How to respond to a "lesbian friend"

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An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn’t believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don’t want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!
 
For me it’s sort of simple. Love em’ like crazy, don’t dig the lifestyle. I have a good friend who is a homosexual- doesn’t bother me in the least. I don’t agree with all aspects of how he lives his life, but that’s not for me.

I have a cousin who is a lesbian-I’ve been to her house, played with her dogs, and I love her and her partner alot.

Why should it matter? Frankly, her personal sexual life is none of your affair. If she tries to make it blantant, just say, “Oh, that’s cool.” and change the subject. If she still shoves it down your throat, and can talk about nothing else, then say, “Sorry you’ve changed. Give me a buzz when you can talk about other things.”

Good luck.
 
This is a tough one!

While it is true God loves her… God loves all his children. I think the bigger question is, “How much does she love God?”.

Unfortunately, I can’t think of a way to explain it without sounding arrogant, judgemental or unloving.

I sure hope either the link provided by kage_ar or somebody else can be more helpful than I’ve been! :o

Good luck and God bless!
 
I know this isn’t exactly the same, but how would feel if a long lost highschool friend tried to stop you from marrying the man you loved?
 
Just say:
Well it’s great to reconnect with you. I have been exploring my Catholic faith more in recent years (or however you want to say it) and so I know deep down how much God loves you! I’ve also come to learn much about why many organized religions have those views about sexuality, and I think I can give you a nonjudgmental summary of the idea, if you wish. Believe me, it’s not due to hatred, but love for God and His design for our bodies!

(Cut out that last part if it’s too much, but you get the idea…)
 
Why not just let her be what she is and concentrate on your own salvation and not hers?

You have no idea why she is the way she is.

We are a fallen species and each and every time you encounter someone, you are encountering a sinner who has done something ugly in the eyes of God, and many of us do that because of something ugly done to us for example sexual, physical or emotional abuse as a child or an alcoholic parent, or some other deep wound.

The first person, BTW, to encounter is standing in front of the mirror. We all have some part of ourselves that is deeply flawed in God’s eyes, some temptation that is warped. But He loves us anyway, and gave up His only son for it.

If you really feel you MUST do something to try to get your friend back on track, I suggest praying for her would be at the same time the most efficient, and the least offensive.

But please, please don’t go on about your opinion’s of the Church’s view on same-sex activity.

Because for you to avoid that particular sin is extremely easy. For her it is a huge struggle, and therefore, it wouldn’t be fair to hold her up a to standard which is easy for you but hard for her. Think of your worst recurring sin, and how hard it is for you to overcome it, how you repeatedly struggle and fail. Maybe that will be a tiny bit like walking a mile in her shoes. She’s probably had enough judgement to last a lifetime.

Just be her friend and love her to pieces (and I don’t mean that sexually, I mean in the spirit of Christian love).
 
KKendra said:
An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn’t believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don’t want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!
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You cannot tell her that you think she is a sinner without sounding arrogant or judgmental.
 
This is tough!

To jump right into it would probably make her feel like you are attacking her. I’d start with how good it is to hear from her, and how much she has meant to you. Maybe include some of your fond memories of her.

Then say that you have deepened your Catholic faith, and that you hope she hasn’t fallen for the popular lie that the Church is homophobic.

Then say that you believe her marriage will be wrong - but that won’t change your love for her. Offer to explain why, then end the letter and let her respond.

I hope that she becomes curious, and takes a step towards God. But don’t be disappointed if she doesn’t reply; and don’t be too hurt if she responds badly. You will have tried.

Praying for both of you,

Ruthie
 
Well this is when being Catholic is hard. The world looks at us as monsters whenever express our views. You know what you must do. You must tell her that God loves her but her lifestyle is not the way. After that the most you can do is pray for her and hope she finds her way back home.

God Bless
 
OraLabora said:
Why not just let her be what she is and concentrate on your own salvation and not hers?

You have no idea why she is the way she is.

We are a fallen species and each and every time you encounter someone, you are encountering a sinner who has done something ugly in the eyes of God, and many of us do that because of something ugly done to us for example sexual, physical or emotional abuse as a child or an alcoholic parent, or some other deep wound.

