How to talk to your young son about masturbation?

[mommamaree]

I could not disagree more. It is basic MODESTY and healthy BOUNDARIES that draw the line on a teen male discussing these subjects with his mother. There comes a time in every young man’s life that he starts becoming a MAN and sharing these intimate details with Mom feels like a boundary violation. It just feels wrong to him. It’s natural, it’s not society, it’s a healthy line that has to be drawn. What, is he going to talk to her about his married sex life??

Also, sure women can understand in a general way what teen boys are going through, but … In the end, we aren’t men. A man can teach a young male what to do about his sexual drives, and train him up to be a faithful and chaste Christian man. This is the time when, if this mother doesn’t have good Christian MALE support for her son or sons, she needs to arrange for it. Get with his coaches, his Boy Scout troop leader, his youth group leader, grandfather, uncles, cousins, etc. and tell them it’s time to start coming alongside this young man because he’s at a critical juncture and needs them now. If his own father won’t help him figure it out, she’d better have other options or guess what, the culture will win out.

Moms are not men. We love our sons, but when they start to become men, it’s time to turn some of this over to their tribe.

But there is a difference between being there in the capacity SilentFactor is referring to, and having a male mentor/accountability partner. A mother is more than capable to explain the facts, to explain Church teachings, to encourage the pursuit of chastity. But you are right, that learning how to be a man, how to handle temptations to unchastity that are a teen male might be embarrassed about, how to understand a man’s role in relationships/marriage…these things require male guidance. An uncle, a close male family friend, even a priest would be better suited for these particular counsels. But just the area of education or encouragement? Moms can be great at these things!

 

[silentfactor80]

I could not disagree more. It is basic MODESTY and healthy BOUNDARIES that draw the line on a teen male discussing these subjects with his mother. There comes a time in every young man’s life that he starts becoming a MAN and sharing these intimate details with Mom feels like a boundary violation. It just feels wrong to him. It’s natural, it’s not society, it’s a healthy line that has to be drawn. What, is he going to talk to her about his married sex life??

Also, sure women can understand in a general way what teen boys are going through, but … In the end, we aren’t men. A man can teach a young male what to do about his sexual drives, and train him up to be a faithful and chaste Christian man. This is the time when, if this mother doesn’t have good Christian MALE support for her son or sons, she needs to arrange for it. Get with his coaches, his Boy Scout troop leader, his youth group leader, grandfather, uncles, cousins, etc. and tell them it’s time to start coming alongside this young man because he’s at a critical juncture and needs them now. If his own father won’t help him figure it out, she’d better have other options or guess what, the culture will win out.

Moms are not men. We love our sons, but when they start to become men, it’s time to turn some of this over to their tribe.

I think you are mixing a lot of things up in here. For starters, as a man I am / was completely clueless as to what goes on in a woman’s head. I did not know what a good woman was / does / feels / expresses and what it has to do with me. Boys have a natural curiosity about everything. That curiosity is not malignant but it does need guiding. Society assumes all of a boys curiosity about girls has to do with “what she can do for him.” I strongly disagree with this sentiment. Most boys just want to know “how girls work.” If I could understand that without ever seeing one naked before my wife that is the ideal situation. Men have to understand women before they marry and the same is true of women having to understand men.

Next, I am not saying a man has to talk about his sex life to his mother! I wouldn’t even talk to my dad about that! A person’s sex life with another is strictly confidential and between the husband and wife ONLY! I would be equally horrified if my future wife was talking to her mother / friends about OUR sex life. That is the boundary right there.

As I said before, having a male role model is essential to a young boy! He needs to learn how to do things and how to behave. He needs the “monkey see monkey do” but he also needs the understanding to defend himself when society challenges him on why he does what he does. Christ showed us how God works by example but he also gave us the understanding to apply God’s Word in every aspect of our lives. That understanding helps in discernment / judgement. Mom is irreplaceable and inconceivable important in showing her son the value of a woman. When a man learns the value of women he is much less likely to take advantage of one or be taken advantage of.

