How to mend a broken family relationship

[Serap]

My husband, me and my sister-in-law and her husband own a house together. We split it into a duplex, so that we can be around to help my SIL care for her disabled elderly mom.

In October, my MIL got a virus and she was hospitalized for 3 days. A week after she was released, my husband and his sister had the fight of the century. It ended with my husband throwing a box of cheerios and bottles of vitamins on my SIL’s kitchen floor. He then stormed upstairs telling me he’s done with his sister. My husband lost it b/c my SIL was acting like her usual resentful self and began expressing her frustrations of looking after her mother. My husband told her that he was tired of hearing all the complaining and next thing I knew, it was an all out battle. My husband lost it when my SIL told my husband that he does nothing to help her take care of their mother. This is so not true. My husband and I are always always helping…the difference is that SIL is the primary caregiver. Whenever we offer to help, my SIL turns it down. We then stop offering and then she complains that we are not doing enough. We then start offering again, and she again says no.

Issue: MIL had a stroke 13 years ago and since then, my SIL has been her primary caregiver. My MIL is a very difficult and demanding woman and expects the world at her feet NOW. My SIL has found this very difficult and while we do help how we can, my SIL is the primary caregiver and she is very resentful and angry towards me and my husband b/c we don’t have the burden of looking after the mother.

So b/c my husband and SIL had a huge fight, now my SIL won’t speak to me either or let me have anything to do with their daughter (my god daughter and niece). This is very hurtful b/c my niece really loved me and she probably doesn’t know me anymore. She was only 11 months old last October.

We did not speak to eachother over Christmas and b/c my MIL lives with SIL, we have also had no interaction with my husband’s mother. She deeply misses her son (my husband).

There is not much I can do. No one has been on speaking terms now for 3 months! How long will this last??? My 5 year old daughter is kind of caught in the middle too b/c I let her go downstairs one hour in the morning Monday to Friday so she can see her baby cousin.

My SIL and husband are both very stubborn…this showdown could go on for a long time. What can I do? My SIL on Facebook has hinted that her family may move. I’m not sure if this will actually happen or not b/c my SIL often makes idle threats. We would have to sell the house first. I’m not sure if it will even get to that point or not.

 

[takers]

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. My MIL sounds exactly like yours. A stroke a number of years ago changed her to where she expects life to revolve around her and gets hurt/frustrated when it doesn’t (i.e., no we can’t leave for dinner while the baby’s napping, no we can’t drive 30 min. each way to rent a movie at 10pm at night, no we won’t give you $100 just because you feel you deserve it, etc).

That said…it sounds like someone in the family needs to be the mature one and go apologize for their part in the fight. Have you talked to your husband about him being the one to step up first? Have you given thought to hiring a care-worker for your MIL so your SIL doesn’t have the full burden (in our situation we have a care worker help out while FIL is at work)? The county pays for the IL care worker maybe your county/state might have a similar assistance program?

Maybe ask your SIL if it would be alright to spend an afternoon with your niece as you miss her so. No pressure about further get-togethers, just focusing on the one time for now.

You’re in my prayers as I know how difficult these family situations can be.

 

[johnnyjones]

Pride. The killer of many things is the main issue and plain old stubornness. Through prayer and whatever interactive means necessity get the family to recognize their foolish pride in not speaking to one another.

I’m sorry to say that unless they "come around’ by their own means this will likely continue unless the cycle is broken. The cycle of pride. Maybe the Lord will work in a family member. I’ll pray that for you.

 

[Serap]

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. My MIL sounds exactly like yours. A stroke a number of years ago changed her to where she expects life to revolve around her and gets hurt/frustrated when it doesn’t (i.e., no we can’t leave for dinner while the baby’s napping, no we can’t drive 30 min. each way to rent a movie at 10pm at night, no we won’t give you $100 just because you feel you deserve it, etc).

That said…it sounds like someone in the family needs to be the mature one and go apologize for their part in the fight. Have you talked to your husband about him being the one to step up first? Have you given thought to hiring a care-worker for your MIL so your SIL doesn’t have the full burden (in our situation we have a care worker help out while FIL is at work)? The county pays for the IL care worker maybe your county/state might have a similar assistance program?

Maybe ask your SIL if it would be alright to spend an afternoon with your niece as you miss her so. No pressure about further get-togethers, just focusing on the one time for now.

