How to encourage a stay at home mom?

[jmjMom9]

I believe SAHMing is the best for kids, but you can’t force her. Her heart isn’t in it. Being a SAHM for many women is a real cross. Actually, I have never felt really comfortable in the role even though I’ve stuck it out. God made it very clear to me that that is where He wanted me.

I think you should strongly consider staying home as a dad. I know several SAHD and they are really great at it. They definitely do it differently than the moms. You may want to invest in a part time housekeeper. One danger I see in SAHDs is that they tend to spend too much time on the internet. The SAHDs I know are all homeschool dads, so that’s more of a work at home (without pay) versus a traditional SAHD.

Or, maybe you could just cut back to parttime or work at home with a part time babysitter.

My own mom worked way too much and I definitely think it hurt my family… So, if you can afford it, one parent should make the home a focus. My dad was around, but also very career focused. Our grandma lived with us, but it wasn’t the same…

 

[EasterJoy]

I would also be cautious about telling your wife to try things like volunteering, or taking online courses or whatnot. None of these things remotely compare to the career she had and if my husband suggested I fill that void with one of those other activities I would be somewhat hurt.

I’m a PhD in that situation, and it has helped. Since she is pregnant and not planning to go right back to work, it would be considerate of him to help her find ways to get intellectual stimulation and time with people who use full and sometimes even complex sentences and polysyllabic words (other than banana and the species names of various dinosaurs) until the day she does go back to work, starting right now. Believe me, it makes a difference.

I’d suggest he find a way for her to go to peds oncology M&M at the local hospital and also good conferences for her continuing medical education…something that she can really get her teeth into. The audiobooks and college courses, those are great, but she’s going to want to get ramped up for her job again.

My children had a wonderful teacher for whom staying at home did not work out. She doesn’t wish she hadn’t gone back to work. It was the best thing for her, because it wasn’t working out for her to be a SAHM. I think she has fewer regrets because she tried it. The OP’s wife may find the same thing: that is, she won’t feel the regret about spending some of her time as an oncologist because she actually tried being at home with her own children full-time. Besides, this is going to be an on-going question. She may find, as some of my peers in chemistry have, that she’ll again want to re-visit her work-family balance when her children are tweens and teens. It is a question working parents ought to re-visit often, so the balance that best fits everyone’s needs and aptitudes can be found. Not everybody has the aptitude to spend 100% of their time in domestic work and child care!

Now, if the two of you both had very time-consuming careers and neither of you could spend a sufficient amount of time with your children, that would be something else again. Something would have to give, so the children wouldn’t come out on the short end. In our family, though, we look at my husband’s medical career as what we do as a couple, as what we do as a family. He works with the sick, we support him, so that is what WE do. Be sure that you give your children the sense that by your family’s support of your wife, your whole family is working to help children with cancer, just as a military family can take pride in serving their country as a family. It isn’t just the family member doing the actual service who does it, but everyone who makes it possible for them to do it.

 

[becca77345]

I’m also in the medical profession but after the birth of our fourth child I took a year off and went back to work one day a week. My husband takes a half day on the day I work so that he can pick up the kids and gets to do some dad stuff which they love. I don’t think there is a right or wrong, just finding what works best for you as a family. Perhaps your wife could work part time? She may also feel differently when the baby arrives. I feel personally that being a mum is by far the best job in the world though and trumps any career no matter what. I feel this more and more as our family has grown Will pray for you both as I have been in her shoes,

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m also in the medical profession but after the birth of our fourth child I took a year off and went back to work one day a week. My husband takes a half day on the day I work so that he can pick up the kids and gets to do some dad stuff which they love. I don’t think there is a right or wrong, just finding what works best for you as a family. Perhaps your wife could work part time? She may also feel differently when the baby arrives. I feel personally that being a mum is by far the best job in the world though and trumps any career no matter what. I feel this more and more as our family has grown Will pray for you both as I have been in her shoes,

It is not uncommon for physicians (male and female) to scale back their hours when their children are small, but to keep working at least a bit. It just depends on the specialty and the local job situation.

 

[EasterJoy]

…One danger I see in SAHDs is that they tend to spend too much time on the internet…

Which is never a problem with us SAHMs…

(I’m sure I never neglected my housework to put in those thirteen thousand posts!)

 

[becca77345]

Yes and it’s prob a bit different in the UK. We seem to get more paid maternity leave than in US but not as much as some other European countries I believe

 

[becca77345]

Sorry Easterjoy I was replying to your earlier post but you beat me to it!

