How to respond to the “sexual compatibility” argument

[Lea101]

I don’t know. My grandparents had an arranged marriage. My grandmother said she was against them because she was given away to be married too early

I think autonomy is important

‘arranged’ marriages are pretty common amongst Muslims here, and some Hindus. In quotes because both the man and woman consent (they can choose their spouse most of the time), but they have to be engaged first before going on a date.

From what I hear, they may eventually feel attractiom but most of them agree that the dynamics of their relationship are very different. Husband is also the ‘boss’ in these cultures, so the women tend to express that they may not feel sexually satisfied at times.

They usually don’t view each other as best friends or romantic partners, but rather a sexual partner and someone to raise children with. Divorces are not sinful in these cultures, although it may be seen as shameful and may create gossip. They tend to be okay with this because that’s how they simply view marriage since young.

 

[Thorolfr]

Divorces are not sinful in these cultures, although it may be seen as shameful and may create gossip. They tend to be okay with this because that’s how they simply view marriage since young.

And divorce is quite easy for Muslim men. All the husband has to do is say, “I divorce you” three times and his wife is divorced. Women, of course, do not have this option available to them, only men. Divorces are discouraged, but as you say, not sinful.

And Shi’i Muslims also have temporary marriages in which the length of the marriage is stipulated in the contract. Such a marriage could last only one day or even a few hours since there is no rule about how long such a marriage should be.

 

[phil19034]

That how can you know if you’re sexually compatible unless you have premarital sex

There is a reason why 50% of couples that engage in premarital sex wind up divorced while well over 90% who do not remain married.

My wife and I engaged in premarital sex with each other before we were married.

Our sexual compatibility was great. However over time wife’s sex drive changed. I can honestly say we are no longer “sexually compatible” in the same way we used to be.

When you have premarital sex, the sex winds up being a MAJOR FACTOR in getting married. This becomes a major problem when the sex drive changes.

When you marry without having pre-marital sex, sexual compatibility is NOT a consideration because you don’t know. Therefore, sex is NOT part of the decision making process.

In other words, you marry someone you are sexually compatible with, if/when the sex drives changes, that can negatively impact your marriage if your marriage was built around your sexual compatibility instead of your shared morals, beliefs, and interests.

I hope this helps

God Bless

 

[tafan2]

Arranged marriages were the absolute norm for most of time, and are still common in many places on earth.

Romance and attraction came after marriage.

This is not quite right. The extent that arranged marriages were ever the norm in Christian cultures is often way overstated. It likely existed only among the noble classes to any significant extent, and even then among the upper nobility. And even then, there were rituals in place for the couple to get aquainted and accept “their fate”, so to speak. Yes, proxy marriages did occur where couples never saw each other, but those abuses were not that common and always seen as a necessary aberration.

Among common people and lesser nobility: certainly there was a lot of “match-making” done by parents and elders among all classes, but it was hardly an enforced arrangement. There was always an acknowledgement of freedom of choice by the prospective spouses. They just were not brought up to make that decision based on romance, but upon practical matters such as their own welfare. This being the case, they would have likely often followed the advice of the matchmakers. But they were not arranged as we consider them today.

 

[Le_Crouton]

Thanks. This is like the only answer which resonated with me in a practical way. Thanks so much

 

[tafan2]

It is pretty much the same answer others have been giving.

 

[Thorolfr]

But wouldn’t it be important to find a prospective spouse physically and sexually attractive? A relationship that will involve some sexual intimacy can’t just be based on shared values, shared interests, etc. If someone doesn’t feel sexually attracted to a spouse, I would think that this would have some impact on their ability to have sex at all. Sex is a biological thing that requires some sexual attraction, otherwise there’s no sexual arousal which would prevent sex from taking place.

 

[phil19034]

But wouldn’t it be important to find a prospective spouse physically and sexually attractive? A relationship that will involve some sexual intimacy can’t just be based on shared values, shared interests, etc. If someone doesn’t feel sexually attracted to a spouse, I would think that this would have some impact on their ability to have sex at all. Sex is a biological thing that requires some sexual attraction, otherwise there’s no sexual arousal which would prevent sex from taking place.

I never said you can’t be sexually attracted to your spouse. But at the same time, you shouldn’t be lusting after him/her either.

But remember, as we age, many of us lose our physical attractiveness.

If a big part of the marriage is based on physical looks, it’s going to be in trouble as the couple ages.

 

[Anicette]

I agree a lot, phil19034,

When sexuality come first, the others topics of compatibility that are important for a marriage, a shared life and raising of catholic Children come second. They are somewhat erased in the passion.
When the passion cools and the real life question arised, there can be some bigs problems who can arised.

You can really end up trapped in the bad marriage because, as sexuality created a deap bond, you may marry someone you would grow up apart and ressent for daily life choices…

 

[dochawk]

Such a marriage could last only one day or even a few hours since there is no rule about how long such a marriage should be.

And in fact, prostitution is sometimes handled through such (very) short term marriages!