How to get beyond adultery

[RoseMary131]

I totally feel for Gabby.
I’m not adding “invented details”,

Daddy Girl, What I mean by invented details is adding details that could have been a scenario. As you wrote this time:

*"Like it or not, there is a difference in "deliberation" between getting drunk in a bar and taking someone to your hotel room in a stupor...than spending time leafing through online ads to set up a meeting and pay someone to have sex."*

Your other message:
Going to a prostitute is pretty serious and complex…much more so than just getting tipsy and having a one-night-stand with a stranger.
To actually find a prostate, pay for it, is a very conscious and deliberate act. And to throw caution to the wind and do something with such a heightened danger of disease…

I know you were not trying to invent details, but your message actually does paint a picture. You have painted two possibilities in each message. One scenario is a tipsy man having a one-night stand with a stranger. That same picture this time you paint as a man drunk in a bar taking someone to his hotel room.

You contrast that with Gabby’s husband and you add his details to the painting. The first painting you have him deliberately and very consciously finding a prostitute. In the second painting, you have her husband leafing through online ads to set up a meeting and pay for the sex.

Those really are invented details. The invented details are: He could not have been influenced by alcohol since the adultery was with a prostitute. He was sober. He could not have been enticed by a prostitute looking to make money. He was looking for a prostitute. He even now has a computer involved and is purposely searching online to find a prostitute, contacts her, and sets up a meeting place.

Naturally, if she wants to have sex with her husband right away when she still doesn't trust him ......But having sex with someone .....don't trust is often a very unhealthy thing to do emotionally. .....

But each person is different, of course. Some women might have no problem having marital relations with their husband the same day he tells him he was just with a prostitute.

My point that a wife may decide to have sexual intimacy with an unfaithful spouse before she **trust **him, was for Gabby not to take that as " do not have sexual union until you can trust him." Since she is hurting now, what you suggest could be firm in her thoughts. If she were to feel you suggested she wait until she trust him, she might follow that, even though her heart said to be sexual with her husband before trust was back. Trust may be 5 years or more down the road.

You misread my writing that with her love for her husband and the graces they both receive through the Sacrament of Matrimony, she may be ready for a sexual union **before trust **is established. You contrasted that idea with sexual union returning the same day the husband tells his wife about the adultery.

This is also another reason a wife may not want to turn to her friends for support for her husband’s adultery. You have asked Gabby “why” did he do this, with the idea that with you (us) knowing “why” he did it, you (we) could help more.

A friend might do the same. Once the wife explains to the friend “why”, the friend now knows more information than the wife may have meant to share. A few days later, the wife may wished she had not shared the information.

A friend is just that, a friend. They are not a trained counselor/therapist or priest.

What if the friend then puts to the wife, as you did, “did he use a condom?” Again, the friend feels she is helping, but the wife may now once again answer something she later wishes she had not said.

What if the friend starts to paint a more detail picture to the wife of the adultery. Once her husband opens up to the pains of sharing with Gabby, his details may not match those painted by the friend. Her husband may not have gone looking for sex. He may not have used the internet to begin this adultery and may not have set up a meeting.

The friend may have caused more pain with invented facts and asking too many questions.

Add to that, when one confides in a friend such big events it can be hard on the friend. This may be too hard for the friend to hear and now the friend needs someone to speak with. What is the friend to do with her own pain? The friend can’t share it or now someone else knows of the adultery.

The friend may dislike the husband so much for his behavior that the friend no longer even wants to do things with this family.

I realize you want to offer help in all your messages. I want to point out what I feel are mistakes in your messages to give her a second view on the same message.

I did not write this to offend you, Daddy Girl, as I know you want to help Gabby. It is only my opinion, flawed and humbly submitted.

 

[robwar]

Do we ever fully understand another’s motives? This logic does sound correct on some level though. Counselling, I think would be key. You don’t want this to become a chasm between you, but you do need to cross it together - which requires open communication. Be careful that the children do not ‘overhear’ such discussions. Maybe a retreat might be in order, as some other people have mentioned. (not an easy situation, I’m sure.)

From what the OP said was that he is getting mad at her when she want to talk about this terrible betrayal of trust. You just can’t sweep this under the carpet because he went to confession and claims it is over because of that. A part of confession is going back to the person you have hurt and try and make amends for the wrong done. If he is getting mad at her because she needs to talk and heal then he is manipulating her not looking to repair the relationship. I am not thinking that she is trying to talk about this in front of the young children they have and that was not indicated on her part.

