How to stay chaste with a wife who contracepts?

[yellow8yellowM]

My wife is using a contraceptive which is an abortifacient. I have proposed that we remain abstinent until she discontinues the abortifacient, which she refuses to do. She threatens divorce if I demand abstinence. We have children.

I have sought the advice of several holy priests and the basic conclusion is that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.

Therefore I have decided to avoid relations as much as possible without inciting a divorce, and I am never to never initiate anything. I go to confession after each marital act.

Is anybody else in this situation? If so, please let me know who you manage it? This is a struggle for me, especially considering my wife is not on board. I am in a constant near occasion of sin.

Also, I feel a little weird confessing this because I am not contrite. I **do not **firmly resolve to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. I can be contrite about not initiating, but since I have decided beforehand that I will give in to her future demands it is impossible to be contrite about the act itself.

I’m looking mostly for help in managing my situation, but if you have thoughts about the contrition part I would love to hear them as well.

 

[DMITRIYL]

It doesn’t sound like you have too many options. The only possible option that might have a chance of not committing mortal sin is to call her bluff on the divorce. If she actually loves you and your children she will not divorce you for something like you following your conscience. This may be overstepping a little, but if she loves you, she would not try to force you to violate your conscience. She would actually admire you for it and appreciate it. I would just say that lesser evil is just to call her bluff on the divorce, if she goes through with it then at least you can say you no babies died. I am sorry this is happening to you and I’ll pray for you.

 

[Cathoholic]

Don’t threaten divorce. That would injure her and your children.

I don’t know what to do, but I know what NOT to do. Don’t threaten to dump your wife.

 

[DrDerrick62]

Well I have not read this whole thread but have you guys tried the rhythm method? I have not explored it much but have known many couples that have kept from having children that way and seem to be comfortable with it. In fact many say it has helped their sex lives to be better! Hope this helps a bit!

 

[Viki63]

Well I have not read this whole thread but have you guys tried the rhythm method? I have not explored it much but have known many couples that have kept from having children that way and seem to be comfortable with it. In fact many say it has helped their sex lives to be better! Hope this helps a bit!

I think you are referring to NFP (Natural Family Planning). It is not called the rhythm method, which probably no one practices any more.
NFP is said to be more effective than oral contraceptives.

Actually, if the OPs wife would consider attending a class on NFP with him, that might be helpful.
Or you might consider counseling. When it gets to the level of threatening divorce to get one’s spouse to do what you want, there’s a problem in the marriage,
As far as the contrition part, it does not seem to me that you have anything to be contrite about, You are dealing with a difficult situation the best way that you can. Our Lord surely understands your situation.

 

[mountee]

Your situation is very disturbing to me as you have described a very tenuous marriage situation. I urge you to attempt with a sincere heart to persuade your wife to go to counseling for the sake of your children and your marriage and your faith. I will be praying for Hod to lead you forward.

 

[AussieTrish]

To knowingly be part of what will kill your children, God’s gift of life and identity to them.
You seem to be saying you will live with that. The children don’t get a say in whether or not they live.
That your wife is happy for you to knowingly conceive children who will be killed by your wife’s choices. She is prepared to put you in this position. It would break my heart if my husband demanded this of me, in fact, blackmails you. I would feel unloved, violated, and used. If you wife doesn’t care about her own conscience, should she find a way not to violate yours?
If Jesus came to your dinner-table, what would you say to Him?

You need hopefully to find a better solution, and others have made some suggestions.

Prayers that God will bring about your own and your wife’s blessing and salvation.

Best wishes in this new year

 

[Lookingforjoy]

Why is your wife using that form of birth control? Is it being used in a medicinal way (for example, sometimes birth control pills are prescribed to treat conditions like PCOS)? Is she afraid of becoming pregnant? Has she ever tried NFP, and did she struggle with it in the past? Maybe if you find out why she insists on his particular form of birth control then you can find a solution that gives her the same benefit without the moral quandary.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’m sorry you are facing this dilemma.