You’re in my prayers as I know how difficult these family situations can be.

Hell or high water, my husband will never apologize. He’s too stubborn. My SIL is the same. I’m thinking of praying before bed for the two of them to mend their relationship. My priest friend says to pray in situations like these.

My MIL (handful yes) has a caretaker come in 3 days a week.

As for my niece, I miss her dearly, and I’m sure she’s already forgotten who I am. I doubt my SIL would agree to any arrangement for me to see her…you see, she stopped her baby from crawling to me to say hi back in October (a week after the fight). The baby saw me (at the doorway) and began crawling to me with a big smile on her face; my SIL simply walked over, scooped up her baby and walked into the other room. It was my SIL’s way of saying “get lost” to me. I was so hurt, I went upstairs and cried. Now I don’t allow my daughter to play downstairs with her cousin if I’m home. It’s too hurtful if I have to go and get my daugther knowing I’m not allowed to have any interaction with my niece.

My husband tells me to focus on my own kids and not worry about my niece for now. It’s hard.

 

[Em_in_FL]

My husband, me and my sister-in-law and her husband own a house together. We split it into a duplex, so that we can be around to help my SIL care for her disabled elderly mom.

In October, my MIL got a virus and she was hospitalized for 3 days. A week after she was released, my husband and his sister had the fight of the century. It ended with my husband throwing a box of cheerios and bottles of vitamins on my SIL’s kitchen floor. He then stormed upstairs telling me he’s done with his sister. My husband lost it b/c my SIL was acting like her usual resentful self and began expressing her frustrations of looking after her mother. My husband told her that he was tired of hearing all the complaining and next thing I knew, it was an all out battle. My husband lost it when my SIL told my husband that he does nothing to help her take care of their mother. This is so not true. My husband and I are always always helping…the difference is that SIL is the primary caregiver. Whenever we offer to help, my SIL turns it down. We then stop offering and then she complains that we are not doing enough. We then start offering again, and she again says no.

Issue: MIL had a stroke 13 years ago and since then, my SIL has been her primary caregiver. My MIL is a very difficult and demanding woman and expects the world at her feet NOW. My SIL has found this very difficult and while we do help how we can, my SIL is the primary caregiver and she is very resentful and angry towards me and my husband b/c we don’t have the burden of looking after the mother.

Sounds like she is more frustrated with the situation than with you and her brother directly? She’s torn between feeling responsible and carrying the weight of that responsibility.

So b/c my husband and SIL had a huge fight, now my SIL won’t speak to me either or let me have anything to do with their daughter (my god daughter and niece). This is very hurtful b/c my niece really loved me and she probably doesn’t know me anymore. She was only 11 months old last October.

We did not speak to eachother over Christmas and b/c my MIL lives with SIL, we have also had no interaction with my husband’s mother. She deeply misses her son (my husband).

There is not much I can do. No one has been on speaking terms now for 3 months! How long will this last??? My 5 year old daughter is kind of caught in the middle too b/c I let her go downstairs one hour in the morning Monday to Friday so she can see her baby cousin.

My SIL and husband are both very stubborn…this showdown could go on for a long time. What can I do? My SIL on Facebook has hinted that her family may move. I’m not sure if this will actually happen or not b/c my SIL often makes idle threats. We would have to sell the house first. I’m not sure if it will even get to that point or not.

Has your husband apologized for his outburst? - I would start with this.
I would then recommend having a family meeting to discuss the issue… it HAS to be dealt with. Maybe you and your SIL’s husband (both being “outsiders”) can facilitate this discussion somehow?
It’s important to acknowledge what a burden this care obviously has been for your SIL. Clearly it’s an overwhelming situation for her. Acknowledge that and comfort her in her challenges. Then it’s time to problem-solve. Your SIL needs to let go of any guilt in asking for help. Yes, this is her mother and she is the daughter and often much of this burden is handed down to daughters… but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she has to break down over this.
A complete list of “requirements” needs to be established so that you can fully see what is involved in her care. Every line item needs to have details of effort-level, time, frustrations, etc - for example, “Mom needs assistance getting to the bathroom at 2AM”… little observations like this will add up and you’ll get a better picture for her total care needs.
Look into options for reducing SIL’s stress. Can you hire in-home care for bathing and medical needs 3-4 times per week?, etc, etc…??? Start to look at options.

