How to motivate my husband to work?

[AnaTurin]

He quit his last job.

He had some excuses, but they sounded just like that–excuses.

HE is the one that said he is “on vacation”.

Yes, I know that he spends most of his time watching tv.

He applies to “lots” of jobs, but most of them are out of state, which he won’t do. So what is the point of applying?

 

[AnaTurin]

Please, this is not helpful to the OP.

Prayers offered just now for you and your husband.

How have you been able to get by until now? It sounds like your husband needs a wake up call. Tell him the vacation is over and he needs to get back to work immediately. Don’t ask him, tell him. This arrangement is not fair to either of you. Is he planning on letting you support him after you are finished with your schooling too?

It’s ok, he made me laugh.

anyway, he did say jokingly that i was going to be supporting him when i was done. At least i took it as jokingly then. Now I think he was serious. The problem is that in order for me to make any kind of money at all, I need a master’s degree too.

It’s funny, before we were married, I had very few financial issues. I was struggling, but nothing like now.

It’s ok. I grew up poor, so I guess I can handle it. I never wanted this for my kids, but there are millions and millions who have it worse.

 

[Cristiano]

…It’s funny, before we were married, I had very few financial issues. I was struggling, but nothing like now…

Is it possible that he just realized that he does not want to be married and that maybe he is forcing you to call it quits? It is odd that marriage and lack of work have a strong correlation.

 

[LSK]

I am confused.

You have been married for a year. You have five children, two of which are adults and on their own.

Your husband suddenly decided to stop working.

You are going to school full time.

Something does not add up. Forgive me but I am having trouble following this thread.

 

[AnaTurin]

Ok,

Not everyone is a perfect Catholic.

I was not Catholic until a few years ago.

I have 3 kids, he has 2. We were married in the Church.

I am just finishing school because I went back after 10 years of not finishing my BFA.

Any other questions?

 

[mamaslo]

What is the air speed wind velocity of an African Sparrow carrying a coconut?



Anaturin,
regardless, you both need help. Before you go really batty! School is so important to making a living these days. Even a Master’s degree is what lot of them want you to have. I am proud of you for going back after so long. Your husband needs to at least get a physical to find out if he has health issues. If he wants to be happy in the long run, he needs to be active in his own life. There are things you can do to help yourself and your kids. Finding the right counselor would be useful. Even making an appt with a priest would be free and possibly helpful. You have psychological issues possibly to deal with in your husband. From this vantage point, it doesn’t look good to me.

Do something before it is toxic…

peace.

 

[AnaTurin]

I would LOVE for that to happen, but we are BROKE, so counseling is not an option.

Getting counseling from a priest is not an option either. (that’s another story)

You see, the way everything is set up now, if you don’t have a job, you don’t have insurance, and we can’t afford out-of-pocket anything. (hopefully we will soon have healthcare thanks to Obama) but not right now.

I’m tempted to drop out of school to work, but that will only fix short term problems. (if it even fixes them at all-- I doubt i could make above minimum wage)

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I would LOVE for that to happen, but we are BROKE, so counseling is not an option.

Getting counseling from a priest is not an option either. (that’s another story)

You see, the way everything is set up now, if you don’t have a job, you don’t have insurance, and we can’t afford out-of-pocket anything. (hopefully we will soon have healthcare thanks to Obama) but not right now.

I’m tempted to drop out of school to work, but that will only fix short term problems. (if it even fixes them at all-- I doubt i could make above minimum wage)

It may not be an option for your husband, but you should be able to speak to a priest at your own parish at least a few times for moral support at least.

Since your husband quit, I assume he’s not eligable for unemployment, but he (and you) should still be able to get job seeking support for your state or local agencies.

If your husband doesn’t want support from a group like Catholic Charities, a local protestant church, fraternal group (Elk’s Lodge or whathaveyou), or other charity may have job search support. Try the Chamber of Commerce also.

As for motivation, I suggest cutting your cable/TV service. If that’s how you also get internet, it will make things harder for you with school work. But there is always the public library or library on campus.

 

[Cat]

Where are you getting the money for food, rent, and other necessities? How are you paying for school?

