How to forgive my husband's mistress

[blessedwith3]

I may be posting this in the wrong spot, but I do not know where to post. I have been having a very difficult time with my husband having an affair, and although I am very hurt by his actions, forgiving him has not been very difficult. The problem is I have a lot of built up anger and resentment toward the other woman. I do not know how one could be so selfish. As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am. Please do not misunderstand, my husband is fully responsible for his own act of betrayal and selfishness, and I may not have forgiven him for everything he did during the affair, but I am working on it. However, I feel like his “mistress” could not have cared less for the pain she was putting me, our children and our unborn baby through, and for everything she took from me and my marriage (my confidence, our innocence, etc) and to point out, she was aware that he was married, had children, I was pregnant… I feel so much anger and jealously toward her. Ultimately my husband is here working on our marriage, but while he is putting forth effort in our marriage, I am harboring hard feelings. I don’t “want” to forgive her ever, but the truth is God loves us all, and how can I make the decision to hold on to this resentment when I really want to follow God. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, and carrying this woman with me is preventing me from being so. The thing is I don’t even know how to begin to forgive someone I have never met, who hurt me, my children, my marriage, God and because of the affair brought this much pain to my husband. Please be kind here, I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be for God, but I can’t take harsh criticism right now. Please sympathize with me here. Thank you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Wow that is pretty heavy. I have a couple observations.

One is that you were not married to the “other woman” you did not take vows and become one. You did not create life with her. If you can forgive your husband for the worse offense. (his is worse than hers from your perspective) then this should not be that much of an obstacle. I would also point out that God sets an example for us in our own path to forgiveness. To be forgiven as a Catholic in confession we must admit we did wrong, be sorry for it and make amends. Personally, that is the criteria that I use with others as well. God has perfect justice and perfect mercy. So I feel that following His example is a good way to start.

I would also like to mention that as a man, I am offended that many in our culture seem to excuse a man’s behavior as being just a man. Women on daytime shows get mad at the “other woman” so often and I never have understood that.

Was this woman a friend of yours, or a relative? I can see how that could cause the feelings you have but could it be that you find it easier to take the anger you have for your husband and are placing it on her a little bit? She is an adulteress. Yes. But you did not vow with her, you did not become one with her.

 

[gmx2014]

Mistress, by definition, means teacher.

If you try to learn whatever lesson there is from the ordeal, maybe that will help you.

Have you truly forgiven your husband, or are you pretending to yourself that you have? Is your unforgiveness really toward her or is it really toward a man who essentially is your entire world, your life, and you can’t risk not forgiving him, because if you are unforgiving of him, you lose your life as it is (a harmonious marriage and family). Consider: the first part of the word harmony is harm. It is one or the other; harm or harmony. What he’s done is make harm.

Maybe you can explore your heart, in prayer, and ask Christ to come into you and help you.

 

[po18guy]

Consider that, as profoundly as you have been victimized by this woman, she is currently in a state of mortal sin and risks eternal damnation. This is a soul which thinks only of the self, and therefore, is not and cannot be happy. Regardless of how you feel, how does God, her Creator, feel about losing one of his beloved (but sinful) creations for all eternity?

The road to forgiveness is very challenging. It will come through prayer on her behalf. She is certainly an enemy of your marriage, if not exactly of you personally. We are commanded to pray for our enemies. This will probably be extremely difficult to do, even counter-intuitive, but is the path to true forgiveness. And, remember that you are seeking God’s forgiveness for yourself and your hardness of heart. Yet, your prayers will help bring you that grace and may very well also lead her to a state of sorrow and repentance. Just as sin has multiple victims, grace has multiple beneficiaries.

Ask the Lord for great spiritual courage and pray for her daily.