I think your concern about my words is the Oedipus Complex. This is a key point though especially in today’s world because women are not going back to the days of modesty anytime soon. Men need to learn to resist women when sexual attraction is inappropriate. Clearly, mom is the first woman a boy encounters with whom sexual attraction is NOT appropriate. Mom is pioneer in this regard and has a huge role here! Let’s say a man works in an office and one of his coworkers walks in with a skimpy dress and low cut skirt. The son with a mother that talked about sexual desire with him will know that this woman is trouble because mom (good woman) wears her beauty on the inside. The son whose mother is ashamed to talk about such things now has a woman who he sees is comfortable with her sexuality and willing to express it, albeit in a false way. He sees her as comfortable as he may be with his. Recipe for disaster right here!

You are never going to box natural male curiosity about the female form in. All you can do is discourage it from accepting an false solicitation. A man can preach to his son until he is blue in the face that you can’t do this or that but he can’t speak for women.

 

[Lady_Love]

I think it is better for a young boy to get some guidance from his mother than none at all. Especially, if the man of the house is not a strong christian and doesn’t practice.

But my question was not WHO should do the talking but WHAT needs to be discussed and how. Has anyone ever had this talk with their son/sons? What was effective and what was not?

 

[silentfactor80]

I think it is better for a young boy to get some guidance from his mother than none at all. Especially, if the man of the house is not a strong christian and doesn’t practice.

But my question was not WHO should do the talking but WHAT needs to be discussed and how. Has anyone ever had this talk with their son/sons? What was effective and what was not?

Absolutely! You need to talk about the issue which is sexuality. You first need to empathize with him that the desire for sexual pleasure is real, normal, and something both boys and girls want. You can then discuss it from a spiritual or physical POV.

Spiritual

1. Sex is unitive and procreative
2. His desires are for his future wife and should save them for her as a gift - maybe encourage him write “dear wife letters” when he is feeling like he wants to masturbate. One day he can share those letters with his wife.
3. Sex reflects God’s relational nature and anything less does not reflect His nature

Physical

1. It can become a habit like alcohol or drugs
2. He may later find it hard to reach fulfillment because a woman’s body will feel very different from his hand
3. Its not right for mom / dad to have to do the laundry?

 

[Lady_Love]

Spiritual

1. Sex is unitive and procreative
2. His desires are for his future wife and should save them for her as a gift - maybe encourage him write “dear wife letters” when he is feeling like he wants to masturbate. One day he can share those letters with his wife.
3. Sex reflects God’s relational nature and anything less does not reflect His nature

Physical

1. It can become a habit like alcohol or drugs
2. He may later find it hard to reach fulfillment because a woman’s body will feel very different from his hand
3. Its not right for mom / dad to have to do the laundry?

Thank you, this is very helpful. And humorous

 

[silentfactor80]

Here is a link albeit to a “dear future husband” letter (stephanywrites.com/letters-to-my-future-husband/). I saw something on a Catholic website once that talks about writing one for either a wife or husband. Wish I saved it. Well you get the idea.

 

[Brofessor]

Unless he is very immature, or there are other disabilities, it’s very likely that he’s already masturbated. He’s not going to tell his mother!

Some people don’t masturbate at all until their twenties you know. It has nothing to do with maturity.

 

[Ohio_Jen]

I think one should assess how they feel about the subject and if they are OK with their teen engaging in that activity. In any case, there should be talk about what lust is and why it’s a sin, and that masturbation is just an extension of lust. Tell them everyone experiences it but they should try to gain control, and then explain why.

The question is, should a parent do more? I think future reminders are a good idea, and perhaps even bringing it up with/in front of a pediatrician if the problem is worrisome. I know some parents check for various signs that it occurs, or ask that doors be kept open, or don’t allow too much private time. I wonder if others feel that a parent should use these tactics (and if so which ones?) vs just giving them a talk/advice on the matter? Or should the child be left to decide on their own?