How to learn how to have sex?

[KostyaJMJ]

You know, it isn’t a contest or anything…

Don’t give the pursuit of sexual pleasure an inordinate place in your relationship.

 

[Cat]

I truly don’t believe that she is unable. Like I said, it almost happened one time…until I screwed up. I wish I could remember what it was that worked, but it was so long ago!

Thanks for the help everyone. I feel so much better than when I posted this thread. I was almost in tears from hopelessness, shame, and embarassment. Now I don’t feel quite as bad and once again I amlooking forward to the next time instead of fearing it.

I wonder if she has plans for tomorrow night, because I think I might…

Did you know that only a small percentage of women, around 13-17%, depending on which research paper you read, is able to climax during intercourse?

I hope that makes you feel better about things.

 

[ilovemywife]

Did you know that only a small percentage of women, around 13-17%, depending on which research paper you read, is able to climax during intercourse?

I hope that makes you feel better about things.

WOW! That’s hard to believe! It does make me feel better if it actually happens that it doesn’t happen. I don’t think I’m going to use those bad odds as an excuse to not try though.

I do wonder if the 83-87% are unable because they are actually physically unable no matter what or if it is because their partner is not knowledgeable/not good enough/not caring enough/does not have enough stamina etc for it to happen.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

I’m not advocating porn, but I would be embarrassed if Jesus was watching me do a lot of things, like using the restroom or having sex with my husband. It doesn’t make them immoral.** Looking at a book with drawings so that one can learn how to have better sex with his spouse is not immoral, IMO**.

Can you demonstrate where I said this?

In fact I specifically told the OP to avoid porn and read books that were in line with Church doctrine, based on ToB, and to be extremely cautious with secular sources. If you read carefully, you will see that I’m referring to PORN. There was a poster who suggested porn used by married couples is OK and it’s not. And using the restroom and having sex within marriage are natural and there is nothing shameful about that. Remember Adam and Eve running around naked in the Garden? Porn is a sick distortion of reality and one should be ashamed to watch it.

 

[Cat]

WOW! That’s hard to believe! It does make me feel better if it actually happens that it doesn’t happen. I don’t think I’m going to use those bad odds as an excuse to not try though.

I do wonder if the 83-87% are unable because they are actually physically unable no matter what or if it is because their partner is not knowledgeable/not good enough/not caring enough/does not have enough stamina etc for it to happen.

Please remember that I have been married to the same man for 33.5 years. He is the only man I have ever been with.

Listen, sir–this is not worth obsessing over. Stop thinking about it, because it’s not a big deal. You’re fantasizing about something that really isn’t much at all.

I wish I could be more explicit without crossing a line and offending people.

And please stop obsessing about your skills or supposed lack of skills. Sexual pleasure for your wife isn’t about what YOU do–it’s about what SHE does.

A woman has to learn to experience pleasure herself and not expect someone to do something to give her that pleasure.

I’m NOT talking about masturbating! And I’m not saying that a woman should keep quiet and force herself to enjoy anything her husband does to her. Of course a woman should speak up and ask for what she wants, and tell her husband if he is doing something that is unpleasant or painful.)

Again, I wish with all my heart that I could be more specific. Please google “Kegel exercises” and this will explain some of what I’m talking about. There are certain muscles that a woman can use to experience great pleasure. You can’t do this for her.

As for your question about whether women are unable to experience orgasm during interourse because of something about their bodies, or because their husband is unskilled–does it really matter? Like I said, it’s not worth worrying about. *For a woman, an orgasm doesn’t need to happen during intercourse to be pleasurable. *From the articles that I have read, the answer to this question seems to be more because of the wife’s body rather than the skill of the husband, so you see, you really can’t change the way God made your wife.

You seem to be turning the act of love into a sport, and it’s not. No one is keeping score or stats, and there is no 6.0 in the bedroom. Sex is about expressing love for each other, not experiencing some kind of thrill.

I hope my comments are helpful to you and others.

