How to motivate my husband to work?

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AnaTurin

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I need advice. My husband seems perfectly content to watch tv all day, eat and sleep and not much else. He used to work, I know it’s “possible” but for most of this year, he was mostly on “vacation”.

I’m starting to go a little insane with this. I’m trying to be as patient as possible, but we are doing horribly financially, and it’s getting worse by the minute. I am trying to finish school (almost done) and I just can’t bear the thought of dropping out to work at a minimum wage job right now (because I have pretty much no job experience) while he could be making 25+ dollars an hour in his line of work—if he would just work!!

How do I motivate him? I know, prayer, and believe me I’ve done that, but besides prayer, what would YOU do if you were in this situation? HELP!
 
Is he depressed? Was he laid off from his last job? Is his lack of motivation new? Definitely keep praying for him and stick with school. I would also suggest counseling for both of you.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Yes, I’m trying to stick with school, but until when? Until we are evicted?

I would LOVE to go to counseling, BUT, counseling costs MONEY which we don’t have(or very, very little)

I’m starting to get depressed from all this though!

What if he just decides he is never going to work? I’m so scared of that. Not to mention the fact that he has financial obligations (besides our bills) that he absolutely must take care of.
 
Try contacting Catholic Charities in your area to see if they offer counseling services at reduced or no cost.
 
Does he have a bona fide mental illness (depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, ADD, etc) or has he ever had such an illness in the past? A history of brain injury (military service, car crashes, etc)?

From what you’re written so far, his behavior does not seem normal. Barring a medical condition like the ones I mentioned, some kind of intervention is in order.
 
What did he say when you asked him about returning to work? You’d have no way of knowing how to encourage him to return until you know the reasons why he isn’t working. Once you have an honest answer to that question, you can take some action.

It may seem very basic, but a lot of people never stop to directly ask their husbands or wives about an important problem. I’m not sure why that’s the case, but I think it has something to do with fear on the part of the person that the issue is bothering, and that fear needs to be confronted before proceeding.
 
odile53 said:
What did he say when you asked him about returning to work? You’d have no way of knowing how to encourage him to return until you know the reasons why he isn’t working. Once you have an honest answer to that question, you can take some action.

It may seem very basic, but a lot of people never stop to directly ask their husbands or wives about an important problem. I’m not sure why that’s the case, but I think it has something to do with fear on the part of the person that the issue is bothering, and that fear needs to be confronted before proceeding.
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Yes - and ask him how he’s going to pay the bills and provide for his family. Let him solve the problem.

In the mean time - pray!

Peace,
John
 
Either get his dad, his brother, or maybe your dad or brother to tell him in no uncertain terms to “Be A Man”.
 
Ana, you’ve gotten some good advice so far. I will also be praying.

Please do speak to your priest. Call to make an appointment so you have time and his attention. Besides helping you directly, your priest should also be able to give you information on counselors, job search services, etc.

As someone else mentioned, he may be depressed or ill from an injury. Or have given up after a lay-off. Did he quit work, get fired, laid-off, or what? Also simply asking him why he isn’t working, may get a conversation going. Also ask about his plans.What he says will give you direction as to how to help.

How much more school do you have? Can you afford to take a few more credits each semester to get done sooner? Or can you work at least a bit while still taking classes?

Finally, consider cutting out some expenses for a time. perhaps shut off the TV service. That will save on the bill and also keep your husband from wasting the day away.

Praying :signofcross:
 
OP, I can’t offer much in the way of advice since we don’t know the details (reasons) surrounding his lack of motivation to find work, but I will say a prayer for you both.
 
So sorry for your troubles. Work is hard to find these days and if your husband could be employed but won’t you have a very big problem. Please remember the power of prayer and turn this over to God. Have faith in Him.
 
AnaTurin said:
I need advice. My husband seems perfectly content to watch tv all day, eat and sleep and not much else. He used to work, I know it’s “possible” but for most of this year, he was mostly on “vacation”.

I’m starting to go a little insane with this. I’m trying to be as patient as possible, but we are doing horribly financially, and it’s getting worse by the minute. I am trying to finish school (almost done) and I just can’t bear the thought of dropping out to work at a minimum wage job right now (because I have pretty much no job experience) while he could be making 25+ dollars an hour in his line of work—if he would just work!!

How do I motivate him? I know, prayer, and believe me I’ve done that, but besides prayer, what would YOU do if you were in this situation? HELP!
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Eat sleep and watch tv sounds good to me! Yeah ok Im a husband too. 😉
 
Thanks for the responses (and making me laugh)

So, of COURSE I have asked him trillions of questions, I have been helping him as much as possible.

