How to reconcile sexual history?

[fgh_123]

I’m currently seeing a girl informally, someone I’ve grown to care a great deal about. She is a fantastic girl who I could actually see a future with.

My problem however is reconciling her sexual history (polyamarous relationships etc). As someone who has remained chaste, I find it hard to understand and accept. It’s not a question of my opinion towards her really, more that I do not understand it at all, and moreover what problems it might bring in the future.

How can I get it out of my mind, be fully trusting and move on?

Thanks

 

[DeniseNY]

How is she living her life now? Does she recognize that living a life of that type was sinful ?

 

[fgh_123]

How is she living her life now? Does she recognize that living a life of that type was sinful ?

Well she said is prepared to date monogamously with me, but I’m not sure she thinks of her behaviour as sinful…

 

[anp1215]

Well she said is prepared to date monogamously with me, but I’m not sure she thinks of her behaviour as sinful…

hmmm, be careful with this. It would be different if she had sincerely repented and committed to start her life anew according to Godly morals, but the fact that she hasn’t sends up red flags for me.

You say that she is prepared to date monogamously with you…what does she even mean by this? You could both have very different ideas about what this means…coming from a girl who has had polyamorous relationships, to me that sounds like she is willing to be sexually involved with only you IF you have a dating relationship, but she could still be involved with multiple sexual partners right now.

Tread lightly.

 

[EasterJoy]

Consider how you deal with your past sins. If you don’t have any, well, you will be penance enough for her, be sure of that!

Seriously, though, I think the key is in deciding whether or not she is honest in general. Having a past of “polyamorous relationships” is one thing. That was not moral, but it was presumably consensual and above board. A person in a relationship like that can move to a relationship in which the expectation is monogamy, and do fine…and, in fact, I would suspect that a little taste of true polyamory might cure a person for life. Assuming she does not glamourize that kind of a set-up, but wants nothing more of it, I could believe she means it. The glamour does have a way of wearing off! If, OTOH, she only makes this her personal policy, consider that this will be the mother of your children. It is not just her intended actions that count, but what she intends to treat her children…your children. You do not want to be the lone voice for purity in your family.

Having a stormy past with lots of mistakes…that happens when people start dating without chaperones and with a lot of peer pressure to “hook up” into couples. It is not at all unusual for people to renounce that kind of past and then really walk their talk thereafter. Having a past in which a potential partner has deceived her boyfriends is another thing altogether. I don’t mean once. I mean a history. Don’t believe anyone who says, “I lied to so-and-so and cheated on him, but he was a jerk. I would never lie to you.” If she has that kind of attitude, run.

 

[chevalier]

Well she said is prepared to date monogamously with me, but I’m not sure she thinks of her behaviour as sinful…

Red flag, sir, red flag.

At some level, what is believed to be “polyamory” may just be a specific view on plain silly young human inability to make a decision, and a choice. Likewise, multiple concurrent sexual relationships may just be a façade for what is really uncommitted sex (basically only with people one feels attracted to as opposed to completely random). On the other hand, there may really be some ideology in it. (I am not saying that unpretentious promiscuity is better than polyamory but I suppose the former is more “natural”, and I’m not sure as to which one is the more perverted.)

Without having the benefit of being a psychologist or counsellor or anything of the sort, I would perhaps in some cases see this kind of silly young indecision as being the real case, without focusing much on the made up ideology. But if there really were some ideology to it, or an inability to be with one person, then I would really worry.

At any rate, don’t expect things to be easy and don’t expect the girl to hold normal, healthy views on things. You probably can’t really expect her to have views in common with you on a number of moral, social and other such issues.