 

[LaSainte]

I agree with some posters here. Don’t obsess. It’s like when you’re trying to get pregnant and the sex becomes all about that. It becomes a chore. Your wife doesn’t need to feel like a machine that you are learning how to “work”. It will take the fun out of it. This kind of thing often happens when you’re not trying so hard!

 

[ilovemywife]

Please remember that I have been married to the same man for 33.5 years. He is the only man I have ever been with.

Listen, sir–this is not worth obsessing over. Stop thinking about it, because it’s not a big deal. You’re fantasizing about something that really isn’t much at all.

I wish I could be more explicit without crossing a line and offending people.

And please stop obsessing about your skills or supposed lack of skills. Sexual pleasure for your wife isn’t about what YOU do–it’s about what SHE does.

A woman has to learn to experience pleasure herself and not expect someone to do something to give her that pleasure.

I’m NOT talking about masturbating! And I’m not saying that a woman should keep quiet and force herself to enjoy anything her husband does to her. Of course a woman should speak up and ask for what she wants, and tell her husband if he is doing something that is unpleasant or painful.)

Again, I wish with all my heart that I could be more specific. Please google “Kegel exercises” and this will explain some of what I’m talking about. There are certain muscles that a woman can use to experience great pleasure. You can’t do this for her.

As for your question about whether women are unable to experience orgasm during interourse because of something about their bodies, or because their husband is unskilled–does it really matter? Like I said, it’s not worth worrying about. *For a woman, an orgasm doesn’t need to happen during intercourse to be pleasurable. *From the articles that I have read, the answer to this question seems to be more because of the wife’s body rather than the skill of the husband, so you see, you really can’t change the way God made your wife.

You seem to be turning the act of love into a sport, and it’s not. No one is keeping score or stats, and there is no 6.0 in the bedroom. Sex is about expressing love for each other, not experiencing some kind of thrill.

I hope my comments are helpful to you and others.

Thank you for all you have said to help. I appreciate it more than you know.

Just to clear the issue, I am not obsessing about it…anymore. When I started this thread, I was in a state of near ‘panic’ and was feeling really down on myself. You and everyone else have talked me out of that position…‘off the ledge’ for lack of better terms. I am much more comfortable and relaxed about it all now.

The part about capability to finish via intercourse was not another example of me obsessing. That was genuine curiousity. The concept of someone being able to enjoy intercourse even without orgasm is a new thought for me and a tad difficult to understand sometimes. Granted, I enjoy all of the act, not just the ‘end’. So it is getting easier for me to grasp that concept.

I know it seems like I may be turning into a sport and I apologize for that. I just want to be able to treat my wife right–in all aspects of our life. I’ve got the rest of it all down pat and I am not a person who is ever capable of settling for mediocre when I have control over a task or situation. I simply can’t stand not being good at something. Guess I’ll have to get on the practice advice ASAP.

Thanks to EVERYONE who has helped on this thread. A little bit more info and knowledge has helped my feelings immensely. I apologize if some of it got to explicit for some people, but please know that some people really do need this help and have nowhere else to get it. Not all of us were given much (or any in our case) education about sex from our parents growing up. We are going to be sure to do this differently while raising our kids. We have gone through some tough times due to lack of knowledge regarding sex and I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with it, especially our kids.

 

[ilovemywife]

I agree with some posters here. Don’t obsess. It’s like when you’re trying to get pregnant and the sex becomes all about that. It becomes a chore. Your wife doesn’t need to feel like a machine that you are learning how to “work”. It will take the fun out of it. This kind of thing often happens when you’re not trying so hard!

We haven’t ever had to put too much effort into getting pregnant…lol…not a good analogy here…

Maybe not trying so hard will help my other issue also. I really think that is probably the bigger problem in all of this.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Practice and communication is the key. It’s doesn’t happen overnight.

For the first part of the bolded statement, trust me, even experts don’t have that one figured out. It isn’t easy and there’s no mechanism that just brings simultenous orgasm about.

Well, I’m may not be an expert, but I’ve figured it out. I’ll avoid being graphic, and just say it’s a combination of the couple being relaxed, in the mood, and body positioning by both parties, in particular the man.