How to keep going when it seems you've been forgotten by God

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LittleWay84

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As I write, the only man I ever loved or had a relationship with is saying his marriage vows to the woman he chose over me.

It’s been 5 years since I last saw him & I’ve been completely single with the exception of a friendship with a fellow catholic man who like me, also felt called to marriage. Ultimately, we weren’t right for each other so didn’t proceed beyond group dating.

I’m 35, I’ve discerned & been praying for a spouse since I was 15. All I ever truly wanted was to be a wife & mother. God never answered my prayers & it seems he wanted me to be alone. Time is now running out for biological children & my heart feels like its breaking.

I volunteer at church & for charities, have an interesting career working with young people, lots of hobbies, travelled extensively & God has blessed me in many ways. But my heart has always been so strongly called towards marriage & family life. As well as praying for a spouse with my whole heart, making sacrifices, pilgrimages, retreats, countless novenas including the 54 day several times, I’ve also prayed many times to be relieved of my desire for a husband & children but neither prayers have been answered.

I’ve offered it up, surrendered, tried everything.

I understand that God is not some magical genie who grants wishes. I cannot understand this torture & it’s made me doubt God’s love for me. I feel hurt & abandoned. I give love to those around me, my family, my community, the ones in society that no one cares for. I nursed a relative daily for seven years until their passing. I’ve cared for severely disabled & violent, emotionally disturbed children. But I feel now that I’m not enough for a man to choose as his wife or for God to see fit to give me to as a help mate through life.

I’ve lived a chaste life & feel so sad that I may never get to use the gift of fertility or sexuality that God gave me.

I have been unlucky in the dating arena. I live in a small uk town where there are not many Christian men close to my age. There are no youngish men at mine or neighbouring parishes & no groups for my age. I think, given my stance on chastity, I’d struggle with secular internet dating. All the men at work or hobbies are either married or homosexual.

Most of my friends are married & have children. try to keep as busy as possible and be of service to others. I am so lonely & feel I am living a life that doesn’t fit. It all feels “wrong” if that makes sense.

I see God working in other people’s lives. Bringing helpmates together & new life into the world & I pray for their happiness & tryto be joyous for them. I can’t help but wonder why it was never meant for me. I’m struggling to see past shattered dreams.

I know I seem very self pitying & I apologise. I don’t exude this in real life. I’m feeling especially low tonight & cannot see hope.

How do you cope when God says no? How do you not take it personally? I see myself as defective and unwanted now, even by God.

Any advice would be gratefully received.
 
I have no doubt that the Lord loves you very much! He created you; you were in His mind even before the world began.

We don’t always understand why God allows certain things. At my age now I realize that all of us have challenges in different ways. It sounds like you have helped and given love to so many people.

I will keep you in my prayers…
 
Thank you to both of you. TheLittleLady, no I’ve not paid to join that group as I thought it seemed a little strange (with the whole po box and bulletin thing) and wasnt sure if it was more for older people from the “Classified Ad” generation. Is it a service you’ve used and would recommend? If so, I might give it a go.
 
I have been happily married for all of my adult life.

I know many people who have met spouses through on line Catholic dating services and through Diocese singles events.
 
Thank you. Ah I see, Congratulations TheLittleLady. Yes, there aren’t any diocesan singles meet ups here and looking at that website it has 416 members in the entire UK and is for anyone over the age of 18, presuming half are women and that, given it’s for divorced and widowed people too, the chances of finding a man fairly close by and within an eligible age bracket mean that the numbers would be low at best.

As CeciliaDymphna says, especially in a relatively small country, some websites seem too niche. I might give something like match or bumble a go and be clear about my faith and boundaries.

Re London, I’ve lived there twice before and was very unhappy. I don’t have a job that I can leave, I’m working in my dream job and have a mortgage and a home that I love. I work in a different city to the one I live in and travel for work sometimes. I also book myself on a summer school every year in a different party of the country or world. I do so many things and get out and about so much that I do wonder if God just wants me alone.

Re motherhood, the push for a biological child is incredibly strong. If I wasn’t Catholic, undoubtedly I would have went down the sperm donor route but obviously I know it would be a sin. I’m not sure if all voluntary single parenthood is frowned upon in the church but I have, for the past couple of years, looked into adopting alone. I am trying to sort things out financially and emotionally so that by 37 I might be in a position to start the process.

It’s very difficult and painful to let go of the dream of marriage, pregnancy and biological children though and I’m not quite there emotionally.

I’ve a friend who is desperate to introduce me to the single new vicar in town but obviously he is Baptist and I’m Catholic so not really possible I guess.
 
LittleWay84 said:
416 members in the entire UK and is for anyone over the age of 18,
Click to expand...
Thing is, you will never know if there is 1 man on there who makes a good match for you until you try.

Also, do you go to Diocesan events and volunteering for committees? Are you volunteering for Catholic charities, attending Catholic conferences? Join some of the Women’s groups for Catholics, those women have sons and brothers and nephews.

https://www.wucwo.org/index.php/en/

https://www.wucwo.org/index.php/en/
 
Yes, I am only looking for one man haha! I suppose statistically there could be around 3 on there who are in the right age bracket. Much lower than the secular proper dating websites as opposed to databases.

