How to live with regret over my marriage?

[MJJean]

Thank you all, these are all VERY great replies. To clarify some questions…

Yes, we are still very much together. He is a good/loving man. He has some habits/personality traits that I find very bothersome and I guess I start feeling like I should’ve seen the writing on the wall when we were dating. For example (and not to be a negative Nancy but for the sake of explaining my reason for saying that I married the wrong man):

 -He is not a motivated person, definitely not a go-getter and very complacent.  He does hold down a job and works hard (brownie points there!) but he contributes very little to our family in the way of planning ANYTHING (our future, our decisions, finances, what we do/see/eat on any given day)
-He is not a leader at ALL.  I wear the pants.  I plan everything.  I decide everything because he refuses too.  Not sexy. 
 -He is lazy.  He will wait days to shower and will start to smell which I find very unattractive, offensive, and gross.  I have told him this but he still does it.  
 -He doesn't take care of his health.  He doesn't get enough sleep and he stays up too late, rendering him too tired and essentially useless to our family
 -He objectifies me sexually and makes me uncomfortable.  I cringe.  I love sex and romance too but it's always about him being forward and grabby with my body parts and it does not make me feel loved, romantic or open.  I've explained these feelings to him but he doesn't "get it" (and has said so).

I do like his company and he has a great sense of humor but the above-mentioned “items” can be very challenging. And yes, I am at times disappointed that he isn’t “Catholic enough” but I’ve learned to let that one go since we do go to mass regularly and he prays with our kids.

I understand regretting who you married.

I married when I was 19 solely because I accidentally got pregnant (birth control fail) and thought it was the right thing to do. There was infidelity (both sides) within a couple weeks of the marriage. He refused to keep a steady job and when he did work he blew his money on “stuff” and going out, so we were always flat broke and had to ask his mother for help. When I worked he would do things like leave the baby in her crib, soaked the the skin, poopy, hungry, etc. He lied like a rug, even about lying. He stole from employers and even his own parents (cash, forged checks, pawned his mom’s jewelry). He was also physically and mentally abusive.

Within 5 years I realized there was nothing I could do, he wasn’t interested in being a decent person, and I left with the girls (a second child was born during the marriage, also a birth control fail).

I remarried a great guy, but he’s not without faults. He has no interest in doing any housework or yard work, he doesn’t want to plan for the future and he leaves me to do the budgeting and bill paying as well as car care, purchases, research into whatever we may be purchasing, etc. He works long hours, usually 50+ per week plus drive time, and he figures I have more time to take care of things so I should. I’m ok with that. He does his job and we more or less consider everything else my job since I am a stay at home mom. Is it ideal that I do everything but go to a job that gives out a paycheck at the end of the week? No. But it works.

I didn’t see anything in your post that can’t either be forgiven or fixed. You wear the pants, so be it. That’s something I have learned to enjoy and just let it go. At least someone you trust in in charge, right?

Your husband isn’t taking care of himself physically. So, get on him. Talk to him about it. Often. Tell him he needs to get into a routine of sleeping at least 6.5 hours a night, showering at least every other day and preferably daily, and get into a routine of eating right and being more physically active. These are things he needs to do for you, for the kids, and for himself. Herd him into the shower or bed at a decent hour if you need to.

The way he touches you and how you feel unloved is also fixable. He needs to understand your point of view and you need to understand his. Once you have understanding you can work toward making positive changes. If he honestly doesn’t understand how you feel and why you could investigate a counselor to help you both understand each other’s point of view and to give you the tools needed to make those changes.

You also might want to have him see someone about possibly being depressed. His apathy when it comes to day to day life and the future, his lack of motivation as well as his laziness and bad personal grooming habits are common signs of depression.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Thank you all, these are all VERY great replies. To clarify some questions…

Yes, we are still very much together. He is a good/loving man. He has some habits/personality traits that I find very bothersome and I guess I start feeling like I should’ve seen the writing on the wall when we were dating. For example (and not to be a negative Nancy but for the sake of explaining my reason for saying that I married the wrong man):

 -He is not a motivated person, definitely not a go-getter and very complacent.  He does hold down a job and works hard (brownie points there!) but he contributes very little to our family in the way of planning ANYTHING (our future, our decisions, finances, what we do/see/eat on any given day)

Many people just aren’t good planners. Ask him to sit down with you when you plan. Show him how you do it and maybe he’ll pick up on it. If he’s making a reasonable income now, he may not be motivated to move up at work. Many times the stress isn’t worth the increased pay.