I have sought the advice of several holy priests and the basic conclusion is that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.

Are these priests that know you? And did they use the word “may”? It would seem that a spritual director sort of priest would be able to help you come to a more certain conclusion. I was under the impression that this would be a grave enough reason, and that you would not be sinning. In that case, you don’t need to confess, and you don’t need to have a firm resolve not to do it again, because it’s not a sin.

Therefore I have decided to avoid relations as much as possible without inciting a divorce, and I am never to never initiate anything. I go to confession after each marital act.

This sounds like a conclusion you came to without the help of the priests who were helping you determine that it was ok in the first place? I would suggest that you find one of those priests to help you specifically with this, and ask him to help you with your approach as well. Since one of your goals is to save your marriage, I wonder if the refusal to initiate, and the idea of having as little relations as possible without divorce, might lead (partly) to the marriage breaking down anyway. I am only guessing here, but it sounds like maybe there are other issues in the marriage that could be addressed, and perhaps some marriage counseling would be helpful for you and your wife.

Now assuming the matter of sinfulness is resolved, there is a way to make a gesture to God to show your intentions of not causing abortion. And like the previous poster (who may not have meant this), I am thinking of the rhythm method. I say rhythm method and not NFP, because you can’t use NFP on the pill. But since you are going for a gesture of faithfulness, you could decide to avoid relations for a week during her cycle, in the time that you think she probably would have ovulated if she were not on the pill. Probably not easy to accurately predict (unless you’ve done years of NFP in the past), but you could pick dates like days 11-17 of the cycle (day 1 being the first day of her period) and abstain then. I’m not sure that your wife would be agreeable to this, given what you’ve mentioned so far, but if you have only proposed total abstinence, then this might be a compromise she is willing to live with.

 

[FreeEver]

I have sought the advice of several holy priests and the basic conclusion is that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.
…

I’m looking mostly for help in managing my situation, but if you have thoughts about the contrition part I would love to hear them as well.

I would strongly advise that you follow the advice of the Catholic priests that you are being counseled by. Coming to this site and seeking advice, will result in numerous opinions from individuals with good intentions, however, some may not be best for you and your family.

I’ve noted on this site multiple times that only one side of the story is being reported. I’d like to hear from her also. Why is it that your wife has gone this route? That is, because of health reasons, professional career, just does not want to have any more children, etc.

Once again, continue to seek guidance from official Church authorities.

God Bless and Peace to all.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Is she on the pill? Then do not have sex from day 7 to 2 days after when she could ovulate. The pill keeps a woman on a 28 day cycle so it’s not hard to figure out. Then the chance of break through ovulation would be worked around without doing harm. Basically practicing NFP. Perhaps that’s a solution you both could live with and both be on board with.

 

[bisco]

is she catholic?

 

[on_the_hill]

How can your wife possibly be happy in this marriage? You only have sex with her when you lose control of your urges, and then you head straight to the confessional. What an unhealthy way for you to treat your wife. When you can no longer maintain your abstinence you look to her to “help.” You are not viewing her as your marital partner bound before God, but rather as a mechanism for sinning.

If I were her, I’d have no sexual interest in you at all. You’d be staying chaste whether you wanted to or not. Would I divorce you? Dunno.

But what an awful relationship.

Were you aware of her feelings on this before you got married? Did you used to be o.k. with ABC prior to now?

 

[1ke]

My wife is using a contraceptive which is an abortifacient. I have proposed that we remain abstinent until she discontinues the abortifacient, which she refuses to do. She threatens divorce if I demand abstinence. We have children.

I have sought the advice of several holy priests and the basic conclusion is that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.

You are not under obligation to stop having relations with your wife. Yes, the pill **might **act abortifaciently. It might not. In any given act of intercourse, you are not responsible for such an outcome.

I go to confession after each marital act.