Reconcile, evaluate the full situation, and problem solve.
You can get through this.

Prayers!

 

[Serap]

Pride. The killer of many things is the main issue and plain old stubornness. Through prayer and whatever interactive means necessity get the family to recognize their foolish pride in not speaking to one another.

I’m sorry to say that unless they "come around’ by their own means this will likely continue unless the cycle is broken. The cycle of pride. Maybe the Lord will work in a family member. I’ll pray that for you.

thank you! thank you! thank you!

See, my family and I have our dysfunctions too, but we have always been on speaking terms, even in times of trouble. This is so foreign to me. I am at a loss here. I can only pray and hope that things get resolved somehow.

My SIL has also made a post on Facebook elluding to a “close member in her family who is insecure with a bad temper”…it’s like the pot calling the kettle black.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Hell or high water, my husband will never apologize. He’s too stubborn. My SIL is the same. I’m thinking of praying before bed for the two of them to mend their relationship. My priest friend says to pray in situations like these.

Oh Lord… these kids need to grow up!

Can you talk to your SIL’s husband and sabotage the situation for this dysfunctional family?

My MIL (handful yes) has a caretaker come in 3 days a week.

Good!

As for my niece, I miss her dearly, and I’m sure she’s already forgotten who I am. I doubt my SIL would agree to any arrangement for me to see her…you see, she stopped her baby from crawling to me to say hi back in October (a week after the fight). The baby saw me (at the doorway) and began crawling to me with a big smile on her face; my SIL simply walked over, scooped up her baby and walked into the other room. It was my SIL’s way of saying “get lost” to me. I was so hurt, I went upstairs and cried. Now I don’t allow my daughter to play downstairs with her cousin if I’m home. It’s too hurtful if I have to go and get my daugther knowing I’m not allowed to have any interaction with my niece.

My husband tells me to focus on my own kids and not worry about my niece for now. It’s hard.

She hasn’t forgotten who you are…

Wow… seriously sounds like you’re caught up with emotional teenagers here!
Someone needs to step in and stop the nonsense.

 

[Serap]

Sounds like she is more frustrated with the situation than with you and her brother directly? She’s torn between feeling responsible and carrying the weight of that responsibility.

Has your husband apologized for his outburst? - I would start with this.
I would then recommend having a family meeting to discuss the issue… it HAS to be dealt with. Maybe you and your SIL’s husband (both being “outsiders”) can facilitate this discussion somehow?
It’s important to acknowledge what a burden this care obviously has been for your SIL. Clearly it’s an overwhelming situation for her. Acknowledge that and comfort her in her challenges. Then it’s time to problem-solve. Your SIL needs to let go of any guilt in asking for help. Yes, this is her mother and she is the daughter and often much of this burden is handed down to daughters… but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she has to break down over this.
A complete list of “requirements” needs to be established so that you can fully see what is involved in her care. Every line item needs to have details of effort-level, time, frustrations, etc - for example, “Mom needs assistance getting to the bathroom at 2AM”… little observations like this will add up and you’ll get a better picture for her total care needs.
Look into options for reducing SIL’s stress. Can you hire in-home care for bathing and medical needs 3-4 times per week?, etc, etc…??? Start to look at options.

Reconcile, evaluate the full situation, and problem solve.
You can get through this.

Prayers!

Do you think I should wait and see if their anger settles a bit first? They are both very angry with eachother right now. It’s been 3 months!!!

I have approached my husband to go and talk to her and he tells me to stay out of it.

 

[Serap]

Oh Lord… these kids need to grow up!

Can you talk to your SIL’s husband and sabotage the situation for this dysfunctional family?

.

perhaps I should pray for clarity first. my husband might get angry with me if I do this.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Do you think I should wait and see if their anger settles a bit first? They are both very angry with eachother right now. It’s been 3 months!!!

I have approached my husband to go and talk to her and he tells me to stay out of it.

That’s hard. While I’d be the first to advocate for listening to your husband, I can’t imagine living under that kind of inherent daily stress.

Have you asked your husband directly if YOU can talk to them?
I know he said “stay out of it”, because maybe he’s not ready… but he also needs to understand that YOU are living in this house as well and you are all part of “one big happy family” ().
He needs to respect your desire for reconciliation within YOUR home. This is not JUST his home… it’s yours as well. You DO have a say for how the family functions.

