How To Ensure That Your Child LEAVES THE FAITH!

[Et_Cetera]

1. Force it upon them until they see religion as some to rebel against.

(This didn’t happen with me, even though I no longer identify as Catholic, but I’ve seen it happen time and again.)

 

[sttcatherinefan]

Hey I have issues with the Catholic faith because of the priests and teachers and others in Catholic school were hypocrites who only cared for the children whose families had money. But I guess that if my mom forced me into girlie dresses for mass, I’d totally be a submissive Catholic mommy of six right now.

Children understand hypocrisy and respond to it accordingly. They also rebel against people who are religious fundamentalists.

 

[TheWiseMan]

1. Send them to a Catholic school.

I wholeheartedly agree.

 

[pianistclare]

1. Make sure that your standards for being “Catholic enough” are high enough that your children have no Catholic role models outside of your nuclear family. Build the walls high around your nuclear family and fill the moat with alligators.

Yup.

This is a very odd thread.
Angry threads are seldom enlightening.
:stretcher:

I will add though, this is exactly why the job of Catechists is so difficult.
Everyone wants you to “FIX” their kids…after the train has left the station.
The only way to spread and keep the faith is to be kind, joyful, humble.
Finger pointing seldom works, IMHO

 

[Xantippe]

Yup.

This is a very odd thread.
Angry threads are seldom enlightening.
:stretcher:

I will add though, this is exactly why the job of Catechists is so difficult.
Everyone wants you to “FIX” their kids…after the train has left the station.
The only way to spread and keep the faith is to be kind, joyful, humble.
Finger pointing seldom works, IMHO

Yeah.

People that do the stuff in the original 10 how-tos are very, very unlikely to be reading this thread.

If that’s how they roll, it’s most likely that they have a predominantly familial or cultural attachment to Catholicism, so that they view a defection from Catholicism as more a personal betrayal, or a betrayal of the family or the ethnic group, rather than primarily as a spiritually dangerous move.

Somebody coming from that point of view is in need of a heck of a lot of catechizing themselves, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do a fabulous job catechizing their children.

 

[KCT]

It’s all about finding the correct balance. Growing up, I was home schooled and several of my mom’s friends home schooled as well. We had various group activities and stuff so we engaged with a lot of the different kids. Some families, despite being Catholic raised their kids pretty much like was listed in the OP. Those kids left the faith. Other families were very strict with the faith. They wouldn’t even let their kids watch TV. Those kids all left the faith as soon as they moved out.

Free will remains no matter how someone is raised.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Free will remains no matter how someone is raised.

Sure, but parents need to exercise common sense in their restrictions. Only a lunatic would think that giving kids unrestricted access to cable is a good idea, but likewise, only a lunatic would think that watching Donald Duck was sinful.

My parents fell into the latter category. My sisters and I agree as one that we’re Catholic in spite of them, and not because of them.

Let me give you a list of only some of the things that we were taught were wrong:

–Wearing leggings. Ditto wearing shoes that lit up, shoes or clothes with cartoon characters on them, or clothes that were especially brightly colored, most especially pink.

–Watching any cartoons, Disney movies or otherwise, that were made since the mid-1960s.

–Playing with Barbies or other fashion dolls.

–Superheroes/comics/similarly-themed cartoons

–Talking or joking with boys. Yes, even as nine-year-olds, we could be “behaving impurely” by sharing a joke with the son of a parent’s friend.

–Wanting pink bicycles, helmets, or other sport-related equipment

–Reading “American Girl” stories

As I said, this is a very abbreviated list.

When you grow up hearing that wearing, for example, cartoon-character sneakers is Wrong, and so is fornication, and don’t you DARE question me, young lady, once you reach about 18-20 you’re going to start saying to yourself, “You know, I really don’t think that five-year-old is a bad person and sinner for wearing Cinderella sneakers.” This can lead into “if so many things that I’ve been taught are wrong are, logically speaking, just not wrong, then what about things I’ve been taught about premarital sex?”

Now, I was blessed with a reasonably good intellect, and as a result and after several years and a thousand miles of distance, I could figure out that my parents were, quite frankly, completely barking mad about a lot of things and right about some others–i.e., those things that were actual Church teachings and not things they added on to them. (Well, most teachings, that is. One of the reasons I nearly left the church was that they taught me that you could go to Hell for honestly forgetting you committed a sin and therefore not confessing it. I, rather understandably, didn’t want any part of a God or religion that couldn’t take a human failing into account.) If you spend any time in former homeschooler recovery forums or online groups, you see the same thing over and over again: so much of what those kids were taught had nothing to do with actual Church teaching, but it permeated their lives and understanding of religion to the point that as soon as they could run away, they did, and they (sadly) usually left organized religion far, far behind them.

 

[Xantippe]

Sure, but parents need to exercise common sense in their restrictions. Only a lunatic would think that giving kids unrestricted access to cable is a good idea, but likewise, only a lunatic would think that watching Donald Duck was sinful.

