How to explain 'lust' and 'attraction'

  • Thread starter Thread starter RachelKH
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

RachelKH

Guest
i have a friend who i have to keep at more than arm’s length because he, though a good and helpful friend in many ways, is asking for more than friendship, which i am not willing/able/interested in granting him. the one thing he says keeps him asking for more is his physical attraction to me. but he just doesn’t get it. he tells me he likes and respects me and lusts for me and he has no clue why i find that offensive. he doesn’t see lusting over me as a fault but as a praise for my ‘beauty’ (i think he needs glasses, btw) and i just don’t know how to be more clear. can anyone help me explain to a used-to-believe Catholic who is now a i’m-sure-god-understands-that-i’m-a-good-person-even-if-i-don’t-go-to-church-or-pray-or-anything guy? i know i should probably cut off all contact, but we went to school together, live near each other, and i pray one day he will wake up and regain his faith.
 
I probably will fail at explaining what I think is the difference between the two, but I’ll give it a shot.

I think lust is when you only want one end result with spending time with a person and that is a sexual relationship. You’re not interested in putting much effort into a real relationship with the other person, its all surface and its all based on physical attributes.

Attraction to me is when you find you want to spend time with the other person because you connect on other levels than just finding the person’s physical attributes appealing. You share beliefs, ideas, dreams, hobbies and all of that make the other person attractive. If the person was suddenly in horrifying accident that marred their physical attributes in some way, you would still want to be around that person because you’re still attracted to all the other aspects of them, just not what’s on the outside.

I think too lust can be an immediate response and dies out quickly. Attraction has more substance and builds on itself.
 
I agree with Patrice. I think the key difference is that “lust” by it’s very nature involves a sexual pull; “attraction” does not necessarily mean that. Now, that said, I don’t think that lusting for someone and being attracted to them are mutually exclusive. As an example, there are times when I know my husband lusts for me (and vice versa) and we’re still very attracted to each other’s qualities outside of sex. Lusting even within a marriage is not ideal, of course, but it does happen.

You don’t say how old you are, so I’d be curious. The whole “lust” thing seems to be more associated with younger men (IMO anyway). Assuming he is younger, he probably does consider it a compliment to say he wants you sexually. Clearly, however, this is erroneous.

The key thing is this: If he truly respected you, etc. then he would respect that you aren’t interested in him romantically and would move on. Yes, he might be disappointed, but he would understand and not bring it up again. I think you need to kindly tell him that the discussion makes you uncomfortable. If he can respect that, then I would continue with your friendship. If he can’t, then I think you have no choice but to step away from it. Good luck and God bless.
 
we are both 46, lol, so he ought to know better by now, but he doesn’t see lusting as a sin or a limiting to what ‘i’ or my body can do for him. love is sooooo much more than just getting sex, but sometimes i wonder if no one but me knows that. on here, hopefully i find others of like mind. someday i hope to find a man that knows that and can be true and not all about ‘getting’ even though i long for a healthy sex life too.
 
One more thing to add: IMO lust is when you have no interest in the general welfare of the person that is appealing to you, you’re just wanting their body as a means to an end.

Rachel, I think you will find other likeminded Catholics here. I’ve followed some of your posts on here and you have been through quite a lot. But we’re out here if you need us.
 
Now Now Rachel. Just because there is some snow on the roof, doesn’t mean the fire is out in the basement. lol

Seriously though, Rache, lust, impure thoughts, physical attraction and whatever degree is a condition to be dealt with for most of one’s entire life.

A lot of prayers and help from a lot of angels keeps it in appropriate check.
 
that ‘fire’ definitely isn’t out in my basement, lol, but i don’t want that to be the basis of any relationship – it just isn’t enough, for sure for me, and probably for anyone really. i find celibacy very difficult, yet what i’m forced into for now – it is probably that ‘fire’ that my friend can tell is there and is hopeful of catching me at a weak moment. i would feel much better if he was concerned for me as a person more than concerned for his own sexual gratification, especially as he knows if i ever ‘gave in’ i would feel terribly guilty about it and it would ruin any relationship we have. sigh.
 
My first reaction to this is to tell you to run away. Not knowing how well you know him, I would be afraid he might not be able to control his lust and could attack you.