The first person, BTW, to encounter is standing in front of the mirror. We all have some part of ourselves that is deeply flawed in God’s eyes, some temptation that is warped. But He loves us anyway, and gave up His only son for it.

If you really feel you MUST do something to try to get your friend back on track, I suggest praying for her would be at the same time the most efficient, and the least offensive.

But please, please don’t go on about your opinion’s of the Church’s view on same-sex activity.

Because for you to avoid that particular sin is extremely easy. For her it is a huge struggle, and therefore, it wouldn’t be fair to hold her up a to standard which is easy for you but hard for her. Think of your worst recurring sin, and how hard it is for you to overcome it, how you repeatedly struggle and fail. Maybe that will be a tiny bit like walking a mile in her shoes. She’s probably had enough judgement to last a lifetime.

Just be her friend and love her to pieces (and I don’t mean that sexually, I mean in the spirit of Christian love).
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Can I ditto you?
 
KKendra said:
An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn’t believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don’t want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!
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God does indeed love her, He doesn’t love her sin. Its like if someone has a sickness like cancer, we don’t stop loving because of the cancer, we should love more because of the cancer, but we will still hate the cancer. It like sin can kill her. However that being said, we are all called to live chastly, whether married, single or religious. To engage in sex outside of marriage is a grave sin that can push God away from her.
She says that she is getting married, Jesus says that marriage is between only a man and a woman. What she is then in fact doing is living in a lie.Truth is not a matter of opinion. Jesus said I am the Truth, so if she has a problem with it, it is with Jesus, not you. It won’t be you that she is mad at , it will be the Lord, although you may go through a sort of marterdom for a bit until she figures it out.
The Church defines love as desiring the highest and the best for the sake of the beloved, tell her that you want the highest and best things for her, for her to go to heaven.
 
KKendra said:
An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn’t believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don’t want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!
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Well I’m a woman in a relationship with a woman so I would say… Feel free to tell her your unease, if you have a need to, but the worst thing you can do is ‘correct’ her - she has her life and you, yours. She knows about major religions, I’m sure, if she has decided against them, and therefore can make her own choices. You might feel you know more but what really is that based on? Different BELIEFS. And she does not have to believe what you do.

Also, from experience, people saying even the smallest of comments about something like sexuality, have a profound impact. If you have a proper go at her, she is likely only to suffer emotionally from it, and she is very unlikely to give up the relationship that makes her happy, ESPECIALLY if she feels under attack.
 
hellopeople said:
You cannot tell her that you think she is a sinner without sounding arrogant or judgmental.
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Well, the problem with this is that you’re effectively saying that sinners can never be told about their sins (lest the ‘tellers’ be seen as ‘arrogant and judgmental’).

So you’re muzzling truth because it doesn’t sound ‘nice’.

So nobody could tell Kenneth Lay that what he was doing at Enron was wrong. . .because we’d sound arrogant or judgmental.

And nobody could tell Martha Stewart insider trading was wrong, because we’d sound arrogant or judgmental.

Nobody could tell Michael Vicks that abusing animals was wrong because we’d sound arrogant or judgmental.

Etc.

You know, every single one of those people above was found guilty of crimes, right? Wonder if, the very first time they had tried to do something wrong somebody had come up and said,

“Ken, Martha, Michael. . .what you’re doing is wrong.”

But no, we’d sound ‘judgmental’ and arrogant… .so we don’t say anything until people are defrauded and living creatures are killed and maimed. . .then SUDDENLY we can tell them they’re sinners? Suddenly we’re NOT judgmental anymore?
 
But to respond to a lesbian friend. . .

I’d say quite carefully and lovingly.

After all, God does not hate people. . .what He hates is sin. Actions, words, thoughts. . .those can be sinful and thus should be hated, but not people.

People are loved.

But is it ‘love’ to let a person do something dangerous because they ‘like it’ or they have ‘freely’ chosen it?

Would it be ‘loving’ to sit back and let a friend play Russian Roulette with a loaded gun because he really ‘loves’ the suspense?