On the other hand, there is no need to harden your heart if she could actually repent and change her ways and leave that stuff behind her. This still with the caveat that, to paraphrase St. Paul, you don’t know if you can save her if she becomes your wife. What is more, if you meet a girl who comes from a secular culture or some other, different culture, not sharing our faith, you can’t really expect her to share our tenets right off the bat, although to some extent natural law, written into the hearts of men, does regulate sexual morality (polygamy and thus polyamory not being obvious to, among others, Muslims, and actually accepted in the Old Testament, as we remember). So while I wouldn’t necessarily consider her irreformable, I still wouldn’t count on it. Which is a tough spot to be in. I may seem to some of our veteran posters to be saying this all the time (while each time truthfully, I assure you), I’ve been there done that. I can relate to what you’re going through. I can also imagine, to some extent, where it may lead. And that’s not a pretty place. Be brave. But be wise too.

 

[DeniseNY]

I see red flags as well.

But without question, I think it is possible for people to truly change and turn away from things they’ve done in the past (if they sincerely want to change). If you see this potential in her, maybe you could just try getting to know her better and finding out what her views, what she sees in her future, are and how she wants to live her life. I think that’s the best way to figure this out. If you think you’re heading down the same path, that’s wonderful! If not, you’ll have to decide what you can live with, and what you cannot.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I’m currently seeing a girl informally, someone I’ve grown to care a great deal about. She is a fantastic girl who I could actually see a future with.

My problem however is reconciling her sexual history (polyamarous relationships etc). As someone who has remained chaste, I find it hard to understand and accept.

It’s not your job to accept it or reject it. It’s her past and her life and, in fact, not your business.

It’s not a question of my opinion towards her really, more that I do not understand it at all, and moreover what problems it might bring in the future.

What problems in the future? Like running into one of her previous lovers? If you want a virgin, go find one and don’t lead this woman on. If you like her, if you want to pursue a relationship, part of what I think you need to do is really honestly ask yourself if you can respect her* right now as she is*. Again, her past is not about you.

How can I get it out of my mind, be fully trusting and move on?

To be very honest, I don’t think you can. But I will say this: you seem to genuinely like her. We are the sum of our experiences and how we react to those experiences. She has lived as she has lived. And without that life, she might not be someone you like all that much.

Now, has she asked you how many lies you’ve told? How many lustful thoughts you’ve had, how many times you masturbated? Is she very interested in your past sins?

Another question: are you sure that part of your attraction to her isn’t about her past sexual activities? You could “rescue” her but still get an experienced and exciting woman? But one you can always feel superior to because of her “checkered past?”

I see red flags, too, but for her.

I will, however, as a woman with my own past, explain it to you:

Everyone doesn’t see this as a sin. In fact, many see it has a healthy thing, and don’t attach moral consequences when adults are mutually choosing what to do with one another. Adequate and intelligent use of birth control prevents the worst-case scenario. This is called “recreational sex” or “friends with benefits” these days.

The problem is: in practice it doesn’t work that way. Which we learn and then we want something different. People who don’t come from strong faith backgrounds don’t even know how to begin. Possibly her attraction to you is to finally find some true intimacy and companionship.

But I guarantee you, this will not work if you have in mind that you are in any way “better” than she is because you made different choices. You aren’t.

Think carefully before proceeding.

 

[fgh_123]

hmmm, be careful with this. It would be different if she had sincerely repented and committed to start her life anew according to Godly morals, but the fact that she hasn’t sends up red flags for me.
You say that she is prepared to date monogamously with you…what does she even mean by this? You could both have very different ideas about what this means…coming from a girl who has had polyamorous relationships, to me that sounds like she is willing to be sexually involved with only you IF you have a dating relationship, but she could still be involved with multiple sexual partners right now.
Tread lightly.

I’d trust that she would not be, and as a guy who dosen’t trust easily, I’m fairly confident that she is not having other sexual relations at the moment. If I thought it for a second, I wouldn’t still be seeing her.
I guess a heart to heart chat might clear the air somewhat, touchy subject though it may be?

Consider how you deal with your past sins. If you don’t have any, well, you will be penance enough for her, be sure of that!

