How to encourage a stay at home mom?

[David011]

Those who said they never met anyone who regretted staying home with their children- well I have met those people, in spades. They are resentful and don’t enjoy the time they do spend with their children. They feel their lives are unfulfilled. For those who enjoy it and thrive in that environment then that’s great, but it’s isn’t for everybody.

To the OP- I’m glad you and your wife seem to have some to an agreement about her ultimately making the decision. She might feel differently once the baby is born. I think another poster’s suggestion to start attending local CME lectures is a good one since it would help her feel connected to her profession again.

Thank you very much for your advice, I found my wife is very much like what you described above. She gave staying at home a decent try but it’s just not who she is, Nor do I want to make her unhappy by trying to make her into something she’s not. And just because she goes back to work doesn’t mean she’s going to stop being a mother, while she’s not in our home nurturing our child, she’s in a hospital doing the same to another child that is in need . I really don’t see how anyone can come to regret that kind of work.

Ultimately her happiness is my one of my top priorities and I couldn’t ask for a better mother to my kids, it’s just an added blessing that other children can experience that and she can make such an impact on their lives as well as our own.

 

[Gwendolen]

Thank you very much for your advice, I found my wife is very much like what you described above. She gave staying at home a decent try but it’s just not who she is, Nor do I want to make her unhappy by trying to make her into something she’s not. And just because she goes back to work doesn’t mean she’s going to stop being a mother, while she’s not in our home nurturing our child, she’s in a hospital doing the same to another child that is in need . I really don’t see how anyone can come to regret that kind of work.

Ultimately her happiness is my one of my top priorities and I couldn’t ask for a better mother to my kids, it’s just an added blessing that other children can experience that and she can make such an impact on their lives as well as our own.

I too was called to the medical profession – it is not something that you can put on hold for several years while kids are little, you have to keep up, and keep your license current.

Part time is a WONDERFUL compromise. I still was able to spend large amounts of time with my children. I was able to support my spouse when his job situation was tenuous without him feeling the entire burden. For many years, the children were cared for by a sweet woman they think of as a grandmother, and is still heavily involved in our lives, we love her dearly.

My children understand what I do, and do not resent it, nor the Easter Egg hunts in the nurses’ lounge during a 15 minute break on Easter morning. People have stopped us in the community, former patients and family, and told me kids “your mama meant the world to me when I was very sick, and I really appreciate you sharing her with me”.

Much of our lives revolve around volunteer work. My teenage daughter is considering a career in the medical profession. It can work, and I have no regrets.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Hello everyone! I’m new here, this is my first (and probably will be my only) post. I’ve noticed there are quite a few stay at home moms so I was hoping to see if I could get some advice.

My wife has been a stay at home mom since our first child was born two years ago. She was reluctant at first but she agreed to give it a try for a few years and I had my hopes up that it would end up being a permanent arrangement in the long run. Things were going great and she seemed very happy…or so I thought. When our eldest turned two we had a talk and she basically told me she hates being a stay at home mom and wants to go back to work. She gave it a try and she says she feels like her life isn’t going anywhere and her years of college and med school were wasted.

We found out we’re expecting again so I guess I bought myself some time to hopefully persuade her to stay at home since she stated she’s going back to work a few months after the second baby is born. She’s a wonderful caring mother to our little girl (and unborn baby) and I can’t stand the thought of them not having their mother at an age when they need her most. If I could provide the same comfort and security a mother could, I would be more than willing to stay at home but that’s something I believe only she can give them. I love my wife and want her to be happy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I think you first need to find out why she wants to go back to work. I suspect what you have posted doesn’t even scratch the surface.

It’s important to understand that women who are not out in the workforce advancing the cause of “women’s rights” are looked down upon by some, even by more conservative, Church-going people.

It’s the cool thing today to be a woman but involved in all this stuff and working. Anything but raising kids.

It would help a lot to reassure that what she does matters and probably matters more than anything else.

I once saw a nun talking about how the devil tempts good Catholics. It’s not always to have affairs or surf porn all night but being involved in every committee at Church or feeling like you have to work a lot and not raising your kids properly.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I think you first need to find out why she wants to go back to work. I suspect what you have posted doesn’t even scratch the surface.

It’s important to understand that women who are not out in the workforce advancing the cause of “women’s rights” are looked down upon by some, even by more conservative, Church-going people.

It’s the cool thing today to be a woman but involved in all this stuff and working. Anything but raising kids.

It would help a lot to reassure that what she does matters and probably matters more than anything else.

