How to Respond Gracefully - Gay Friend Getting Married

[do_justly_love_mercy]

I don’t want to enter into one of those interminable arguments about whether Catholics should attend or take part in same-sex weddings. Personally, I would just go and do whatever they asked me to do. I don’t see this as denying Church teaching. Same-sex marriage is legal in many jurisdictions, just as it’s also legal to remarry after divorce and so on.

Anyway, that said, I get the impression that you have decided that as a Catholic it is not permissible for you to attend or take part in a same-sex wedding. That’s fine. That’s your decision and you are entitled to your views.

That being the case, just tell them how you feel. If your friendship is strong enough, they will respect your beliefs. We can be friends with people who don’t share our beliefs or who make different choices in life. I wouldn’t try to sugarcoat it or duck the issue. They’ll respect you more for being upfront. If you try to get out of it by making up an excuse, they’ll probably see through it, and that will upset them more than just telling the truth.

Just say, “Thank you very much for inviting me and asking me to play a special role on this momentous day. Please believe me when I say that I feel very honored to know that our friendship means so much to you, as, of course, it does to me too. As you probably know, I am a Catholic. You probably won’t be too surprised to learn that I would therefore feel unable to take part in your wedding ceremony. Sadly, I don’t feel able to be there, but you’ll both be in my thoughts and prayers all day. I hope you have a wonderful time without me and that we’ll all see each other very soon.”

For what it’s worth, I once invited a Protestant friend to Mass for a special occasion for me. She said thank you very much for asking me, but I reject the idea of transubstantiation and also will not enter a place of worship where what you call the Blessed Sacrament is reserved, as I consider this to be idolatry. I could respect her point of view. I was a bit disappointed, but I knew we had very different ideas about things. I’d have thought a lot less of her if she’d made up some excuse. I’m not pleased that she thinks my religion is idolatrous, but I am pleased that we’re mature enough that she can tell me so.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Just say, “Thank you very much for inviting me and asking me to play a special role on this momentous day. Please believe me when I say that I feel very honored to know that our friendship means so much to you, as, of course, it does to me too. As you probably know, I am a Catholic. You probably won’t be too surprised to learn that I would therefore feel unable to take part in your wedding ceremony. Sadly, I don’t feel able to be there, but you’ll both be in my thoughts and prayers all day. I hope you have a wonderful time without me and that we’ll all see each other very soon.”

This is golden. Very well put.

For what it’s worth, I once invited a Protestant friend to Mass for a special occasion for me. She said thank you very much for asking me, but I reject the idea of transubstantiation and also will not enter a place of worship where what you call the Blessed Sacrament is reserved, as I consider this to be idolatry. I could respect her point of view. I was a bit disappointed, but I knew we had very different ideas about things. I’d have thought a lot less of her if she’d made up some excuse. I’m not pleased that she thinks my religion is idolatrous, but I am pleased that we’re mature enough that she can tell me so.

I have no issue whatsoever with situations like this. I have found that many people set themselves up, wittingly or unwittingly, for what I call “emotional slipdowns” (as in when you slip on a spill, or a piece of fruit, or something, and fall in a grocery store, creating a liability situation for the grocer) — “I am presenting you with this situation that requires you to make a moral choice consonant with my wishes, and you will either give me the reaction I want from you, or I will get mad at you and throw a fit”. It’s very childish, but also very common. It’s also very effective, if you give them their way. I don’t give them their way.

I have no expectation whatsoever that anyone is going to agree with me on matters of faith or morals — in fact, I’m overjoyed when they do! — and I am in no way offended when someone thinks differently from me. One time, a coworker gave me a Jack Chick comic book that was not anti-Catholic-themed per se, but it did have a blurb in it suggesting that the Pope is the Antichrist. I told him that I appreciated his being willing to share this with me, and that I appreciated his concern for my spiritual welfare. And that was all I said. What else could I have said? Throw a hissy fit and protest loudly “you have called my Pope the Antichrist, how dare you, I don’t want to be your friend anymore”? Some Catholics might do that, but I wouldn’t. Knowing what I knew about my coworker, he was demonstrating precisely the behavior I would have expected. If he had pursued a conversation about it, I would have said something like “many people see it the way it’s described in the book, I get that, I’ve heard this argument before, but let me explain to you why that idea isn’t right”.