 

[AnaTurin]

can’t cut the cable, he talked me into getting one that has like a 2 year contract (ha!) But i’ve done it before.

local priest-- no, for reasons I can’t get into. (not to mention the fact that a priest is a male, which poses a problem in itself. I believe a married couple should receive counsel from a man AND a woman) just my opinion.

 

[mamaslo]

well you are not powerless (I get the impression you feel that way). There is something you can do. You don’t have to be stuck. Sometimes school has a counselor that is part of the infirmary or the school…maybe a campus ministry? You already pay the fees to use this.

Just an idea.

 

[AnaTurin]

well you are not powerless (I get the impression you feel that way). There is something you can do. You don’t have to be stuck. Sometimes school has a counselor that is part of the infirmary or the school…maybe a campus ministry? You already pay the fees to use this.

Just an idea.

that’s true, and a good idea, but they can’t help him or do marriage counseling. I might go there for me though,

 

[AnaTurin]

Where are you getting the money for food, rent, and other necessities? How are you paying for school?

student loans mostly. yep. debt debt debt.

but the aren’t that much, so don’t know how we are going to get by starting next month.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

that’s true, and a good idea, but they can’t help him or do marriage counseling. I might go there for me though,

YES! Do go there for you. The school resources can at least help you figure out options and should also be able to help you find more extensive resources for the things they don’t do. I have no doubt that colleges now have seen these kinds of issues before.

Again, my prayers are with you.

 

[Cat]

student loans mostly. yep. debt debt debt.

but the aren’t that much, so don’t know how we are going to get by starting next month.

Thank you.

Based on your answer, here is what I would do.

I would leave him this weekend, as soon as you can pack up your necessities and any precious items and memorabila. Leave everything else behind.

Arrange to go home to whatever family (parents? siblings? ) will take you in. If you have no family, beg good friends to take you in, and if you have no friends, then go to your parish and ask the priest if there is a mature older couple who would be able to allow you to stay with them. If you have to live in one bedroom, or in a basement, fine.

If you have no one, then find a women’s shelter in your city or town, and go there. Our city has a shelter specifically for women and their children, and it is a safe, well-managed place.

This will probably be humiliating, but bear it. You have made a mistake, and others, especially your family members and friends, probably knew it all along and probably tried to warn you, but you probably didn’t listen because you were (and still are) “in love.”

You aren’t “in love.” You are romantic, and you want so much for everything to work out.

**But it won’t work out because you have not married a man, you have married a little boy. **You know that a woman cannot be “in love” with a little boy and to be married to a little boy is not God’s plan for women.

Don’t hate your husband. Pity him. And leave now while you are still OK.

Your husband will never change, and the longer you stay with him, the more in debt you will be, and the more your life and future will be a lost cause. Picture the women that you see living in poverty in the worst section of your city or town. You don’t want to end up like that, but you will if you stay with this man.

That’s assuming that he doesn’t become violent some day, which is what I think will happen if you stay with him. He won’t be able to face the prospect of “growing up” and becoming a responsible man, so he’ll take out his frustration by getting violent and attacking you. That’s what little boys do when they get upset–they have a tantrum and they throw things and hit people.

Don’t worry about your adult children. They’ll survive. If you have children who are too young to be on their own, take them with you. If you have to, all of you share a room. Things will get better.

Begin divorce and annulment proceedings immediately so that you can be totally free of this boy that you have married.

You may have to quit school for a while, and work at whatever jobs (plural–you probably won’t be able to find one job that pays enough money for you to meet expenses) you can find.

Good luck and Godspeed to you. You’ve chosen a very hard path in life, but you can do it, and things will be better in your future. Find other women who have been through it, and lean on them.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you.

Based on your answer, here is what I would do.

I would leave him this weekend, as soon as you can pack up your necessities and any precious items and memorabila. Leave everything else behind.

Arrange to go home to whatever family (parents? siblings? ) will take you in. If you have no family, beg good friends to take you in, and if you have no friends, then go to your parish and ask the priest if there is a mature older couple who would be able to allow you to stay with them. If you have to live in one bedroom, or in a basement, fine.