 

[Lilla321]

As a SAHM to an infant myself, I have certainly had moments when I have craved the adult interactions, mental stimulation, and sense of accomplishment that came along with my previous profession. However…after having suffered two lost pregnancies previous to my daughter, my number one priority and wish for my life was to be a SAHM and to experience and appreciate every moment of my baby’s life. That said, I recognize and respect that every woman’s experience of motherhood is different and beautiful in its own way. For some mothers, they find that their work outside of the home fulfills them in a way that allows them to be a happier mother and they may feel that their work provides a good example for their children.

Personally, I have taken to making being a SAHM my new profession. I constantly research about child health and development, take my baby to classes, and have already begun making arrangements to homeschool. As of this moment, I am completely fulfilled. Again, however, every woman is different.

I believe that no matter what, you must support your wife in her decision. If she has no support, she will continue to feel lost or unfulfilled. Perhaps a part-time schedule for her to work at her profession would work for your family. Can you find a good daycare in your area that you both can agree will provide excellent care for your children? Perhaps she can volunteer at the hospital for a while to see how she feels about not staying at home all the time and how a new schedule would work for her and for your children.

I sincerely hope you find a balance for your family that allows you to all feel fulfilled and happy, and that brings you closer to each other and to God. Will keep you in my prayers!

 

[David011]

Thank you all! One thing I would like to make clear is that I am certainly NOT looking into forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I would love for her to continue to be a stay at home mom, at least until the kids would start school, but if it’s not what she wants to do, then I will support her choice to go back to work.

When our first child was born, I had just finished law school and when I finally found a law firm, my hours where absolutely horrible. We both agreed we did not want our daughter to have a nanny or be in day care since my wife had a bad experience with it when she was a child and she didn’t want our daughter getting attached to anyone else. She also wanted my career to get started because we both have some pretty large school debts. So it was a mutual decision but not something she was completely looking forward to. I recently got an offer from a new law firm that I will be taking with better benefits and since it’s recent, my position isn’t yet completely secure, which is why we both decided that being a stay at home dad wouldn’t be the best option at the moment. Since we’re still relatively new parents, just in case she wants to give staying at home another try I want that option to be available to her, and of course once my job is more secure, I wouldn’t mind giving it a try myself.

Right now our best option just sounds like looking for a good day care but I’m still going to put effort into encouraging her and helping her be more comfortable at home while she’s still here, who knows maybe she might think differently once the new baby is born?

 

[Allegra]

It sounds like your wife had a really fullfilling career where she helped save children’s lives and help relieve suffering. I’m a teacher and I really think I would be heartbroken to have to give up my job because I really feel like I’m gong alot of good. On the other hand, I’m perfectly happy to take my full twelve-weeks of maternity leave for my new baby and my 9 weeks of vacation every summer. This gives me an opportunity to have the best of both worlds, so it’s not exactly the same as a career that requires year-round, full-timeness. At any rate, I doubt your wife will adequetly replace a career where she did so much good by joining a book club or spending more time on pintrest. It’s just not the same.

 

[EasterJoy]

It sounds like your wife had a really fullfilling career where she helped save children’s lives and help relieve suffering. I’m a teacher and I really think I would be heartbroken to have to give up my job because I really feel like I’m gong alot of good. On the other hand, I’m perfectly happy to take my full twelve-weeks of maternity leave for my new baby and my 9 weeks of vacation every summer. This gives me an opportunity to have the best of both worlds, so it’s not exactly the same as a career that requires year-round, full-timeness. At any rate, I doubt your wife will adequetly replace a career where she did so much good by joining a book club or spending more time on pintrest. It’s just not the same.

You don’t replace the career with the other stuff, with the volunteering and learning on the side. The other stuff replaces the mental stimulation you got from your career, mental stimulation that makes it possible to do work that offers a great many rewards to you and your family but not a great deal of higher-level thinking and adult interaction for you. You replace your career with what you and your husband decide you and your family will profit from having you do in ways that don’t have to do with the mental stimulation you get from it.

A lot of people wish they could stay home with their children or a relative who needs a caretaker, but they can’t. They have to work for a salary or otherwise have conflicting duties that prevent it. A lot of people can do it in the practical sense of not being forced to use their time in a different way, but find they are well-suited to only a limited number of hours of caretaking in a certain period of time. For them, the career is sort of “respite work” or else they discern that it, too, has a place in God’s vocational plan for them. Both are legitimate; there isn’t just one way to decide how to address the truth that you can’t be two places at once or even in one place doing two things at once. But no, the other stuff is self-care, not replacement in terms of accomplishment. The personal caretaking of a child or family member is the “accomplishment.” That is what makes it worth it.

