How to tell parents that my brother is gay

[Thorolfr]

Church is not torture.

Try going to services in some Baptist churches I’ve been to. They seemed like torture to me…

 

[1990Domer]

Try going to services in some Baptist churches I’ve been to. They seemed like torture to me…

Ok…let me explain. There is no time, let me sum up. I feel most Catholic Masses are not torture. I went to a Free-Will Baptist revival and begged out early because of a migraine (it was like 100 degrees outside).

 

[1990Domer]

I have to say, my parents never drove us kicking and screaming. Actually, we went with our parents but sat with our friends. Of course, we were teens and “boy-watching.” Our moms would look over and give us the pointer finger. That worked for about 10 minutes.

Seriously, though, when we visited our BILs, they were always cordial and took us to Mass.

 

[AClaire11]

Try going to services in some Baptist churches I’ve been to. They seemed like torture to me…

The LifeTeen Masses at my hometown’s parish with guitars, drums, and pop Christian music were pretty tortuous. I’m ashamed to say I occasionally just went to confession instead of attending those when that was the only option.

I think one reason these threads strike a nerve with me is that I was raised by very nominally Christian parents and so everything was really left up to me. I converted at age 16, too, so I guess I keep wondering, what if my parents had forced me to keep going to the Methodist church instead or otherwise hadn’t been supportive? Plus, my FIL is extremely overbearing about religion and pushed both his children far from the Church by forcing things. When my husband and I were engaged, he was still calling him to scold him about not going to Mass every Sunday. At some point, you’ve got to trust that you’ve done your job in raising your child and allow them to take the reins. Though i do not know at what age that should happen.

 

[jmcrae]

We go to Mass because we owe a debt to our Creator that we cannot pay except with gratitude, hence "Eucharist " which means, thanks-giving.

No one who understands that would have to be dragged or forced to come to Mass.

 

[Rau]

Well, the old fashion way of forcing children to go to church was to belt them or hit them/ spank them for refusing. You could also drag them kicking and screaming every Sunday as they throw a fit and have a mental breakdown every week and there demeanor changes to one of hostility before Church every Sunday. As for a teenager you could threaten to take away there phone or computer or something they value to force them to go or ground them for refusing. Or for an Adult child you could tell them they either have to come to Church every week or they get kicked out of the house. That’s another way of forcing them. Mind you, all of the examples I gave above are from the experiences of now ex-Catholics.

When you force someone, like a teenager or adult child to go to church you are instilling the mentality that the only thing important is that they just show up every Sunday. But how effective are you efforts if they are sitting in church but there mind is somewhere else? They might physically be where you want them, but are they really there mentally. And what kind of example are you setting, regardless of whatever your beliefs are, for the next generation if there only experience of church is one of being forced against there will and fearing punishment for not going? Your teaching the works of a religion but ignoring the importance of the child’s relationship with God.

My parents, whose still identity as Catholic, decided on after my sibling and I made our Confirmation. At that point we are full fledged members of the church, they did there Catholic duty as a parent in baptizing and educating us in the faith, and putting us through CCD and all the requirements to become a member of the Catholic Church. After that we decided from then on what we wanted to do.

I’ve never seen the “dragged, kicking and screaming scenario” applied to anyone over the age of perhaps 3. Anyway, your post Kinda makes my point about the breadth of grey area and the need for judgement, doesn’t it?

 

[Rau]

Ok…let me explain. There is no time, let me sum up. I feel most Catholic Masses are not torture. I went to a Free-Will Baptist revival and begged out early because of a migraine (it was like 100 degrees outside).

Suggesting that 1-hour of time in a Church could be “torture” takes the “me, me, me” culture to new levels! “How dare you torture me mum - I’m gonna call child services”!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’ve never seen the “dragged, kicking and screaming scenario” applied to anyone over the age of perhaps 3. Anyway, your post Kinda makes my point about the breadth of grey area and the need for judgement, doesn’t it?

