How to Respond Gracefully - Gay Friend Getting Married

[otjm]

I know this is a conservative site but there are other ways to look at this.

I don;t think I would describe the forums as a conservative site, but rather, a site which seeks objective truth.

I had the same issue with a co-worker pending. At one point she had said to me that her family had been Catholic, but in a way that she did not want to discuss further; and she knew I was Catholic.

I was prepared to decline the wedding invitation, but did not need to as she did not invite me. And afterwards we continued to interact as we had before, and I had a number of times in which I interacted with her spouse.

 

[otjm]

I know this is going to hurt my friends’ feelings,

Well, it may or it may not destroy or hurt your friendship.

Part of that may be how clear it was while in college that you were Catholic. And I din’t mean preaching, but rather how you lived your life while at school, and with them. As I noted above, I had a co-worker do the same, and while I don’t go around providing constant commentary that I am Catholic, she knew I was…

Gays, like everyone else, have information and opinions. Some expect that whatever “faith” one has will be a private personal thing and not get in the way of “friendship”. Others have pushed the edge, rather than just wanting to be “accepted”, they now are out to prove a point by challenging those who have a faith which indicates that homosexual activity is immoral.

And others understand that one can be friends, even close friends, in spite of different approaches to the issue of gay marriage.

It is possible you may not be invited, if she understands that presents a conflict to you.

Or she may be oblivious to the conflict, and presume your faith would not create a conflict. There are two alternatives above - not available, or a polite answer as per HomeschoolDad.

Or there may be a third, that she makes this a litmus test of what she perceives as friendship, and you may lose a friend. That may or may not be permanent, and it may or may not splash over onto any of the rest of the circle who decide to take sides.

Should the last occur, then you may have found a real world example of the fact that people have many acquaintances with whom they share a lot, and few friends - those who accept us as we are, not as they want us to be. And we often confuse the two.

That last is a hard lesson, part of growing in life experience and in faith as an adult.

As to the other women in the group, I would not recommend discussing it much unless they bring it up.

 

[Lara]

. . . .Have you had deep discussions on religious or other matters?

For me, it would be more important to risk the friendship to express my views and try to change theirs. In other words, I’d up the ante and share the Good News. . . .

I’d go all in now and convince them to get off this train.

 

[Freddy]

Seems to me that if you don’t go to the wedding then you shouldn’t buy a present. Or send any congratulations. And quite possibly not visit them in their home or invite them into yours. If they have children then the same things apply. Wouldn’t any contact be a sign of approval?

There don’t appear to be any half measures available here.

 

[fide]

fide:

“a housewarming gift” sounds like an endorsement of their new “home together”, to me…

Well, whatever you want to call it…

In any case, this would just be my way of saying “I’m sorry if there were any hurt feelings because I could not come to your wedding, but I do want to be your friend, I wish you all the best, and I’d like to offer this to both of you, as a token of what I hope can be our continued friendship”. There would be no need to come out and say all that — I think it would be implicit.

We can be decent, kind, and civil to people, without approving of their lifestyle. I don’t approve of Catholics marrying invalidly outside the Church, either, but I would want them to understand that I value their friendship.

Not only “can” - we ought to be decent, kind and civil to people, whether they are in darkness or in the light. More, we ought to be loving to all people, and love calls us to do good for others. It is challenging, to be sure, to find ways to do good for all people. - especially for some people, those who are not doing good for themselves but are choosing lives of sin - of self-destruction.

But to do good for a person is certainly not always to do what they think would be good! An old phrase that used to be understood was, “tough love” - something that I think all parents have learned. “Tough love” is not easy for the one loving, nor - at least right away - for the one “tough loved”. But if it is true, its goodness will be seen in time.

 

[sorrowful1]

Despite being a Catholic, I don’t have anything against gay marriage. This is the only area of conflict I find myself in Catholicism. My sexual orientation is straight but I don’t understand it why one human loving another of the same sex should be a sin. But then, I’m not God and these are beyond my understanding.

Sorry, if I’ve offended fellow Catholic members.

 

[poche]

You should tell her that you have been unavoidably called out of town and will be unable to attend. Then if you have to drive just outside of the city you live in and then turn around and go back home.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

one human loving another of the same sex should be a sin.

It’s not a sin.
In fact, we are commanded to love (agape) everybody.
But we can only have sexual relations with our spouses.

 

[FiveLinden]

What would you say to a friend intending to marry a divorced person?

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

If they’re a Catholic, I’d remind them of Church teaching and then they’d get ticked off and oh well.

