How to learn how to have sex?

[Falco]

Pornography is sex for smut, and 99% of people do not react like porn stars in bed. To film and show average sex would not sell movies!!!

I found The Joy of Sex a useful book, way, way back in my younger days. It was illustrated with pastel drawings, not photos, and not embarrassing to look at.

The Karma Sutra is for contortionists I reckon. It is about performance, not love.

Decades can go past, and you will still be discovering new techniques and erogenous zones.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Can you show me a place it’s disallowed for a husband and wife? There are lots of sexy movies that aren’t “porn” and lots of instructional videos about sex that can be had online and from the library. A lot of couples like porn - not the ugly stuff - and they have fun watching., It’s not very instructive though. They can do what they like as far as I know.

I really can’t believe that you’re defending one’s “right” to watch porn. Lots of things can be done technically or even legally but are totally IMMORAL.

For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

There. In plain English from the Bible. We are called to holiness in ALL aspects of our lives at ALL times. We can’t pick and choose. Porn, smut, books like 50 Shades of Gray, raunchy cable shows, whatever–you can do it but would you be embarrassed if Jesus was watching you? Please don’t justify immoral behavior!

 

[mdleagedguy]

This is a little embarrassing, but here goes. Heck, it’s anonymous. More foreplay focusing on what your wife finds pleasing will help her out. Foreplay that isn’t directly stimulating for you, and greater frequency of relations can help with the other problem, as in multiple times per day if you’re young enough. Seriously. When we were first married, my wife and I averaged three times a day. 21 years later, that’s no longer possible physically, and also because of all the kids, but it very much increased stamina back when it was possible. But stamina is not the end all and be all of loving one’s wife. If you are both in tune with each other, four minutes is as good as a half hour. No, it’s actually better than a half hour because it can be much more intense. At any rate, it gets better and better with time and age. Most of that is because of so much practice at it.

Practice with a sense of fun and relaxation. Practice makes perfect. It’s not about meeting some objective standard, but finding out what you enjoy. Even after 21 years, my wife and I sometimes find new things that we like. We didn’t need any books, but some people might. Mostly, it was communication and a continued desire for emotional closeness. The greatest sex organ is between the ears. Looking at a book might give you specific techniques, but that’s not a substitute for the emotional connection. That part is really the key.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Oh for goodness sake! **The last thing this couple needs is to be “circumspect and cautious” about their sex lives from the sound of things. ** You know, I was thinking about a TV show called “Sherlock” where something happened that was pretty much PG rated but would have been nice to try with my husband and lead to fun times. If you don’t know what you like, look for some ideas.

In case you weren’t aware, chastity is called for, even in marriage. It isn’t a “free for all.”

OP, I would strongly caution you to look at resources (such as Holy Sex) that are consistent with Church doctrine on sex or be VERY careful with the secular ones. There is a reason the Church has a theology on sexuality and sadly, even Catholics are either ignorant of them or refuse to accept them.

*More people go to hell for sins of the flesh than for any other reason. * Our Lady of Fatima

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I really can’t believe that you’re defending one’s “right” to watch porn. Lots of things can be done technically or even legally but are totally IMMORAL.

For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

There. In plain English from the Bible. We are called to holiness in ALL aspects of our lives at ALL times. We can’t pick and choose. Porn, smut, books like 50 Shades of Gray, raunchy cable shows, whatever–you can do it but would you be embarrassed if Jesus was watching you? Please don’t justify immoral behavior!

Haven’t you seen the Planned Parenthood defense she posts whenever the subject arises? I don’t know how this manages to elude the moderators. Perhaps because she’s so CHARITABLE while defending the largest abortion provider in the world…

:banghead:

 

[Cat]

Those books are not good at all…they are extremely secular and could easily lead this couple into sin by the looks. They may also encourage oral sex which is an absolute no-no in the catholic church obviously. I think it would be wise for the original poster to listen to the advice of everyone on here who has said Practice, and also Pray about it too

My husband and I have been married for 33.5 years. We were virgins when we married.

Oral sex is NOT an “absolute no-no in the catholic church.” Oral sex can be used by Catholics as foreplay. If the OP and his wife have not tried it, they should. To the OP–be very slow and gentle–oral sex can get irritating for some women. Think “feather-light.”

To the poster who recommended the oil–I wouldn’t like this at all. :dts: I don’t like to feel “greasy.” But this just goes to show that every woman is different.

I would recommend a sex manual to the OP and his wife. There is nothing pornographic about a manual that describes different techniques and has illustrations. Remember, everyone, this is a married couple. It’s OK if they get aroused reading the sex manual and studying the illustrations.

