How to talk to your young son about masturbation?

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I had a friend ask me how to talk to her son about masturbation? I told her that our sexual body parts are holy and sacred and used for the very special purpose of union and creating life. That they are not meant to be misused in isolation or for a selfish gratification.

Is there anything else that I could tell her? Does anyone have any good references or experience in this department?
 
Lady_Love said:
I had a friend ask me how to talk to her son about masturbation? I told her that our sexual body parts are holy and sacred and used for the very special purpose of union and creating life. That they are not meant to be misused in isolation or for a selfish gratification.

Is there anything else that I could tell her? Does anyone have any good references or experience in this department?
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Sadly masturbation usually goes along with pornography. As a young man who did not practice his faith at the time I strayed into this awful habit. Needless to say I got hooked on it and struggle to this day to avoid this nonsense. It can be really hard for a man to appreciate a woman when he has this habit. I pray now and then to Christ for healing and He’s given me a lot to root myself in to help me stay away from this. New research ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3050060/ has shown that the brain actually changes in response to such images and behavior. I can tell you from experience once you are hooked on selfish unsatisfying pleasure its not so easy to turn away.

I would suggest telling your friend to talk to her son about how his sexual desires are a gift to be given only to his wife someday. He shouldn’t be ashamed of them but he has to use them properly. That probably means little to kids but that has to be her angle.
 
Lady_Love said:
I had a friend ask me how to talk to her son about masturbation? I told her that our sexual body parts are holy and sacred and used for the very special purpose of union and creating life. That they are not meant to be misused in isolation or for a selfish gratification.

Is there anything else that I could tell her? Does anyone have any good references or experience in this department?
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You don’t mention the father. Easier for a man to talk to his son about this sort of thing. Boys get pretty mortified when Mom brings up the subject, depending on the age of the boy.

Your explanation is good but it would still be best delivered by his father.
 
This issue is not tied to pornography. As a young teenager I masturbated constantly without pornography present. In my case, the fact of the matter was that the pleasure was overpowering. Especially during puberty/

Good luck, your work is cut out for you trying to persuade an immature mind to mortify the body that he is just discovering.

(not arguing for masturbation, just pointing out the obvious challenge here)
 
Lady_Love said:
I had a friend ask me how to talk to her son about masturbation? I told her that our sexual body parts are holy and sacred and used for the very special purpose of union and creating life. That they are not meant to be misused in isolation or for a selfish gratification.

Is there anything else that I could tell her? Does anyone have any good references or experience in this department?
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About how old is he?
 
copeland45 said:
This issue is not tied to pornography. As a young teenager I masturbated constantly without pornography present. In my case, the fact of the matter was that the pleasure was overpowering. Especially during puberty/

Good luck, your work is cut out for you trying to persuade an immature mind to mortify the body that he is just discovering.

(not arguing for masturbation, just pointing out the obvious challenge here)
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Agreed. It was a long time after I started masturbating that I first used porn, and even when I finally kicked the habit, I hadn’t used porn in a while.

And on a more general note, I’d like to point out that young girls masturbate too, often from an earlier age, just so that people are aware that this is not a peculiarly male problem.
 
Porn movie is the main cause of masturbation, porn movie caused mine then, but is now history. Thank you Jesus…
 
Well I do not see the problem, generally youngsters will find their way there anyway if left alone, it is better than them troubling young girls for satisfaction, probably good advice for soldiers serving abroad.
 
The mom is the Christian leader of the house and is the one responsible for educating her son in the Christian way. Her son is pubescent and she wants to address it before it becomes a problem. She doesn’t want her son to feel shame about his inclinations but wants to have him understand WHY he shouldn’t masturbate.
 
Lady_Love said:
The mom is the Christian leader of the house and is the one responsible for educating her son in the Christian way. Her son is pubescent and she wants to address it before it becomes a problem. She doesn’t want her son to feel shame about his inclinations but wants to have him understand WHY he shouldn’t masturbate.
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That is tough. So the dad doesn’t see anything wrong with masturbation…maybe even porn? Sigh…She’s got her work cut out for her. Has she really waited until now to talk to her son? He’s undoubtedly already masturbating…and he will very likely be freaked out to discuss this with his mother. If there are any Christian role models in his life that know the damage this practice can cause, it would be good if they could help her with this intervention.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
That is tough. So the dad doesn’t see anything wrong with masturbation…maybe even porn? Sigh…She’s got her work cut out for her. Has she really waited until now to talk to her son? He’s undoubtedly already masturbating…and he will very likely be freaked out to discuss this with his mother. If there are any Christian role models in his life that know the damage this practice can cause, it would be good if they could help her with this intervention.
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She does not think that he is masturbating…yet. I don’t believe porn is an issue at all. She is just trying to be prepared to address the issue before it becomes an issue. She wants him to have a healthy and spiritual understanding for his sexuality.
 
