How to handle screaming baby during mass

[babochka]

Also, I’ve personally noticed at the EF Masses and the EC Divine Liturgies, its rare to hear children making a fuss. I think that in those churches, there is more for kids to look at like art/statues/stained glass in churches that have EF Masses, and many icons in EC churches as a start. Younger kids also often emulate older siblings and parents very well in terms of what to do in those forms but it can be done at Ordinary Form too.

I would say that in EC parishes, there is more for kids to do as well as see. The liturgy is very active. The singing is constant, congregational singing in the case of the Ruthenian Church, there are processions and movement of the congregation and the priest or deacon. The priest or deacon incenses the entire church and congregation. There is bowing and making the sign on the cross. Worship is very physically active, which is good for little ones.

But still, the kids in our parish have meltdowns. Sometimes the back door feels like a revolving door - one parent in, one parent out. We mostly have big families, as well. If it’s not one kid, its another. The liturgy is long; ours averages 85 minutes, but during Lent it is 10-15 minutes longer. That’s a long time for a little one to hold it together and it’s unreasonable to expect it. I think the little fusses are less noticeable in an Eastern parish because we do not have silence in the liturgy. Movement and sound are constant.

One time I apologized to my priest because one of my children had been particularly obnoxiously loud during the liturgy, at a highly inappropriate time, and I had difficulty leaving quickly, for a variety of reasons. His reply? “I thought it was one of mine.”

Another time, last Palm Sunday, my baby was being baptized. We knew it would be a long liturgy, but decided to do it on Palm Sunday anyway, because it was the fortieth day. Father had laid out ahead of time what he was going to do, in what order, etc. It was to end with the churching of the infant. As predicted, it was really, really long. Father joked that I’d asked for a three hour liturgy, so he was going to give it to me. Anyway, at one point in the liturgy, after well over an hour, every baby in the place started wailing. It was a symphony of crying babies. Quite amazing how it happened all at once. So, my pastor and the Godfather (who was a concelebrating priest) made the call to cut out a few parts of the ceremony and decided they could “church” the baby the next week. So, the liturgy was just over 2 hours, the babies were wailing, and one very quiet baby was baptized. Success.

 

[SMHW]

So, the liturgy was just over 2 hours, the babies were wailing, and one very quiet was baptized. Success.

I can’t help wondering if a parish with a slightly more relaxed attitude toward noisy children results in more relaxed parents. And relaxed parents usually result in quieter children. Children definitely react to the anxiety of their parents.

 

[TyburnTreeHuggr]

Perhaps by “stinks” the previous poster wasn’t referring to odor. Many parents have learned that cry rooms do not really help parents who are trying to teach their children to behave well at Mass. Instead it becomes a place where some children want to go so they don’t have to sit still and be quiet.

Correct. I wanted to say “sucks,” but I didn’t want to come off as too harsh.

Oops, already did.

Yes, the cry room is a last-ditch effort. No parent should have to sit in an enclosed, sound proof, box through all of Mass. Old Faithful (1960), if she has had children, should be well aware of the challenges (and joys) they provide, but also of the patience they need.

Those children will be future parishoners when 1960 has turned to dust in 2060. They are the lifeblood of the church and their parents (and the children themselves) should not be frowned upon, penalized, or uninvited because children are acting according to their God-given nature. Babies cry. Get. Over. It.

All of humanity has had to patiently deal with other people’s crying babies. Why should you be the singular exception? Or rather, expect so much?

Rant switch - OFF -

 

[babochka]

No cry room here. And the vestibule is tiny and open to the hall so its no help. No covered walkway outside, and my son only wanted to raise a fuss when it was pouring rain. Thankfully my husband (and most dads) not only take turns doing the walking (all the way to the car in inclement weather), but in our parish, dads are seen doing MOST of the walking leaving a harried mom the rare chance to enjoy Mass after a hellish week home with the littles. Books and soft toys and such entertained up to the point of the opening sign of the cross, LOL.

Once with 4 littles and one nearly intractable toddler, a fellow parishioner asked if he could sit with her one row away. He turned into an instant angel. Kids are like that. No way would I even attempt 4 alone back in the day in the instance where my husband had to work (rural area - not many Masses so he often had to work both Sat and Sun on all Mass times) unless I had a friend going who could help spell me. Its no fun missing homilies and prayers for years on end.