 

[Petaro]

You are indeed a very brave woman. Don’t be too hard on yourself as you move towards the fullness of forgiveness that Christ demands of us in His own forgiveness.
You are presently grieving for the loss of the innocence of your marriage. Grief takes time.
Forgiveness is indeed an act of the will, but there is much emotion attached to it in your situation. It is co-mingled with justifiable anger.
As grief takes time; so should you expect forgiveness.
You are, emphasis, are presently forgiving your husband, for a range of reasons from love through to expediency. Your husband is presently expiating his failure, as Jesus expects in forgiving us.
This woman shows no contrition, no understanding of her guilt.Indeed she does not care for you, your marriage, your unborn child; and strangely in truth, has no feelings for your husband. Only you have these which you are using to coal the fires and stir the embers. Accept those reciprocations from your own fool.
It is much harder to forgive such a woman, such a negative for all you cherish. As life releases grief to its own time; so forgiveness may come in its own time of acceptance.
Make the act of the will, and let time do the rest. I am sure Jesus would not demand more from such a courageous lady as yourself.

 

[MonikaBarbara]

Pray for her.
It’s amazing what God can do with your heart when you start praying for her.
Every day, as you pray, try to see her as a person who is in grave danger spiritually who needs help.

 

[pianistclare]

Why are you so concerned with her?
Avoid anything to do with her.
I hope she is not lingering in your midst.
if so, tell her in no uncertain terms that she is to stay away from your family. Better yet, have your husband tell her to scram.

Focus on your marriage. I think it’s amazing and wonderful that you have forgiven him and are keeping true to your vows, God bless you. I hope he is responding well to you.
The only time to think about her is in prayer, when you pray that she repent and turn back to the Lord. And ask God to help you to forgive. This, for the sake of your own soul, you should do.
Beyond that, you owe her nothing.
Place your energy in preserving your family, and taking care of yourself during your pregnancy.
I pray that everything works out for you.
May God give you peace.

 

[april32010]

Mistress, by definition, means teacher. no,it doesn’t

If you try to learn whatever lesson there is from the ordeal, maybe that will help you. how could nonsense help ?

Have you truly forgiven your husband, or are you pretending to yourself that you have? Is your unforgiveness really toward her or is it really toward a man who essentially is your entire world, your life, and you can’t risk not forgiving him, because if you are unforgiving of him, you lose your life as it is (a harmonious marriage and family). Consider: the first part of the word harmony is harm. It is one or the other; harm or harmony. What he’s done is make harm.

Maybe you can explore your heart, in prayer, and ask Christ to come into you and help you.

 

[YADA]

…This woman shows no contrition, no understanding of her guilt.Indeed she does not care for you, your marriage, your unborn child; and strangely in truth, has no feelings for your husband. …

Actually - you cannot know know that this ‘other’ woman has no contrition, guilt or care for the harm she has participated in giving … nothing in the OP post states that …

The OP states that this person knew he was married and had children and one on the way - but there is no indication of how/when.where this information was known by the other woman during the affair timeline … and then she reports that she has still never met her …

So there is no way to know the circumstances that existed when this affair started, the events that would appear to have ended it [please God it has ended for all involved] … nor the circumstances of the marriage …

Really - the husband should not have had an affair - he knew he was married,

The woman should not have entered into a relationship with a married man - providing she knew he was married at the time …

Everyone is probably suffering either from the betrayal of others and / or their own sinful actions …

beyond that - you cannot know particulars - the motives - … and conjecture does not serve anyone well … this woman needs to come to grips with the obvious fact that there are problems in her marriage - identify the weaknesses … and decide if she desires to reconcile, if she can forgive and her spouse also desires to reconcile … The she needs to get help on forgiving … and he needs to begin the hard work of rebuilding the relationship, repairing the relationship and earning - *working hard! *to earn trust - this couple needs Retrovaille … or some real assistance more then forum chat … retrouvaille.org/ to help them and their children

 

[Petaro]

Actually - you cannot know know that this ‘other’ woman has no contrition, guilt or care for the harm she has participated in giving … nothing in the OP post states that …

The OP states that this person knew he was married and had children and one on the way - but there is no indication of how/when.where this information was known by the other woman during the affair timeline … and then she reports that she has still never met her …