Lady_Love said:
She does not think that he is masturbating…yet. I don’t believe porn is an issue at all. She is just trying to be prepared to address the issue before it becomes an issue. She wants him to have a healthy and spiritual understanding for his sexuality.
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Unless he is very immature, or there are other disabilities, it’s very likely that he’s already masturbated. He’s not going to tell his mother!

But good for her for at least trying. Tell her to get some Christian male role models lined up to spend time with him and talk to him about his sexual drive and how to cope with it. And if she doesn’t have blocking software on the home computers, she needs to get it yesterday. Since everyone has multiple wireless devices these days, having the blocking on the router level shuts off porn for every device. There are ISPs that filter before the web even gets to your house and that’s a great option too.

But the main thing is strong male role models who can guide her son through this mine field of his sexual impulses.

p.s. I was the kind of mom who always told my sons, “You can talk to me about anything,” but there’s a dividing line when it comes to stuff like this. My sons are not reticent to bring up tough stuff but neither of them wanted to discuss their sexual desires with Mom, ya know??
 
Lady_Love said:
I had a friend ask me how to talk to her son about masturbation? I told her that our sexual body parts are holy and sacred and used for the very special purpose of union and creating life. That they are not meant to be misused in isolation or for a selfish gratification.

Is there anything else that I could tell her? Does anyone have any good references or experience in this department?
Click to expand...
No kid is going to listen to his mother talk to him about sexuality. That is not a subject he wants to talk to her about.
 
Does anyone know of any age appropriate books addressing this issue?
 
Lady_Love said:
The mom is the Christian leader of the house and is the one responsible for educating her son in the Christian way. Her son is pubescent and she wants to address it before it becomes a problem. She doesn’t want her son to feel shame about his inclinations but wants to have him understand WHY he shouldn’t masturbate.
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Yes and no. Man is the head of the house so he has a role that is just as important. I think one of the biggest pitfalls in history was going to the extreme in the dualistic thinking. A man and woman’s role in house is equal and no less / more important than the others. They have a common mission but their approach is different.
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TheRealJuliane:
Unless he is very immature, or there are other disabilities, it’s very likely that he’s already masturbated. He’s not going to tell his mother!

But good for her for at least trying. Tell her to get some Christian male role models lined up to spend time with him and talk to him about his sexual drive and how to cope with it. And if she doesn’t have blocking software on the home computers, she needs to get it yesterday. Since everyone has multiple wireless devices these days, having the blocking on the router level shuts off porn for every device. There are ISPs that filter before the web even gets to your house and that’s a great option too.

But the main thing is strong male role models who can guide her son through this mine field of his sexual impulses.

p.s. I was the kind of mom who always told my sons, “You can talk to me about anything,” but there’s a dividing line when it comes to stuff like this. My sons are not reticent to bring up tough stuff but neither of them wanted to discuss their sexual desires with Mom, ya know??
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A strong male role model is absolutely essential but a good female role model is equally important. The reason a boy won’t talk to his mom about sexual desire is because for ages we have been selling the sad line that men have all the sexual desire and women have none. If that’s what a boy has been groomed by society to believe then how is he supposed to relate? Male sexuality is the butt of every sexual joke and many of those jokes are by women laughing at men. You cannot shield your kids from it because it is all over media and on TV. The school system which has been a political battleground for feminism (read Christina Hoff Sommers “The War Against Boys”) demonizes boys in every way especially sexually. I think the best way a mother could reshape the debate is to be honest and upfront that she has strong desire too and its normal when expressed in a God-centered way.

I’ll give you an example from my own life. I’ll never forget when I took health class in HS my mom used to read the vocab to me and quiz me on the definitions. When the human anatomy chapter came up she wrote flashcards and told me to go through them. Why the sudden change? Moms need to show their sons that despite their anatomical differences women aren’t threatened by true male sexuality. In fact quite the opposite, they embrace it. Science often likes to tell us we are so different but at the end of the day we want the same thing…that is to be appreciated and loved by our beloved.
 
silentfactor80 said:
Yes and no. Man is the head of the house so he has a role that is just as important. I think one of the biggest pitfalls in history was going to the extreme in the dualistic thinking. A man and woman’s role in house is equal and no less / more important than the others. They have a common mission but their approach is different.