-He is not a leader at ALL. I wear the pants. I plan everything. I decide everything because he refuses too. Not sexy.
Does he refuse? Or do you just get to it before he does? If you are a good planner and natural leader and he is not, there is no harm in you being the family planner. Don’t think of it as a man/woman thing. Who plans out the vacation iternerary is not something that registers on the sexy/not sexy scale usually.

 -He is lazy.  He will wait days to shower and will start to smell which I find very unattractive, offensive, and gross.  I have told him this but he still does it.

I’m suprised his co-workers don’t also say anything. This is not a good habit at all. Not necessarily related to being lazy, but not healthy. Has he always done this or is this recent? Could be a sign of depression. If this is an issue of sexual attraction only - make showering a part of your foreplay.

 -He doesn't take care of his health.  He doesn't get enough sleep and he stays up too late, rendering him too tired and essentially useless to our family

Is this weekends only? Or does this interfer with his work schedule also. Is staying up late how he blows off steam at the end of the week? There are lots of good tips out there about how to make it easier to get into a good sleep habit. Turning off the TV sooner, not eating late or drinking alcohol up until bedtime, etc.

 -He objectifies me sexually and makes me uncomfortable.  I cringe.  I love sex and romance too but it's always about him being forward and grabby with my body parts and it does not make me feel loved, romantic or open.  I've explained these feelings to him but he doesn't "get it" (and has said so).

Be specific about what you don’t like and what you do. Very specific. Show him, tell him. Don’t just say “I don’t like…” but also say “I do like…”

I do like his company and he has a great sense of humor but the above-mentioned “items” can be very challenging. And yes, I am at times disappointed that he isn’t “Catholic enough” but I’ve learned to let that one go since we do go to mass regularly and he prays with our kids.

Wonderful that he goes to Mass and prays regularly - that’s a huge plus. Everyone’s idea of what is “Catholic enough” varies, so good that you are letting that go.

Has he been to a dr recently? See if you can get him an end of year physical. There may be a physical element associated with the sleep and hygene issues.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Some of the issues you point out (sleep, hygiene, lack of motivation) can be manifestations of a health issue - depression being a common one. Or, it could be primarily a sleep problem - and that manifests itself in the lack of motivation and the hygiene issues.

ALL marriages go through high and low points. EVERY married person has days when life is all sunshine and roses and days when they want to strangle their spouse - and maybe throw the kids out the door after them.

I agree with the PPs - love is a decision; it’s not a “feeling”. “Feelings” are fleeting things. They’re great for bringing people together, don’t get me wrong. They’re important at the beginning of a relationship. But they can’t ALWAYS be present. The true challenge is being able to see the same man who once brought you flowers and candy even though he just threw up all over the bed two minutes ago at 3 a.m. after you’d spent half the night dealing with kids who’ve got the stomach flu. You make a conscious choice to love your spouse, warts and all.

The other thing that may be at issue (and I think it’s a common issue in marriages, particularly after kids come along) is whether or not you’re working on your marriage. I think it’s pretty common that people spend a lot of time making memories and special moments early in a relationship, but then kind of get used to the “same old, same old” after awhile (particularly right after marriage) and forget that you still NEED those special moments. I think this is particularly common after children are born, because you tend to focus all of your time on the children and their needs. One of the best pieces of advice DH and I got before we were married is that marriage is a verb (an action word), not a noun (a person, place, or thing). You need to take time out to work on your marriage as a couple. If getting away for a weekend or even a night isn’t possible, you might even just think about putting the kids to bed a little early and spending some time sharing a bottle of wine together. DH and I like to watch our favourite TV shows together in the evening after DSD goes to bed (she’s 9). This is our “bonding time” as a couple. Occasionally, when DSD is at her mom’s (she lives with us half-time), DH and I will go and do something special, just the two of us. It could be something as simple as me dropping him off at work for the night shift, or something more elaborate, such as going out for a meal together. It doesn’t have to be fancy - it just has to be OUR time together.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…
-He is not a motivated person, definitely not a go-getter and very complacent. He does hold down a job and works hard (brownie points there!) but he contributes very little to our family in the way of planning ANYTHING (our future, our decisions, finances, what we do/see/eat on any given day)
-He is not a leader at ALL. I wear the pants. I plan everything. I decide everything because he refuses too. Not sexy.
-He is lazy. He will wait days to shower and will start to smell which I find very unattractive, offensive, and gross. I have told him this but he still does it.
-He doesn’t take care of his health. He doesn’t get enough sleep and he stays up too late, rendering him too tired and essentially useless to our family
-He objectifies me sexually and makes me uncomfortable. I cringe. I love sex and romance too but it’s always about him being forward and grabby with my body parts and it does not make me feel loved, romantic or open. I’ve explained these feelings to him but he doesn’t “get it” (and has said so).