So there is no way to know the circumstances that existed when this affair started, the events that would appear to have ended it [please God it has ended for all involved] … nor the circumstances of the marriage …

Really - the husband should not have had an affair - he knew he was married,

The woman should not have entered into a relationship with a married man - providing she knew he was married at the time …

Everyone is probably suffering either from the betrayal of others and / or their own sinful actions …

beyond that - you cannot know particulars - the motives - … and conjecture does not serve anyone well … this woman needs to come to grips with the obvious fact that there are problems in her marriage - identify the weaknesses … and decide if she desires to reconcile, if she can forgive and her spouse also desires to reconcile … The she needs to get help on forgiving … and he needs to begin the hard work of rebuilding the relationship, repairing the relationship and earning - *working hard! *to earn trust - this couple needs Retrovaille … or some real assistance more then forum chat … retrouvaille.org/ to help them and their children

" However, I feel like his “mistress” could not have cared less for the pain she was putting me, our children and our unborn baby through, and for everything she took from me and my marriage (my confidence, our innocence, etc) and to point out, she was aware that he was married, had children, I was pregnant… I feel so much anger and jealously toward her." Original post.

Inference yes; conjecture no. The intention of the post point was to empathize with the OP “feelings”. not to judge the other woman. We have to recognise the OP’s feelings to fully understand how hard forgiveness is in these circumstances. To quote Thomas More ; let the other woman shift for herself.
Your advice to obtain formal help is well made. God Bless!

 

[MrsR]

Why are you so concerned with her?
Avoid anything to do with her.
I hope she is not lingering in your midst.
if so, tell her in no uncertain terms that she is to stay away from your family. Better yet, have your husband tell her to scram.

Focus on your marriage. I think it’s amazing and wonderful that you have forgiven him and are keeping true to your vows, God bless you. I hope he is responding well to you.
The only time to think about her is in prayer, when you pray that she repent and turn back to the Lord. And ask God to help you to forgive. This, for the sake of your own soul, you should do.
Beyond that, you owe her nothing.
Place your energy in preserving your family, and taking care of yourself during your pregnancy.
I pray that everything works out for you.
May God give you peace.

I agree with this! You are not going to forgive this women over night it will take time, time is a natural healer. Same goes for your husband. I think you are being very strong, not many women would have the strength and will to work towards forgiveness and re strengthening their marrage the way you are, God bless you.

 

[DarkLight]

I would echo the advice earlier - is it perhaps the case that you are displacing some of your feelings towards your husband onto this woman? I doubt it is so easy to forgive him as you seem to state. An affair is a very deep betrayal.

It’s very easy to displace like that, and it happens often in our culture. Sometimes even in cases where the woman is innocent (as may happen in an emotional affair) - I’ve actually lived through that one!

Definitely make sure your family has no contact with her, if at all possible. And seek some sort of counseling, whether through your church or through a marriage counselor.

 

[Isca]

I am so sorry you are in pain right now, it’s completely understandable and it sounds to me as if you are doing a great job in trying to move on. I am sure that any woman in your position would find it difficult to forgive the other woman - the fact that you don’t know her actually makes it harder, IMO. The fact that you are trying speaks volumes about you, in the nicest possible way!

You are doing your very best in a stressful situation and you need to be kind to yourself, too. I pray that you get back to happy times and that your new baby brings your family great joy.

 

[VivienneJ]

I think you might be expecting too much of yourself trying to forgive her now. That can come later.

For your marriage’s sake you need to forgive your husband, as you have, and concentrate on re-building that relationship.

You have two children and are pregnant, that is already a lot to cope with.

You are bravely re-building your marriage. My advice is to dismiss the mistress, for now. If you are someone who can visualise things, imagine putting her into a box that you seal up and put into storage (attic, basement, wherever). Set a time, probably after the baby is born and you are into a routine with the addition to your family, when you will open that box and work on forgiving this woman.

 

[jwjz]

guidetopsychology.com/anger.htm

Hope this helps.