 

[ilovemywife]

Thanks cat…thankfully, I do have oral sex on my side. It is about the only thing I have going for me to be brutally honest…I have that down to a science…but I would really like to be better at everything else!

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

My husband and I have been married for 33.5 years. We were virgins when we married.

Oral sex is NOT an “absolute no-no in the catholic church.” Oral sex can be used by Catholics as foreplay. If the OP and his wife have not tried it, they should. To the OP–be very slow and gentle–oral sex can get irritating for some women. Think “feather-light.”

To the poster who recommended the oil–I wouldn’t like this at all. :dts: I don’t like to feel “greasy.” But this just goes to show that every woman is different.

I would recommend a sex manual to the OP and his wife. There is nothing pornographic about a manual that describes different techniques and has illustrations. Remember, everyone, this is a married couple. It’s OK if they get aroused reading the sex manual and studying the illustrations.

People are getting tripped up on the wording. When they read “oral sex” they think of orally stimulating someone until they reach orgasm (Which is sinful if you are a man). People like to make the distinction of calling it “oral stimulation”. It is kind of important because if you say oral sex is okay readers will go ahead and do it without knowing they can’t finish with oral sex, but sometimes people get a little scrupulous about the wording, not that people being terribly scrupulous around here should shock anyone.

 

[underacloud]

Thanks cat…thankfully, I do have oral sex on my side. It is about the only thing I have going for me to be brutally honest…I have that down to a science…but I would really like to be better at everything else!

Maybe you should be writing the books instead of reading them.

As for being better at “everything else”…I’m not sure how much more you think there is. Oral stimulation, manual stimulation, and loads of different positions, but only a few that are practical or enjoyable for most people.

Other than these technicalities, it then comes down to the more important psychological factors - romance, communication, intimacy. Spending time talking with each other, and unwinding so you’re both relaxed. This can be hard when you have kids (we have 4), but it’s also crucial for the two of you to have some bonding time alone together. The things you do long before you start to undress each other are more important than any techniques you’ll learn from books etc. (not to say that you are falling short in this regard, because I wouldn’t know).

 

[Falco]

Those books are not good at all…they are extremely secular and could easily lead this couple into sin by the looks. They may also encourage oral sex which is an absolute no-no in the catholic church obviously. I think it would be wise for the original poster to listen to the advice of everyone on here who has said Practice, and also Pray about it too

Oral sex as part of stimulation is fine, according to the Church - they just don’t allow completion of the act this way (though accidents do happen while you are learning)

 

[ilovemywife]

Maybe you should be writing the books instead of reading them.

As for being better at “everything else”…I’m not sure how much more you think there is. Oral stimulation, manual stimulation, and loads of different positions, but only a few that are practical or enjoyable for most people.

Other than these technicalities, it then comes down to the more important psychological factors - romance, communication, intimacy. Spending time talking with each other, and unwinding so you’re both relaxed. This can be hard when you have kids (we have 4), but it’s also crucial for the two of you to have some bonding time alone together. The things you do long before you start to undress each other are more important than any techniques you’ll learn from books etc. (not to say that you are falling short in this regard, because I wouldn’t know).

Maybe there isnt as much to it as i thought? Hmm. That would be a relief! What I would really like is to be able to please her during intercourse. That is a complete mystery to me and I don’t even know where to begin! The thought of being able to hold her and be close and look into her eyes when she climaxes sounds like a dream come true. Instead, the only way I know how involves us being basically seperated. And sometimes she just doesn’t want that, so to have another path to take would be awesome! It almost happened once, but I messed that up… gotta figure that problem out before we get anywhere I believe…

 

[underacloud]

Without getting too graphic, there are positions in which manual stimulation is possible in conjunction with intercourse. You could explore this.

Other than that, play around with different positions to see what works well. As described before, woman on top or side-by-side is known to help men with control as there is less tension on the man’s lower body muscles.

But you may have to accept that perhaps your wife is one of the many women who simply don’t climax via intercourse. There’s nothing wrong with that and taking care of her needs before yours is a loving path that man husbands tread.

 

[ilovemywife]

I truly don’t believe that she is unable. Like I said, it almost happened one time…until I screwed up. I wish I could remember what it was that worked, but it was so long ago!

Thanks for the help everyone. I feel so much better than when I posted this thread. I was almost in tears from hopelessness, shame, and embarassment. Now I don’t feel quite as bad and once again I amlooking forward to the next time instead of fearing it.

