How to find a good confessor?

[Christphr]

How can one find a humble, discrete, pious, and wise confessor?

 

[po18guy]

By first employing humility, discretion, piety and wisdom in one’s search. I find that the one seated before me is the best, and each has something to offer if we seek it and are open to it. Those confessors that seem the most stern reflect God’s justice and fatherly chastisement, while those who are “easiest” reflect His fatherly love and mercy. They have the same source.

 

[babochka]

You could ask friends for recommendations and then go to Confession to the recommended priests. I have had uniformly good experiences with Opus Dei priests, FSSP priests, and Eastern Catholic (Byzantine Rite) priests. Byzantine priests might take some getting used to because the approach to confession is very different ( and confession is face-to-face and out in the open, in view of everyone), but that is my preference. FSSP priests have been outstanding for their help with moral theology and with their assistance in naming the sin in a concrete way.

 

[Entwhistler]

Just to go off babochka a bit, I’ve been to a few FSSP priests for confession and they have all been brilliant in terms of theology.

Although there was this one OF priest whom I have gone to confession with. The first thing he always said after I confessed my sins was “Praise God you are here” in a tone that was so genuine and warm. Whether I just had mean thoughts or I yelled at someone, it was the same first response every time.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

I had to go to many different confessors until I found someone. It is well worth the search. Don’t give up looking.

 

[Tulitas]

This is an excellent response. Thanks for your wisdom!

 

[po18guy]

To avoid frustration, and to paraphrase Stephen Stills, “Confess to the one you’re with.” He will absolve, assign a penance, and then do penance also for you, as is part of his ministry. If no penance is assigned, rather than freak out, simply assign one to yourself. The Lord will certainly accept it. He is a God of peace, not of doubt or confusion.

 

[Anne1964]

Ask your friends for recommendations.

If you’re in a parish where multiple priests are hearing confessions see who has the longest line. Review the parish website to get the “flavor” of the church. See how often and for how long confession is offered each week. These can all be clues to where you may find a good confessor.

Once you find one try to go to confession exclusively with him. That way he will get to know you and can better advise you about sin in your life.

 

[dann]

Finding a Bad confessor is easer… That was my experience

 

[otjm]

For starters, what makes you think that al confessors are not humble, discrete (they are all bound to reveal absolutely nothing, not even that you confessed), pious, and wise?

Part of me is wondering if what you are looking for in a confessor is spiritual guidance. If so, you need to seek that out elsewhere other than in the confessional, and most particularly if there are others waiting to confess.

When you go to confession, you need to confess. If you need guidance on spiritual matters, take it up elsewhere at a different time.

 

[babochka]

For starters, what makes you think that al confessors are not humble, discrete (they are all bound to reveal absolutely nothing, not even that you confessed), pious, and wise?

They are not equal. Some are better versed in moral theology than others. Some are kind and patient. I’ve never come across one, but I’ve heard that some priests are impatient and harsh in confession. Different priests have different gifts and some are more skilled than others when it comes to hearing confessions.

Part of me is wondering if what you are looking for in a confessor is spiritual guidance. If so, you need to seek that out elsewhere other than in the confessional, and most particularly if there are others waiting to confess.

When you go to confession, you need to confess. If you need guidance on spiritual matters, take it up elsewhere at a different time.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking spiritual guidance in the confessional. While it is not a strictly necessary part of the sacrament, it is an important one. Do you think famous confessors like Padre Pio and St. John Vianney had penitents flock to them from near and far because of their outstanding ability to pronounce the words ob absolution? Your thinking always brings to my mind the words of St. Alphonsus Ligouri, patron saint of Confessors: “But some will say, if we treat sinners in this manner a great deal of our time will be taken up, and others who are waiting cannot be heard. But in answer I say, that it is better to hear one confession well than to hear a great number imperfectly. But the most appropriate answer is, that the confessor has not to give an account to God of the persons who are waiting, but only of the person whose confession he has begun to hear.”

I refer you to the Vatican manual for confessors and spiritual directors, which can be found here: http://www.clerus.org/clerus/dati/2011-08/08-13/sussidio_per_confessori_en.pdf. It is a good read. don’t have time to pull appropriate quotes, but this document makes it clear that that there is a great deal of overlap between confession and spiritual direction and confession is most definitely an appropriate time for some aspects of spiritual direction. A good confessor can make a profound difference in just a few minutes of spiritual direction within the context of confession.

 

[otjm]

At 71, I didn’t fall off the rutabga truck as it rolled through the square - st. Peter’s, or any other. I can remember as a kid being yelled at, better than 60 years ago.

I understand what the OP is asking; but it gets under my skin when I get the list of qualifications. My comment was perhaps something perhaps you did not grasp - it is called irony.

