How to tell Catholic in-laws you're not using NFP

[EasterJoy]

I agree that it’s different if the husband-to-be was asking. Valid, non-valid both are likely meaningless to the OP. How to draw a reasonable boundary with the mother-in-law was answered early on. The OP acknowledged as much. Someone pointed out (maybe around p. 3) that there are theological discussions worth having especially if someone pulls this thread up in the future.

EasterJoy, I didn’t realize this hit a bit close to home for you. I get the sense that your husband went through the process to get your dispensation because it was important to you. I think that’s admirable and loving. I didn’t sense that dispensation was important to the OP’s intended which led me down a different path.

If my husband had not wanted a Mass, we wouldn’t have had one. He wisely convinced me that this was not only something that would make next to no difference to him but probably lots of difference to my family (who were wisely not adding their two cents) and, in retrospect, more difference to me than I might think.

The OP might easily have been thinking along the same lines: that is, we know it is important to your family, whether or not they presume to say so, the day might come when it is important to you and harder to accomplish than it is now, and I don’t mind if we do. This is not a big deal to do right by the Church, so let’s just do it right. The Church does not teach that it is a sacrilege for a Catholic to follow canon law. Let’s do it, then.

 

[lovemysix]

Looks like the OP has moved on now that she has the answer to her question.

She sounds like a lovely young woman, one who is willing to go to some length to make her husband’s family happy and at ease with their consciences. She didn’t have to do all this hoop-jumping and NFP-class attending, after all.

She’s also savvy enough to sense that her MIL’s questions are inappropriate and could create further problems in the marriage later on.

Smart woman, giving woman. Why all the angst? We have no indication that the in-laws are paying for the wedding (most young couples I know are mostly paying for their weddings themselves these days, and if anybody contributes a significant amount, it’s the bride’s family and not the groom’s) or that this couple is bamboozling them to make a buck. I think it is uncharitable to make that kind of assumption, quite frankly.

I come from a Catholic family that would shun for less. Just becuase you don’t know anybody you think would do so doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Who wants to start out a marriage being shunned? It’s a bad way to start a relationship being shunned by one of spouse’s families, and if you can avoid it, why not? Like EasterJoy said, it’s probably no skin off OP’s nose. She took the NFP classes, she has been honest with the priest, what more do you reaonably want from her? From her post, there is no reason to think she won’t make a lovely wife and a thoroughly decent DIL.

 

[christus_vincit]

Looks like the OP has moved on now that she has the answer to her question.

She sounds like a lovely young woman, one who is willing to go to some length to make her husband’s family happy and at ease with their consciences. She didn’t have to do all this hoop-jumping and NFP-class attending, after all.

She’s also savvy enough to sense that her MIL’s questions are inappropriate and could create further problems in the marriage later on.

Smart woman, giving woman. Why all the angst? We have no indication that the in-laws are paying for the wedding (most young couples I know are mostly paying for their weddings themselves these days, and if anybody contributes a significant amount, it’s the bride’s family and not the groom’s) or that this couple is bamboozling them to make a buck. I think it is uncharitable to make that kind of assumption, quite frankly.

I come from a Catholic family that would shun for less. Just becuase you don’t know anybody you think would do so doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Who wants to start out a marriage being shunned? It’s a bad way to start a relationship being shunned by one of spouse’s families, and if you can avoid it, why not? Like EasterJoy said, it’s probably no skin off OP’s nose. She took the NFP classes, she has been honest with the priest, what more do you reaonably want from her? From her post, there is no reason to think she won’t make a lovely wife and a thoroughly decent DIL.

The angst is coming from the fact that she said the marriage will be closed to the prospect of children as the couple will be using birth control. This admission on a public forum rightly raised a number of questions as to the honesty and intentions involved in this marriage.

 

[Listener]

The angst is coming from the fact that she said the marriage will be closed to the prospect of children as the couple will be using birth control. This admission on a public forum rightly raised a number of questions as to the honesty and intentions involved in this marriage.

I’m still not sure why this matters. The lady who started this thread is not Catholic. The guy she is marrying doesn’t care. Any Catholic wedding is presumed to be valid unless they get a divorce and apply for an annulment. So, if this marriage doesn’t work out, will they care enough to apply for an annulment? I doubt it. Well, I guess if they did, they could call up this thread and show there was no intention to have children. Well, actually, it sounded like they don’t want children right now, but maybe “if ever” means that they might decide to have some children in the future.

I just don’t get what everyone is so concerned about. She just needs to learn how to keep from sharing too much information with her mother-in-law.

 

[agapewolf]

I

I just don’t get what everyone is so concerned about. .

Let’s see:

-Deception of the Church, the priest, the family, and the people of the church.
-Yet one more statistic of a so called “Catholic” marriage not being Catholic at all
-No grace available as the marriage won’t be valid
-their eternal soul

Just one of those is plenty to be concerned about.

 

[christus_vincit]

I’m still not sure why this matters. The lady who started this thread is not Catholic. The guy she is marrying doesn’t care. Any Catholic wedding is presumed to be valid unless they get a divorce and apply for an annulment. So, if this marriage doesn’t work out, will they care enough to apply for an annulment? I doubt it. Well, I guess if they did, they could call up this thread and show there was no intention to have children. Well, actually, it sounded like they don’t want children right now, but maybe “if ever” means that they might decide to have some children in the future.

I just don’t get what everyone is so concerned about. She just needs to learn how to keep from sharing too much information with her mother-in-law.

The OP opened herself up to criticism for a number of reasons. She came onto a Catholic forum to seek advice as to how to conceal a sin from her family and openly admitted that her marriage would not be open to having children. There are ample reasons why people can and should be concerned, such as deception and lack of respect for the sanctity of the sacrament of matrimony.