Please stop doing that. You will drive yourself crazy. YOU ARE NOT SINNING by having relations with your wife. She is contracepting. Any sin is hers. Read Vademecum for Confessors. Read Casti Connubi. Read Humanae Vitae.

I am in a constant near occasion of sin.

No, you aren’t. As long as you are not contracepting, you are periodically encouraging her to stop, and you are not encouraging the contraception you are NOT sinning.

Also, I feel a little weird confessing this because I am not contrite. I **do not **firmly resolve to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. I can be contrite about not initiating, but since I have decided beforehand that I will give in to her future demands it is impossible to be contrite about the act itself.

You ARE NOT sinning. Your priests have told you that you are not sinning. Stop throwing yourself on misplaced martyrdom to an imaginary sin.

I’m looking mostly for help in managing my situation, but if you have thoughts about the contrition part I would love to hear them as well.

Have relations with your wife. Pray for her. Continue to try to lead her away from sin. But stop believing YOU are sinning. The Church simply doesn’t teach that you are.

 

[1ke]

Well I have not read this whole thread but have you guys tried the rhythm method?

The rhythm method is an obsolete method of spacing births based on calendar averages and approximations used in the early to mid twentieth century.

Natural family planning uses modern science and observation of actual fertility signs. No guessing, averaging, or approximating. and has been around for over 40 years. The methods continue to improve with technology such as Lady Comp and other fertility detection devices.

 

[1ke]

Is she on the pill? Then do not have sex from day 7 to 2 days after when she could ovulate. The pill keeps a woman on a 28 day cycle so it’s not hard to figure out. Then the chance of break through ovulation would be worked around without doing harm. Basically practicing NFP. Perhaps that’s a solution you both could live with and both be on board with.

You cannot “practice NFP” with hormonal contraceptives. There is no 28 day cycle. You cannot “predict” ovulation. And, we have no authority whatsoever to tell this man not to have sex with his wife.

The bleeding is induced by placebo pills, and actually several manufacturers have abandoned the bleed altogether with continuous hormones in the pills. The bleeds are unnecessary and were only put in the pills in the first place because too many women thought it was “weird” to not have a period. Well, you don’t have a period with the pill. You have withdrawal bleeding from the placebo pills. And, many women used the fake period as a “whew, I’m not pregnant” signal. Over the last decade, many manufacturers have pushed to move away from those placebo pills. Rings, patches, implants, etc, also work on that principle.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are not under obligation to stop having relations with your wife. Yes, the pill **might **act abortifaciently. It might not. In any given act of intercourse, you are not responsible for such an outcome.

Please stop doing that. You will drive yourself crazy. YOU ARE NOT SINNING by having relations with your wife. She is contracepting. Any sin is hers. Read Vademecum for Confessors. Read Casti Connubi. Read Humanae Vitae.

No, you aren’t. As long as you are not contracepting, you are periodically encouraging her to stop, and you are not encouraging the contraception you are NOT sinning.

You ARE NOT sinning. Your priests have told you that you are not sinning. Stop throwing yourself on misplaced martyrdom to an imaginary sin.

Have relations with your wife. Pray for her. Continue to try to lead her away from sin. But stop believing YOU are sinning. The Church simply doesn’t teach that you are.

This is spot on.

It is one thing to avoid an act one believes to be sinful when one does not know better. It is a different thing to avoid marital relations that are not sinful for you when you have been told clearly and repeatedly that you are not sinning nor leading your spouse to sin by doing so.

There is also a duty to try to achieve that measure of peace and unity in your marriage that is in your power to achieve.

 

[EasterJoy]

Also, I feel a little weird confessing this because I am not contrite. I **do not **firmly resolve to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. I can be contrite about not initiating, but since I have decided beforehand that I will give in to her future demands it is impossible to be contrite about the act itself.

I’m looking mostly for help in managing my situation, but if you have thoughts about the contrition part I would love to hear them as well.