If you have no one, then find a women’s shelter in your city or town, and go there. Our city has a shelter specifically for women and their children, and it is a safe, well-managed place.

This will probably be humiliating, but bear it. You have made a mistake, and others, especially your family members and friends, probably knew it all along and probably tried to warn you, but you probably didn’t listen because you were (and still are) “in love.”

You aren’t “in love.” You are romantic, and you want so much for everything to work out.

**But it won’t work out because you have not married a man, you have married a little boy. **You know that a woman cannot be “in love” with a little boy and to be married to a little boy is not God’s plan for women.

Don’t hate your husband. Pity him. And leave now while you are still OK.

Your husband will never change, and the longer you stay with him, the more in debt you will be, and the more your life and future will be a lost cause. Picture the women that you see living in poverty in the worst section of your city or town. You don’t want to end up like that, but you will if you stay with this man.

That’s assuming that he doesn’t become violent some day, which is what I think will happen if you stay with him. He won’t be able to face the prospect of “growing up” and becoming a responsible man, so he’ll take out his frustration by getting violent and attacking you. That’s what little boys do when they get upset–they have a tantrum and they throw things and hit people.

Don’t worry about your adult children. They’ll survive. If you have children who are too young to be on their own, take them with you. If you have to, all of you share a room. Things will get better.

Begin divorce and annulment proceedings immediately so that you can be totally free of this boy that you have married.

You may have to quit school for a while, and work at whatever jobs (plural–you probably won’t be able to find one job that pays enough money for you to meet expenses) you can find.

Good luck and Godspeed to you. You’ve chosen a very hard path in life, but you can do it, and things will be better in your future. Find other women who have been through it, and lean on them.

This is an extreme suggestion…and based on a projection that that husband is going to get violent with her? I think you’re projecting a lot! I don’t think any of us could know her situation well enough to give counselling like this, particularly since none of us are professionals. There is a lot going on in her situation, and she has concrete reasons to stay as well as concrete reasons to leave. For instance, she would not be wise to disrupt her education for any reason, not if she can avoid it. It is very hard to get back and get it done after you take a leave. Only if she were academically struggling due to her situation would I suggest she leave school without other factors truly compelling her.

Divorce is very expensive, and no one in this family is wealthy. You look up the financial fate of women who divorce; it usually leads to a step down in prosperity. Breaking up a family also costs a lot in heartache for all involved. If she was in anything like immediate danger, I’d agree that she ought to leave right away, even today, but she has not described anything like that. More to the point, you’re advising her as if you are certain that she can obtain a decree of nullity. That is not at certain. I have a relative who was denied hers. It happens, and I think it is going to start happen more often, because Rome is not convinced that the American tribunals are erring against valid marriages in their judgments.

She must judge their problems to be serious and an imminent danger to her or their children before she can just up and walk out on her own volition. Otherwise, strictly speaking she can’t just take it upon herself to leave him. I’m not saying she could not do so if she had good reason to believe it would be better in the long run for her marriage than leaving, or that she could not do so after a true period of discernment, but according to canon law ending the common conjugal life is something that requires ecclesiastical permission. There is a reason for that.

 

[Cat]

This is an extreme suggestion…and based on a projection that that husband is going to get violent with her? I think you’re projecting a lot! I don’t think any of us could know her situation well enough to give counselling like this, particularly since none of us are professionals. There is a lot going on in her situation, and she has concrete reasons to stay as well as concrete reasons to leave. For instance, she would not be wise to disrupt her education for any reason, not if she can avoid it. It is very hard to get back and get it done after you take a leave. Only if she were academically struggling due to her situation would I suggest she leave school without other factors truly compelling her.

Divorce is very expensive, and no one in this family is wealthy. You look up the financial fate of women who divorce; it usually leads to a step down in prosperity. Breaking up a family also costs a lot in heartache for all involved. If she was in anything like immediate danger, I’d agree that she ought to leave right away, even today, but she has not described anything like that. More to the point, you’re advising her as if you are certain that she can obtain a decree of nullity. That is not at certain. I have a relative who was denied hers. It happens, and I think it is going to start happen more often, because Rome is not convinced that the American tribunals are erring against valid marriages in their judgments.

