envy the people she talks to. Try your best to use the virtue of Love toward those she talks to and always give her the proper Justice not to think bad of her if she talks to someone else. Now when I am about at work and such I try my best not to get into serious conversations with other women. Talking about work related things is one thing and having a few female friends is another but alot of talking to many woman can get you into trouble. I read St.Bonaventures book about St.Francis that St.Francis wouldnt even look at a woman unless he talked about repentance and such. I try to use the formula when talking to random women to always have God as the subject or use the virtues toward these people. I hope everything works out well for you, I will pray for you.

 

[chevalier]

Buck,

The girl is young. She may change her mind. People aren’t always consistent. Remember that you’re trying to figure this all out, whereas she’s trying to express herself. You’ll be paying a lot of attention to consistency and patterns, she will not. This doesn’t make her a liar, though admittedly there’s a lot of possibility that she isn’t very collected at this point and that she hasn’t been too considerate with you.

Speaking of considerate, she isn’t showing a lot of that to you. Her concern seems to be much more how she feels than how you feel. If we love someone, we are concerned how he feels equally or more than how we feel. Therefore it would be rather safe to conclude that you aren’t very special to that girl or that she’s so preoccupied with her problems at the moment that people don’t have the capacity to become special to her.

At any rate, I think it’d be unhealthy to accept that another person’s whims should rule our lives. You need to be responsible for yourself and for that you need to make your choices, not follow the whims of a woman who isn’t very interested in you.

Note that there might be women who are or will be interested in you, while you don’t even know why you’re interested in this girl so much, given the treatment you get.

All in all, move on. Ask her out now, or not, but personally, I wouldn’t be so sure if you’d be happy even if she were to agree.

At any rate, you need to live your own life.

 

[BamaRider]

I see you’re still tied up in knots about this girl, so I dunno.

Why ya wanna be this girl’s doormat?

 

[buckr02]

Hello everyone,

She and I just had a phone conversation, but I have to leave for a wedding so I will post the details later tonight or tomorrow.

–buckr02

 

[buckr02]

Ok, so here’s the latest update:

As I said yesterday, my friend and I talked on the phone and we sorted some things out. Because of everyone’s advice and for my own sanity, I decided to give her a call and ask for some more solid, clear answers.

Basically, the conversation got to me saying exactly what I wanted to know. I told her that I could see two extremes as to why she would be giving me such vague answers and seemingly not care about what I had to say. The extremes were that either she wanted us to have a relationship in the future, but just needed to be sure, or that she didn’t want it and was just using me as a backup in case she couldn’t find something better. After a little finagling (I just typed the word “finagling” and expected my spell checker to go off - haha, I guess that’s how you spell it), she told me pretty clearly that it was more like the first option, and that she wanted a relationship in the future but she felt that she needed to be sure. She also said she was approaching things the way she was because she felt that I haven’t really known all that many girls closely and she wanted me to be sure as well.

So that was that - by the end of the conversation we both agreed to “meet new people.”

Thoughts / questions / concerns?

 

[HappyPerson]

she told me pretty clearly that it was more like the first option, and that she wanted a relationship in the future but she felt that she needed to be sure. She also said she was approaching things the way she was because she felt that I haven’t really known all that many girls closely and she wanted me to be sure as well.

So that was that - by the end of the conversation we both agreed to “meet new people.”

Thoughts / questions / concerns?

If she doesn’t know after five years, she is NOT worth the wait. Don’t waste another second of your time on her. Save your heart for someone who will treat it with respect, NOT someone like her who will string it along, and drag it around, not caring whether she hurts you. You are too good for her. You deserve better. I would recommend not even remaining friends with her. I’d recommend that you sever all ties with her (in a charitable manner) and keep your heart open for the person, or vocation that God has prepared for you. This girl seems to have nothing to offer other than agonizing pain. I’d recommend that you read Proverbs 4:23, as well.

 

[BamaRider]

So that was that - by the end of the conversation we both agreed to “meet new people.”

Thoughts / questions / concerns?

She wouldn’t hafta to tell me twice. I’d have a new lady on the phone like- TODAY.

I only know this young lady from the internet, but I’m thinkin if you ain’t crazy when you meet her, you’ll be in a straight jacket after a couple weeks. :whacky: She’s all over the map.

 

[buckr02]

If she doesn’t know after five years, she is NOT worth the wait. Don’t waste another second of your time on her. Save your heart for someone who will treat it with respect, NOT someone like her who will string it along, and drag it around, not caring whether she hurts you. You are too good for her. You deserve better. I would recommend not even remaining friends with her. I’d recommend that you sever all ties with her (in a charitable manner) and keep your heart open for the person, or vocation that God has prepared for you. This girl seems to have nothing to offer other than agonizing pain. I’d recommend that you read Proverbs 4:23, as well.

I think she and I both realize that if we got into a relationship, that it would be a serious one looking toward marriage. She doesn’t want to rush into things and ruin anything because of making rash decisions. I think she has a lot more wisdom than I have been giving her credit for.

I mean, she knows that both of us are considering religious life (and in my case, priesthood). She also knows that she and I both haven’t had other close friends of the opposite sex. She is also only just about to go into college and she doesn’t know what’s going to happen with her life; she has even said on several occasions that she doesn’t know if she wants to get married or not.

So for her, at this point, to say that she wants something to happen between us but just isn’t sure is actually better than what I had expected. I called her expecting to get more bleak answers and at that point I was planning on cutting all ties.

Right now, I’m not planning on “waiting” for her. I do plan on going out there and meeting new girls and going on dates because she is right, I am not sure about things myself. I do need to meet more people, because this is a big decision.

I think the underlying factor here is that both of us realize for us to start a relationship would be a BIG decision and it’s not something we’d enter into just for the sake of doing so. We’d probably only do so if we were both certain we were going to aim at marriage and if either of us have any doubts, then wouldn’t it be worth it to make sure?

 

[whatevergirl]

This is good news, buck–thanks for the update. I think that this will help you put your mind at ease–and she sounds like a great person. (I never doubted that!)

Have a good week!