 

[RoseMary131]

I understand what you say, RM, but I offer that yer over-thinking it a bit.
My first intention was to impress upon Gabby the level of seriousness of his act and that she/they/he should seek help.
The second time, I elaborated mainly to try to illustrate to you what I meant by “deliberation”.

I truly hope I didn’t add to her pain (sorry if I did, Gabby!), but…at the same time…since she seems to not know what to do and feels she can’t talk to anyone close to her at all, she’s running the risk of burying all this and never dealing with it for herself or with him.

That can make matters way, way, waaaaay worse in the future.

So methinks better to urge her to action.

One can impress a seriousness of an action without adding details. The added details can become woven with the real details when someone is hurting already.

There was no indication in her message of “deliberation”. We do not want to add “deliberate intention”. You imply that adultery with a prostitute equates to a deliberate intention.

Adultery is **extremely harmful **to a marriage no matter if deliberate or not, no matter with a prostitute, friend, or stranger.

You and everyone who replied with suggestions see the importance of seeking help and not “burying” this as if it didn’t happen. So you “urge her to action” without saying her husband was more deliberate since he was with a prostitute.

 

[nana3]

i am the mother of two. my husband, after being away on business came home and confessed to me that he cheated on me with a prostitute. He has expressed what i consider true regret, and is very sorrowful. I’ve been trying to get beyond it, but I find that I’m facing very big obstacles emotionally in getting past it. What’s the best way to approach this situation? I feel too embarrassed to approach a priest and it’s not the sort of thing I can discuss with my friends. I desperately need guidance as to how to salvage our family, and also how to help my husband. This type of behavior is totally uncharacteristic of him. I suspect he’s using pornography also. I fear for our marriage. I ask you to join in intercessory prayer, and I welcome any suggestions you might have.

Gabby,

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I wanted to advise you to what two others have already mentioned in your thread and that is please go on the weekend of retrouvaille. Retrouvaille is for hurting marriages. The program will help you work out the feelings you are having so that you can forgive your husband. I can’t tell you how many stories we heard on our weekend of adultery and we were amazed how these couple worked on their hurting marriage and are so much more happier now than when first married. My husband and I did not have this issue, but verbal abuse was part of our problem and we talked to a couple who had this issue as well. The wife was like me and the dh was like my dh. Her dh was worse in name calling than my dh was, but still verbal abuse makes it difficult to move on. I told this woman who was one of the couples testifying that my husband just tells me to “get over it.” She made a good point that can be applied to adultery. The pain that he caused to you is real and there for you to remember. It hurts and it is not something you can just get over quickly, but is something that both of you need to work on together so that the healing process can begin. It this does not happen, you will continue to have problems dealing with this and not trust him.

Please call Retrouvaille and find out when their next weekend is in your area. Go to www.retrouvaille.org for more information.

I will pray for you. Hang in there. :hug3:

 

[brandymmiller]

Dear Gabby,

I have direct experience with this. My husband didn’t go to prostitutes, but the adultery was just as real. Here is how I got past this.

First, you must realize that you are guilty of adultery as well. Every time that you have committed a sin, you have been unfaithful to Christ. Use the pain that you feel right now to reflect on how your sins have hurt Christ. In this way, you can use the adultery as a tool to grow in your faith and holiness.

Second, realize that the man that came to you to confess his sins is not the same man you woke up to today. You aren’t the same woman either. Both of you are changed by that experience and by the choices you make each and every day. The joy of a new day is that it is a chance for both of you to get a new start at life.

Third, you both need to create a new set of rules and guidelines to discourage this kind of behavior in the future. He needs to make a commitment to never again view pornography. Move all electronic devices into a room where anyone could see what he is doing at any time. Exchange user names and passwords for all social networking sites and email accounts. No secrets should ever be kept between the two of you. Those secrets are what allowed things like this to fester.

This isn’t going to be easy, and the trust isn’t going to be easy to re-establish, but it can happen in time. Take it one day at a time. There will be some days when you are fine and you have forgiven him and you aren’t hurt. There will be moments when something reminds you of what he’s done to you and the anger comes back and all the hurt comes crashing back in on you. These moments will happen less often as time goes on. I’ll pray for you. It’s not easy, but it can be done.