How to explain 'lust' and 'attraction'

[Adeodatus]

we are not dating, just friends – he comes over sometimes to help with a house project i can’t handle – fixed my door, helps cut the grass, fixed my computer.

Especially if he is having lust issues, the problem is that he does not think you are just friends. He thinks that you would not let him come over and mow the lawn and fix your computer unless you were interested in him. He will eventually think you have been leading him on and will grow to resent you on the grounds that he has been ‘used’: you let him do all that work for you while he thought you were interested in him, but the whole time you weren’t interested at all.

He probably will not pick up on subtlety. He has come to the conclusion that you are interested in him (he wouldn’t be talking about the two of you being intimate, etc. if he hadn’t made up his mind about it). Now everything you say is seen through the lens of you being into him but not wanting to come out and say it. You’re just playing hard to get, he thinks.

So you have to take him aside (do NOT put your hand on his arm when you do this) and ask him to look directly into your eyes. Then tell him the following: “I would not have sex with you if you were the last man on this planet. I will never have sex with you, ever. Please repeat that back to me so that I can be sure that you understand.”

Especially if he is having “man problems” and/or is socially awkward, he has most likely begun living in a world of fluffy clouds and floral meadows where the two of you are destined for a sugary romance. You need to (verbally) slap him hard enough to knock him out of that cloud realm so that he falls back down to the parched badlands of planet Earth, where he is actually supposed to be living. Any ambiguity in your speech is a disservice to this deluded fellow.

Never having met either of you, that is my take on it.

 

[RachelKH]

ok, probably he thought we would end up more than friends, but not from me not speaking clearly. he is lonely, on disabilty for his illness which pops up and causes terrible pain and is the cause of his ‘down there’ problems, so in talking about his illness, his lack of ‘for sure’ ability came up. he is looking for ways to keep busy, feel useful, be needed, and enjoys working on yards and houses, etc, when he is able, between bouts of his illness. so we talk a lot. when he is sick, i’ve come watch a movie with him, stopped by the house where he lives, taking care of his parents, when i’ve gone on a long bike ride. we talk about my situation, he helps me know that certain things my exhusband trained me to believe are not real. i help him know that there is more to life than stagnating because he has an illness. we urge each other on when depressed. so – he was put in my life to help me, maybe, but not in the way he thinks and i hope i was put in his life to help him, but also not in the way he thinks. when he doesn’t push, we are very comfortable together. he enjoys talking, music, walking tho slower than my normal pace, listening, children, storms, sunny days, lots of stuff to share like friends do, which i never had in my marriage, so it is so cool to see a different side to males than i have lived with, but still, i have to be the one on guard. but i think i am getting through to him finally. we’ll see if he drops our friendship or continues in a good safe proper way. sigh. it is so hard to not be married and to be friends with the opposite gender. it makes me just back off from all guys. and my happily married friends see my not being married as a red flag to hide their husbands and walk past me w/o the usual chat and hug stuff. it’s not my fault my ex husband is who he is. but no one on the outside can be sure, so of course they have to protect themselves from the disease of divorce.

 

[anthonynelson]

Lust is to feel to have sex with the one you like. and Attraction is liking the one whom you love.

 

[RachelKH]

now wait – i think wanting to have sex, in a loving, giving, sharing manner with the one you are married to without selfish feelings of ‘i want it whether you want it or not and i want it so I feel good and don’t care what you get out of it’ and not being overly focused on how ‘good’ it is like it’s the be-all, end-all of why to have sex, well, i think that is good!
lust is self-serving, selfish, all about ‘getting’
love is about giving of self
this is why my giving my best to my husband was never reciprocated – he didn’t care how i felt, as long as he was ‘getting it good’
i don’t know if this is a woman thing, but i always tried to do everything to please my husband in bed, even if it wasn’t comfortable or pleasurable to me, because i wanted to please him – i think that was ok, except it was one-sided, because he was only interested in the getting, not pleasing or ‘togetherness’. that kind of sex is very lonely and un-fulfilling, and, i think, not like God wants it.