She must judge their problems to be serious and an imminent danger to her or their children before she can just up and walk out on her own volition. Otherwise, strictly speaking she can’t just take it upon herself to leave him. I’m not saying she could not do so if she had good reason to believe it would be better in the long run for her marriage than leaving, or that she could not do so after a true period of discernment, but according to canon law ending the common conjugal life is something that requires ecclesiastical permission. There is a reason for that.

From the description in her posts, it sounds like the OP is married to a “Peter Pan” man. This will never get better, and could get worse. The best that could happen is that the wife will finish school and earn her degree, get a great job, and support the family, while the man will remain another one of her children. If she is willing to go with this, then everything’s fine. When finances are stable, a Peter Pan man is lots of fun to have around.

The OP is the only one who is fully aware of her entire situation. Perhaps my advice will be useful to her, and perhaps it is not appropriate for her at all. She is free to take all or part of my advice, or to ignore my advice, just as she is free to take or discard any advice from any poster on this forum. She asked for advice, and I gave mine and wished her Godspeed in her situation.

If the OP does leave her husband, it may provide him with the impetus to try to begin to grow up and leave Neverland. It is very hard for a Peter Pan man to learn to be a grownup after learning from birth how to live as a little boy and having his behavior reinforced constantly, usually by a well-meaning mother.

But it can happen, and it is my feeling that if the OP takes a drastic step of leaving him and going home to her parents or other relatives, he will be bereft of any means of support, and this may force him to start the process to get the help he needs to learn to function as a grownup. Right now, by feeding him, the OP is enabling the Peter Pan man to continue to enjoy life as a little boy. She needs to withdraw the support and force him to make a decision to remain in Neverland, or step into the real world.

OTOH, he might just go home to whoever supported him before he got married. But at least the OP won’t be supporting him.

 

[EasterJoy]

From the description in her posts, it sounds like the OP is married to a “Peter Pan” man. This will never get better, and could get worse. The best that could happen is that the wife will finish school and earn her degree, get a great job, and support the family, while the man will remain another one of her children. If she is willing to go with this, then everything’s fine. When finances are stable, a Peter Pan man is lots of fun to have around.

The OP is the only one who is fully aware of her entire situation. Perhaps my advice will be useful to her, and perhaps it is not appropriate for her at all. She is free to take all or part of my advice, or to ignore my advice, just as she is free to take or discard any advice from any poster on this forum. She asked for advice, and I gave mine and wished her Godspeed in her situation.

If the OP does leave her husband, it may provide him with the impetus to try to begin to grow up and leave Neverland. It is very hard for a Peter Pan man to learn to be a grownup after learning from birth how to live as a little boy and having his behavior reinforced constantly, usually by a well-meaning mother.

But it can happen, and it is my feeling that if the OP takes a drastic step of leaving him and going home to her parents or other relatives, he will be bereft of any means of support, and this may force him to start the process to get the help he needs to learn to function as a grownup. Right now, by feeding him, the OP is enabling the Peter Pan man to continue to enjoy life as a little boy. She needs to withdraw the support and force him to make a decision to remain in Neverland, or step into the real world.

OTOH, he might just go home to whoever supported him before he got married. But at least the OP won’t be supporting him.

In this economy, not everyone who rashly quit his job and then dinked around and failed to get another job is a “Peter Pan” man or “a little boy”. Not everyone who dallies with the mid-life fantasy of letting his wife bring in the salary while he is a kept man is a little boy who won’t grow up. It is possible to give oneself over to a fit of immaturity after a life of maturity, and that this not be a durable condition!

If this husband has a normal prior job record and the OP never sought outside counselling, do you think the OP is going to convince a Church tribunal that her husband is a bona fide “Peter Pan” who lacks the capacity for marriage, just because he wasn’t anyone’s shining example when he was on unemployment? I don’t think so. For a marriage to be invalid, there has to be lack of capacity or lack of intent at the time the vows were taken. If a person has full capacity and the full intention to keep their marriage vows and then decides later willfully not to do it, that doesn’t make the marriage invalid. It makes it miserable, but it doesn’t retroactively nullify what was valid.