I wonder if she has plans for tomorrow night, because I think I might…

 

[1inICXC]

Maybe you should be writing the books instead of reading them.

As for being better at “everything else”…I’m not sure how much more you think there is. Oral stimulation, manual stimulation, and loads of different positions, but only a few that are practical or enjoyable for most people.

Other than these technicalities, it then comes down to the more important psychological factors - romance, communication, intimacy. Spending time talking with each other, and unwinding so you’re both relaxed. This can be hard when you have kids (we have 4), but it’s also crucial for the two of you to have some bonding time alone together. The things you do long before you start to undress each other are more important than any techniques you’ll learn from books etc. (not to say that you are falling short in this regard, because I wouldn’t know).

Agreed!!
As frustrating as it sometimes is, the one thing that keeps everything new and exciting for us is the (lack of) frequency. We are following the strictest NFP rules and because I have a rather short lutheal phase we get very few days in a month (and due to sickness or exhaustion or deadlines we don’t even get to take advantage of all of them most months), this makes EVERY encounter so meaningful and amazing.
I sometimes wonder if we’d ever enjoy it and look forward to it as much if we could do it any time. Knowing our temperament and judging from past experience , I think no.

At the same time, this is imposed on us, I don’t think we’d have it in us to wait it out if we had a choice.

 

[LaSainte]

I really can’t believe that you’re defending one’s “right” to watch porn. Lots of things can be done technically or even legally but are totally IMMORAL.

For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever modest, whatsoever just, whatsoever holy, whatsoever lovely, whatsoever of good fame, if there be any virtue, if any praise of discipline, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

There. In plain English from the Bible. We are called to holiness in ALL aspects of our lives at ALL times. We can’t pick and choose. Porn, smut, books like 50 Shades of Gray, raunchy cable shows, whatever–you can do it but would you be embarrassed if Jesus was watching you? Please don’t justify immoral behavior!

I’m not advocating porn, but I would be embarrassed if Jesus was watching me do a lot of things, like using the restroom or having sex with my husband. It doesn’t make them immoral. Looking at a book with drawings so that one can learn how to have better sex with his spouse is not immoral, IMO.

 

[LaSainte]

The elusive g-spot! It is located a few inches in and on the side of the vaginal wall closest to the tummy, not the back. After a fair amount of foreplay and rhythmic stimulation to that area, it can happen. It is not an “every time” thing though…it usually just “happens”, at least for us

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This thread is getting pretty graphic.

 

[sj2]

Okay, I don’t want to, but I feel compelled to comment on this thread since I’m not sure this perspective was given yet.

I do not discuss these things with even strangers on the internet, it is between my husband and myself, but suffice it to say–I am not a prude. We have fun. I’ve read instructional-type of help books in this area (none of which were geared towards turning the reader on, just simply being helpful) If your wife was me (and we sound a bit similar), this is what my thoughts would be. (Your wife, obviously, is not me, so take it or leave it, just don’t be insulted by what I’m going to say . . .)

If OP’s wife was me, I would say: “Let it go! Oh, my, gosh. From reading this thread, you know what you’re doing. We’ve made babies. You’ve explored other methods and helped me ‘get to the goal.’ I am sorry if we can’t reach the goal at the same time in the manner you (and I!) would like. But we can’t. When you obsess over reaching that goal together in the “normal” way, it makes me feel broken. You are stressed, I am under great pressure to perform, and it makes things worse. I am just not built that way. I can’t do it. I’ve tried. We’ve tried. I don’t want to feel broken anymore. If I tell you I enjoyed it, even though I didn’t ‘get to the goal’ please believe me. I am not tricking you, I am not lying, I truly enjoyed it. Let’s just have fun with each other. I don’t want to be responsible for you ‘feeling like a man’ I just want to love you.”

Your insecurities might be really making your wife feel terrible . . . and responsible.

 

[dshix]

This thread is getting pretty graphic.

It is. I hope this doesn’t escalate too much.

 

[Reverie]

Can you show me a place it’s disallowed for a husband and wife? There are lots of sexy movies that aren’t “porn” and lots of instructional videos about sex that can be had online and from the library. A lot of couples like porn - not the ugly stuff - and they have fun watching., It’s not very instructive though. They can do what they like as far as I know.

The problem with porn and soft porn (sexy movies) is that it is objectifying the body. There is usually lust involved and often times, the couples depicted are not married. I think it is a good thing all around to steer away from watching actors do the deed. As a catholic, I feel that the dignity of the Renewal Of the Marriage Promise (ROMP) should protected from view.

Sorry, I had to. I love that acronym.