How about we get through confession knowing that whether or not the priest was another fantastic confessor, or just another poor soul having a hard time working out their eternal salvation, we have been forgiven through the priest by Christ? And not make out a list which looks like a request for a an already made saint?

I am also not so dense as to not know that the priest might briefly offer some spiritual advice.

add to that that I have stood in line in a particular church, and if I did not get there early, I was likely to find myself in line behind one particular family of parents and 6 kids, 5 of whom had made their first confession; and it was an average between 7 and 10 minutes per person.

A couple of sentences of spiritual direction is fine. That takes maybe 30 seconds to a minute.

I will reiterate that the confessional is not the place to seek out spiritual direction. It is not the place for an on-going conversation; it is a place to confess one’s sins, receive any appropriate admonition and a word of two of advice, forgiveness and penance, and then make room for the next person.

Maybe it is just my personal gripe, but this has not been once or twice; over a few years it happened just about every time I showed up and they were there. No one else took that much time, so it was not just the priest hearing confessions. With 15 or more people in line and one priest hearing, time is limited.The average is about 3 minutes; a bit more for some, less for others.

John Vianney and Padre Pio spent hours daily haring confessions. Even in what might be considered a conservative parish, an hour and a half was the max; most are about an hour (including those which have an average of 15 to 20 in line at the start, with more coming in later).

 

[babochka]

At 71, I didn’t fall off the rutabga truck as it rolled through the square - st. Peter’s, or any other. I can remember as a kid being yelled at, better than 60 years ago.

And would you say that a confessor who yells at children is as good as any other confessor? Why should a person not seek out a wise and humble confessor who will help him to learn to make a better confession.?Because of my mild social anxiety, I suspect I’d have stayed away from confession for many years if a priest had yelled at me in confession. I now seek out a Confessor who knows me well and with whom I am comfortable. It works better for me that way. I am able to make a better confession.

if I did not get there early, I was likely to find myself in line behind one particular family of parents and 6 kids, 5 of whom had made their first confession; and it was an average between 7 and 10 minutes per person.

I’ve been in this position. If I don’t get to confession earlier than a certain woman who confesses every week, I often don’t make it. Usually, Father will be able to hear my confession after the Divine Liturgy. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. One of the things that I appreciate about him is that he hears each confession as if it is the only one he has to hear and he gives each penitent the time needed. He is also willing to hear a confession just about anytime. I would say my confessions at the usually scheduled time last about 10 minutes and if I make an appointment and nobody else is waiting, they can go as long as 45 minutes. Nobody seems to mind and he is a popular confessor. Those who want express Absolution probably go elsewhere. You are unlikely to find those anywhere in the East.

I am also not so dense as to not know that the priest might briefly offer some spiritual advice.

A couple of sentences of spiritual direction is fine. That takes maybe 30 seconds to a minute.

I will reiterate that the confessional is not the place to seek out spiritual direction.

Your experience with this family aside, I have noticed that most priests are pretty consistent with the time they take. I’m pretty brief with my part of the confession. If it goes more than a couple of minutes it is because the priest himself has chosen to ask questions, dig deeper, or take his time giving relevant advice. One time I was at a retreat where my bishop was hearing confessions. In two hours, he heard three confessions. While I’m sure some people were disappointed not to have the bishop hear their confession, the three that had the opportunity were immeasurably blessed by his wisdom.

It is easy to assume that lengthy confessions are the fault of the penitent, but it is the priest who controls the pace and length of time spent. I’m not going to tell him how to do his job.

Spiritual Direction has historically very much been a part of the sacrament of confession. The idea of Spiritual Direction apart from confession for the laity is contemporary.

 

[babochka]

Spiritual Direction has historically very much been a part of the sacrament of confession. The idea of Spiritual Direction apart from confession for the laity is contemporary

I wanted to expand on this, since I’m sure many will disagree with me. I offer you this from Father…, writing for the website Is Spiritual Direction Just a More Involved Form of Confession?

Nevertheless, although the essences differ, the secondary characteristics of confession and spiritual direction can often overlap. A good confessor gives more than absolution; he also utilizes the sacred moment in which this person is opening their heart to God to remind them of God’s goodness, love, and wisdom. If he detects some confusion or frustration, he can also give sound advice, just as a spiritual director would do. If the penitent has questions or doubts, the confessor answers and resolves them. The atmosphere of faith in which the sacrament takes place is incomparably propitious for the action of the Holy Spirit and the penitent’s docility to that action. In past centuries, in fact, lay people usually received spiritual direction within the sacrament. They would go to the same priest regularly for confession, and this “confessor” became their spiritual father, their spiritual director. In more recent times, however, the practice of having separate spiritual direction, which used to be reserved for consecrated religious, has spread to the laity as well. This is linked to the Church’s growing emphasis on the lay vocation as a vocation to holiness, just as much as a religious vocation is a call to holiness. Only the states of life differ.