A strong male role model is absolutely essential but a good female role model is equally important. The reason a boy won’t talk to his mom about sexual desire is because for ages we have been selling the sad line that men have all the sexual desire and women have none. If that’s what a boy has been groomed by society to believe then how is he supposed to relate? Male sexuality is the butt of every sexual joke and many of those jokes are by women laughing at men. You cannot shield your kids from it because it is all over media and on TV. The school system which has been a political battleground for feminism (read Christina Hoff Sommers “The War Against Boys”) demonizes boys in every way especially sexually. I think the best way a mother could reshape the debate is to be honest and upfront that she has strong desire too and its normal when expressed in a God-centered way.

I’ll give you an example from my own life. I’ll never forget when I took health class in HS my mom used to read the vocab to me and quiz me on the definitions. When the human anatomy chapter came up she wrote flashcards and told me to go through them. Why the sudden change? Moms need to show their sons that despite their anatomical differences women aren’t threatened by true male sexuality. In fact quite the opposite, they embrace it. Science often likes to tell us we are so different but at the end of the day we want the same thing…that is to be appreciated and loved by our beloved.
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Another excellent post on the topic of sexuality, SilentFactor. Thank you.
 
mommamaree said:
Another excellent post on the topic of sexuality, SilentFactor. Thank you.
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Thanks momamaree. I really wish I could have talked to my mom more about issues like sexual desire. Boys have a front row seats to the male experience but pretty much all of our curiosity is about girls. I would ask any mother of a son this. Who do you want defining what your son believes about women? You who has his best interests in mind or a potential girlfriend that has her own interests in mind? Dad can show a son how a man treats a woman but mom shows a son what a woman actually is! The opposite is true of dads and daughters.
 
silentfactor80 said:
A strong male role model is absolutely essential but a good female role model is equally important. The reason a boy won’t talk to his mom about sexual desire is because for ages we have been selling the sad line that men have all the sexual desire and women have none.
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I could not disagree more. It is basic MODESTY and healthy BOUNDARIES that draw the line on a teen male discussing these subjects with his mother. There comes a time in every young man’s life that he starts becoming a MAN and sharing these intimate details with Mom feels like a boundary violation. It just feels wrong to him. It’s natural, it’s not society, it’s a healthy line that has to be drawn. What, is he going to talk to her about his married sex life??

Also, sure women can understand in a general way what teen boys are going through, but … In the end, we aren’t men. A man can teach a young male what to do about his sexual drives, and train him up to be a faithful and chaste Christian man. This is the time when, if this mother doesn’t have good Christian MALE support for her son or sons, she needs to arrange for it. Get with his coaches, his Boy Scout troop leader, his youth group leader, grandfather, uncles, cousins, etc. and tell them it’s time to start coming alongside this young man because he’s at a critical juncture and needs them now. If his own father won’t help him figure it out, she’d better have other options or guess what, the culture will win out.

Moms are not men. We love our sons, but when they start to become men, it’s time to turn some of this over to their tribe.
 
silentfactor80 said:
Thanks momamaree. I really wish I could have talked to my mom more about issues like sexual desire. Boys have a front row seats to the male experience but pretty much all of our curiosity is about girls. I would ask any mother of a son this. Who do you want defining what your son believes about women? You who has his best interests in mind or a potential girlfriend that has her own interests in mind? Dad can show a son how a man treats a woman but mom shows a son what a woman actually is! The opposite is true of dads and daughters.
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As the mother of a 5yo son, I will take this to heart. I certainly do not want my son being indoctrinated about female sexuality from the lies the world has to offer him.
In fact, his early education about female sexuality and sexual reproduction has already begun as I have breastfed all my babies (and will be having another any day now), and I have been very open, in age-appropriate language, how babies are born. I want my son, and all my children, to have a holistic appreciation of female sexuality and reproductive functions. Not the one-dimensional junk seen on TV and heard in vulgar conversations. 😦
Our children witness bathing and changing and breastfeeding, even moments of childbirth, just in the course of daily life. We take it all in stride now, as just part of the natural and healthy experience of family and shared home life. I do not want that to be tainted with shame and lies when our children begin to learn about sexual relations and begin to develop secondary sexual characteristics.
Our children’s catechism books talk very early on about impurity, and our parish does a program starting with 5yo kids introducing them to sexual purity. I tend to be the one the kids always go to with questions about functions of private parts and purity issues. I see no reason why that should change. And from my own childhood experience, despite the serious problems in my family of origin that I have previously cried about here at CAF, my step-dad was actually the one I preferred to speak to about sexual questions. He was so matter of fact and knowledgeable, and I didn’t feel judged for my curiousity or shamed because of my changing body. So there is even that precedent for a healthy conversation from the opposite sex parent from my own very dysfunctional family.
 
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