How to deal with moms old gay photos?

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mary15, I feel for you in your grief. I’ll pray for you and your mom and her former partner.
These types of losses are so hard.
God bless you and may your mom rest in peace.
 
I am deeply sorry to know of your loss. This is not something you need to deal with today, or tomorrow, or the next day. Put them away and face the issue when you are ready. Only you can make that call.

As for the pictures themselves, I would be mindful that there was a lot more to your mother’s relationship with this woman, than just illicit intimacies. I have somewhat unwittingly found myself becoming kind of an apologist for gay people lately — not sure how that happened, I guess it’s just a function of trying to treat all people with kindness and decency. Telling people that sin is not sin — as many sinners, both gay and straight, practically beg us to do (so they will have some kind of affirmation of their desires and lifestyle) — is neither kind nor decent. But there is more to two gay people loving each other, than just sex and sexual attraction.

Just as we do not tell married people, when their marriages are declared null, that their relationship with that putative spouse was garbage and to be consigned to the dustbin, and just as we do not tell divorced and invalidly “remarried” people that their relationships are garbage and to be consigned to the dustbin, so neither should we treat gay people that way. If I had a gay couple living next door to me (there was a gay bachelor who lived with his mother, but no couples, not yet anyway), I wouldn’t shun or avoid them. I would be as decent and civil to them, as I would be to anyone else. And as I said elsewhere on CAF recently, nobody ever had an abortion as a result of a gay liaison. Nobody ever used an abortifacient contraceptive as part of engaging in a gay liaison. Gay sex is mortally sinful, but a lot of things people do are mortally sinful. And there shouldn’t be any need (and may not be any need) for me to say this, but I’m not gay. Contented bachelor, yes. Gay, no. But even if I were, I would be just as precious in the Sight of God, and would deserve nobody’s opprobrium. I’m celibate now, and l like women. I’d be equally celibate if I liked men.

I say keep the pictures and cherish them.
 
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@puer.dei really good point…how can love be evil? I do love her and I think that as I write this its become clear to me that I loved her more perhaps than mom who was so violent. She probably saved my life a few times.

later on, she is the one who came to visit me at the dorms, not mom.

She and I went to the florist together to pick out my flowers for my wedding.

Yes, I am talking with a priest over some trauma issues, and I think what I have discerned so far, is to remove anything that is an attachment which is disordered-something I don’t really understand as a concept fully.

this priest I think is trying to get me to give myself to God completely, and to detach, actually from my passions and desires of the flesh.

I don’t know how to detach from this grief or what this even means in this situation.

But he wants me to be like Mary and to ask myself what would Mary do in difficult situations.

He told me when overwhelmed picture resting my head on HIs feet at the foot of the cross.
 
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I’m so sorry for your pain and grief.

You tell a really interesting story of conversion.
At the same time, your mothers ex partner doesn’t want the pictures.
Maybe save one or two and get rid of the rest?
 
Sometimes I wonder what in the world is a disordered attatchment?

How can it possibly be disordered to love someone who is a sinner in old photos?

Probably not…It’s so hard to learn the whole faith, its so complicated sometimes,

Jesus I need to rest in your wounds. I Love you.

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mary15 said:
don’t know how to detach from this grief or what this even means in this situation.
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Please, I don’t think you should.

You are dealing with loss. You shouldn’t detach from it. That’s just plain bad advice, even if it’s coming from your priest. I don’t want to overstep my limits here as an anonymous stranger, but please allow yourself to grieve for your mother. You’ve a right to grieve. I really don’t think you should detach.

It’s up to you. I am really, really sorry for your loss and appreciate that you are in a lot of pain right now, and I hope I haven’t struck a nerve with my post. Your mother and yourself are in my prayers.
 
@Salibi Thank you, no worries.

PAX

Please dont worry about contributing to a forum discussion.

I came here to talk to regular folks!

I love you in Christ Jesus.
 
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mary15 said:
is to remove anything that is an attachment which is disordered
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I don’t think that your love for someone who cared for and about you when you were young is a disordered love! Their love for each other may have been, but that is nothing to do with you.

Imagine if your mother had been living with her sister and so your aunt helped raise you. You would love her and have photos of the two of you together and you would think nothing of it.

These photos are part of your life and your growing up. The fact that she was your mother’s “friend” instead of friend is irrelevant.
 
mary15 said:
In the meantime, I wondered if photos of my moms partner and herself together, apart or with myself, are somehow so evil, that it is best to throw them away?
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They’re photos - nothing less and nothing more -
It’s not a sin to toss them…

_
 
It’s not wrong to keep the photos or to throw them away. If you feel they’re meaningful then I suggest you keep them. Put them in a desk drawer, or keep them in a special photo album/scrapbook (idk if you like crafting but I do) but if the photos do not have sentimental value to you or anyone else, then it’s not a big deal to dispose of them. Just assess whether or not the photos have emotional value.
Good luck 💕
 
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What I have to say has already been said.