I see it as a golden rule issue. Someday, you may very well be living with your children out of financial or medical necessity. It’s their roof, but certainly you would want the most personal aspects of yourself acknowledged and respected.

I can’t imagine making my religion (or lack thereof) a condition for parental or familial support. Just like I don’t believe adult children should have to choose between homelessness or a faith they don’t believe, I don’t think elderly parents should have to choose between getting to church or living in a nursing home. Public transit, arranging rides with people from church, or fixing a work schedule to drive your elderly parent to weekly mass/church and/or confession is just the right thing to do. Yeah, it’s your house, your rules, and your time and energy getting said parent to and from church, but religious beliefs are just that…well, sacred.

 

[Thorolfr]

Suggesting that 1-hour of time in a Church could be “torture” takes the “me, me, me” culture to new levels! “How dare you torture me mum - I’m gonna call child services”!

For LGBT people to go to church services where they sometimes hear that people like them are “abominations” or deserve to go to hell (this kind of thing does happen in some denominations) really could be like torture. There are lots of LGBT youth who have not come out to their parents, so their parents might not even realize how painful this is for these children to be in church.

 

[ArielRussu]

I’ve never seen the “dragged, kicking and screaming scenario” applied to anyone over the age of perhaps 3. Anyway, your post Kinda makes my point about the breadth of grey area and the need for judgement, doesn’t it?

That would be my cousin at age 9 and a little boy around age 10 I read about on his mothers blog. She finally stopped literally dragging him hold out the door because she figured what kind of example am I setting about Chirch and God to my kids if I have to physically pick them up and carry them to church? As it was they physically would fight her to not go and she watched them become withdrawn and combative on Sunday’s. The morning fights basically ruined the whole day for everyone in the family.

I was adding onto what you wrote as emphasis.

 

[Rau]

…I can’t imagine making my religion (or lack thereof) a condition for parental or familial support. Just like I don’t believe adult children should have to choose between homelessness or a faith they don’t believe, I don’t think elderly parents should have to choose between getting to church or living in a nursing home. Public transit, arranging rides with people from church, or fixing a work schedule to drive your elderly parent to weekly mass/church and/or confession is just the right thing to do. Yeah, it’s your house, your rules, and your time and energy getting said parent to and from church, but religious beliefs are just that…well, sacred.

Me neither - though there would be limits on the kind of parental support I could offer a wayward child. Nevertheless, none of what you write here is at odds with anything I’ve said.

To applaud a good act (which I have done) is not the same as to suggest anyone has the right to demand that act of another.

And my objection is to those who rather than acknowledge a good, self-less act, found something flawed or demeaning in the person doing the good act, and claimed the better course was to look inward to one’s own “rights”.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

None of this is at odds with anything I’ve said.

To applaud a good act (which I have done) is not the same as to grant anyone else the right to demand it of another.

Actually, if you read through the thread, you’ve been pretty disparaging towards adult children not attending their parents’ church, and as well as towards adult children refusing to accept verbal abuse - both out of some sort of philosophy where parental deference reigns supreme. In fact, you described people who wouldn’t do either/or as selfish, unconcerned with kindness and generosity, and overly obsessed with personal rights.

 

[isu]