My parents fell into the latter category. My sisters and I agree as one that we’re Catholic in spite of them, and not because of them.

Let me give you a list of only some of the things that we were taught were wrong:

–Wearing leggings. Ditto wearing shoes that lit up, shoes or clothes with cartoon characters on them, or clothes that were especially brightly colored, most especially pink.

–Watching any cartoons, Disney movies or otherwise, that were made since the mid-1960s.

–Playing with Barbies or other fashion dolls.

–Superheroes/comics/similarly-themed cartoons

–Talking or joking with boys. Yes, even as nine-year-olds, we could be “behaving impurely” by sharing a joke with the son of a parent’s friend.

–Wanting pink bicycles, helmets, or other sport-related equipment

–Reading “American Girl” stories

As I said, this is a very abbreviated list.

When you grow up hearing that wearing, for example, cartoon-character sneakers is Wrong, and so is fornication, and don’t you DARE question me, young lady, once you reach about 18-20 you’re going to start saying to yourself, “You know, I really don’t think that five-year-old is a bad person and sinner for wearing Cinderella sneakers.” This can lead into “if so many things that I’ve been taught are wrong are, logically speaking, just not wrong, then what about things I’ve been taught about premarital sex?”

Now, I was blessed with a reasonably good intellect, and as a result and after several years and a thousand miles of distance, I could figure out that my parents were, quite frankly, completely barking mad about a lot of things and right about some others–i.e., those things that were actual Church teachings and not things they added on to them. (Well, most teachings, that is. One of the reasons I nearly left the church was that they taught me that you could go to Hell for honestly forgetting you committed a sin and therefore not confessing it. I, rather understandably, didn’t want any part of a God or religion that couldn’t take a human failing into account.) If you spend any time in former homeschooler recovery forums or online groups, you see the same thing over and over again: so much of what those kids were taught had nothing to do with actual Church teaching, but it permeated their lives and understanding of religion to the point that as soon as they could run away, they did, and they (sadly) usually left organized religion far, far behind them.

I’m so glad that you got out safely!

 

[UbiCaritas]

I’m so glad that you got out safely!

As am I. Thank you.

My sisters and I often marvel at the fact that we’re all still practicing Catholics. Best I can figure is that our guardian angels were working overtime.

 

[HouseArrest]

Xantippe, I like your list better.

 

[Xantippe]

Xantippe, I like your list better.

Thanks!

 

[Allegra]

My parents were really lousy at raising me Catholic. My mom’s never even considered herself Catholic, even though she was Baptized and what she likes the best about Catholicism is getting to dress up for Mass and have a really fancy wedding. My dad considers himself Catholic but only goes to Mass every now and then and doesn’t practice much of what the Church teaches. In short, I didn’t get a “good Catholic upbringing”. Some of my siblings went to Catholic school and all of them are not only non-practicing but are completely anti Catholic because of it. Now that I’m a parent, I feel really inadequet as far as knowing what to do to encourage my children in their faith.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Now that I’m a parent, I feel really inadequet as far as knowing what to do to encourage my children in their faith.

Lead by example. Be the best Catholic you can be and let God do the rest

 

[underacloud]

1. Come to Sunday Mass informally clad. Not being well dressed makes a statement that the Mass and the Blessed Sacrament are not worth respect.

I’m not sure whether I agree or disagree with this…because I have no idea what it means.

Should I be wearing a three-piece-suit to mass?

What about a tunic and sandals - which would have been the attire at the very first mass?

What about jeans? What about shorts? What about…t-shirts?

 

[underacloud]

PS the rest of the list looks pretty good and thought provoking, even for those of us who try to do all those things already.

 

[Xantippe]

PS the rest of the list looks pretty good and thought provoking, even for those of us who try to do all those things already.

Some more quibbles:

“4) Never pray, say a Rosary, or read the Bible at home. The child will see that the faith is something that is only preached not practiced.”

Do you notice how this list never really gets around to talking about what the practice of Christianity looks like outside of going to Mass, going to confession, praying, and reading the Bible? Isn’t that a whole lot like not practicing the faith? And the interpersonal dimension of Christianity is pretty much AWOL from the original list of 10 items–it’s very individualistic.
**
Children, particularly older tweens and teens are very sensitive to the faintest whiff of legalism and hypocrisy. I feel like this list leaves parents vulnerable to accusations of hypocrisy from kids who say stuff like, “You pray and you go to Mass and you go to confession, but where is your faith and where is your love?” **

“5) Never discuss or teach the Catholic faith in your home. The child will think if Catholicism is not worth talking about, why bother?”

**Again, if your child thinks that there is a Grand Canyon between the faith you preach and the faith you practice, all the talking in the world won’t do any good. **

“7) Come to Sunday Mass informally clad. Not being well dressed makes a statement that the Mass and the Blessed Sacrament are not worth respect.”

**Wait, I thought this family wasn’t going to Mass?

And now we’re quibbling about their clothes when they do go?**

“8) Only come to church on holidays such as Easter and Christmas. The child will see that you are a hypocrite.”