Seriously, though, I think the key is in deciding whether or not she is honest in general. Having a past of “polyamorous relationships” is one thing. That was not moral, but it was presumably consensual and above board. A person in a relationship like that can move to a relationship in which the expectation is monogamy, and do fine…and, in fact, I would suspect that a little taste of true polyamory might cure a person for life. Assuming she does not glamourize that kind of a set-up, but wants nothing more of it, I could believe she means it. The glamour does have a way of wearing off! If, OTOH, she only makes this her personal policy, consider that this will be the mother of your children. It is not just her intended actions that count, but what she intends to treat her children…your children. You do not want to be the lone voice for purity in your family.

Having a stormy past with lots of mistakes…that happens when people start dating without chaperones and with a lot of peer pressure to “hook up” into couples. It is not at all unusual for people to renounce that kind of past and then really walk their talk thereafter. Having a past in which a potential partner has deceived her boyfriends is another thing altogether. I don’t mean once. I mean a history. Don’t believe anyone who says, “I lied to so-and-so and cheated on him, but he was a jerk. I would never lie to you.” If she has that kind of attitude, run.

Haha, cheeky sod. Agree though, I certainly will be lacking some of the finer points in areas. Plenty of time to learn though.
I honestly thought that it was all over and done with and that the girl genuinely liked me, then I could understand it and hopefully accept it.
The girl is honest, that much I can trust her on implicitly. So I certainly do not reckon her for a cheater or deceiver, literally one of my most disliked type of people on this planet.

Red flag, sir, red flag.
At some level, what is believed to be “polyamory” may just be a specific view on plain silly young human inability to make a decision, and a choice. Likewise, multiple concurrent sexual relationships may just be a façade for what is really uncommitted sex (basically only with people one feels attracted to as opposed to completely random). On the other hand, there may really be some ideology in it. (I am not saying that unpretentious promiscuity isut be wise too.

The girl was brought up Catholic herself, from strict parents from what I gather. I guess a fear of mine is that I can’t comprehend where she is coming from (in terms of the ramifications of sex, multiple partners etc etc), and that it frightens me slightly in my lack of knowledge and thus being ableto deal with it, especially in regards the future.

Like I said below, there is a difference between having had a sexual partner or two, but multiple people really is completely alien to me. You mentioned that it may be an inability to make a choice? I would have a fear of being “just another choice” especially with someone who has chosen a fair few times already.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been tempted myself for the past few years of university, and maybe in hindsight it would have been better for me to have gone down that path so I could understand this girl better. Hmm.

 

[fgh_123]

I see red flags as well.

But without question, I think it is possible for people to truly change and turn away from things they’ve done in the past (if they sincerely want to change). If you see this potential in her, maybe you could just try getting to know her better and finding out what her views, what she sees in her future, are and how she wants to live her life. I think that’s the best way to figure this out. If you think you’re heading down the same path, that’s wonderful! If not, you’ll have to decide what you can live with, and what you cannot.

That’s what I hope to try and get out of this. She ticks all the right boxes for me, except for this issue which I’m trying to comprehend.
It saddens me a lot, as she really is a very special girl, and I would happily take a bullet to the leg or her being a rogue, than have to face this issue. It’s so personal and reaches into areas that are oft not explored.

It’s not your job to accept it or reject it. It’s her past and her life and, in fact, not your business.

What problems in the future? Like running into one of her previous lovers? If you want a virgin, go find one and don’t lead this woman on. If you like her, if you want to pursue a relationship, part of what I think you need to do is really honestly ask yourself if you can respect her* right now as she is*. Again, her past is not about you.

To be very honest, I don’t think you can. But I will say this: you seem to genuinely like her. We are the sum of our experiences and how we react to those experiences. She has lived as she has lived. And without that life, she might not be someone you like all that much.

Now, has she asked you how many lies you’ve told? How many lustful thoughts you’ve had, how many times you masturbated? Is she very interested in your past sins?

