How to tell Catholic in-laws you're not using NFP

[haileenotbailee]

Hello, everyone! This is my first post here so I hope I’m doing this right.

I have been raised in the Church of Christ my whole life and am marrying a man who has been raised Catholic his whole life this coming July. We have dated for years and love each other very much. We have gone through all of the classes needed to get married in the eyes of the Catholic church and we are waiting for approval for a dispensation to get married in a different church building.

To be truthful, we did all of this so his parents wouldn’t shun us because they made it clear they wouldn’t support us if we didn’t do things the Catholic way. I really want him to have a good relationship with his parents so even though I disagree with many things the Catholic church teaches (and he does too) we went to all of the classes and tried to keep an open mind about things!

I respect his parents. They are very strong in their faith. They teach NFP. They try their hardest to raise their children to be Catholic. I admire them for that aspect of themselves. Please don’t think I’m trying to insult Catholics in any way!

Since they teach NFP, it was obviously important that we took the class and understood it and the philosophy behind it (we didn’t take the class from them of course haha!!). Although we are both agnostic at this time we wanted to look at all of our options when it comes to having children. We don’t want children for a long time, if ever. And after taking the class I decided I still wanted to start the Pill. After we get married we plan on using the Pill and condoms at all times.

I’m not on this forum to argue about contraceptives and I don’t think less of anyone for using NFP. I just don’t feel it is right for me.

I always try to avoid talking about NFP with my future mother-in-law. She tries to vaguely bring up the subject every now and then and we always change the subject. However, as the wedding is getting closer and closer, it seems like she is more determined to talk about it.

I’m seeking advice on how I should handle discussing this topic with her without being rude and how to keep her respect.

1. Is it really any of her business what we do behind closed doors? Can I simply tell her “We don’t feel like this is a topic that we want to discuss with anyone but each other.”?
2. If we do need to talk about it, should I just tell her we looked at all of our options and we have chosen to go with different methods and leave out mentioning the Pill?
3. Do I just tell her I’m on the Pill??
4. Catholic mothers, please tell me how you would want your daughter-in-law to talk to you about this!!

Thank you so much for any advice, this topic worries me greatly. I just want their to be peace in our families after the wedding.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Hello, everyone!..

…Thank you so much for any advice, this topic worries me greatly. I just want their to be peace in our families after the wedding.

As a mother and a life-long Catholic, I admire the respect and consideration you are showing for your future MIL.

1. It is not any of her business. I like the response you are proposing.
2. See #1.
3. See #1.
4. I would have no interest in talking to my children or their spouses about their sex lives.

Best of luck to you and your future husband.

 

[The_Bucket]

Is it really any of her business what we do behind closed doors? Can I simply tell her “We don’t feel like this is a topic that we want to discuss with anyone but each other.”?

No. It’s not. And yes, that’s the right response. Despite the fact that she’s right from a moral perspective, prying into your future sexual life is really weird and inappropriate.

We don’t want children for a long time, if ever.

This, however, caused me pause. You are aware that you will be asked this question:

Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?

And by that I mean that if you are all in the Catholic form and that good stuff… the priest or deacon will literally ask you this question right before reciting your vows. Are you comfortable lying about that? And are you aware that lying about it opens the door wide open for annulment down the line? That is, your marriage will not exist when you lie during the wedding ceremony.

 

[Rence]

I’m seeking advice on how I should handle discussing this topic with her without being rude and how to keep her respect.

1. Is it really any of her business what we do behind closed doors? Can I simply tell her “We don’t feel like this is a topic that we want to discuss with anyone but each other.”?
2. If we do need to talk about it, should I just tell her we looked at all of our options and we have chosen to go with different methods and leave out mentioning the Pill?
3. Do I just tell her I’m on the Pill??
4. Catholic mothers, please tell me how you would want your daughter-in-law to talk to you about this!!

Thank you so much for any advice, this topic worries me greatly. I just want their to be peace in our families after the wedding.

You are correct, it is none of her business. But because your MIL teaches NFP, she will naturally be wanting to talk to you about it. Just tell her that she’s too close in relationship, that you’re uncomfortable talking to her about it, and that “We don’t feel like this is a topic that we want to discuss with anyone but each other.”?. It’s not a lie, and if you keep it neutral, she can’t be insulted by it. She may be hurt/insulted at first, but then she will get over it. After all, many people are uncomfortable discussing bodily functions and such with some people, while feeling more comfortable discussing them others.

