How to deal with shame?

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I feel like my whole idea of Catholicism is warped. It has been just about following the rules and trying not to do bad. It seems like I do ok when I do that but once I fall I just completely give up. Guess recently I’ve been blaming religion, “Religion is the reason you feel all this shame, why do you want to be part of a religion that shames and condemns people for doing things?” , that’s been going on in my head. Said a little prayer this morning, first time I prayed in days. I’m going to try to goto confession tonight. I don’t know, I just can’t keep going like this.

I struggle with same sex attraction and have given back into porn recently. I feel like if I were to go and pursue a same sex relationship I would be met with hatred and ridicule, do I really want to be part of a religion that would hate me if I did that? Growing up I got that having sex before marriage was one of the worst things you could do and that has lead me to suppress my sexual desires. Afraid of looking at a woman or man the wrong way. Basically I get in a state and it seems like I’m trapped. There’s all these NOs I can’t do and it seems like whatever I do I’m going to screw it up and I just live in fear. Then I think, well I seem miserable now, so what’s the point? Might as well give in, but seems like I just give into addiction at that point… I don’t know what to do. In new city, out of college, going to start a new job for summer next week. I feel so lost.
 
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Contrary to what modern thought says, shame is a good thing to feel. You should feel shame for doing something wrong. The problem is letting that shame keep you down instead of pushing you to do better as it is supposed to do.
 
jtwp5 said:
Then I think, well I seem miserable now, so what’s the point? Might as well give in,
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The devil uses this line of thinking to great success with a great many of us. He wants us to see our faith as the cause of our unhappiness rather than our sin.

And of course, this often leads us to praying less and less and going to Confession less and less. This of course makes things worse as we are cutting ourselves off from the very means to get through the rough patches of life.

What we need to do in these times is to make sure we are spending time in prayer. Schedule it in your appointment book. Add reminders to your phone. Do whatever you have to do to make sure that uninterrupted time with God is part of your daily routine. And go to Confession at least once a month (or more often as necessary).

This doesn’t mean that everything in life will magically transform into sunshine and roses. Sometimes life is just hard. But it is easier when we recognize that God is at our side, that he loves us immeasurably and unconditionally, and that he forgives us when we stumble (and we all stumble).

I will pray for you. Please pray for me.
 
If shame says I am bad and a terrible person, how is that supposed to make me want to better myself? Just makes me feel that I’m terrible and condemned so what’s the point?
 
That is your interpretation. Shame becomes about the person when you forget that it is possible that you can do better.

One of my experiences with shame was facing my fear of elevators after being humiliated while volunteering at a hospital. I had to decline to do a job because it would mean using the elevator by myself and my supervisor was really pissed. The shame after that got to the point where it was greater than my fear of using the elevator, so I sucked it up at used it from then on out despite being scared out of my mind.

My supervisor never stopped hating me after the initial episode, but I still felt a better person after that summer because I managed to face my fears. And I have only shame to thank for that.
 
jtwp5 said:
If shame says I am bad and a terrible person,
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I think the point is that shame is not supposed to signify that we are terrible people but only that we have done something wrong that we should strive not to do in the future.

I know that’s a lot easier said than done. It is very easy to internalize the shame and interpret it as some sort of commentary on our dignity as a person. I think embracing the forgiveness of God is the best antidote.

Think of the parable of the prodigal son. He basically told his father, “You are dead to me, give me half your money.” And the father did! And then the son hits the road and goes as far away from his father as he can, and he wastes the entire fortune on sinful pleasures. The only reason he goes back home is because he knows he can at least get some food if his father agrees to hire him on as a servant.

Yet, the father runs out to meet him when he is still far off. He has been looking for him and waiting for him to return. He embraces him, restores him to sonship, and throws a banquet in his honor. This is what God wants to do for each of us every time we sin. We have but to turn back to him.

So that feeling of shame should prod us to set back on our journey back to the father’s house. Too often, we let the feeling keep us with our face down in the mud thinking that we are worthless. That is never true. God died for you. He loves you.

Again, this is often easier said than done. It can take time to really recognize that we are not worthless simply because we sin. And it’s harder for some of us than for others. I really believe spending time with God in prayer and frequenting Confession is the best way to re-train our brains in this regard.
 