Another question: are you sure that part of your attraction to her isn’t about her past sexual activities? You could “rescue” her but still get an experienced and exciting woman? But one you can always feel superior to because of her “checkered past?”

I see red flags, too, but for her.

I will, however, as a woman with my own past, explain it to you:

Everyone doesn’t see this as a sin. In fact, many see it has a healthy thing, and don’t attach moral consequences when adults are mutually choosing what to do with one another. Adequate and intelligent use of birth control prevents the worst-case scenario. This is called “recreational sex” or “friends with benefits” these days.

The problem is: in practice it doesn’t work that way. Which we learn and then we want something different. People who don’t come from strong faith backgrounds don’t even know how to begin. Possibly her attraction to you is to finally find some true intimacy and companionship.

But I guarantee you, this will not work if you have in mind that you are in any way “better” than she is because you made different choices. You aren’t.

Think carefully before proceeding.

It is my business if I was to decide to actually put in serious effort with her. In area’s such as relationships, I’m very introverted and for good reason due to my past. For me to be able to commit in any way shape or form would mean that I need confidence and trust in her.

I already know that I like her, a great deal in fact, she is a rare breed of a girl that I can honestly spend time with happily and without reservation. The rare kind of of girl that I’ll drop going out with others to spend time in her company.

I don’t care about running into a previous lover, though any foul play on their part would result in a good kicking p), and I’m not set on looking for a “virgin” as that would be leading the girl on. However, I’ve always held the “longterm” view on things. I have ended relationships before, because I have not felt it would work in the long term.

This isn’t a question however of her having shagged a few blokes, that’s fair enough I guess in this day and age, being brought up differently, having a different perspective in life etc. It’s to do with the fact that I need to be able to reconcile things so that I can give her all that I have got. Not that I am beset by insecurities which I guess will not get easier as the years go by?
I resent heavily the implication that I think of myself as “better”. Different, but only a fool could consider themselves better than someone else.

 

[fgh_123]

Oh, by the way, thank you all for taking the time out of your day’s to write back to me on this issue, especially in such depth.

It really does mean a lot to me.

 

[chevalier]

It’s not your job to accept it or reject it. It’s her past and her life and, in fact, not your business.

Marriage is mutual gift of self (if not in the same sense as a donation of property), it requires mutual gift and mutual acceptance. A fortiori, it hardly is one spouse’s life not the other’s business (although not up to him or her to judge in those terms which are reserved for God). This gift is contemplated before it actually takes place, and a measure of disclosure and coming to terms with the results of it is basically a requirement.

What problems in the future? Like running into one of her previous lovers?

Like returning to previous ideas that it’s possible to love more than one person sexually without taking anything away from any of the multiple concurrent partners? Like starting to think that a monogamous marriage is, after all, an undue restriction? Like having a difficulty staying faithful? Like perhaps not being sexually satisfied by a single partner? None if this is certain to happen but definitely possible and not that unlikely.

If you want a virgin, go find one and don’t lead this woman on.

There’s a long way between non-virgin and polyamory.

If you like her, if you want to pursue a relationship, part of what I think you need to do is really honestly ask yourself if you can respect her* right now as she is*.

True though. And extremely important.

Now, has she asked you how many lies you’ve told? How many lustful thoughts you’ve had, how many times you masturbated? Is she very interested in your past sins?

The problem is basically about those things not really being past but rather dating the OP monogamously being some kind of interruption from what otherwise would be the present.

Another question: are you sure that part of your attraction to her isn’t about her past sexual activities? You could “rescue” her but still get an experienced and exciting woman? But one you can always feel superior to because of her “checkered past?”

That’s a very far-fetched supposition.

 

[anp1215]

Marriage is mutual gift of self (if not in the same sense as a donation of property), it requires mutual gift and mutual acceptance. A fortiori, it hardly is one spouse’s life not the other’s business (although not up to him or her to judge in those terms which are reserved for God). This gift is contemplated before it actually takes place, and a measure of disclosure and coming to terms with the results of it is basically a requirement.