 

[Serap]

That’s hard. While I’d be the first to advocate for listening to your husband, I can’t imagine living under that kind of inherent daily stress.

Have you asked your husband directly if YOU can talk to them?
I know he said “stay out of it”, because maybe he’s not ready… but he also needs to understand that YOU are living in this house as well and you are all part of “one big happy family” (). He needs to respect your desire for reconciliation within YOUR home.

Thanks EM. I am not sure what to do right now. I will pray for clarity. It’s very hard; sometimes I think we should sell the house and start over again. Other times, I feel blessed to have family so close by.

 

[LSK]

May I offer some personal experience?

First of all: most people do not understand what happens to stroke victims. People do not just suffer physically; a stroke will change a person’s personality, make all their emotions very close to the surface and cause them to behave in ways that are very difficult on the caregiver. Most of us are unaware of this because we are not properly educated about the effects of strokes. I am going to urge you and your husband to learn about this as much as you can so that you might be able to get a handle on the family dynamics.

Second of all: being a primary caregiver is one of the most difficult jobs a person can undertake. We (and I speak from experience) can become so incredibly tired and wrapped up in the care we are giving that we do exactly what your SIL is doing - complaining that we need help while turning the help down. This is very common. It is frustrating. It can tear a family apart at the seams. We (the caregiver) want the help, feel guilty that we need the help (afterall, aren’t we supposed to be a good child and care for the parent that raised us?) and be unable to express our own frustration. When we complain and then someone offers a solution we feel like we are being told we can’t do that which we are trying so hard to do and our emotions take over and we lash out.

If you have a family priest that can sit down with all of you and help you hash this out, then great. If not, you need to call your local office on aging or catholic charities and ask for help from a family therapist/patient advocate.

Your MIL is in danger of being abused by a SIL who is probably exhausted trying to care for her and raise a family.

Your husband needs to be the hero here - you need to appeal to his masculine side and ask him to be the man Adam was not - stand up and protect his family (his mother). This does not mean he demeans his sister or attacks her; rather, that he swallow his pride, go to her and say, “Sis please, I want to help you. I don’t know how and I feel so frustrated. Tell me what you would like us to do and if it is humanly possible then by golly we will do it”.

My brother - bless his heart - left me as the sole caretaker of our father and his 97 year old mother in law. When my father died he was not there for me at all. It hurt me so much but it taught me a great deal. I learned I could not ever EVER rely upon family or friends - that I can ask for help but not to expect it and to rely only upon God. I cared for my father and his mother in law, worked full time, went to school full time and was active in both my parish and my 12 step program. The only person in my family that helped me was my mother - my father’s ex wife. You know why? She did it for two reasons - she is a Catholic and that is what we do AND because I am her daughter and I needed help.

My brother chose not to help me because he had resentments against our father. The person that lost out on that deal was not me and not Dad. It was John. I was the kid who had the key to the house, my name on Dad’s accounts, was there when my father returned to the Church after 45 years of living in mortal sin and was the one who found my father the morning he died, 10 days after receiving the Eucharist for the first time since leaving our family when I was six years old. It was me who got to witness all of that and while there are times I would still like to punch my brother right in the head for being such an idiot I will make sure he does not repeat the same mistake with our mother (who is now 91 years old).

No, you cannot MAKE your husband do anything but you can appeal to the hero in him and tell him this is not about his sister it is about his mother, it is about his niece and it is about him protecting The Family.

I am going to keep you in prayer. Family stuff is the toughest and hardest cross to bear. I know…sometimes I wish I had a St Simon of Cyrene to help me but I guess that is what Guardian Angels are for, right?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Oh Lord… these kids need to grow up!

Can you talk to your SIL’s husband and sabotage the situation for this dysfunctional family?

Good!

She hasn’t forgotten who you are…

Wow… seriously sounds like you’re caught up with emotional teenagers here!
Someone needs to step in and stop the nonsense.

I agree with perhaps talking to your BIL and see how you can patch things up.

I understand that both Serap and DH work, is there anyway they can help out MIL by arranging a home health care attendant to come in a few times a week?

I can imagine it being hard to take care of a baby and taking care of an adult. SIL might be really overwhelmed. Rememebr how hard it was when DS was a baby? Imagine taking care of a grown adult.

Try to tell this to your DH in a calm fashion.

 

[Serap]

May I offer some personal experience?