I once saw a nun talking about how the devil tempts good Catholics. It’s not always to have affairs or surf porn all night but being involved in every committee at Church or feeling like you have to work a lot and not raising your kids properly.

Have you read the OP’s follow-up posts? I highly doubt that in his wife’s case it’s a question of being “cool.” She has genuinely tried to be a SAHM and finds herself unhappy while doing it.

Being a SAHM is hard. It’s doubly hard when you’re a highly intellectual person–and I’d assume that a pediatric oncologist is exactly that!–because it becomes very difficult to find any sort of intellectual stimulation. It’s wonderful to see your kids grow up, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t get, quite frankly, bored by the day-to-day lack of conversation and interaction with your peers. As other posters have pointed out, of course, one option might be to work part-time, as this would allow her to spend more time with the kids while still working in her field with all that that encompasses.

It really does depend on each family’s situation.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I think you first need to find out why she wants to go back to work. I suspect what you have posted doesn’t even scratch the surface.

It’s important to understand that women who are not out in the workforce advancing the cause of “women’s rights” are looked down upon by some, even by more conservative, Church-going people.

It’s the cool thing today to be a woman but involved in all this stuff and working. Anything but raising kids.

It would help a lot to reassure that what she does matters and probably matters more than anything else.

I once saw a nun talking about how the devil tempts good Catholics. It’s not always to have affairs or surf porn all night but being involved in every committee at Church or feeling like you have to work a lot and not raising your kids properly.

So you think women who work outside of the home aren’t raising their kids properly?

 

[Evania]

So you think women who work outside of the home aren’t raising their kids properly?

I could be wrong, but that’s not how I interpreted this poster’s comment.

Women do feel a certain pressure from society to have it all. There are many families in which a parent can easily afford to stay home; however, due to some reason or another chooses to work. That’s not bad, in and of itself. However, if a child is in daycare literally all day until closing time, that might not neccessarily be a good thing either. Sure, there are mom’s who cannot afford to stay home, and this comment is not aimed at them.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Thank you very much for your advice, I found my wife is very much like what you described above. She gave staying at home a decent try but it’s just not who she is, Nor do I want to make her unhappy by trying to make her into something she’s not. And just because she goes back to work doesn’t mean she’s going to stop being a mother, while she’s not in our home nurturing our child, she’s in a hospital doing the same to another child that is in need . I really don’t see how anyone can come to regret that kind of work.

Ultimately her happiness is my one of my top priorities and I couldn’t ask for a better mother to my kids, it’s just an added blessing that other children can experience that and she can make such an impact on their lives as well as our own.

That’s great that you are happy to support her.

I’m like your wife: I’ve been home 3 years and am really looking forward to working. I hope to do it part time or have flexible hours, so I can still spend a lot of time with the kids. Being a SAHM is not for everybody. Finding a solution that works for the family is the most important thing.

 

[EasterJoy]

I could be wrong, but that’s not how I interpreted this poster’s comment.

Women do feel a certain pressure from society to have it all. There are many families in which a parent can easily afford to stay home; however, due to some reason or another chooses to work. That’s not bad, in and of itself. However, if a child is in daycare literally all day until closing time, that might not neccessarily be a good thing either. Sure, there are mom’s who cannot afford to stay home, and this comment is not aimed at them.

The most important thing to look for, IMHO, is to find a good caretaker who isn’t going anywhere. One possibility for a hospital worker and even at some large law firms is an in-house care center, where Mom or Dad can drop in occasionally, and the kids feel more as if they are “at work with Mom” or “at work with Dad”. The OP and his wife also have the advantage (because they have jobs that are more lucrative than the norm) that they might be able to afford to use a SAHM who needs some extra cash in order to continue staying at home. It is also common in medicine for the parents of young children to work part-time. It allows the parent to keep up his or her skills while also giving more personal time to the children than a full-time position permits.

What they do not want to try is for Mom or Dad to expect to get much charting or legal work done while taking care of two small children, let alone making phone calls undisturbed. Some days, yes, but on most days that will be difficult. If he’s working at home, he needs to have a certain number of hours a day when he can work undisturbed. He cannot count on simultaneous naps on the days he needs them. It might be, however, that they can have a caregiver take care of the children in their home, with Dad working at home some of the time and perhaps even Mom working at home some of the time, and the caretaker doing light housework if the children are both napping at the same time. The added salary of an oncologist could possibly let them do that; I do know two-physician families that found a live-in nanny was their best option (but they were both in specialties that could possibly call them both away from home in the middle of the same night).