Yes, I volunteer for several Catholic charities, one on a national scale as I am a local representative. There are next to no Diocesan events but I sign up for and attend the ones that do come up. There is one next month. I attend Conferences and pilgrimages. I have no shortage of female friends who are Catholic and all of these events are heavily female centric already. I have genuinely exhausted every Catholic option in the 20 years I’ve been trying.
 
I’ve just reflected on all of my female married Catholic friends and I don’t know a single one who is married to a Catholic. One friend is a widow and had a catholic husband but married a man in his 70s when she was in her 30s. As well as my own “home” parish, I visit many other parishes as part of my voluntary roles and in over 10 years of volunteering I have only met one Catholic man (the friend I previously mentioned) who was of a suitable age to start a family with but didn’t have severe mental health problems (although he does suffer with milder mental health problems). Out of a parish of 800 not a single lady with a son of my age has adult children who attend mass. I did turn down one total stranger and not regular attender who approached me as I was stepping down off the altar totally out of the blue when I was in my late 20s and he was in his early 40s but apart from that I’ve not been “fussy” or anything. I just haven’t had any other opportunities.
 
After a long night of not catching a single fish, the Lord told Peter to go farther out and cast his net into deep waters.

What would you consider deep waters to be for you?
 
Great question! I feel like I live in the depths rather than the shallows if that makes sense. If fact one of my friends frequently jokes that I’ve “been off swimming in the deep waters again” when I’ve been out of contact for a while. I’ll have to give that question some real thought and get back to you because I can’t think of anything right now. Hopefully something will come up soon which will help me answer.
 
The possibility of what Gilly_flower? I don’t understand, please can you explain?
 
A Baptist minister’s wife must be Baptist. The Baptist minister would not be employed for long if he did not have unity of Faith in his home life.
 
I will tell you what happened to me.
I left an abusive marriage with 2 small children and raised them as a single parent. I never ran into a man who was interested, and I lived in a large city. I was a single parent for 17 years. I gave up on finding someone, and told Jesus that he would need to be my husband.
I began the procedure to adopt as a single. I tried overseas adoptions, but none ever worked out. At work. I met a man and fell in love. I’ll skip the details, but we got married and after the required 2 years, signed up as foster parents (my husband was unable to have more children)-- and 6 weeks after finishing the foster-adoption program, were given a 2 year old boy. A year later we were given a 10 month old girl. My husband’s daughter from a previous relationship came to live with us at 16.
I had envisioned a lonely old age, but now my house is full-- 3 grandkids, 5 kids who are all over the place but 3 in my city.
I suggest you check out foster-adoption. I found it as easy to love a foster child as a biochild.
 
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I do indeed mean the minister…you shouldn’t dismiss a good Christian man simply because he is “the wrong brand”…
 
Thanks for clarifying Gilly. My only other relationship was with the son of a Baptist minister so I have a good idea of what being a Baptist minister’s wife would mean for both parties.

I am open to dating and marrying someone who isn’t Catholic providing that they would be prepared to marry in the church and support children being raised Catholic (as is part of the wedding ceremony). This would not be possible with a Baptist pastor as they would have to marry in a Baptist service and do not believe in infant baptism. I could also cause grave problems if I was seen to not be supporting a Baptist minister husband by attending his services, helping him within the church etc. I couldn’t really continue to be a practising catholic as a Baptist Minister’s wife. As The Little Lady points out, a Baptist minister needs a United home.

It seems doomed to fail.

I just see all I’d have to give up and I’m not sure any man is worth giving up my faith for and I don’t think any woman is worth giving up service to the Lord for. Certain denominations are complimentary but Catholicism and Baptist tradition don’t seem to work when one of a couple is an Pastor.

If he wasnt a pastor or if he belonged to a different denomination I would surely consider it. Thank you for your suggestion though, I appreciate it.
 
Viki63 Thank you for sharing your beautiful story about your own journey. I’m in the process financially and emotionally so that adopting or fostering is an option and, I hope this is not heretical, I believe in “spiritual children”. What I mean to say is, perhaps God has an idea of which parents and children may be best for each other, even if they aren’t biologically related. He gives us children who need us. I have no doubt from my past work that God has blessed me with a gift in caring for children and a strong maternal instinct. I cannot believe he has given me these gifts for no reason. Motherhood is my vocation, without a shadow of a doubt. I also always wanted to adopt as well as have biological children, from being a small child myself. I keep running into foster mothers locally and they have given me confidence I could do it. I am about to move to a home with extra bedrooms, specifically so I could welcome a child in. Financially and emotionally once I can afford to support a child, I’m more than ready and have enough experience with troubled and disabled children to open my heart and my home to the child or children God wants to entrust to me.

Doing it alone is scary though! Also I worry that, having never had a marital relationship, that being so inexperienced might be of detriment to a child as they become teenagers and adults and get into relationships etc. Perhaps that is a ridiculous worry. Dating and relationships seem such a big part of life but I’ve only had the one unsucessful relationship and have so little advice or help to offer in this area.

I realise I’m massively jumping the gun though haha!
 
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Thank you, I will read the book. It’s very comforting to know Emily did eventually marry too.
 
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