First of all: most people do not understand what happens to stroke victims. People do not just suffer physically; a stroke will change a person’s personality, make all their emotions very close to the surface and cause them to behave in ways that are very difficult on the caregiver. Most of us are unaware of this because we are not properly educated about the effects of strokes. I am going to urge you and your husband to learn about this as much as you can so that you might be able to get a handle on the family dynamics.

Second of all: being a primary caregiver is one of the most difficult jobs a person can undertake. We (and I speak from experience) can become so incredibly tired and wrapped up in the care we are giving that we do exactly what your SIL is doing - complaining that we need help while turning the help down. This is very common. It is frustrating. It can tear a family apart at the seams. We (the caregiver) want the help, feel guilty that we need the help (afterall, aren’t we supposed to be a good child and care for the parent that raised us?) and be unable to express our own frustration. When we complain and then someone offers a solution we feel like we are being told we can’t do that which we are trying so hard to do and our emotions take over and we lash out.

If you have a family priest that can sit down with all of you and help you hash this out, then great. If not, you need to call your local office on aging or catholic charities and ask for help from a family therapist/patient advocate.

Your MIL is in danger of being abused by a SIL who is probably exhausted trying to care for her and raise a family.

Your husband needs to be the hero here - you need to appeal to his masculine side and ask him to be the man Adam was not - stand up and protect his family (his mother). This does not mean he demeans his sister or attacks her; rather, that he swallow his pride, go to her and say, “Sis please, I want to help you. I don’t know how and I feel so frustrated. Tell me what you would like us to do and if it is humanly possible then by golly we will do it”.

My brother - bless his heart - left me as the sole caretaker of our father and his 97 year old mother in law. When my father died he was not there for me at all. It hurt me so much but it taught me a great deal. I learned I could not ever EVER rely upon family or friends - that I can ask for help but not to expect it and to rely only upon God. I cared for my father and his mother in law, worked full time, went to school full time and was active in both my parish and my 12 step program. The only person in my family that helped me was my mother - my father’s ex wife. You know why? She did it for two reasons - she is a Catholic and that is what we do AND because I am her daughter and I needed help.

My brother chose not to help me because he had resentments against our father. The person that lost out on that deal was not me and not Dad. It was John. I was the kid who had the key to the house, my name on Dad’s accounts, was there when my father returned to the Church after 45 years of living in mortal sin and was the one who found my father the morning he died, 10 days after receiving the Eucharist for the first time since leaving our family when I was six years old. It was me who got to witness all of that and while there are times I would still like to punch my brother right in the head for being such an idiot I will make sure he does not repeat the same mistake with our mother (who is now 91 years old).

No, you cannot MAKE your husband do anything but you can appeal to the hero in him and tell him this is not about his sister it is about his mother, it is about his niece and it is about him protecting The Family.

I am going to keep you in prayer. Family stuff is the toughest and hardest cross to bear. I know…sometimes I wish I had a St Simon of Cyrene to help me but I guess that is what Guardian Angels are for, right?

Thank you for sharing your story. You showed me an angle that I had not thought of. I will wait until my husband is in a good frame of mind and perhaps appeal to his inner hero.

God forbid, what if something happened to his mother!!

 

[Irishmom2]

We did not speak to eachother over Christmas and b/c my MIL lives with SIL, we have also had no interaction with my husband’s mother. She deeply misses her son (my husband).

There is not much I can do. No one has been on speaking terms now for 3 months! How long will this last??? My 5 year old daughter is kind of caught in the middle too b/c I let her go downstairs one hour in the morning Monday to Friday so she can see her baby cousin.

My SIL and husband are both very stubborn…this showdown could go on for a long time.

Tough situation here. Your husband and SIL don’t seem to realize how many people this is affecting. Perhaps a priest could come for a visit, and maybe bridge the gap somehow.

What I find truly ridiculous is that your MIL has not demanded to see your husband in all this time. If your SIL is not allowing your MIL to see who she wants, that is just wrong. There have to be times when your SIL is not around and your husband should be able to visit his mother.

I think that while you can support your husband’s view, that you need to also say to him that it can’t go on like this for much longer. Can they not just “agree to disagree” and get on with the care of their mother? Dr. Phil is fond of saying “someone needs to be a hero here.” I believe your husband could be the hero without “admitting defeat.” He needs to tell SIL that whatever happened between them is in the past, and though they don’t agree with each other, their mom comes first, not their own feelings.