Like returning to previous ideas that it’s possible to love more than one person sexually without taking anything away from any of the multiple concurrent partners? Like starting to think that a monogamous marriage is, after all, an undue restriction? Like having a difficulty staying faithful? Like perhaps not being sexually satisfied by a single partner? None if this is certain to happen but definitely possible and not that unlikely.

There’s a long way between non-virgin and polyamory.

True though. And extremely important.

The problem is basically about those things not really being past but rather dating the OP monogamously being some kind of interruption from what otherwise would be the present.

That’s a very far-fetched supposition.

 

[chevalier]

The girl was brought up Catholic herself, from strict parents from what I gather. I guess a fear of mine is that I can’t comprehend where she is coming from (in terms of the ramifications of sex, multiple partners etc etc), and that it frightens me slightly in my lack of knowledge and thus being ableto deal with it, especially in regards the future.

I can see how hearing about the motivations could help you sort it out. Well, you can’t really ask her whatever she was thinking back then, at least not to satisfy your curiosity and not really at this stage yet, I guess. Nor in a manner close to interrogation and it would honestly be hard not to make it sound like one. On the other hand, if she were to decide to put it behind her and change her life, perhaps you could too (even without understanding it).

Like I said below, there is a difference between having had a sexual partner or two, but multiple people really is completely alien to me. You mentioned that it may be an inability to make a choice? I would have a fear of being “just another choice” especially with someone who has chosen a fair few times already.

I tend to see polyamory as either the lack of ability to choose or lack of belief there is need to choose, or some kind of incomprehensible weirdness when it actually makes a positive point of having multiple partnerships. I once had a friend whom I very much wanted to talk out of that kind of thing. She wasn’t and isn’t a bad person, though I didn’t succeed (maybe because I wasn’t a good enough person). I can imagine that someone believes in that kind of thing in good faith but I’m somewhat annoyed that people from Western civilisation would fall for that sort of imported stuff (sort of like sects).

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been tempted myself for the past few years of university, and maybe in hindsight it would have been better for me to have gone down that path so I could understand this girl better. Hmm.

Don’t regret that you haven’t fallen, and temptation should have given you a lot of understanding too. You can probably understand that some people are allowed to fall for a reason (e.g. teaching them something), which might apply to that girl. Others may be “disallowed” (though not in a free-will-denying sense) from falling for a reason, which might apply to you. In the end it may not have that much to do with personal holiness of the individual as at the time of temptation. Besides, you may have fallen in temptation to some other grave matter under the sixth, so you may already have an idea how it is to commit a serious sexual sin.

Please note that polyamory mustn’t necessary come down to sexual gratification in the simplest possible way. It may be the inability to choose between life or relationship partners rather than sexual partners in the most physical sense. It may be a warped vision of love, perhaps one in which people aren’t putting all their eggs in one basket because they’re afraid of rejection or afraid to commit exclusively (committing to several persons makes each commitment less unique and makes sure there’s no single unique commitment to depend on and risk being hurt so much upon losing it). On the other hand, as I said earlier, it may have been simple promiscuity so many people fall into at a young age (and probably in no small number of cases due to being hurt).

 

[cmscms]

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been tempted myself for the past few years of university, and maybe in hindsight it would have been better for me to have gone down that path so I could understand this girl better. Hmm.

If this girl is making you regret respecting God and thinking you would have been better off having sex outside of marriage just ‘so you could understand her’ - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. She is having a very bad influence on you

CM

 

[joanofarc2008]

What she did in the past isn’t important. It is how she feels about it now. If she believes in the Catholic teaching and can uphold it than by all means that is a good relationship. She may not be ready to call them sins to you because she may be afraid that you are already calling her a sinner and judging her. You may need to back off of this subject and find some forgiveness before approaching again or this may not be the right woman for you. I come from a place of conversion so I do understand where she is coming from and I have been beaten over the head with my sins long after I felt sorry for them and confessed them. It makes one not want to say much about them at all until there is a great level of trust.

