I want you to better understand my situation, and why what you say saddens me instead of comforts me. I am not surrounded by people who love me. I am alone. I can only interact with some of my family, friends, and associates digitally – this means staring at a computer screen, and I have a few friends or acquaintances here with whom communication is difficult and with whom I cannot be intimate. I have received gifts from numerous people which have improved my quality of life (e.g. winter clothing, food), but which have done little to ease more than temporarily that -]numb emptiness/-] desolation I feel – that “God-shaped hole” I keep trying to fill unsuccessfully with the Eucharist. (Perhaps my problem is emotional, and spiritually I am in great shape, though.)
You tell me God is present, though. So I go to church, even to Mass, and what do I experience? A cold building, a language I mostly do not understand (Japanese), the appearance of bread, a wooden box, one stained-glass window depicting Jesus, and silence. “God is not absent. God is present constantly in our love for one another!” I hope you have some idea how hollow these words are for me, especially when you note Matthew 8:2-3 and Matthew 9:20-22 in contradistinction to my reception of the Body of Christ, so much more than the tassel of His cloak. I’ve also prayed that if it’s not God’s will to heal me, that He make this point clear to me, etc., but again, no direct response from God – only direct responses from human beings.*
As another has said, this world is basically what I would expect to find if atheism were true. Nonetheless, I do my best to continue keeping faith and hoping, hoping to awake in the morning healed, hoping Jesus will return this day, hoping to be healed when or after I receive the Eucharist the next time, hoping God will grant my other petitions and that the world will improve, etc.
- I’m saying “direct response” here to give you the benefit of the doubt – I have not yet read an answer to my question regarding the distinction between divine and human agency, so I’m leaving open the possibility that a direct answer from humans may also be an indirect answer from God, although this seems unfair, not how a father would treat his son.