Be safe!
 
Okay, here’s my take… 🙂

Attraction is normal and healthy. It’s how God made us. It’s probably why we humans multiply. LOL But, it should be second to looking at the other person as a subject, a creature made in the image and likeness of God. Lust looks at a person as an object. Some"thing" to be used for personal satisfaction, rather than some"one" whom to love as Christ loves us. BIG difference. Lust only leads to sin and heartbreak and ruined lives. True love regards the other person as someone, a creature of God, made in His image and likeness whom He died for and loves infinitely!
 
wow – i never saw that coming, but, really, i’m in much better shape physically than he is and i ‘think i could take him’ (he has a few health issues that make him slow and in pain often) – thanks so much for caring – but i really think he is more of the mind that he will only pounce if i seem of 2 minds and wavering, but then i’m not male, never was, never will be, can’t wear the t-shirt, so it could be possibly – but i’ll only be near him in day, in public, in company, so i should be good. that way i protect myself from my urges and his too.
 
Scoobyshme – that’s how i see it/live it too – but i can’t get him to ‘get it’. maybe he is just too shallow. very knowledgeable and helpful in many things, but not this.
 
“…i know i should probably cut off all contact…”

You’re not into him the way he is.

That type of overt sexual (?) predation (?) is obnoxious. Telling you up front he lusts for you. (You and a whole host of other woman - real, imaginary - online - magazines.)

Imagine being married to him.

Or what he does at home after your dates.

Ick.
 
we are not dating, just friends – he comes over sometimes to help with a house project i can’t handle – fixed my door, helps cut the grass, fixed my computer.

he is not into porn, never liked it. he is not ‘all well’ down ‘there’ so he even told me to not expect intercourse for sure if we ever attempted it – but he would like to ‘do lots of things’ to me and ‘hope it works’ if i would let him. so i’m really not worried. i just want him to not lust.
 
Scoobyshme said:
Okay, here’s my take… 🙂

Attraction is normal and healthy. It’s how God made us. It’s probably why we humans multiply. LOL But, it should be second to looking at the other person as a subject, a creature made in the image and likeness of God. Lust looks at a person as an object. Some"thing" to be used for personal satisfaction, rather than some"one" whom to love as Christ loves us. BIG difference. Lust only leads to sin and heartbreak and ruined lives. True love regards the other person as someone, a creature of God, made in His image and likeness whom He died for and loves infinitely!
Click to expand...
Scooby, thank you for such a great explanation on this. I’ve been trying to explain the difference between “lust” and “love” to my daughter in a way that she would “get it.” I’ve apparently not worded it the right way, but this is perfect and I’ll be sharing it with her tonight. Thanks and God Bless!
 
RachelKH said:
Scoobyshme – that’s how i see it/live it too – but i can’t get him to ‘get it’. maybe he is just too shallow. very knowledgeable and helpful in many things, but not this.
Click to expand...
Rachel, I do know this… The biggest heart-softener of hard-hearted (when it comes to things of God) people is sacrifice, prayer, penance, fasting, etc. We always go to God about man, before going to man about God. In other words, line your ducks up first. Pray (esp. the Rosary!), visit the Blessed Sacrament, fast (if you can), go to daily Mass and offer it for his conversion, etc. And, ask others to do the same! You need not mention his name, if you prefer not to. You can just ask them to pray “for the conversion of a great sinner” that you’re praying for.

We used to have a group in my home town some years ago that volunteered to be on a ‘recall roster.’ Whenever we had a situation like this, or someone was very ill, or in an accident, etc., we’d run the recall roster and meet in church at like 2am. One of the guys even had a school bus he owned and would pick up those who couldn’t or didn’t want to drive. We’d spend an entire hour (a holy hour) for this person, mostly on our knees on the hard floor, praying for them. Rosary, stations of the cross, etc. You would be amazed at the number of positive outcomes that came from this activity!