The only thing to really worry about is when the babies and toddlers are so quiet you forget they are there for a moment. My son who could not walk at the time slipped off the seat and combat crawled under the pews, between the seat and the kneelers and ended up 8 pews away before someone noticed him, scooped him up and held him up so my husband could see where he was. Truth. Another time he was an angel in the Christmas play (very short, just a few minutes during the presentation of gifts). He refused to exit with the other angels and ended up holding onto the priest’s legs for dear life. My husband was doing the combat crawling then, trying to coax my son off the altar without disrupting the entire Mass. The priest waved him off and just calmly conducted the entire rest of the Mass sitting between Father’s legs, holding on tightly and smiling angelically in his angel wings as Father distributed communion.

Honestly - try to relax. Someday these memories will bring a tear to your eye. And say a prayer for all the parents who have gone before you with these problems! We all wish we had worried less and just enjoyed the little one’s antics more.

What an awesome parish!

 

[JakeWI]

We have a 3 1/2 month old who has been attending Mass with us since she was born (or shortly after, I will say). She seems best behaved when she is able to look around and see things in the church when she is awake. Usually she will sit in my wife’s lap. A few times, she has caused some fuss to which my wife would take her out to the back of the church and calm her. For some reason, I cannot calm her as quick as my wife can.

Overall though, our daughter seems to calm to the music of the Mass. The organ vibrating through the church is something we tried exposing her to, even prior to her being born through these “tummy bud” things we got. I would play a Catholic hymn via organ on youtube through those buds everyday. It is definitely a soothing thing for her. Our hope is that she will want to help in Church music someday! She definitely has the long fingers for the piano/organ!

 

[zab]

One time I apologized to my priest because one of my children had been particularly obnoxiously loud during the liturgy, at a highly inappropriate time, and I had difficulty leaving quickly, for a variety of reasons. **His reply? “I thought it was one of mine.”
**

That’s a good one.

 

[PhiloMed]

Anyone commenting about the “annoyance” of babies at church and does not have children of their own should really just simmer down. Nobody really takes your opinion seriously. You just don’t get it.

 

[Joe_5859]

Okay,
This is kind of one of my pet peeves. I am probably being judgmental. When there is a cry room, why do parents not use it when their kids are being noisy at Mass? If they have to bring other kids there too, so be it. I agree that it seems rude to sit there and let a small child cry / make loud noises for a prolonged time.

I get it that the cry room is not a great place, but it is a useful place. I have used it as well when my kids were too little to understand that they should be quiet during Mass. Me and my husband had lots of times at Mass walking in the back (at a previous parish), wishing there was a cry room, so I don’t understand why people don’t use it when there is one?

If it were up to me, cry rooms would be banned. I felt that way before I had children and I feel that way even more strongly now that I have children.

Parents shouldn’t feel like they and their children are second-class Catholics who need to be shuffled off to the periphery in order to make other people’s stay more enjoyable. And when there is a cry room, I always feel like people expect me to use it or else I’m being rude and disrespectful. But I don’t use them because I don’t think they work that well.

In my experience, my children always behaved far worse in a cry room than they did in the front pew. In the cry room, they are so far removed from what is going on that they would just want to run around. I’ve seen many with toy boxes, too, which means the kids are clamoring for toys all during Mass when I wanted to impress upon them early on that Mass is not playtime. The cry rooms I have been to seem cut off from the rest of the congregation. Ultimately, we all leave feeling like we weren’t even at Mass. And—if we opted to go that route every single week—it would be far more difficult to teach my children to behave at Mass (or even what the Mass is all about).

Yes, parents need to be attentive and sometimes you have no choice but to remove an unruly child. I’m easily distracted. And I am very sensitive to the noise level of my children. (My son has autism and makes more noise during Mass at age 6 than he did at age 2.) But we also need to be charitable and cut each other some slack. Every fidget and whine requires the parent to make a judgment call. Sometimes they wait longer than they should to take a child to the back. But it’s part of the learning process. Each child is different and responds differently to different things. Sometimes you think the crying will be more short-term than it turns out to be. It happens.

A little patience goes a long way. We are all in this Mystical Body of Christ together. Reverence during the liturgy is needed, but Mass isn’t a movie. The Church isn’t a library. Sometimes there will be extra noise from children. Far better to have that than a silent parish with no children.

 

[babochka]

If it were up to me, cry rooms would be banned. I felt that way before I had children and I feel that way even more strongly now that I have children.