Then ask her if you can go to her with any questions later. It’s not a lie. You may wake up one morning and decide you want to learn more about NFP.

I would NOT tell her that you have rejected NFP and decided to go along with the Pill. Not only is it none of her business, but it will open up the opportunity to argue. She will get angry. And if she doesn’t have any sense of boundaries now when she assumes you will use NFP, it will only get worse if you tell her you won’t be using NFP.

My advise would be: Just don’t do it. Don’t discuss it with her or share your opinions on the matter with her. She’s a NFP instructor and she’s a practicing Catholic. She’s going to want you to use NFP. Given the fact that you said she would shun you and her son for not getting married in the Church, I think it’s pretty obvious where this would go.

 

[haileenotbailee]

No. It’s not. And yes, that’s the right response. Despite the fact that she’s right from a moral perspective, prying into your future sexual life is really weird and inappropriate.

This, however, caused me pause. You are aware that you will be asked this question:

And by that I mean that if you are all in the Catholic form and that good stuff… the priest or deacon will literally ask you this question right before reciting your vows. Are you comfortable lying about that? And are you aware that lying about it opens the door wide open for annulment down the line? That is, your marriage will not exist when you lie during the wedding ceremony.

Thank you for answering my question, but my fiance and I have already talked to his priest and we know how the Catholic church feels about children. We have discussed this topic at great lengths already.

So thank you for your concern, but I am only looking for advice on how to talk to my mother-in law!

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

MIL (pouring a cup of coffee): So, when do you usually check your mucus?
HAILEE (stirring cream and sugar into her cup): That’s a really pretty top you’re wearing. May I ask where you bought it?

Rinse and repeat until in-laws get the hint and stop asking.

 

[MomaMary8]

Thank you for answering my question, but my fiance and I have already talked to his priest and we know how the Catholic church feels about children. We have discussed this topic at great lengths already.

So thank you for your concern, but I am only looking for advice on how to talk to my mother-in law!

the advice I received before marriage for most matters was to “start out as you mean to go on.”

This little diddy can be applied to most things. If you plan on making your new husband breakfast in bed every day at the beginning, plan on doing it forever… If you plan on telling you MIL every intimate detail in the beginning, plan on doing it forever… In other words, what you begin will more than likely continue unless you set up ground rules and expectations. Stopping the pampering of your husband after 1-2 years may cause a bit of confusion and feelings of neglect to a husband accustomed to a lovely breakfast every morning. Suddenly cutting out MIL out of discussions that she used to be a part of will also cause hurt feelings.

If you plan on hiding from you MIL that you and your soon to be husband are rejecting the teachings of the Catholic Church, don’t drag it out. Let her know before you marry. You know where she stands, let her know where you stand with the Church. You don’t have to be rude but can do it with love and charity. You should also tell the priest and your future husband (if he is unaware) that you may/are not going to be open to children.

 

[Joe_5859]

Obviously, I would love to regale you with information about how superior NFP is to artificial contraception in every way (), but I’ll refrain since that is outside the parameters of things you wish to discuss.

So how to talk to your in-laws? Simply, don’t. I have never talked to my parents or in-laws about NFP (at least, not insofar as it pertains to my wife and I personally) and I have absolutely no desire to do so. Changing the subject and/or making clear that it is not a subject you wish to discuss with them strikes me as the best course of action.

 

[Lorelei12]

No, you certainly do not need to discuss such things with anyone else. A “that is between the two of us” reply is polite and implies that it is no one else’s business- and it is not. I would refrain from offering any more information than that. She does not have a right to know, and it can’t lead anywhere good. If I ever have a daughter-in-law, I would hope that I raised my son as well as I could have, and leave it at that. I would mind my own business.

That being said, as The Bucket pointed out, it is a big concern that you plan to lie about having children. While I think your intentions are good, and you are attempting to be thoughtful and keep your in-laws happy, do you really want to stand up in front of everyone at your wedding, and make promises you don’t intend to keep? Perhaps you weren’t aware of what ceremony entails or what things you would be promising, but I don’t think it makes sense for you to marry in the church if you do not intend to either be a part of it or accept the Catholic definition of marriage.