A physical separation might well be in order, particularly if his unemployment has made him verbally insensitive, but it is cheaper to feed him than to divorce him. Divorce is expensive. She ought to finish her degree first, and put as little upheaval into her own life as a student as she can. Her status as a student at least ought to give her some minimal level of personal health care coverage, besides, possibly even mental health resources. Depending on the laws of her state, a legal separation might be necessary to protect her from financial repercussions if they are separated and she fears he might get financially vindictive. (I mean, he might not be tempted to overspend if he thinks he might be stuck paying the whole bill himself.) This is the broad kind of information that state bar associations sometimes put on their websites, as a public service, if she wants to avoid the expense of consulting a lawyer (or just wants to save herself money by keeping any meetings with a lawyer as brief as possible.)

I think she would also be wise to look into a scholarship for a Retrovialle weekend. I don’t think her husband is remotely aware of the danger into which he has put his marriage by his failures to do his duty. I also don’t know why he has failed his marital duties. A weekend like that, however, could put him on the spot to give some answers.

Now, if she were to tell him that he either needs to get whatever free counselling with her they can (or go on a Retrovaille weekend, at the very least), or else get a job, or else they’re going to need to separate, I think it could be argued that she is merely trying to save their marriage. The boat is taking on water, and he is doing nothing. The actions I describe are the equivalent of: you can call the Coast Guard, you can help me bail, or else I’m getting onto a life boat before this thing sucks us both under. I can’t help you if I stay here as if you didn’t need to move from what you were doing or as if nothing was wrong. I’d just be going down with you, and I can’t let that happen to us.

I think that is what she means by a separation that is meant to be temporary, and of course I’d agree with you that this could wake her husband up before they’re forced to have this conversation from the car that they’re living in. (A car that won’t be able to receive the fruits of the cable TV contract that they’ll still be paying on.) I’d think carefully about how to deliver it–I think it would be better if she expressed her sadness over the situation more strongly than her understandable anger, because the sadness is less likely to make him react in a defensive way–but the situation is sufficiently serious for that kind of ultimatuum. Yes, I’m afraid it clearly is. I think perhaps she could raise the possibility, and then if something does not change, reiterate the possibility and give a deadline she intends to keep.

 

[LSK]

Ok,

Not everyone is a perfect Catholic.

I was not Catholic until a few years ago.

I have 3 kids, he has 2. We were married in the Church.

I am just finishing school because I went back after 10 years of not finishing my BFA.

Any other questions?

Ok, I get it. I just did not follow the thread and there are quite a few people who come on this site with the idea that they are going to ‘get’ the Catholics. They try to do so by asking questions and then, as the story unfolds, it becomes weirder and weirder or more and more difficult and soon the Catholics are sniping at each other and the troll thinks they have proven how horribly unChristian the Catholics are and that they have WON some sort of battle.

As far as I know, Ana, there has only been one perfect created Catholic and I am pretty sure it was not me so I betcha it is not you either.

The question I have now is, how many of the children are in your home full time? Are the two of you supporting all five? That must be quite the burden.

I am wondering if you are going to be able to continue with school. This does not sound like the best time to be going back, even though you may really want to go.

 

[AnaTurin]

Ok,

If I’m going to separate from him, why on earth would I pack up and take my kids to a shelter and leave him here with all my furniture, possessions and apartment that I paid the rent on last month???

I don’t think so. If anyone is going to do the leaving, it will be him.

ANYWAY,
I HAVE to finish school. Im not going to school like it's some kind of fun kind of "hobby" that I'm indulging in. IF I even am able to get a job right now, it will probably be something along the lines of a restaurant @ minimum wage. THAT is why I need to finish school. Do you all think it's better for me and my kids in the long run for me to work at Taco Bell so I can pay 2/3 of my rent for a few months, or if I struggle and probably get almost evicted and finish school and perhaps hope to have an actual career one day?