Parents shouldn’t feel like they and their children are second-class Catholics who need to be shuffled off to the periphery in order to make other people’s stay more enjoyable. And when there is a cry room, I always feel like people expect me to use it or else I’m being rude and disrespectful. But I don’t use them because I don’t think they work that well.

In my experience, my children always behaved far worse in a cry room than they did in the front pew. In the cry room, they are so far removed from what is going on that they would just want to run around. I’ve seen many with toy boxes, too, which means the kids are clamoring for toys all during Mass when I wanted to impress upon them early on that Mass is not playtime. The cry rooms I have been to seem cut off from the rest of the congregation. Ultimately, we all leave feeling like we weren’t even at Mass. And—if we opted to go that route every single week—it would be far more difficult to teach my children to behave at Mass (or even what the Mass is all about).

Yes, parents need to be attentive and sometimes you have no choice but to remove an unruly child. I’m easily distracted. And I am very sensitive to the noise level of my children. (My son has autism and makes more noise during Mass at age 6 than he did at age 2.) But we also need to be charitable and cut each other some slack. Every fidget and whine requires the parent to make a judgment call. Sometimes they wait longer than they should to take a child to the back. But it’s part of the learning process. Each child is different and responds differently to different things. Sometimes you think the crying will be more short-term than it turns out to be. It happens.

A little patience goes a long way. We are all in this Mystical Body of Christ together. Reverence during the liturgy is needed, but Mass isn’t a movie. The Church isn’t a library. Sometimes there will be extra noise from children. Far better to have that than a silent parish with no children.

Well said. Thank you.

 

[Bonnie]

Anyone commenting about the “annoyance” of babies at church and does not have children of their own should really just simmer down. Nobody really takes your opinion seriously. You just don’t get it.

Screaming children are not just an “annoyance.” I do have children. They are now grown up & somehow I was able to teach them to be quiet. When they weren’t, I took them out. So I do “get it.”

I changed parishes when the old one became unbearable with noisy children & even noisier adults. The parish I’m in now is much quieter. The worst noisy woman doesn’t come very often.

It’s a matter of respect. If people think their crying babies get something out of Mass, they’re delusional. If they think it doesn’t matter if other people are disturbed or can’t hear the priest, they are selfish.

 

[SyroMalankara]

I personally don’t mind the occasional yelp or scream of a baby at the Divine Liturgy. As long as the child isn’t running up and down the aisles or screaming at the top of their lungs throughout, it’s bearable to me. I can see how it would be a greater annoyance at a Roman Liturgy, since silence is more integral to the Liturgical environment.

 

[SyroMalankara]

We have a 3 1/2 month old who has been attending Mass with us since she was born (or shortly after, I will say). She seems best behaved when she is able to look around and see things in the church when she is awake. Usually she will sit in my wife’s lap. A few times, she has caused some fuss to which my wife would take her out to the back of the church and calm her. For some reason, I cannot calm her as quick as my wife can.

Overall though, our daughter seems to calm to the music of the Mass. The organ vibrating through the church is something we tried exposing her to, even prior to her being born through these “tummy bud” things we got. I would play a Catholic hymn via organ on youtube through those buds everyday. It is definitely a soothing thing for her. Our hope is that she will want to help in Church music someday! She definitely has the long fingers for the piano/organ!

good call. Our two under 3s seem to be happy when surrounded by icons and things to look at as well. A bare or plain and near empty church is where they like to run amok.

 

[Faith1960]

Anyone commenting about the “annoyance” of babies at church and does not have children of their own should really just simmer down. Nobody really takes your opinion seriously. You just don’t get it.

As for me I have one child and while I didn’t take her to church then (I was away from the Church for a time) I did take her other places , like restaraunts. She never had a screaming fit that I recall, but we were prepared to take her out if she did. I had no reason to disrupt others.

 

[Faith1960]

Screaming children are not just an “annoyance.” I do have children. They are now grown up & somehow I was able to teach them to be quiet. When they weren’t, I took them out. So I do “get it.”

I changed parishes when the old one became unbearable with noisy children & even noisier adults. The parish I’m in now is much quieter. The worst noisy woman doesn’t come very often.

It’s a matter of respect. If people think their crying babies get something out of Mass, they’re delusional. If they think it doesn’t matter if other people are disturbed or can’t hear the priest, they are selfish.

Good post.

 

[zab]

Screaming children are not just an “annoyance.” I do have children. They are now grown up & somehow I was able to teach them to be quiet. When they weren’t, I took them out. So I do “get it.”