Honestly that is nothing like I was talking about. Those are things I would hope any parent would teach their child regardless of race, color, creed, gender or sexual preference. And no, I don’t always know what to tell my kids or comfort my kids because it really varies drastically how the would sees and treats them depending upon where the Army sends us to live at any given moment. I lived in the same place most of my childhood life. The people there never caused me any trouble with being Indian. It was a fascination to them but that wore off after a while. I had more trouble about being Catholic there. Now we move a lot. My kids have no “home” and people don’t find it fascinating that a bunch of little Mexican Indian mixed kids are now invading their town, instead they tend to treat them with disgust. Most of my kids barely speak Spanish (some are fluent though) so Hispanics look down on them for not speaking Spanish. Indians look down on them for not having tribal affiliation. White people are fascinated with them at first but then shun them once they figure out they are just normal people and not exotic. This is just the tip of what we deal with on a daily basis. And no, I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand what it’s like because it isn’t anything g that you will need to deal with. But having a gay child would not make it any harder than what most of us deal with anyway. There is no personal experiences to draw words of comfort or advice from because the world is constantly changing. It is not becoming more or less discriminatory. It is just changing the way that looks and how that is carried out. It’s frustrating trying to explain and I haven’t explained it very well. I know somebody is going to try to say I’m angry at whites but honestly I am not. And most of the discrimination does not come from whites. Usually it is from other minorities including many in both sides of our extended family. Thankfully our parents and siblings aren’t like that.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I grew up in that kind of circumstance and environment.

 

[Rau]

Actually, if you read through the thread, you’ve been pretty disparaging towards adult children not attending their parents’ church, and as well as towards adult children refusing to accept verbal abuse - both out of some sort of philosophy where parental deference reigns supreme. In fact, you described people who wouldn’t do either/or as selfish, unconcerned with kindness and generosity, and overly obsessed with personal rights.

No, I’ve not disparaged anyone. I’ve applauded good acts, and in the earlier posts, I called for some understanding, some “slack to be cut” the parents, and I do consider a refusal to do that a lack of kindness. Honor thy father and mother…

A person may rightly choose to not attend their parents’ church. They may rightly address acceptable behaviour with their parents. You confuse advocating for one course of action in one case at one time with rejecting the converse on principle. I do not. The other side of the debate has consistently declined to acknowledge or advocate any course other than pursuing personal “rights”.

 

[oneofmany]

For LGBT people to go to church services where they sometimes hear that people like them are “abominations” or deserve to go to hell (this kind of thing does happen in some denominations) really could be like torture. There are lots of LGBT youth who have not come out to their parents, so their parents might not even realize how painful this is for these children to be in church.

They will never hear that in a Catholic Church.

 

[1990Domer]

In my 48 years, I have never heard SSA people referred to as an “abomination.” Neither have my parents, who are 89 and 85 and attend weekly mass.

 

[Thorolfr]

In my 48 years, I have never heard SSA people referred to as an “abomination.” Neither have my parents, who are 89 and 85 and attend weekly mass.

You’re probably right. Leviticus, 20:13 calls the act an “abomination” in the King James Version. But then it says, “they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them” which it would be just as disturbing for any LGBT person to listen to in a church. And there are conservative Evangelical Christian pastors who still call for the death penalty for anyone who commits homosexual acts.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

In my 48 years, I have never heard SSA people referred to as an “abomination.” Neither have my parents, who are 89 and 85 and attend weekly mass.

We’re talking about people who have never really attended mass, right? There’s a good chance they have no idea what to expect and that would definitely make a lot of people apprehensive. In our current social climate, I could see that being even more true for LGBT people.

 

[jmcrae]

You’re probably right. Leviticus, 20:13 calls the act an “abomination” in the King James Version. But then it says, “they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them” which it would be just as disturbing for any LGBT person to listen to in a church. And there are conservative Evangelical Christian pastors who still call for the death penalty for anyone who commits homosexual acts.

That passage is one of the very few that is actually never read out at Mass. This issue is typically dealt with in the Confessional, rather than in preaching.

No one can speak for Evangelicals- each pastor or each preacher just does his own thing.

 

[1990Domer]

You’re probably right. Leviticus, 20:13 calls the act an “abomination” in the King James Version. But then it says, “they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them” which it would be just as disturbing for any LGBT person to listen to in a church. And there are conservative Evangelical Christian pastors who still call for the death penalty for anyone who commits homosexual acts.

I did hear it from one of my former co-workers whose daddy (her words) was a minister. Actually, I was condemned to Hell by quite a few Baptists. Never quite understood that one.