 

[EasterJoy]

What she did in the past isn’t important. It is how she feels about it now. If she believes in the Catholic teaching and can uphold it than by all means that is a good relationship. She may not be ready to call them sins to you because she may be afraid that you are already calling her a sinner and judging her. You may need to back off of this subject and find some forgiveness before approaching again or this may not be the right woman for you. I come from a place of conversion so I do understand where she is coming from and I have been beaten over the head with my sins long after I felt sorry for them and confessed them. It makes one not want to say much about them at all until there is a great level of trust.

It isn’t what the person did in the past that bothers me so much. It’s that I would hesitate to marry someone whom I thought would teach my children very different morals than I intended to teach. I do think it takes awhile to not just get onto the other side of the fence, but to realize that you can renounce what you used to accept or support. Provided you’re looking for wiser boundaries and not some position from which to pretend superiority, that doesn’t make you a hypocrite. Still, you’re right: It’s hard to have anyone staring too hard at something you don’t like looking back at.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Like I said below, there is a difference between having had a sexual partner or two, but multiple people really is completely alien to me. You mentioned that it may be an inability to make a choice? I would have a fear of being “just another choice” especially with someone who has chosen a fair few times already.

Have you perhaps answered your own question here?

I think it is important that you are clear on whether you can be with a person whose attitude towards sex is immoral and perverted. (I’m not talking about her past actions or her present.) I’m sure she is a nice girl and all that, but you have every right to be concerned about these things since they will effect you if you pursue a relationship.

If you do decide to carry on seeing her and things don’t work out, worst case scenario is she might dump you for a group of people and do you a huge favour.

 

[Julia_Mae]

It is my business if I was to decide to actually put in serious effort with her.

No,* it really isn’t*, and this is important to understand. And if you could accept that, then maybe this would have a chance. See, you have somehow equated her choice to say yes, with an inability to say “no.” Or her moving from flower to flower to her inability to settle down in the hive.

I understand your need to trust, but trust comes through experience with the person. She could be pure as the driven snow and completely untrustworthy. Love is the action that results from wanting the best for someone else to such an extent we put ourselves second to that. This is the thing you have to be able to do and she has to be able to do and you would both want for one another. That’s the deal. After that, fidelity is a given and the past is irrelevant.

Also, to be really blunt, you have to ask yourself if you have a fairly normal sex drive yourself. If being chaste was a big struggle and you are looking forward to having a whomping good time in bed with your future spouse, well, sounds promising. If it doesn’t seem like such a big deal, well, sexual incompatibility is a tough marital row to hoe.

I resent heavily the implication that I think of myself as “better”. Different, but only a fool could consider themselves better than someone else.

Resenting it is a waste of your time and emotion. We are strangers posting on a forum and I imagine I spoke as if it could be a reality. That it’s something you need to know about yourself. It’s a fair question in context. The answer is whatever you say.

It’s like asking about your sex drive. It’s a reasonable question and issue. I don’t know you and I wasn’t suggesting a thing. Only bringing up issues.

You know, sometimes you just have to throw off your towel and go jump in the surf. You could get hurt. You will survive. You could also come to the surface with a chest full of treasure. Unless some present behavior - present behavior - causes you to doubt, I say surf’s up.

There are no guarantees.

 

[hurting]

A couple of thoughts…

I concur with those who’ve advised to tread lightly, especially in light of the other party’s apparent unwillingness to see the behavior as objectively wrong. I think it would be hard for such a person to now view the marital act in the proper context, insofar as heretofore it has been primarily self-serving and subjected to manipulative influences. The polyamory is really troubling.

Be realistic about how well you’d be able to blot out the thoughts of your potential wife in the arms of multiple other men.