What his parents want you to do is wrong. Their threat to “shun” you is manipulative and controlling. I would encourage you to make an appointment to sit down with the priest who is in charge of your wedding preparation, and discuss all of this with him openly and honestly.

 

[PaulinVA]

Thank you for answering my question, but my fiance and I have already talked to his priest and we know how the Catholic church feels about children. We have discussed this topic at great lengths already.

So thank you for your concern, but I am only looking for advice on how to talk to my mother-in law!

How about, “We love you, but we have no need for NFP instruction”

Alternatively, “Mom, it would stick a knife through your heart if I told you what we are doing, so I don’t think we should talk about this.”

Your future husband is in a spot. As a Catholic, he is required to get married in the Church. He is also obligated to follow Church teaching on birth control. I know you to want to get married, but are you both freely assenting to a Catholic marriage?

 

[Rence]

the advice I received before marriage for most matters was to “start out as you mean to go on.”

This little diddy can be applied to most things. If you plan on making your new husband breakfast in bed every day at the beginning, plan on doing it forever… If you plan on telling you MIL every intimate detail in the beginning, plan on doing it forever… In other words, what you begin will more than likely continue unless you set up ground rules and expectations. Stopping the pampering of your husband after 1-2 years may cause a bit of confusion and feelings of neglect to a husband accustomed to a lovely breakfast every morning. Suddenly cutting out MIL out of discussions that she used to be a part of will also cause hurt feelings.

Exactly. If you start allowing your MIL into conversations that are really only appropriate between you and your husband, it will continue as time goes on and will morph to include other things. It’s better to set the boundaries now, and just not discuss these matters with her. At all. It’s too personal. It’s between you and your husband.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

No, you certainly do not need to discuss such things with anyone else. A “that is between the two of us” reply is polite and implies that it is no one else’s business- and it is not. I would refrain from offering any more information than that. She does not have a right to know, and it can’t lead anywhere good. If I ever have a daughter-in-law, I would hope that I raised my son as well as I could have, and leave it at that. I would mind my own business.

That being said, as The Bucket pointed out, it is a big concern that you plan to lie about having children. While I think your intentions are good, and you are attempting to be thoughtful and keep your in-laws happy, do you really want to stand up in front of everyone at your wedding, and make promises you don’t intend to keep? Perhaps you weren’t aware of what ceremony entails or what things you would be promising, but I don’t think it makes sense for you to marry in the church if you do not intend to either be a part of it or accept the Catholic definition of marriage.

What his parents want you to do is wrong. Their threat to “shun” you is manipulative and controlling. I would encourage you to make an appointment to sit down with the priest who is in charge of your wedding preparation, and discuss all of this with him openly and honestly.

^ This. It is perfectly acceptable to tell your mother-in-law (if the subject comes up), that it is a topic you are only comfortable discussing with each other.

But it doesn’t seem very honest (although I know you are trying to do the right thing) to be married in the Catholic Church when neither of you believes in the teachings of the Church or intends to have a Catholic marriage.

 

[haileenotbailee]

Thank you, everyone, for your answers!! I feel a lot better about this now. I just didn’t know if it was common in Catholic families to discuss their NFP practices with each other or not.

I suppose I should explain that while we DID go through the classes, we are getting a dispensation and are being married by a Church of Christ preacher. So there will not be any “false promises” made during the ceremony. I couldn’t handle having that on our consciences.

It was very important to us to understand the Catholic teachings on marriage so we could decide what we wanted to do, but we are not getting married in a Catholic church or by a priest.

 

[Joe_5859]

Maybe it’s just a personal foible of mine, but if I were the parent (or in-law), I think I’d rather not know for certain if the news were not good news. Then I could at least tell myself it was possible they were living in accordance with Church teaching.

Knowing for certain you are planning on contracepting is only going to make your in-laws either (1) feel helpless that they cannot prevent you from participating in an immoral act, (2) feel like a failure that their Catholic parenting didn’t “take”, (3) feel like it is now their responsibility to get involved and convince you otherwise, or (4) all of the above.

Once you open that Pandora’s box, there’s nothing that’s going to close it again. I’d think long and hard about sharing such details with them.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you, everyone, for your answers!! I feel a lot better about this now. I just didn’t know if it was common in Catholic families to discuss their NFP practices with each other or not.