 

[Freddy]

‘We’ve been together for twenty years so we’re having a big party and as you’re my best friend you’re obviously invited’.
‘Sorry, I found out that you were never married. No can do’.

‘I’m driving Dave into the city so he can get a vasectomy. Can you look after the kids for me?’
‘And help you in sinning? No chance’.

‘Dave in accounts is getting married this weekend. How much do you wanna put in for the office present?’
‘But Dave’s gay. I can’t give anything’.

‘Suzy needs Friday off cos she’s going away for the weekend with her guy. She needs you to cover for her. That ok?’
‘And be party to fornication? No way’.

 

[otjm]

There have been Catholics since when the Apostles were still alive, who did not accept all of the Church’s teachings, so I am not exactly shocked to find that there are Catholics who reject what the Church teaches about gay marriage.

I am not self- righteous; I just follow the Magisterium. I accept people who have SSA just as I accept people who do not; I treat all as children of God.

If you think that you have to defy Church teaching to be able to treat people W=with SSA, then you are mistaken; it is not I who is self righteous; I just follow the Magisterium.

I would suggest that those who think they know better and are far wiser in the few years they have been alive than the Church does after 2000 years of meditating on what Christ, the Apostles, and St. Paul have said might need to step back and really examine that attitude.

 

[otjm]

The Roman Church attempts to pigeonhole and legalize our theology as opposed to applying ancient Biblical teachings to a lifestyle and concepts the book’s curators could never dream of.

Not to make too fine a point of it, but it would appear that the Episcopal Church may have chosen to ignore St. Paul; I would be a bit hesitant to be describing “Biblical teachings to a lifestyle” by using a pick-and-choose approach; St Paul seems to be fairly cognizant of lifestyles and has a bit to say about them.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

There have been Catholics since when the Apostles were still alive, who did not accept all of the Church’s teachings

Just out of curiosity, what would have been some examples of this? I don’t mean disputed or doubtful issues, I mean clear, authoritative teachings of the Church. If I’m understanding the 2000-year panorama of Catholic history, if you denied what the Church teaches, you were a heretic. Heretics cease to be Catholics.

I am not self- righteous; I just follow the Magisterium. I accept people who have SSA just as I accept people who do not; I treat all as children of God.

Same here, or I try to, anyway.

Not to make too fine a point of it, but it would appear that the Episcopal Church may have chosen to ignore St. Paul; I would be a bit hesitant to be describing “Biblical teachings to a lifestyle” by using a pick-and-choose approach; St Paul seems to be fairly cognizant of lifestyles and has a bit to say about them.

Hear hear! My thoughts exactly. St Paul’s writings are just as applicable to our own day, as they were to his day. The Bible tends to be like that.

 

[TC3033]

Not narrowing it down at all. Don’t see where you get that .

Southern non-Catholics. You don’t see where that’s narrowing it down to a specific demographic?

if you are not already aware of this, Catholic couples have to wait at least six months…

Well, I was married in a Catholic church…so ya, I have an idea of what goes into it.

Catholics absolutely cannot elope to Gatlinburg, Branson, Las Vegas, or wherever, and find a priest to marry them. Doesn’t happen.

I understand they “cannot”…but is there a website that indicates this does not happen? Just because one isn’t supposed to do something doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I know that my (now Lutheran) SIL had to go through some sort of “pre wedding” preparation for her wedding (which was Lutheran)…

 

[Flor]

This is a hard question. There’s several good answers here. Telling the truth, although you love her and wish her the best, you cannot attend because you are a Catholic = good. Being tactful, you’d love to come but you are busy that day = good.
It could depend on how close of a friend she is to you, and how you handle closer friendships versus not as close. I tend to tell closer friends the plain truth, and others get a surface polite version. But you might be the opposite, knowing the truth will hurt her you could be inclined to do the polite excuse.
Really a sticky wicket nowadays. Sorry.
If your conscience tells you it’s wrong to go, then you can’t.
Here’s another thought : because one is invited to an occasion, they shouldn’t feel obligated to go or need to make an elaborate excuse. Yet being kind is usually the right response.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