Would it be loving to sit back while your friend brought home a different sexual partner each night, exposing him/her not only to dangerous or fatal disease but also to the dangers of rape, theft, even murder, just because your friend liked the thrill of 'new sexual experience?"

People might not ‘like’ to hear that some of their choices are poor ones, or could be dangerous or hurtful. But just because they might not ‘like’ to hear doesn’t mean that we should let them go on without hearing it.

How many mothers have wept over the bodies of their sons and daughters because they didn’t want to ‘hurt’ their children by telling them not to do something the child wanted to do–and the child died? And how they must have grieved thinking, “so maybe my child would have thought me mean and miserable. Maybe they would have STILL done this even if I had given them all the information about how dangerous it was and begged them not to do it. But then I’d at least know that they DID know. I’d at least have tried MY hardest to keep them safe. I’d have done everything possible to help them.”
 
Tantum_ergo said:
Well, the problem with this is that you’re effectively saying that sinners can never be told about their sins (lest the ‘tellers’ be seen as ‘arrogant and judgmental’).

So you’re muzzling truth because it doesn’t sound ‘nice’.

So nobody could tell Kenneth Lay that what he was doing at Enron was wrong. . .because we’d sound arrogant or judgmental.

And nobody could tell Martha Stewart insider trading was wrong, because we’d sound arrogant or judgmental.

Nobody could tell Michael Vicks that abusing animals was wrong because we’d sound arrogant or judgmental.

Etc.
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Well, I agree with you. But Lethe implied that things such as these are merely “beliefs” – apparently as a way of saying that there is no such thing as absolute right or wrong, or natural law for that matter.

Charity is always the best. But to countenance relativism is not charity. Kudos, Tantum…
 
KKendra said:
An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn’t believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don’t want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!
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You’ve had the suggestion “just let her be…” - that sounds like a guilty conscience speaking. The person that suggested this probably wishes God and the Church would just let us all be. Wishful thinking!

You apparently don’t have a close relationship with this person, but she has chosen to reconnect with you and to specifically bring up these issues, about her rejection of religion and her embrace of an objectively sinful lifestyle. So she has put you in the position of needing to say something about these issues. Therefore, you should say something, and shouldn’t apologize for doing so.

You should NOT, however, tell her how you ‘feel’ about it (that’s not what’s important - it’s more important to find out how she feels) nor should you simply ‘correct’ her (that kind of thing is at best reserved for fellow Catholics). You need to challenge her, which means risking offending her, but do so in a way that won’t guarantee that she will just walk away as ignorant as she came.

So this is a challenge, but clearly also an opportunity where God is calling you to act. I think what you need to try to do, then, is to open a dialogue, meaning give a respectful, informed, loving response to exactly whatever she has written to you. For instance, point out that you belong to an ‘organized religion’ and that you would be happy to hear about whatever her problems with ‘organized religion’ may be. (Your challenge is to help her to consider as a real possibility that ‘organized religion’ is actually about the Gospel, the good news, not about condemnation and repression.) A great resource you might want to suggest at some point (and take a look at yourself) is John Heard’s (orthodox-gay-Catholic) “Dreadnought” blog. Or take a look at any of Margaret Somerville’s work on gay marriage, e.g.:

marriageinstitute.ca/images/somerville.pdf

Someone like Somerville may be especially helpful in that she comes from a strictly philosophical perspective, so it can be helpful for people who are dismissive of religion but are still (somewhat!) interested in truth. Of course, many people are completely closed-minded on this issue, so they won’t be interested in truth however it is presented or wherever it comes from (that just might be the case for a lot of the responders you’ve gotten here).

I hope that’s helpful!
 
You could respond back with your “life story” including that you are a faithful practicing Catholic -she should know what that means. Anything further I think you would best wait until (if you decide this the direction you want this friendship to go) you’ve re-established a real friendship and you find the right opportunity to gently discuss the church teachings. Any discussion on a topic this emotionally charged and very serious will be pretty fruitless when you don’t have an already established rapport and real connected friendship.
 
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