 

[Serap]

Tough situation here. Your husband and SIL don’t seem to realize how many people this is affecting. Perhaps a priest could come for a visit, and maybe bridge the gap somehow.

What I find truly ridiculous is that your MIL has not demanded to see your husband in all this time. If your SIL is not allowing your MIL to see who she wants, that is just wrong. There have to be times when your SIL is not around and your husband should be able to visit his mother.

I think that while you can support your husband’s view, that you need to also say to him that it can’t go on like this for much longer. Can they not just “agree to disagree” and get on with the care of their mother? Dr. Phil is fond of saying “someone needs to be a hero here.” I believe your husband could be the hero without “admitting defeat.” He needs to tell SIL that whatever happened between them is in the past, and though they don’t agree with each other, their mom comes first, not their own feelings.

Great advice! So glad I reached out to you guys.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thirteen years? And she went through a pregnancy and now has a toddler to care for, too? Wow, oh wow. No wonder she’s at a breaking point. Yet she probably thought this is all something she ought to be able to manage. No wonder her brother feels blindsided at her frustration.

First off, ask your husband to have a powwow with your BIL about this. Ask if it is not time for the rest of the family to insist that his sister get respite care for Mom, regardless of what Mom has to say about it. It can be him, it can be an outside person, but every primary caregiver needs time off. Someone else can be the “bad guy” in terms of breaking it to Mom, but this is not negotiable. Besides, when a stroke victim is being unreasonable, you do not hold them culpable. You do overrule them, though.

A non-professional caregiver–I do not mean inexperienced, but rather someone who has not had training and colleagues to show her how to cope–would also benefit greatly from being able to talk to someone who is experienced in the field, such as a geriatric nurse. They can be goldmines, I cannot tell you. They have strategies you never thought of, they let you know when you are working beyond the reasonable limits of a human being, they can validate your frustrations, they let you know when your patient is not only being difficult, but impossible, and must be overruled for their own good, they let you know when your charge is better off having their own way and risking some risk (that is, that you can’t protect your patient from everything without cutting the life out of them), they can let you feel you have permission to have a sense of humor about things that are, in another context, definitely not funny…except that, well, sometimes you just HAVE to laugh, or you’ll go nuts.

See if you can get respite care for your MIL and a geriatric nurse for your SIL to consult with.

As for your husband helping out, this can be tough. An older woman may simply not accept help of an intimate nature from her adult son, even though her husband might be fully willing to accept the same help from their daughter. Looked at from the standards of their childhood, it is a dignity issue. Insisting that a woman of her vintage to accept a male as a caregiver, especially a male relative other than her husband, may simply not be a reasonable request.

The adult daughter may need someone, though, to help her to give herself permission to draw a boundary with her mother without taking on a guilt trip that won’t quit. That probably will not be her brother. It will be someone whose authority on the proper care for stroke patients she will accept. If you or your husband inquire about stroke caretaker support services at the local stroke center, that could be the ticket for that. Local" may be a relative term, but major hospitals with specialists in neurology and neurosurgery tend to have them…the centers assemble medical teams from all the specialties and professions necessary to gain the best outcome for stroke victims and their families. These centers might also have primary caretaker support groups that could help her. It could be that if she hears that she is overloading herself from people who have truly been in her shoes, she’ll accept the idea that the “good” daughter is one that knows how to draw a line for everyone’s good.

 

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[Serap]

Thirteen years? And she went through a pregnancy and now has a toddler to care for, too? Wow, oh wow. No wonder she’s at a breaking point. Yet she probably thought this is all something she ought to be able to manage. No wonder her brother feels blindsided at her frustration.

First off, ask your husband to have a powwow with your BIL about this. Ask if it is not time for the rest of the family to insist that his sister get respite care for Mom, regardless of what Mom has to say about it. It can be him, it can be an outside person, but every primary caregiver needs time off. Someone else can be the “bad guy” in terms of breaking it to Mom, but this is not negotiable. Besides, when a stroke victim is being unreasonable, you do not hold them culpable. You do overrule them, though.