From the same article:

Some priests who are excellent confessors even prefer to give spiritual direction within the sacrament of confession. Combining the two makes for a longer stay in the confessional, but it can be fruitful. If you are having trouble finding a spiritual director, you may want to ask around to find out which priests in your area have a reputation for being wise confessors. Y**ou can then go to confession with them, and in addition to confessing your sins, you can also mention in the sacrament that you are trying to follow a program of spiritual growth. Then include as part of your confession the areas of spiritual work in which you have had difficulty in recent weeks. These difficulties may be imperfections (unconscious faults) more than sins, but by confessing them you express the delicacy of your love for Christ, and you give the confessor a greater understanding of the state of your soul. Then he will have a chance to give you solid advice and guidance before giving you absolution.** You can use that advice to adjust your program of spiritual work for the coming weeks. In this way, your confessor can double as your spiritual director. The disadvantage of this arrangement, however, is the lack of time to converse. Often what is most helpful in spiritual direction is the focused conversation about spiritual things. Necessarily, the parameters of the sacrament curtail this kind of discussion.

 

[casslean]

I’m not sure when you were looking, but I’ve had the exact opposite experience. I’ve experienced nothing but kindness and compassion. Some advice is better than other advice, but it’s always a place of love and compassion.

 

[dann]

If you read fr. John harden teaching on mystism. Visions and visionary. He attributes spiritual people as having a big imagination.except of course . terrisa of avelia. Or st john of the cross.
Where people like smith wigglesworth. John g lake. Kenneth hagen. Is a clearer example.

 

[dann]

Wow a well thought out explained answer.

 

[babochka]

Father JohnHardon on finding a good confessor (edited to fit under forum limits):

http://www.therealpresence.org/archives/Sin/Sin_007.htm

…But the Church also encourages the faithful to receive the Sacrament of Penance often, and not only after committing grave sin.

But this can pose a problem. Not everyone is convinced that frequent Confession is even desirable. …

That is why the faithful today need some guidance in their choice of a confessor.

Essential Qualities of a Good Confessor
Our situation today is not unique. At various times in the Church’s history the faithful have had to be selective in choosing their confessors.

St. Teresa of Avila prayed for years that the Lord might send her a wise and prudent confessor. St. Vincent de Paul provided his priests with copies of the formula of absolution to distribute among the faithful, so they might give it to their confessors. Why? Because so many priests in his day did not even know the words of absolution! St. Francis de Sales advised people to change from a confessor who causes the penitent “too much fear.”

He Accepts Church Teaching
The first necessary quality to look for in a confessor is that he accepts the Church’s teaching on sin. …

Moreover, a good confessor must sincerely believe in what is called the integrity of confession. In other words, he must be sincerely convinced that Christ instituted the Sacrament of Penance in which the penitent is required to confess. Confess what? Whatever mortal sins have been committed, including their number and such circumstances as affect the nature of grave offenses against the Divine Majesty.

Desirable Qualities
Over the centuries, the Church has exhorted her confessors to the practice of certain virtues as ministers of God’s mercy in the Sacrament of Penance.

They are to be prudent. This covers a multitude of qualities like asking the right questions, avoiding unnecessary details, and not reducing the sacrament to a counseling session by a psychologist.

They are to be practical. In other words, confessors are to deal with the specific sins and failings, which the penitent relates.

They are to be strong believers in their priestly powers.

They are to be kind. Sinners are human beings, with all the weakness of human nature. They should be treated with Christ-like charity and merciful understanding.

They are to be objective. Sin is sin, and an injustice to an all-loving God. In his kindness, the confessor may not forget who he is, God’s representative. He must be wise in treating the penitent as a person who needs guidance in the spiritual life but also firmness in coping with what may be long-standing habits of indifference to the will of God.

Prayer
“Lord Jesus, help me to find a confessor according to your Divine Heart. I wish to see your gracious mercy in the priest to whom I reveal my soul.

“Grant my confessor the gift of discernment. May he lead me by Your wisdom and teach me by Your truth. Amen.

 

[babochka]

Here’s a nice little article (originally a booklet) on finding a good confessor.

http://frcoulter.com/books/confessor.html

He starts with this, and then expounds upon each quality at some length:

The qualities of the good confessor as enumerated in the Ritual (T. 3, c. 1, Dc Sacramento Poenitentiae) are goodness, knowledge, prudence, and meticulous respect for secrecy.