I changed parishes when the old one became unbearable with noisy children & even noisier adults. The parish I’m in now is much quieter. The worst noisy woman doesn’t come very often.

It’s a matter of respect. If people think their crying babies get something out of Mass, they’re delusional. If they think it doesn’t matter if other people are disturbed or can’t hear the priest, they are selfish.

It is difficult to teach your children not to talk in church- that is engage in needless conversation- when the adults give such bad example. It is always easy to criticize and think that we did better than other parents who are having difficulty with their crying babies in church when we are not presently in their shoes. “If they think…then they are delusional” We learned through trial and error and they will, too. And even the best of parents sometimes learn that one child is more difficult than another. Any advice that may help these parents. should be given in a kind helpful manner not a condescending slam.

 

[Faith1960]

I think the parents who allow their kids to scream in Mass are, like the other poster said, selfish. They’re the ones who are teaching their kids from the beginning that they can do whatever they want and to heck with everybody else.
Maybe that’s how all these kids with entitlement issues start?

It also seems that the majority of parents okay’ing the screaming babies are the ones with…screaming babies or noisy kids. Coincidence, I think not.

 

[Bonnie]

Any advice that may help these parents. should be given in a kind helpful manner not a condescending slam.

There were several posts “slamming” those of us who don’t appreciate noisy kids in church. I was answering in kind. My bad.

 

[Faith1960]

There were several posts “slamming” those of us who don’t appreciate noisy kids in church. I was answering in kind. My bad.

And they assume we don’t have kids. We have kids. They just didnt disrupt other people by screaming in public places.

 

[Bonnie]

And they assume we don’t have kids. We have kids. They just didnt disrupt other people by screaming in public places.

My kids did plenty of screaming at home - so much at times that I wondered if the neighbors thought I as abusing them. My son’s public meltdowns were always quiet - that’s just the way he was. My darling daughter, on the other hand, could be pretty loud. She had only one major screaming meltdown in a store. I looked at her lying on the floor, kicking & screaming, and decided to abandon my shopping. I picked her up, carried her to the car, and went home. She had calmed down by the time we got home & for some reason, she never had a meltdown in public again. I didn’t punish her, & she was too young to have a discussion about it.

She was almost as loud a year or 2 later in church. Once. It was near the end of Mass so we just went straight out to the car. Never happened again.

 

[babochka]

Screaming children are not just an “annoyance.” I do have children. They are now grown up & somehow I was able to teach them to be quiet. When they weren’t, I took them out. So I do “get it.”

I changed parishes when the old one became unbearable with noisy children & even noisier adults. The parish I’m in now is much quieter. The worst noisy woman doesn’t come very often.

It’s a matter of respect. If people think their crying babies get something out of Mass, they’re delusional. If they think it doesn’t matter if other people are disturbed or can’t hear the priest, they are selfish.

Nobody in this thread has advocated keeping a screaming child in church.

I think that God gifts us a special kind of amnesia once our kids are grown. I’ve been through this with my own mother, who will say, at one time or another, “You kids never behaved like that. I wouldn’t have allowed it.” I was there. I remember, but she has apparently forgotten. I have an ongoing prayer that God allows me to remember how very difficult these years can be.

My parenting experience will be different from everybody else’s. I have 6 children spaced fairly closely together. That presents difficulties that a family with 6 children spaced several years apart will not face. If one’s children are spaced 4-5 years apart, then you’ve likely never dealt with figuring out how to remove a noisy toddler from the church, while also dealing with a sleepy and nursing infant in her lap. Closely spaced children also has advantages that smaller families, spaced farther apart, don’t enjoy. I have a special needs child and I have the disadvantage of having some of my younger children mimic his behavior. Yet another set of difficulties. All of this is just to say that we are each on a journey. As Christians, we should be supporting one another in love, through both our example and our actions.

Maybe you were an exceptional parent. Maybe you just got lucky. If your children never screamed in public, you are the exception. I thank God especially for a couple of my children. If I’d only had my 1st, 4th and 5th children, I would be unbelievably arrogant as a parent, thinking their stellar behavior was all my doing.

Maybe you are the type of person who glares at struggling young parents, or maybe you are the type who offers to help. Even if these people don’t behave in the manner in which you think is appropriate, keep in mind that they are parenting in an age in which the priests and even the Holy Father tells them to keep their baby in the Church.