 

[MercyMia]

Disclaimer: Rachel I am going to be brutally honest with you out of charity and love. If this sounds harsh in anyway, please know that it is not meant to be. It is said with softness and compassion. I am familiar with your story with your other posts, if anyone who is reading this isn’t, I suggest they look them up so they see where I am coming from.

Rachel - you cannot date. You cannot even think about dating until your last child is 18 years old. These kids have been traumatized enough by their father’s behavior. You have mentioned your daughters feeling violated and insecure; there is even an eating disorder that has popped up. You need to be there for them 100% - there is not time in your life for romance. I am sorry, there just isn’t. Aside from that, you cannot be introducing men into your home life with teenage girls around - especially teenage girls who already feel unsafe in their own home because they grew up with a lustful father. The conversations you are having with this guy, their sexual nature, are a giant red flag! You are putting yourself in bad spot by even entertaining these conversations. I think it would be wise for you to break off this friendship and have no contact with him. I mean, he is discussing the things he wants to do to you? So inappropriate, and by not slapping him across the face you have already let him know that you can be demeaned. You already know that you have trouble discerning good men because of who you married the first time…I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. You cannot risk making the same mistake of character again and having your daughters be the victim of your bad judgment. Manipulative people can seek out victims like a predator in the wild, you have a giant red bulls-eye on you. And btw predatory types are never obvious, if that were the case nobody would ever be taken in by them. And not to make accusations against him but you have to be smart, you have to anticipate any intentions of a man who is near your children – and it is not so rare for a predator to romance a single mother in order to gain access to her adolescent daughters.

 

[RachelKH]

***i am not/will not/am not looking to dating/date!!! ***
i am looking to surround myself with helpful friends.
i am learning how to be around others w/o ex-dh telling me it is ok or not ok.
i am looking to get my life flowing without craziness.
i know i shouldn’t be separated from everyone as my life w/ ex-dh dictated.
repeat – i am not dating.
i am looking especially for women friends who can help me find reality and goodness in life again.
sometime after an anullment, if given, i hope to find a great guy to be happy with and make very happy.
but for now i am caring for my children and myself.
no ‘wanna-be-partners’ need apply.

and, just to put your mind to rest – he has 2 teen age daughters himself and finds it very sick that my ex thinks the way he does, he didn’t even believe it possible when i first disclosed it, he cares better for his girls than many fathers and would protect them from anyone who would harm them in that or any way. yes, he has lustful thoughts but he likes women, not ‘children’ and looks at his girls and my girls as children – but i would still never let him (or any man) even in the same room alone with them w/o me cognizantly present. i don’t trust anyone. that is my burden from my marriage. but until i can figure out how to do all the things i need to do as the soul adult in this big house and yard, i am having others teach me (car fixing, furnace/ac fixing, water pump fixing, computer fixing, door fixing, etc), i kind of need to allow men (or women) to come around now and then to help me navigate this single life. yes, i did most everything before in the way of yardwork, fixing of household problems that i could, but i can’t just let some things that ex-dh wouldn’t allow to be fixed to just fall apart. so i need help. finding help w/o danger is the problem i guess. but i am trying. i have, since this thread, limited all contact w/ my friend to just email questions and brief how-are-yous.

 

[agapewolf]

Lust is to feel to have sex with the one you like. and Attraction is liking the one whom you love.

THis is not true.

There is nothing wrong with feeling attraction or arousal by itself. There is nothing wrong with acting upon that in a married relationship. This can be loving (which is self-gift).

Lust is sinful…always. It is the taking and using of someone as an object. JPII says it is even possible to lust after your own wife, which is wrong.

 

[RachelKH]

oh, and he said he wants to ‘love me like my husband should have, like your great body should be loved’ – and that is as detailed and as close to the topic he ever got and i shut him down immediately by telling him that was not part of our relationship and never would be. he just kept thinking and occasionally saying how he thought we were perfect for each other, enjoy being with each other and how he was sure i could make him happy and he could make me happy and how he would always lust for me, which i guess is his immature version of a compliment, which is why i started this thread to explain the difference and how inappropriate lust and those comments and thoughts were. in my innocence, i kind of believed he meant ‘attracted to’ rather than ‘lusted for’ but you all have set me straight that he probably doesn’t and i was wrong to let it go so easily. thank you.