We have only been married about a year. I guess that is what is the scariest thing. I don’t know if he is always going to be like this, or if it is just a temporary “phase”.

I’m not used to men that don’t work. (Not that he has never worked!)

Mostly, he just has these excuses(or what seem to me like excuses) like he has to do this that and this and then on “monday” (lol) he is going to look for a job.

He did have an interview (which took forever, there were like 4 different steps involved) and finally they said he wasn’t the right “fit”. He later admitted to me that he sabotaged it by asking for way too much money.

I love him very much. I don’t want to be bitter or resentful. It’s hard to not lose respect for him since I feel like he is just being selfish(and lazy). If there are other factors involved, he is definitely covering it up well.

I probably wouldn’t even be that upset about it if we didn’t have 5 kids to take care of (though 2 are adults and on their own, they are very young still).
 
You haven’t said what happened to his last job- was he laid off, fired, did he quit? You say you’ve been married a year- was he working when you married?

Coming from personal experience, it is very difficult to find a job right now. You know him better than we do, but are you sure he is sitting around all day watching TV? Does he help out with the household chores, or the kids? Do you know for sure how many resumes he sends out?

If my husband called what I do “vacation” (all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, keeping track of bills, etc. PLUS looking for a job and interviewing) I would be very upset, so I hope you did not say that to your husband- even if he isn’t doing all of that. It’s hard to tell you what to do to “motivate” him here, because you haven’t really given us the whole story yet.

You are a team. If he can’t find work, and you have a family to care for, you may have to cut back on classes or postpone them until you are more financially stable, and look for work yourself. The important thing is that you figure this out together- it’s not going to do your family any good for him to refuse to look or be lazy (if that is what is going on), but it’s also not good for you to put the entire burden on him, and assume he has to work but you don’t, if you are truly in a financially dire situation. School can wait, but the two of you have a responsibility to make sure you can provide for yourselves to the best of your ability.
 
Zosimus41 said:
Eat sleep and watch tv sounds good to me! Yeah ok Im a husband too. 😉
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Please, this is not helpful to the OP.

Prayers offered just now for you and your husband.

How have you been able to get by until now? It sounds like your husband needs a wake up call. Tell him the vacation is over and he needs to get back to work immediately. Don’t ask him, tell him. This arrangement is not fair to either of you. Is he planning on letting you support him after you are finished with your schooling too?
 
From the sounds of it, if you have 5 kids and a couple are young adults, I am assuming you each had kids before being married and you are a mature student. That makes me think your husband is around 40.

As a 42 year old who is currently unemplyed for the 3rd time in her life, please let me explain where yuor husband is potentially coming from.

I now know from experience, if I do NOT meet all the qualifications on a job posting, there is no way they will call me and it is a pure waste of time to apply. I tried taking a jpb way below my qualification to pay the bills. I was swallowing my pride. I did not fit in. People had been doing things for years a certain way there. When the new girl shows up and says ‘I am sorry but mathematically, that makes no sense, can you please explain to me why it is done that way’, they are stumped and don’t like to be challenged intellectually. It is them against me and it is easy to label me as indignant.

Also, people are EXTREMEMLY cruel to the unemployed and it is no fun being asked ‘So are you working’ everytime you leave your house. It is much easier to stay home and watch TV

Now, with that said and done, it does not change the fact your husband has a responsibility to do something. This is where you need to be supportive of him and figure out how you can help.

I can’t tell you what will help your husband, but I can tell you what would probably help me.

If your husband has an interview -DO NOT TELL ANYONE. There is no pain worse than getting your hopes up before the interview only to not get the job. He does not need others to know he went through that. It is just humiliating.

Don’t over do the ‘I know you can do it’ positive encouragement. It is an annoyance at best.

Do not make statements such as ‘Have you ever though of doing this type of work’. He is the one who will be spending at least 40 hours a week doing it, have some compassion for that.

And lastly, pray

CM
 
Less work means less money.

Less money means basic food.

Basic food could get him back to work.

When the place I worked at went bankrupt, it took three months to start my next job. we just had bread and butter to eat and sometimes not even butter as my wife’s wage was the same as our rent.

It was horrible.
 
Nelka said:
When the place I worked at went bankrupt, it took three months to start my next job. we just had bread and butter to eat and sometimes not even butter as my wife’s wage was the same as our rent.

It was horrible.
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Oh wow.

Did you have children at the time?
 
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