Relationship. Love.

Love is rightly ordered to its Source: the Lord God of Israel. Well does He know you. Infinitely does He love you. He knows that we are dust, yet He loves us. He sent His Son to die. That Son commanded us:
“Deny yourself, take up your cross daily, then follow Me”
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I, for one, would focus like a laser on returning love for love. Love desires the good of the other. Love does not count the cost. Denial of the self should not incite a sense of guilt. It should rightly order your thoughts toward God’s grace. Taking up of your cross - well that needs little explanation, as each have been assigned that “key” to heaven. Then, after doing the foregoing, we are to follow Christ.

And He leads us to love.
 
Reflect on the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Let it speak to you.

God’s Divine Mercy will always forgive you. If you don’t understand His Divine Mercy, look up and do some devotionals to it. We all need to return to the state of Grace before Adam and Eve’s fall where we are naked and unashamed to each other and God.

Though do keep the clothes on because I meant your spiritual nakedness. hehe
 
The devil wants you to feel bad about yourself. I am also struggling with a porn addiction, I know it’s frustrating, but don’t give up and don’t give in to the devil. When I feel a temptation, I say"Get away from me evil one, I belong to God, I love him and he loves me." Shame is not saying you are a bad person but saying you need to be better in the future. The devil is the one who is saying you are a bad person. We are all sinners and unworthy of His love, but we receive it anyway. Pray to Our Lady, she will guide you and bring you comfort. Go to confession as often as possible. Good luck, you will be in my prayers!
 
It seems pretty common for people to see religion as a bunch of rules that one has to follow to avoid hell. Then it can easily feel like a burden. With Catholicism many people who are not well formed in the Faith also think that Catholic morals are outdated and burdensome.

I always learned that moral law was in place not to burden us or limit our freedom, but because through living a moral life we might be truly fee and happy. Hard to understand when you are tempted towards certain sins and especially when those sins are accepted and even glorified in secular society

I think it must truly be hard to have same sex attraction and especially when you are trying hard to live according to Church teaching. Although sex outside of marriage is considered sinful it is definitely not the gravest or worst sin out there. I have heard that sins against purity are the least grave out of all mortal sins. List is also considered the least if all the capital sins. Sins against purity are also some of the most common sins and even good Catholics fall into them sometimes.

I think focusing on the “sin” is not the best approach. Temptations are inevitable and you can avoid some of them but not all. God doesnt want you to feel trapped and burdened by his “rules”. He wants you to be happy. If you feel this way I think you should try to practice your faith, spend time with people who share your faith and are around your age, and maybe seek advice from a priest or counselor. I know Courage also has a ministry that may be helpful if you can find a group in your area
 
The thing that truly revolutionizes your view of religion is love. When following Catholicism becomes not just an attempt to obey rules but an effort to please God, the world will be changed. I can remember to the hour the moment I first was granted a noticeable, substantial increase in the virtue of love, and it was one of the best moments of my life. It was also directly related to my Marian consecration. I would strongly recommend looking into Marian consecration. Probably the best one for beginners that I have seen is 33 Days to Morning Glory, by Fr. Michael Gaitley.
 
Shame is toxic like poison. It corrodes the soul and could drive you to suicide. I know. … I suffer from toxic shame and if it weren’t for a caring psychotherapist and a really good psychiatrist and meds, I wouldn’t be alive today. Get help asap and heal. You can do it if you’re willing to put in the effort.
 
Well I moved areas so I am no longer able to see my former counselor, made an appointment to see another one Saturday. Not sure if I’ll be able to keep it up though, it’s expensive. I started anti-depressants 2-3 weeks ago.
 
See, I have gotten the idea that lust is one of the worst things I can do and I always seem to feel the most shame with it. I went to a couple courage meetings but they were really small and didn’t help me that much. Would rather spend time with my regular straight male friends but now most of them are gone since I’m no longer in college. I have 2-3 Catholic friends somewhat close to me I’m trying to keep in contact with. Not sure how well that will be once I start working.
 