A non-professional caregiver–I do not mean inexperienced, but rather someone who has not had training and colleagues to show her how to cope–would also benefit greatly from being able to talk to someone who is experienced in the field, such as a geriatric nurse. They can be goldmines, I cannot tell you. They have strategies you never thought of, they let you know when you are working beyond the reasonable limits of a human being, they can validate your frustrations, they let you know when your patient is not only being difficult, but impossible, and must be overruled for their own good, they let you know when your charge is better off having their own way and risking some risk (that is, that you can’t protect your patient from everything without cutting the life out of them), they can let you feel you have permission to have a sense of humor about things that are, in another context, definitely not funny…except that, well, sometimes you just HAVE to laugh, or you’ll go nuts.

See if you can get respite care for your MIL and a geriatric nurse for your SIL to consult with.

As for your husband helping out, this can be tough. An older woman may simply not accept help of an intimate nature from her adult son, even though her husband might be fully willing to accept the same help from their daughter. Looked at from the standards of their childhood, it is a dignity issue. Insisting that a woman of her vintage to accept a male as a caregiver, especially a male relative other than her husband, may simply not be a reasonable request.

The adult daughter may need someone, though, to help her to give herself permission to draw a boundary with her mother without taking on a guilt trip that won’t quit. That probably will not be her brother. It will be someone whose authority on the proper care for stroke patients she will accept. If you or your husband inquire about stroke caretaker support services at the local stroke center, that could be the ticket for that. Local" may be a relative term, but major hospitals with specialists in neurology and neurosurgery tend to have them…the centers assemble medical teams from all the specialties and professions necessary to gain the best outcome for stroke victims and their families. These centers might also have primary caretaker support groups that could help her. It could be that if she hears that she is overloading herself from people who have truly been in her shoes, she’ll accept the idea that the “good” daughter is one that knows how to draw a line for everyone’s good.

In theory this advice is great, but my sister will not accept this kind of help from us. If I sent her this info, she would do nothing with it and if my husband tried to set it up, my SIL would turn around and cancel it saying it’s not necessary. My SIL will not stand up to her MIL and this also upsets us. If my MIL says “no”, then that’s it.

My SIL has a caregiver that comes in 2 or 3 days a week.

It’s a very tough situation. I think at best, I can follow someone’s advice that I tell my husband that something’s got to give and that his sister and him need to learn to agree to disagree, so that they can all move on. My husband does not need to accept defeat or say sorry to mend things with her. Frankly, they are both in the wrong.

My SIL has always had a very mean streak in her. She doesn’t know when to bite her tongue. It’s very difficult to have patience with someone like this. My husband told me that the fight he had was 10 years of built up anger towards her.

I have to admit that I feel a lot of anger towards my SIL also. Part of me wants to just sell the house and cut our losses. The other part of me wants my husband and SIL to patch things up and work out their differences for the sake of MIL and the sake of the children.

I’m torn as well. I began prayer last night about this. I’m hoping my prayers begin to work.

 

[EasterJoy]

In theory this advice is great, but my sister will not accept this kind of help from us. If I sent her this info, she would do nothing with it and if my husband tried to set it up, my SIL would turn around and cancel it saying it’s not necessary. My SIL will not stand up to her MIL and this also upsets us. If my MIL says “no”, then that’s it.

My SIL has a caregiver that comes in 2 or 3 days a week.

It’s a very tough situation. I think at best, I can follow someone’s advice that I tell my husband that something’s got to give and that his sister and him need to learn to agree to disagree, so that they can all move on. My husband does not need to accept defeat or say sorry to mend things with her. Frankly, they are both in the wrong.

My SIL has always had a very mean streak in her. She doesn’t know when to bite her tongue. It’s very difficult to have patience with someone like this. My husband told me that the fight he had was 10 years of built up anger towards her.

I have to admit that I feel a lot of anger towards my SIL also. Part of me wants to just sell the house and cut our losses. The other part of me wants my husband and SIL to patch things up and work out their differences for the sake of MIL and the sake of the children.

I’m torn as well. I began prayer last night about this. I’m hoping my prayers begin to work.

My hope was that *her *husband would have some pull with her, if he had ideas about what to do. Her self-martyrdom can’t be easy on him, either, nor their child. OTOH, if he won’t draw any boundaries inside his own family, that can’t be helped by anyone on the outside.

If your SIL won’t draw boundaries with your MIL and won’t take care of herself, there is nothing you can do but “detach in love” as they say in the co-dependency recovery circles. Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More” has a lot of good stuff in it on that topic. Most libraries have it. Maybe that will help you.