I do like his company and he has a great sense of humor but the above-mentioned “items” can be very challenging. And yes, I am at times disappointed that he isn’t “Catholic enough” but I’ve learned to let that one go since we do go to mass regularly and he prays with our kids.

Well, now we can try to answer questions you didn’t ask, such as:
*“How do I live with someone who doesn’t shower regularly?” *You say you have told him, but clearly it has not resolved the issue. First you should realize that not all cultures shower and bathe as regularly as we do, so it’s probably not laziness but rather habits and perceived need. Whenever you perceive he needs a shower, try saying something like, “Please go shower immediately. It is hard to be in the room with you right now because of your body odor.” Just because you’ve said it a dozen times, that doesn’t mean you won’t needed again. You may need to be his nose as well as his wife. Men often do not have as strong a sense of smell as women.

As to the reported lack of motivation, lack of leadership, etc., I suggest that you and your husband may be nice compliments to each other. There may be a good reason why he pursued and selected you for his wife. I suggest you read the book, “The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse” by Art and Lorraine Bennett, (The four temperaments were discussed recently on another thread.) Not every male has the personality of a “natural born leader”, but your husband likely has other strengths that you are taking for granted.

As for his “grabbiness”, I will point out that you said that he was not a leader “at all” but then write that he’s very forward. Hmm. You may be sending mixed messages to him–on the one hand you want him to take the lead, but when he does in the area of romance, you find fault with him for how he does it. Maybe that’s what he “doesn’t get.” “Grabbiness” certainly does sound annoying, but it also sounds like he finds you desirable and attractive enough to motivate him to action.

And getting back to that first point I made, and tying this all together, perhaps instead of the blunt demand that he take a shower, try mixing in some romance with showers and baths on a regular basis. Of course, that might require that you take the lead once again, but it might help get both the romance you desire and a clean husband.

 

[Xantippe]

revertgirl:

“-He is not a motivated person, definitely not a go-getter and very complacent. He does hold down a job and works hard (brownie points there!) but he contributes very little to our family in the way of planning ANYTHING (our future, our decisions, finances, what we do/see/eat on any given day)
-He is not a leader at ALL. I wear the pants. I plan everything. I decide everything because he refuses too. Not sexy.”

How about rephrase this and think of him as being contented, not complacent.

“-He is lazy. He will wait days to shower and will start to smell which I find very unattractive, offensive, and gross. I have told him this but he still does it.”

He is not the only guy who does this. I once knew an Southeastern European guy (a young guy, too) who bragged about only washing his long hair once (!) a month. There is a lot of variation in bathing around the world. I have an Eastern European relative who says that Americans bathe daily and grocery shop once a week while Europeans bathe weekly and grocery shop daily.

As you are the planner, figure out what bathing schedule he needs to stick to to avoid becoming offensive and make sure he has the time to do it. One option is to stick a Post It note on your bathroom mirror (or wherever he’ll see it) with a reminder when it’s time.

“-He doesn’t take care of his health. He doesn’t get enough sleep and he stays up too late, rendering him too tired and essentially useless to our family”

How about a bath at night to make him sleepier?

You can talk to him about his sleep problems and work on the schedule. If he says he’s tired in the morning, work on getting you both to bed a bit earlier at night. It may be that he genuinely has some sort of sleep issue and he needs to look into the medical side of this.

“-He objectifies me sexually and makes me uncomfortable. I cringe. I love sex and romance too but it’s always about him being forward and grabby with my body parts and it does not make me feel loved, romantic or open. I’ve explained these feelings to him but he doesn’t “get it” (and has said so).”

I suggest you read some of the archives of Julia Grey’s Why Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With You with your husband, pointing out some problem areas. Here are some of her posts you may identify with:

juliagrey.wordpress.com/details-details/disgust/

juliagrey.wordpress.com/challenges/anger/

I’m sure you hate all of this stuff, but it’s not unusually heinous behavior. It’s standard issue American husband behavior, and there are probably tens of millions of guys who do exactly the same stuff. In fact, the odds are that if you had married a more Catholic guy, he would still do a lot of these very same things.

 

[Origen52]

As someone else has pointed out, a lot of the behaviours your husband exhibits are indicative of serious depression. You may not be the only one thinking they’ve married the wrong person. As for his lack of faith, you’re not going to make him more catholic by presenting his weak faith as another way in which he has disappointed you.

If you are going to stay with this man, you have got to start changing the relationship beginning with the person you have most control over, yourself. Praying, complaining, posting on this forum is not enough, you need objective, experienced guidance to improve your marriage. The church has some excellent marriage counselling courses, they may be what both of you need.