You’re grieving. That that process take shape how ever it will, and don’t make any major decisions, including throwing away the photos.

For now, keep the photos. Put them aside, and come back to them in a few months or years. What you decide to do then will he up to you. It is not a sin to keep them nor is it evil to keep them. But it’s not wrong to get rid of them either. You can even consult a priest at that time if you want.
But in difficult times, such as what you’re going through now, I believe it’s best not to make a decision such as this. Take your time.
 
@Annie Thank you for hitting the nail right on the head with this response:

" I don’t think that your love for someone who cared for and about you when you were young is a disordered love!"

I badly needed this answer. It’s exactly what I was looking for among many thoughts and questions going through my heart and mind and soul.

My concern is that it was a disordered love.

You are right, its nothing to do with me, what my mom’s lifestyle was at the time.

I just want so much to have a clean heart, so the quest for this purity is ongoing.

Thanks so much for your helpful insight.

@tradntru You said:

“I’d ask myself what the effect of having it or not having it is. would it lead you to sinful thinking (judgment, despair or sadness, preoccupation with the past, etc.?)”

Thank you so much. I totally understand where you are going with this. I thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut here on this topic. I really need and desire to move away from despair and to seek this mystical union with Him. Your question is a great example of how we should be discerning, in my humble opinion.

Thank you. I really get you, so please accept the good that I am bringing to you. I have already started to take a look at St Teresa of Avila and other mystics.

My opinion is that I need to really take a hard look at my lifestyle and remove all barriors, with the help of our Lord, to union with Him.

What gets in the way? What leads me to sin? what leads me to bad habits and to stay in those habits?

God bless you
 
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@Episcopalian, Thank you, yes, I do love them both and I had more than one mom!

Some pictures did bring me pure joy, that’s a great question!

But the cards, were none of my business and truly cringe-worthy at times.

There was a box of about 200 of them.

There are many more boxes of moms stuff and I just don’t know if I can even look right about now.

Probably developing out my faith life is more vital to sustaining my life right now, than anything else.

I am so grateful to CAF for providing a platform for Q and A and discussion for difficult and confounding questions.
 
@TK421 thank you so much. He can indeed bring something good out of what seems like something improper or confusing. You say He never stops working, an excellent concept to remember in all things.

He is always there and He works all things for good, despite ourselves!

Thank you for your kind and a generous reminder to pray to our angels, especially our guardian angels for help and assistance.

I often forget this as well as praying to all the saints for help.

Still it can be so lonely here in the world. I know the saints are there for us and we are never alone, but my flesh is weak, and I do love and need people in my life as well.

God bless you.

Thanks for writing.
 
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Usually I advise people to be suspicious of an easy answer, but I’ll make an exception in this case. Ms. X has said that she doesn’t want the old pictures, but that doesn’t mean you can’t quietly lock them away somewhere in case she comes to you somewhere done the road and says that she has changed her mind. (Not to mention the possibility that you might want some of them yourself, because of your mother.)

In short, I second what Lou said:
Lou2U said:
My advice to you is not to make any big decisions right now.
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I cannot stress enough how against gay partnerships I am as a Catholic. And I’d keep the photos. I’d keep them and cherish the memory of my mom. The good, and the “bad”. Those photos are your mom’s story. And they are your story.
 
If you are torn, put the pictures in a box and keep them.

There is no reason you can’t keep them. NOW - if there are a few pictures in there that you don’t want to keep (i.e. the two of them kissing, or something like that) get rid of those.

But in general, you don’t have to throw out the pictures. Afterall, you did have bond with this person too. She was a part of your life too.

If you are concerned about what your future kids or grandkids might think, you can simply keep the pictures that are plutonic or show sisterly love (non romantic).

But don’t beat yourself up of this. If you are unsure, keep them. Then, slowly sort though individual pictures you really want to destroy vs ones you don’t or are unsure of.

Any picture you are unsure about, keep in the box.

I hope this helps. God Bless & Godspeed
 
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mary15 said:
Some pictures did bring me pure joy, that’s a great question!

But the cards, were none of my business and truly cringe-worthy at times.

There was a box of about 200 of them.

There are many more boxes of moms stuff and I just don’t know if I can even look right about now.

Probably developing out my faith life is more vital to sustaining my life right now, than anything else.

I am so grateful to CAF for providing a platform for Q and A and discussion for difficult and confounding questions.
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You could always keep the pictures and shred the cards. That’s what I’d do.

I am happy you have been able to find such good advice on this forum.
 
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