One of the most basic rules of the moral life is that our emotional conscience is both a valuable and yet a fallible guide to moral decision-making. Not everything that we ought to do will always feel right, and not everything we ought not do will always feel wrong. A sociopath won’t feel good about doing good and bad about doing bad, but that does not make them insane with regards to their ability to make moral choices. It just makes it harder for them than for those of us who feel emotional repugnance to bad moral choices and warm fuzzy feelings when we’ve made good choices.

Contrition is not a feeling. Contrition is a decision to renounce those acts we know are contrary to the will of God. It may even be argued that a person who renounces an action merely because the Church has taught them the action is to be renounced, even though they are fond of it and it causes them no emotional distress, is more obedient than the person who is glad to renounce the action because the action routinely makes them feel bad afterwards. One of the surprises of the Final Judgment may be the reward due to those who only ever did what was right because they had been taught it was right, even though they felt no fondness for it.

As for your case, though, to fulfill your marital duty with a spouse who contracepts is not contrary to the will of God. You are in the position of someone who feels moral repulsion for an act that is not morally wrong. These emotional difficulties are a real trial, understandably, but that doesn’t make the actions into a sin. You may understandably feel regret afterwards that because of factors beyond your control you were not joined to your spouse in your openness to life, you may understandably feel as if your spouse’s contraception puts a rend in the unity of the marital act, but that doesn’t make it a sin on your part. I think we all hope that a correct understanding will at least relieve some of the emotional suffering that you are feeling in this difficult situation.

 

[yellow8yellowM]

You are not under obligation to stop having relations with your wife. Yes, the pill **might **act abortifaciently. It might not. In any given act of intercourse, you are not responsible for such an outcome…Please stop doing that. You will drive yourself crazy. YOU ARE NOT SINNING by having relations with your wife. She is contracepting. Any sin is hers. Read Vademecum for Confessors. Read Casti Connubi. Read Humanae Vitae.

I have read all three and the footnotes. Casti Connubii is referring to contracepting by withdrawal–not hardly an abortifacient. Also, the other spouse can never be sure they will contracept until the very end. These are big differences.

In the Vademecum for Confessors, there is a second section just for the abortifacients. It was one line:

1. Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully evaluate the question of cooperation in evil when recourse is made to means which can have an abortifacient effect.

In the entire written Catholic tradition, there is one sentence that addresses this HUGE issue that faces modern husbands. And the sentence says that the question of cooperation in evil must be carefully evaluated.

Like I said in the original post, it comes down to the* basic* conclusion that if I have a grave enough reason to have relations with her then I may not be guilty in cooperating with the potential abortion. Divorce may be a grave enough reason.

Which is why my spiritual director advised me to never initiate. He also advised that we should only have relations when I am being coerced because of the threat of divorce. Therefore, if my wife was okay with remaining abstinent until after menopause, then I would definitely never be able to initiate.

The Church has not spoken definitively on this, which is why my spiritual director can only advise based on the principles. I agree with him. It was my idea to confess after each act to soothe the conscience, but so far this has not worked. I will re-visit this again soon with him.

For those of you who are so adamant that I should follow the advise of the priest, what would you say if I went to another priest and he recommended the opposite? Who should I believe? In the end I must follow my conscience, right?

 

[sailor28]

This seems like a big hurdle that must make your whole marriage difficult.

I was on the pill for a number of years for medical reasons. It was essential at the time. I took it continuously for 3 months and then did 5 placebo days. In theory, the pill can thin the lining of the uterus and prevent an egg from implanting. I did a lot of research and I don’t think the incidence of this actually happening is that high. Especially if you take it continuously, on schedule and don’t miss days. It is sometimes implied that you are causing an abortion every month when you are on the pill. Personally, I think you are at higher risk for having a miscarriage when not on the pill than getting pregnant and losing the baby while on the pill.

When you married did your wife intend to use NFP? Or did you not agree on this from that start? What is she battling that has her concerned about getting pregnant?