 

[lax16]

Thank you all! One thing I would like to make clear is that I am certainly NOT looking into forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I would love for her to continue to be a stay at home mom, at least until the kids would start school, but if it’s not what she wants to do, then I will support her choice to go back to work.

When our first child was born, I had just finished law school and when I finally found a law firm, my hours where absolutely horrible. We both agreed we did not want our daughter to have a nanny or be in day care since my wife had a bad experience with it when she was a child and she didn’t want our daughter getting attached to anyone else. She also wanted my career to get started because we both have some pretty large school debts. So it was a mutual decision but not something she was completely looking forward to. I recently got an offer from a new law firm that I will be taking with better benefits and since it’s recent, my position isn’t yet completely secure, which is why we both decided that being a stay at home dad wouldn’t be the best option at the moment. Since we’re still relatively new parents, just in case she wants to give staying at home another try I want that option to be available to her, and of course once my job is more secure, I wouldn’t mind giving it a try myself.

Right now our best option just sounds like looking for a good day care but I’m still going to put effort into encouraging her and helping her be more comfortable at home while she’s still here, who knows maybe she might think differently once the new baby is born?

Since you are asking for advice, I will put in my two cents…

I have four children ages 19, 17, 15, and 8. I worked hard to obtain my Master’s Degree while having my first three children. I decided not to put my children in daycare because I knew they needed their mommy during the day!

I did not want strangers potty training my children or wiping their little noses. I would not have missed out on those day-to-day “chores” for anything! To realize the role of a mother is a great gift because we can bring our education and knowledge to our own children! We can read them beautiful literature, teach them to ride tricycles, and most of all, teach them to love their family members and fellow man.

Once children are in school, I think it is okay for mom to work part time, if she wants to and can handle the stress. As the children get older, mom does get a little more time to do things outside of the home.

Children absolutely love having their mommy home with them during the day or coming home to them after school - I know it is hard on some mothers but it is a sacrifice worth considering. God knows and loves us for our sacrifices.

I have a good friend who gave up her medical career to care for their three daughters. She has started a German school that she runs on Saturdays and has revamped the art program at their public school and helps run that during the week. They take wonderful vacations and she is teaching her daughters the domestic life as well. She is a wonderful baker and seamstress, among other things. As her children get older, perhaps she will work in the medical field, we will have to see.

Anyway, the bottom line is “Motherhood is a vocation.”

 

[PhiloMed]

I’m afraid this may turn into a SAHM vs working-mom debate, but I would like to remind the OP as well as others that some people are much better moms to their children when they can pursue their “outside” career.

Those who said they never met anyone who regretted staying home with their children- well I have met those people, in spades. They are resentful and don’t enjoy the time they do spend with their children. They feel their lives are unfulfilled. For those who enjoy it and thrive in that environment then that’s great, but it’s isn’t for everybody.

To the OP- I’m glad you and your wife seem to have some to an agreement about her ultimately making the decision. She might feel differently once the baby is born. I think another poster’s suggestion to start attending local CME lectures is a good one since it would help her feel connected to her profession again.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’m afraid this may turn into a SAHM vs working-mom debate, but I would like to remind the OP as well as others that some people are much better moms to their children when they can pursue their “outside” career.

Those who said they never met anyone who regretted staying home with their children- well I have met those people, in spades. They are resentful and don’t enjoy the time they do spend with their children. They feel their lives are unfulfilled. For those who enjoy it and thrive in that environment then that’s great, but it’s isn’t for everybody.

I know moms who would have a nervous breakdown if they were SAHMs. There are wonderful moms on both sides of this debate. There is no right answer to this, just preference. Some people don’t realize that.

 

[jmjMom9]

I know moms who would have a nervous breakdown if they were SAHMs. There are wonderful moms on both sides of this debate. There is no right answer to this, just preference. Some people don’t realize that.

I disagree. The most important thing is God’s Will. To know God’s Will takes much discerning with reason and prayer. Preference is certainly a part of that!

Perhaps something that would help both of you to discern is a spiritual formation program to do together.

Many of my favorite saints/blessedest worked out of the home, two I love in particular are St Gianna Molla and Bl. Zelie Martin

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m afraid this may turn into a SAHM vs working-mom debate, but I would like to remind the OP as well as others that some people are much better moms to their children when they can pursue their “outside” career.

Those who said they never met anyone who regretted staying home with their children- well I have met those people, in spades. They are resentful and don’t enjoy the time they do spend with their children. They feel their lives are unfulfilled. For those who enjoy it and thrive in that environment then that’s great, but it’s isn’t for everybody.