 

[Cicero]

My first reaction to this is to tell you to run away. Not knowing how well you know him, I would be afraid he might not be able to control his lust and could attack you.

Be safe!

Yeah because lust turns us all into caveman savages.

 

[Zeemeermin]

Frankly, I think you are using this guy. He does all these great services for you because he’s still hoping, and even though you say you’ve been clear with him, you’re still letting him stick around and do all this stuff for you knowing WHY he’s doing it.

He is sexually harassing you, and you call him a friend. Just because you have known someone a long time does not make them your friend. This person does not share your values and will not even do you the courtesy of respecting your values. You should have ditched him a long time ago.

And BTW, much of the time, the ones who protest the loudest against porn are the ones using it all the time. Same with child predators. You should get this guy away from your kids, if for no other reason, than that they shouldn’t watch their mother being treated like this. And if you think they don’t see it, you are lying to yourself. Kids pick up on a lot more than adults think.

I also think you’re a “saver.” You need to feel special by somehow saving this damaged guy. That again, is you using him… it’s not about him, it’s about you. Knock it off. You should be focusing on your kids, period.

 

[Tiribulus]

<<< The conversations you are having with this guy, their sexual nature, are a giant red flag! You are putting yourself in bad spot by even entertaining these conversations. I think it would be wise for you to break off this friendship and have no contact with him. I mean, he is discussing the things he wants to do to you? So inappropriate, and by not slapping him across the face you have already let him know that you can be demeaned. >>>

I have to agree

Originally Posted by RachelKH:
oh, and he said he wants to ‘love me like my husband should have, like your great body should be loved’ – and that is as detailed and as close to the topic he ever got >>>

Is THAT all? Well bless yer lil ol heart I guess that’s OK then Like "your great body " should be loved huh? How gracious of him.

Frankly, I think you are using this guy. >>>

I also agree with this. For every reason this Zeemeermin guy says and also because I think you’re flattered by the attention. In any case this is a disaster in the making on one level or another. From the outside this is clear as day.:stretcher:

 

[Zeemeermin]

this Zeemeermin guy

Zeemeermin is Dutch for mermaid. I’m a little more female than you thought… no worries, though, it’s not a particularly feminine sounding word. At least not to an English speaker, I guess.

 

[RachelKH]

this friend was an altar server until he joined the navy, was a volunteer fire fighter for 11 years until his health went south, adopted his wife’s children (when they married, have since divorced) and still cares for them better than many parents, he is always volunteering to help friends, neighbors, old navy buddies, etc. he can’t have a job because of his disease but needs to feel useful. i work very hard trying to keep up with everything and when he finds out i did something w/o asking for his help he gets down because he wasn’t asked to help. he’’ day ‘well you had a full afternoon but i just sat here watching tv because no one bothered to even call me – you know i’d love to be helping you with that.’

i told him i think he is a rescuer – i’m too busy with my own life to go out and find people to rescue!

this whole thing came up because i’m trying to help him understand the difference between lust and attraction – because he doesn’t think saying he lusts is bad!!! i have feelings of ugliness and unworthiness from being in a marriage for so many years in which my husband cheated on me, made me feel not good enough, made me feel my body was ugly and undesirable. when my friend said i deserved to be loved, i told him probably not and that no one would ever love me, and he went on to try to convince me by saying he wanted to love me because he lusted for me – that is what this is about. i find being ‘lusted for’ disgusting and not a compliment at all. i could understand an attraction – i am attracted to my friend’s kindness, his gentlemanliness, his caring, his abilities – i am not attracted to his body because i can’t even think of that yet – but he is a friend from forever ago and i find comfort in being with my friends from childhood – they knew me then, knew me throughout my life, and still like me now. that’s friendship.

i’m sorry you see this as some plea for attention or whatever – i just don’t know how to explain this well, but nevermind, because i have pretty much cut off contact with him so i couldn’t fuel anymore interest.

 

[Tiribulus]

Zeemeermin is Dutch for mermaid. I’m a little more female than you thought… no worries, though, it’s not a particularly feminine sounding word. At least not to an English speaker, I guess.

OOPS! Sorry about that. Maybe it subconsciously reminded me of a guy I knew who’s last name was Zimmerman (or something)