What ruined it is some bright soul suggested we change it from 2am to 8pm. That took all the mortification out of it, and like taking the yeast out of bread dough, it fell flat and everyone quit.
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
Scooby, thank you for such a great explanation on this. I’ve been trying to explain the difference between “lust” and “love” to my daughter in a way that she would “get it.” I’ve apparently not worded it the right way, but this is perfect and I’ll be sharing it with her tonight. Thanks and God Bless!
Click to expand...
Irish Girl, you’re welcome. 🙂
Code: 
 Keep this in mind, too...  We're all in a mortal combat for our souls.  The devil has the media and Hollywood, so for every one time you tell your daughter what's right, she's going to hear the opposite a hundred times!  If she KNOWS this is what's going on, though, then it'll be easier for her to listen to you rather than "them."  I'm assuming you've also talked to her about peer pressure, etc.  It's so prevalent in our day and so negatively powerful with youth.

If she's into rock music, etc., that's not good.  You may want to listen to a good talk by Dr. John Rao on the effects of the rock subculture on our kids:
alabamacatholicresources.com/Downloads/Rock_Subculture.mp3

(It’s an .mp3 audio file that you can download to your PC and listen to, or to your .mp3 player or iPod, or burn to a CD). It’s very interesting and shows where some of the kids get the messed up attitudes towards life that they do.
 
RachelKH said:
I have a friend who i have to keep at more than arm’s length because he, though a good and helpful friend in many ways, is asking for more than friendship, which i am not willing/able/interested in granting him. the one thing he says keeps him asking for more is his physical attraction to me. but he just doesn’t get it. he tells me he likes and respects me and lusts for me and he has no clue why i find that offensive. he doesn’t see lusting over me as a fault but as a praise for my ‘beauty’ (i think he needs glasses, btw) and i just don’t know how to be more clear. can anyone help me explain to a used-to-believe Catholic who is now a i’m-sure-god-understands-that-i’m-a-good-person-even-if-i-don’t-go-to-church-or-pray-or-anything guy? i know i should probably cut off all contact, but we went to school together, live near each other, and i pray one day he will wake up and regain his faith.
Click to expand...
Hum. Reading this from a secular standpoint…he needs to understand this simple word.
NO.

No, you are not interested in him romantically.
That’s all.

If he does not grasp that, perhaps you need to keep your distance until he gets the message.

Forever ago, when I was 20, I had a male friend who tried to take it further, and I had to tell him over and over I was NOT interested in him other than as a friend.

When he stalked me to the point of my having to call the police…well…I lost a friend as well. Sad.
 
***He’s 46? ***
Damn skippy he should know better. Hell, I thought you were a teen/young adult…

NO should be part of his vocab by now, and he should DAMN well know better.

No self-respecting 40+ YO male (or female) should be throwing themselves on someone like that.
That’s just wrong, and to be blunt, he’s not too respectful of you, for sure…unless I’m missing something?

Mind, if I were ALLOWING this banter, and being playfully sexually crude…and yeah, I have done that…if it’s a mutual thing-ONLY between the two of us-that’s a different ball of wax.
Is he thinking this playful sexual convo is OK with you?

As to lust…it’s been discussed already, but I’d read his thought patterns as lust, for sure. However, I’ve been known to misread people and I can be uptight…so…
 
we weren’t having any playful conversation about it – just being straight about why i’m against us getting any closer than friends and him being all for getting married or at least ‘testing the waters’ – and he seems to think his attraction is enough of a start to go from while i’m thinking an emotional connection is way more important. i don’t know if this is ‘male’ thinking or just his spiritual immaturity and worldliness talking, but the line is drawn and he can’t cross over but i still want to keep a friendship if ok and pray him on to sainthood or at least something better than he has now.
 
RachelKH said:
we are not dating, just friends – he comes over sometimes to help with a house project i can’t handle – fixed my door, helps cut the grass, fixed my computer.

he is not into porn, never liked it. he is not ‘all well’ down ‘there’ so he even told me to not expect intercourse for sure if we ever attempted it – but he would like to ‘do lots of things’ to me and ‘hope it works’ if i would let him. so i’m really not worried. i just want him to not lust.
Click to expand...
So in other words, this man is sexually harassing you. In your own home. Right???

Rachel, do you not see how utterly DISTURBING and WRONG that is?? Why would such a discussion about sex even occur with a man helping you fix something?? Why is this man allowed in your house??!!!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top