To the OP- I’m glad you and your wife seem to have some to an agreement about her ultimately making the decision. She might feel differently once the baby is born. I think another poster’s suggestion to start attending local CME lectures is a good one since it would help her feel connected to her profession again.

Yes, there are people who resent staying home with their kids and also people who feel they weren’t the wonderful influence on their children that they imagined when they made the sacrifice. Others who work for a salary some of the time report that they’re much better stay-at-home parents when they aren’t at home all of the time. It differs from parent to parent and from family to family.

I’d agree that the main thing is for the parents to have on-going communication about it, avoiding pushing either one into a situation that they don’t feel is tenable.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I disagree. The most important thing is God’s Will. To know God’s Will takes much discerning with reason and prayer. Preference is certainly a part of that!

Perhaps something that would help both of you to discern is a spiritual formation program to do together.

Many of my favorite saints/blessedest worked out of the home, two I love in particular are St Gianna Molla and Bl. Zelie Martin

God’s will for one women certainly isn’t the same for all women. You may discern that staying at home is what you are supposed to do, while I may discern that being a working mom is what I am called to do.

I don’t think that SAHMs should think that they are better moms because of what they are called to do and I don’t think that working moms should think that SAHMs do nothing all day.

That is why I said that there isn’t a right answer to this debate.

 

[EasterJoy]

I disagree. The most important thing is God’s Will. To know God’s Will takes much discerning with reason and prayer. Preference is certainly a part of that!

Perhaps something that would help both of you to discern is a spiritual formation program to do together.

Many of my favorite saints/blessedest worked out of the home, two I love in particular are St Gianna Molla and Bl. Zelie Martin

Well, yes, in retrospect most people who have ever made this decision will agree that this isn’t “just preference”, not like deciding what to make for dinner or whether or not to have some particular shrub in your yard or even whether to rent your home or buy it. When you decide how to balance paid work, caring for your children, and caring for your own needs and your capability to contribute to those outside your family, there are real consequences to the many choices that go into that.

Still, it is a mistake to be pressured by presumptions that may fit other people but don’t fit you, just as it is a mistake to think your girl must enjoy the things that “all girls” enjoy or that your son will profit from the things that are “good for all boys.” You have to honestly take your situation into consideration and seek what is right for your family.

 

[jmjMom9]

God’s will for one women certainly isn’t the same for all women. You may discern that staying at home is what you are supposed to do, while I may discern that being a working mom is what I am called to do.

I don’t think that SAHMs should think that they are better moms because of what they are called to do and I don’t think that working moms should think that SAHMs do nothing all day.

That is why I said that there isn’t a right answer to this debate.

Righto, we are just agreeing.

My point of disagreement was that the answer was based on just preference. I actually would prefer to work, but my discernment has led me to be a SAHM.

I thought perhaps by pointing out that some very saintly women were working moms, I’d be able to show that I knew SAHM wasn’t innately spiritually superior.

I find posts in forums on contentious issues to be frustrating. It’s so easy to be misinterpreted.

 

[lax16]

I’m afraid this may turn into a SAHM vs working-mom debate, but I would like to remind the OP as well as others that some people are much better moms to their children when they can pursue their “outside” career.

Those who said they never met anyone who regretted staying home with their children- well I have met those people, in spades. They are resentful and don’t enjoy the time they do spend with their children. They feel their lives are unfulfilled. For those who enjoy it and thrive in that environment then that’s great, but it’s isn’t for everybody.

To the OP- I’m glad you and your wife seem to have some to an agreement about her ultimately making the decision. She might feel differently once the baby is born. I think another poster’s suggestion to start attending local CME lectures is a good one since it would help her feel connected to her profession again.

Hi PhiloMed -

Have you met many Catholic mothers who regret staying home with their children when they were little? I know that I absolutely have to remind myself on many days that it is a vocation. (Catholic moms usually understand the concept of a vocation better than non-Catholics, that is why I am asking).

I am not looking for a debate, but I do have a question… How does a working mother know that she wouldn’t be a fulfilled SAHM? The ones I know that say this never stayed home so I am wondering how they would know if they never tried it for more than six weeks after the baby is born. I say that because we all know that the first six weeks is very difficult and sleep deprived and not much fun!

Anyway, I do think if a mother could manage to stay home while her children are young it is a worthy sacrifice. I have taken a great deal of criticism for being a SAHM and I have never criticized the women I know who have chosen to work.

I have recently started working 2.5 days a week and have had two working moms tell me that at least “now I have something to do” and “I have something to get me out of the house.”

So you are right, there is no reason to turn this thread into a debate. It is good however, to hear both points of view.