Again, I thought this family wasn’t going to Mass?

 

[jmcrae]

We didn’t do any of the things on that list - in fact, we did the opposite. But both our children have left the Church.

Sometimes you do everything right, and they still leave the faith. That’s because they have free will.

 

[underacloud]

Xantippe, you are right that these things in themselves are of no value, if the parents do not practise a genuine faith and have great love (charity):

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,** but do not have love, I gain nothing.**

Catholics/Christians who can pull themselves together for one hour every Sunday, but act like jerks the rest of the week, are hypocrites. They could avoid doing every one of the things on the list and still drive their children, and potentially many others, away from the faith.

But - that doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t take heed or think about the issues that list raises.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know–I feel like there’s a problem of audience. The audience is presumably super duper conscientious Catholics who are unlikely to be doing almost anything on the list, which is why it feels so weird.

1. Avoid the use of the word ‘sin’. It may develop in the child a guilt complex. This will prepare him to believe that there is no right or wrong.

We talk about sin at our house. Our kids could still stop practicing when they grow up.

1. Never take your child to confession. This will ingrain the concept that no one sins and there was no need for Christ’s life, passion, death, and resurrection.

**We take our kids to confession. Not as often as we’d like to (that would be monthly), but certainly quarterly. They could still stop practicing. **

1. Drop off and pick up your child from Catechism class and never take them to Mass. If Mass is not important to you how can it be for your child?

We go to Mass every Sunday we’re well. Our kids could still stop practicing.

1. Never pray, say a Rosary, or read the Bible at home. The child will see that the faith is something that is only preached not practiced.

We read the Bible at home, pray, and my husband reads and discusses theological and philosophical works with our kids. They could still stop practicing.

1. Never discuss or teach the Catholic faith in your home. The child will think if Catholicism is not worth talking about, why bother?

**We are pointy-headed intellectual Catholics. We’re REALLY good at talking.

Our kids could still stop practicing.**

1. Don’t have religious pictures, crucifixes, or statues in your home. This way the child will not be frequently reminded of Christ and His Church.

We have a bajillion crosses, pictures, statues, and icons in our home. Our kids could still stop practicing.

1. Tell your child that one religion is as good as another. The child will doubt the Holy Roman Catholic Church is God’s one true church and Christ’s words, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)

**We have never told our children that one religion is as good as another.

Our kids could still stop practicing.**

 

[jmcrae]

I don’t know–I feel like there’s a problem of audience. The audience is presumably super duper conscientious Catholics who are unlikely to be doing almost anything on the list, which is why it feels so weird.

1. Avoid the use of the word ‘sin’. It may develop in the child a guilt complex. This will prepare him to believe that there is no right or wrong.

We talk about sin at our house. Our kids could still stop practicing when they grow up.

1. Never take your child to confession. This will ingrain the concept that no one sins and there was no need for Christ’s life, passion, death, and resurrection.

**We take our kids to confession. Not as often as we’d like to (that would be monthly), but certainly quarterly. They could still stop practicing. **

1. Drop off and pick up your child from Catechism class and never take them to Mass. If Mass is not important to you how can it be for your child?

We go to Mass every Sunday we’re well. Our kids could still stop practicing.

1. Never pray, say a Rosary, or read the Bible at home. The child will see that the faith is something that is only preached not practiced.

We read the Bible at home, pray, and my husband reads and discusses theological and philosophical works with our kids. They could still stop practicing.

1. Never discuss or teach the Catholic faith in your home. The child will think if Catholicism is not worth talking about, why bother?

**We are pointy-headed intellectual Catholics. We’re REALLY good at talking.

Our kids could still stop practicing.**

1. Don’t have religious pictures, crucifixes, or statues in your home. This way the child will not be frequently reminded of Christ and His Church.

We have a bajillion crosses, pictures, statues, and icons in our home. Our kids could still stop practicing.

1. Tell your child that one religion is as good as another. The child will doubt the Holy Roman Catholic Church is God’s one true church and Christ’s words, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)

**We have never told our children that one religion is as good as another.

Our kids could still stop practicing.**

Actually, yes, your kids could stop practicing their faith. Some kids get Baptized in the Church, but never actually start to practice their faith.

Your kids have a genuine choice in the matter - and you can keep on hoping that they will choose not to stop - but at least they have started.

In my experience, it is the ones who pray - who really have a deep personal relationship with God - who continue to practice the faith even when there is no one to remind them what to do.

Something my spiritual director is getting me to do this month is “non-transactional prayer” five minutes in the morning and five minutes in the evening. Simply talk to Jesus without thanking Him and without asking Him for anything, but just talk to Him as to a spouse or to a best friend, about how your day is going, what you plan to do, and what you think might happen, and what you did during the day and how it made you feel, and what happened, without any expectations from Him to respond in any particular way, and without any requests for favours, and without it being your “reward” to Him for having been kind to you today.

I’m finding it very helpful.