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awesomecatholic said:
The devil wants you to feel bad about yourself. I am also struggling with a porn addiction, I know it’s frustrating, but don’t give up and don’t give in to the devil. When I feel a temptation, I say"Get away from me evil one, I belong to God, I love him and he loves me." Shame is not saying you are a bad person but saying you need to be better in the future. The devil is the one who is saying you are a bad person. We are all sinners and unworthy of His love, but we receive it anyway. Pray to Our Lady, she will guide you and bring you comfort. Go to confession as often as possible. Good luck, you will be in my prayers!
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Do you use that app that gives a trusted person a warning when you watch porn? I forgot what it’s called, but Catholic Answers always recommends it.
 
Well I think sins against purity are shameful for a lot of people because they deal with something very private.

you have finished college so maybe you can try to meet young adults in your area? There are young adult groups for Catholics

I don’t think the shame you feel is good for you. A little shame and guilt can help lead you to repentance, but lots of will just bring you down. You are not a bad person for struggling with impurity. Especially if it is a habit it will take time and effort to stop. You just have to keep trying.

I think try to cultivate a strong prayer life and try to spend some quiet time before Jesus and do some reading. Also I really think maybe talking to a priest would be good, even if you just bring up a little in confession. He probably understands a little what you are going through and may be able to offer good advice
 
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redbetta said:
Contrary to what modern thought says, shame is a good thing to feel. You should feel shame for doing something wrong. The problem is letting that shame keep you down instead of pushing you to do better as it is supposed to do.
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Nah, shame’s unproductive.
If you’ve done something wrong, just don’t do it again. No point in sitting around beating up on yourself for what you did in the past.
I don’t repeat my past sins now because a) God doesn’t want that, b) in some cases I can clearly see the sin is not good for me, another person, or society (in cases where it’s not so clear I have to rely on (a)). I don’t sit around being ashamed because I made mistakes in the past, and shame never made me stop doing anything.
 
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stuartbrianhenlis said:
Shame is toxic like poison. It corrodes the soul and could drive you to suicide. I know. … I suffer from toxic shame and if it weren’t for a caring psychotherapist and a really good psychiatrist and meds, I wouldn’t be alive today. Get help asap and heal. You can do it if you’re willing to put in the effort.
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Exactly…it just leads to self-harm, and of feeling like you’re nothing anyway and disgusting to God so who cares what you do and you might as well commit sin and have a good time, etc .
Really useless emotional response.
 
jtwp5 said:
I feel like if I were to go and pursue a same sex relationship I would be met with hatred and ridicule, do I really want to be part of a religion that would hate me if I did that?
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Cathecism says must treat people with SSA with respect so those people are rejecting Catholic teaching and aren’t speaking for Catholicism
jtwp5 said:
There’s all these NOs I can’t do and it seems like whatever I do I’m going to screw it up and I just live in fear. Then I think, well I seem miserable now, so what’s the point?
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I like how Bishop Barron addressed this. Yes, the Church has a high bar on behavior especially sexual behavior but balances that with a high degree of mercy. If someone who just killed a dozen people comes to confession and sincerely repents, he is absolved.
 
Part 1:

I walked away from my faith over thirty years ago for same reason…rules and religion. Not only could I not live up to the expectations when I tried, deep inside I DID NOT want to. I rebelled, not like I disliked my Catholic faith, but drinking, swearing, sex, pornography, if it felt good I preferred it over religion and those darn rules! What fun I had, and the more fun I had it became a part of me and the shame eventually disappeared. When the shame disappears, the road became darker! It was fun being in the dark.

It becomes darker because we walk further away from the light of Christ. The thing is, Christ loves us so much He let’s us walk away, He gives us free will. And the other thing is, Satan knows this, so he is gonna be whispering in your ear “follow me.” Then when you do and it becomes a habit he has you right where he wants! He tells you your worthless, your not good enough or deserving of God’s love, just give up. He knows what makes you "feel good* and will use those things to trap you, make you feel like you can’t live without them. This is the reality of spiritual warfare, the Spirit vs the flesh!

When I was younger I did not see it this way, it was more of a battle of wills, my wants and desires vs the Churches darn boring and stringent rules, and rules and authority were like restraints. And those rules sure will make a person feel like crap when we have better ideas than to follow them. Yes, the hall of shame, it sucks.

I don’t want this to be too long so I will follow up with part two, the eye opener and attitude adjustment, a real live closeup of spiritual warfare!
 
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