The Christian thing to do is show charity and solidarity with your fellow sinners especially if they are your friends. You could remain friends to help them along in their journey. You have received friendship from them and they may be some of the only people who will ever be your friends so you should keep them around. And now there is another woman joining the friendship. You should not only go to the wedding with cheerfulness but also try to show that you are sympathetic to sinners. So if you go bring a date, or show up stag with a friend (seems like they wouldn’t care). Whether you go or not you could give a wedding card that says that although you are happy for their friendship you want to tell them that you are also a sinner and there are no hard feelings toward them since you are Catholic. Writing that may make them curious about your beliefs so include some quotes from the CCC about matrimony and homosexuality in the wedding card for their benefit of your beliefs.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Some questions this thread brings up…

Do we have the right (or even the obligation) to make decisions about the morality of sexual activities?
How seriously do we take this?

Is Christianity just a hobby (like your stamp collection) that you may play at as long as it doesn’t bother anybody else?
Or is it a real guide to life?

What does it mean to “celebrate”?
What do we owe our friends?
What do they owe us?

Each of these questions just opens up a new rabbit hole

 

[Irishmom2]

The one thing that has not been discussed here is whether the OP’s friends are Catholic or not. I am not sure going to a wedding of non-Catholics and being there is the same as going to a “wedding” of two Catholics in a same sex relationship.

As Catholics, would we not attend the second marriage of 2 non-Catholics? We cannot force the world to live by our laws for marriage, but we can care/react if they are Catholic.

 

[Elf01]

As Catholics, would we not attend the second marriage of 2 non-Catholics?

I wouldn’t.

 

[Irishmom2]

Why is that? If their religion allows remarriage, how is your not going taking any kind of stand? Would you expect non-Catholics to hold you to their beliefs?

 

[Elf01]

Why is that? If their religion allows remarriage, how is your not going taking any kind of stand? Would you expect non-Catholics to hold you to their beliefs?

I’m not going to give the impression of supporting an invalid marriage. Also it avoids You went to Xs wedding, why won’t you come to mine.

And I wouldn’t expect someone to violate their conscience to support me.

 

[Irishmom2]

How is it invalid? Their church allows it. We are talking about non-Catholics.

 

[Elf01]

How is it invalid? Their church allows it. We are talking about non-Catholics.

The marriage is still invalid.

 

[Irishmom2]

I asked you how it was invalid and you just repeated that it was invalid.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Red herring.

“something, especially a clue, that is or is intended to be misleading or distracting.”
??

My Scriptural references were neither, they were evidence of how Christ told us to live our lives.

But, as Catholics, we ARE told to admonish sinners.

The word “admonish” does not appear even one time in the Catechism. Can you direct me to the official Catholic doctrine?

My assumption when writing on this forum is that most readers are familiar with the basics, love the sinner, hate the sin.

Again, can you show me that from the Catechism or another official doctrinal source? The phrase “hate the sin” does not appear one time in the Catechism. The phrase actually comes from Gandni’s autobiography written in 1929. It is a reworking of a line from Agustine, however, The Angelic Doctor’s writings are not infallible.

 

[VanitasVanitatum]

‘We’ve been together for twenty years so we’re having a big party and as you’re my best friend you’re obviously invited’.
‘Sorry, I found out that you were never married. No can do’.

‘I’m driving Dave into the city so he can get a vasectomy. Can you look after the kids for me?’
‘And help you in sinning? No chance’.

‘Dave in accounts is getting married this weekend. How much do you wanna put in for the office present?’
‘But Dave’s gay. I can’t give anything’.

‘Suzy needs Friday off cos she’s going away for the weekend with her guy. She needs you to cover for her. That ok?’
‘And be party to fornication? No way’.

These are reasonable refusals.

 

[Elf01]

I asked you how it was invalid and you just repeated that it was invalid.

If they were to become Catholic they would need to have their previous marriages investigated.

I’m sure two Catholics who marry outside the Church also think their marriage is valid. Believing something doesn’t make it true.