 

[crystal_waters]

Is there any way to cut this other woman 100% out of your husbands life eg…if she lives in your neighbourhood you could move house, if she works at his workplace he could work someplace else etc…

Also attend a catholic marriage counsellor to work through your feelings thoughts and issues TOGETHER…

Also i wouldnt feel jealous of her…your the one who is married to your husband…she just some low moral low class woman who cheats with a married man…never be jealous of her…be disgusted with her and pray for her that god shows her how distructive her behaviour is

 

[white_sheep]

You shouldn’t be thinking about her. Just let it go. Worry about forgiving your husband and work on everything else. If you need to forgive her for some reason, do it in a couple of years.

 

[crystal_waters]

Pray for the souls in purgatory and ask them to help your marriage recover from your husbands cheating…

Check out this website ( its my favourite website )
missionbell.homestead.com/afavourgrantedbytheholysouls.html

i copied and pasted a testimony from the site that may interest you

A marriage healed

Maria and her husband had applied for a divorce. He had already moved on with another woman. Maria was desperate for a reconciliation and to give their marriage a fresh start and a new life, so she started praying for and to the Holy Souls in Purgatory, asking them to obtain this favour for her. Maria had lost all hope that her husband would ever leave his new relationship, and return to her and try to save their marriage. Her prayers were answered, and she is very happy because her husband has returned to her, and is working to heal their marriage.

 

[Cricket2]

I doubt your husband was honest with the mistress to begin with. She may not have known he was married and had children. He obviously did know. Forgive her, she may be just as hurt as you, but for different reasons. Besides it takes two to tangle?

Keep working on your relationship with your husband. I have to say this: If it was me he would not get a second break if he fell again, not in this area. I think some sound marriage counseling would be helpful. I have known a few women were this has happened, and I hate to tell you this, but the offender is seldom guilty of an affair only one time.

Your husband needs to show you a lot of effort in the area of fidelity and trust. And he needs to do this for a long time. This is why I think professional counseling is in order here. Why was he wondering in the first place? (And I don’t mean you are at fault in any way or fashion.) Cheaters have other issues they need to deal with as a rule, if they are not going to cheat again.

 

[lax16]

I may be posting this in the wrong spot, but I do not know where to post. I have been having a very difficult time with my husband having an affair, and although I am very hurt by his actions, forgiving him has not been very difficult. The problem is I have a lot of built up anger and resentment toward the other woman. I do not know how one could be so selfish. As a woman, I could never try and take a married man from his wife, no matter what the circumstance, especially if he were a father and his wife were pregnant, as I am. Please do not misunderstand, my husband is fully responsible for his own act of betrayal and selfishness, and I may not have forgiven him for everything he did during the affair, but I am working on it. However, I feel like his “mistress” could not have cared less for the pain she was putting me, our children and our unborn baby through, and for everything she took from me and my marriage (my confidence, our innocence, etc) and to point out, she was aware that he was married, had children, I was pregnant… I feel so much anger and jealously toward her. Ultimately my husband is here working on our marriage, but while he is putting forth effort in our marriage, I am harboring hard feelings. I don’t “want” to forgive her ever, but the truth is God loves us all, and how can I make the decision to hold on to this resentment when I really want to follow God. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, and carrying this woman with me is preventing me from being so. The thing is I don’t even know how to begin to forgive someone I have never met, who hurt me, my children, my marriage, God and because of the affair brought this much pain to my husband. Please be kind here, I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and I am really trying to be the best person I can be for God, but I can’t take harsh criticism right now. Please sympathize with me here. Thank you.

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I imagine I would feel the same way.:hug3:

I have heard (probably on Catholic radio) that when we need to forgive someone that has really hurt us and has not asked for forgiveness we should pray for them in the best way we can.

First, we may pray for her by asking God to heal our anger and for her to find her way to Jesus Christ. Then, little by little, as we heal we can ask for more.

God understands your pain - but don’t waste it! “Offer it up” for another cause.