I suppose I should explain that while we DID go through the classes, we are getting a dispensation and are being married by a Church of Christ preacher. So there will not be any “false promises” made during the ceremony. I couldn’t handle having that on our consciences.

It was very important to us to understand the Catholic teachings on marriage so we could decide what we wanted to do, but we are not getting married in a Catholic church or by a priest.

So confused!?

You are agnostic your fiancee is Catholic and you got a dispensation to marry in a Church that neither of you belong to?

Oy Vey!

 

[shelby_sun]

You are correct, it is none of her business. But because your MIL teaches NFP, she will naturally be wanting to talk to you about it. Just tell her that she’s too close in relationship, that you’re uncomfortable talking to her about it, and that “We don’t feel like this is a topic that we want to discuss with anyone but each other.”?. It’s not a lie, and if you keep it neutral, she can’t be insulted by it. She may be hurt/insulted at first, but then she will get over it. After all, many people are uncomfortable discussing bodily functions and such with some people, while feeling more comfortable discussing them others.

Then ask her if you can go to her with any questions later. It’s not a lie. You may wake up one morning and decide you want to learn more about NFP.

I would NOT tell her that you have rejected NFP and decided to go along with the Pill. Not only is it none of her business, but it will open up the opportunity to argue. She will get angry. And if she doesn’t have any sense of boundaries now when she assumes you will use NFP, it will only get worse if you tell her you won’t be using NFP.

My advise would be: Just don’t do it. Don’t discuss it with her or share your opinions on the matter with her. She’s a NFP instructor and she’s a practicing Catholic. She’s going to want you to use NFP. Given the fact that you said she would shun you and her son for not getting married in the Church, I think it’s pretty obvious where this would go.

Spot on correct in my opinion. I really think this is a discussion for you soon to be husband seeing that they are his parents and he was the one brought up Catholic. My husband was not Catholic, but when he converted (which they were fine with) any discussions brought up by his parents were handle by him. I would at least have him by your side. Best of luck.

 

[Rence]

So confused!?

You are agnostic your fiancee is Catholic and you got a dispensation to marry in a Church that neither of you belong to?

Oy Vey!

Well, she already said that her in-laws would shun her and their son if they did not get married in the Church. So really, it’s not confusing at all. And I wouldn’t say that they both don’t belong to the Church. Her husband to be is Catholic, just lapsed.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Well, she already said that her in-laws would shun her and their son if they did not get married in the Church. So really, it’s not confusing at all. And I wouldn’t say that they both don’t belong to the Church. Her husband to be is Catholic, just lapsed.

So to not shun the in laws they are getting married in a different Church?
It makes no sense. That would make sense if they did not want to get shunned by HER parents, but his are Catholic…

So here you have 2 people that presumably were raised in separate Churches but neither one of them consider themselves practicing members. The Catholic parents say they want them to be married in the Church so they get a dispensation to be married in another Church that is not Catholic?

Something is missing here.

 

[agapewolf]

Thank you, everyone, for your answers!! I feel a lot better about this now. I just didn’t know if it was common in Catholic families to discuss their NFP practices with each other or not.

I suppose I should explain that while we DID go through the classes, we are getting a dispensation and are being married by a Church of Christ preacher. So there will not be any “false promises” made during the ceremony. I couldn’t handle having that on our consciences.

It was very important to us to understand the Catholic teachings on marriage so we could decide what we wanted to do, but we are not getting married in a Catholic church or by a priest.

Actually, you are making the promises. Not at the wedding, but in order to be considered valid by the church, you are making the promises. The dispensation isn’t from the factors that go into making a valid marriage, its just a dispensation from form.

Please please do not do this. This is extremely dishonest.

Try Theology of the Body for beginners and Good news about sex and marriage by Christopher West.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Actually, you are making the promises. Not at the wedding, but in order to be considered valid by the church, you are making the promises. The dispensation isn’t from the factors that go into making a valid marriage, its just a dispensation from form.

Please please do not do this. This is extremely dishonest.

Try Theology of the Body for beginners and Good news about sex and marriage by Christopher West.

The whole thing is dishonest. It is more disrespectful to attempt to enter into something you do not believe to placate those who do.

The whole married in the Church thing is not to “keep peace” it should be to save souls. (and create souls)