Other religions dint have a prohibition against it so it’s a different situation.

 

[CathoRick]

If they are still very close friends, I would explain why it is you cannot attend and, if they are as tolerant and inclusive as they should be, they will accept that response. If they don’t, then their hypocrisy is something they, not you, will have to cope with.

Non-Catholics have tried pushing me into doing things they (usually) know go against my beliefs and then get mad when I decline. Best case scenario, they have no malicious intent and are shocked that your beliefs do not perfectly align with their own, but oftentimes they’re just testing the waters to see what they can bully you into doing as well.

Otherwise, if your friendship has grown more distant since college and you aren’t in touch very often, you could probably get away with making plans for that day, notifying the women of your unavailability, and following through with said plans.

 

[TMC]

It’s possible your friend already hates Christianity.

Why would you assume this? Lots of gay people are Christian, and most who are not do not “hate” Christianity.

My guess is the friendship will not hold up anyhow.

Wow. Why would you predict this? This is a very uncharitable assumption.

 

[TMC]

I know this goes against the grain, but I would go to the wedding. If you are not comfortable being part of the wedding, be honest and say so. But I would go and be there for her big day. Just my opinion.

 

[CJS]

The church I go to embraces LGBTQ, as do I. Your response is why young people dont want anything to do with christianity. So sad that people are so self righteous. I know all of your arguments and talking points .

 

[mrsdizzyd]

Seems to me that if you don’t go to the wedding then you shouldn’t buy a present. Or send any congratulations. And quite possibly not visit them in their home or invite them into yours. If they have children then the same things apply. Wouldn’t any contact be a sign of approval?

There don’t appear to be any half measures available here.

No. It would not. The issue is the ceremony/celebration not the people in the ceremony. They are children of God deserving of love and respect. There aren’t any grounds for shunning them as you suggest.

Christ did not shun people. In the scriptures, we frequently see him interact with, dine with, admonish, and absolve sinners. What we do not see him do is celebrate sin (which is exactly what attending the wedding would be).

 

[TheLittleLady]

There is no problem. We are not forbidden from eating with sinners. If we were, we could not ever share a meal with anyone.

 

[TheLittleLady]

It’s possible your friend already hates Christianity. For me, it would have already been difficult to maintain the friendship upon learning of her lesbianism. How have you maintained the friendship so far? Have you had deep discussions on religious or other matters?

My heart breaks for readers of this post who are LGBTQI and are struggling with their Faith. A post like this can be nothing but hurtful.

Come visit sometime, I’d like to introduce you to people like my friend who is a gay man and is the Grand Knight in his KoC group, for one. I know many people who are both gay and Christian.

We are commanded by Christ to love people, the Good News is love, not a wagging shame finger.

I’d go all in now and convince them to get off this train.

Homosexuality is not like a mohawk haircut or a nose piercing or playing in a garage band that someone just decides to give up. We do not know who some people have this attraction.

The Catechism is VERY clear when you read all of the passage:

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

 

[Welshrabbit]

So then would attending the wedding of a homosexual couple be acceptable if they are not Catholic?

Would attending the wedding of a heterosexual person who has been divorced and is now re-marrying be acceptable if they are not Catholic?

 

[John_Martin]

Well, they are not getting married; they are inventing and pretending marriage just as children pretend to be firemen or doctors, and they are inviting people to pretend with them at their pretend wedding ceremony and reception, just as children invite adults to their pretend tea parties with their dolls.

Basically, the guests are called in to approve of the pretense, just as Jesus was called to approve of stoning the woman caught in adultery. Jesus did not play with them, until finally they went away, and then he did not play with the woman, instead calling her to a life of hitting the mark of chastity from then on, and she did; she was chaste from then on; his command became reality for her, just a health became reality for the blind when Jesus commanded their eyes open.

Silence until they press you for a reply, then wisdom to not consider “make believe” equal to reality.

 

[phil19034]

“a housewarming gift” sounds like an endorsement of their new “home together”, to me…

One can give a “housewarming gift” to an individual too. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a gift for the couple. It can be just for her friend, even if is something that would be displayed in the house or something they both might use.

Here would be the caveat for me: what would you do if this was a Catholic getting married in an invalid, opposite sex “marriage”? If you would send a gift then, you should send a gift now.

In my opinion, we Catholic lay people need to get more consistent. Fornication, adultery & sodomy all have an equal chance of sending a person to hell, and to be honest, more people might be heading to hell from fornication & adultery than from sodomy.