How to tell parents that my brother is gay

[Strydersroom]

As I understand that the OP’s brother is reading this thread too, I’ll just address this straight to him.

I’ve been trying to think how I’d want my son to raise the issue of his sexuality with me if he was gay. I’m struggling because we don’t have a son ( we’re hoping, but it’s work in progress!) but I do have friends who were brought up Catholic and are gay and living with partners.

What would matter most to me is that my son could be honest with me. As a Catholic, I have all those beliefs about mortal sin and Hell and the thought of my baby (no matter how old he is) ending up there would be an awful thing to contemplate in itself, without thinking he was living his life on Earth hiding a secret from me and agonizing over my reaction.

I would appreciate being told in private, without the boyfriend present and with some prior warning that you had something pretty big to tell me. I would also appreciate your understanding that the news will take a while to sink in and accept that for a while, I may be lost for words. I might scream and rave, or I might be left speechless! I might say things that hurt you and me because I am in shock. I would like you to know that I still love you and we are still family. As a Catholic, above all, I believe you are created by God and God makes everyone for a purpose, so I still believe you have lots to bring to the family and the world regardless of your sexuality.

I would be thankful if you told me that while you haven’t embraced the Catholic Faith in adult life, you have learned enough from your upbringing and education to be a compassionate and kind human being, who knows right from wrong. I’d like you to talk openly and calmly (one day - maybe not the day you break the news) about the Catholic Church’s teaching on sex outside marriage and see that as a Catholic, I love the sinner and hate the sin: I do not advocate discrimination or hatred towards gay people.

I’d also like you to respect my beliefs and accept that you and your boyfriend would not be sharing a bed under my roof if you came to stay. If you felt you’d rather stay elsewhere, I’d respect that. I would say exactly the same if you were sleeping with a woman outside marriage.

I can’t speak for your parents, but for me, even though I might never accept that same-sex relations are not disordered, I would still see you as a wonderful human being and as my son. I would hope with all my heart that you could still accept me as your mother.

What if your theoretical son was married to his husband? Would you let them stay under your roof then?

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Yes, from reading the first post it seems like the children have all decided their parents were behind the times with the religion they follow but oh well, they really don’t care about their parents thoughts about religion anymore. They were more concerned how their brother was going to be treated.

As a priest, I have seen every permutation of the breakdown of a family across my years. Dear me. All of them being tragically sad for one reason or another…or for many.

Rarely was it my experience that a major fall out, like this post envisages, was the result of a one time event/announcement. It was the result of a long chain of events, often spanning years, and building one on another…as well as an ever growing resentment on the part of some parties.

I have certainly seen it where parents of a certain type and mindset will, essentially, ostracize an adult for a decision such as leaving the Church or entering a marriage the Church does not deem valid. The same sex relationship is a more recent variation on a long-standing theme. And I have certainly seen, in that circumstance, the other adult emancipated children unite with their now disowned sibling to inform the parents that they are breaking off all contact with the parents (and preventing any contact with grandchildren as well), in solidarity with their sibling, until the parents reestablish contact with the disowned sibling.

That, in fact, has actually been the classic point when the parents have reached out to me as they are then thrown into a profound existential crisis, spiritually and emotionally, while they try to discern their duties as parents in the eyes of the Church and, it must be said, of a culture of another era. Often enough, on the Church’s side, they have radically misunderstood what was actually incumbent upon them.

They wanted to emotionally isolate their child to punish him or her into surrendering. The siblings understand that and, often enough, have received this method of punishment applied against them for decisions they have made, again as adults. So, they decide to use the same method: emotionally isolate the parents so that they will capitulate. It is, needless to say, a breathtakingly unhealthy family dynamic.

Of course, I would have preferred had they involved me before it reached the point of crisis, when it was yet possible to perhaps dial back the rhetoric and to try to obviate an explosion. In addition to the parents being in crisis, it is much harder for a priest to try to reach the non-practicing “children” by that point as the parents’ actions have engendered hatred and contempt for the Church (as well as the clergy) by their characterizations – and a high emotional response, too.

So there are sessions needed by the priest first to try to rebuild the bridge which has been incinerated, so that the children will even be willing to meet with me and listen – and understand that what they are going to hear from me and the tone that I will use is nothing of what they were hearing from their parents. That does not always happen, sadly. When it does, the reaction of the children to my initial regard for the situation is shock and disbelief…because I am agreeing with them.

The ones I remember the most vividly were cases where the parents were quite insistent on religious practice…even when the children had become adults and were living independently…and that became an intolerable intrusion into the lives of emancipated adults.

In any event, it is my sincere prayer that the level of dysfunction is not that high in the original poster’s family – that the parents are able to come to terms with where their adult children are in the decisions about their own lives and how they will choose to live them and with whom they will choose to populate them – and that some degree of family relations can be maintained between the generation of the parents and that of the children.

I remember this family – all of them and their various significant others – now in my daily prayers. I hope some day, before I go to God, to find out the result…and that it was as positive as one could hope for, given the situation as it actually is.

 

[Lea101]

Your Post #28 is the one where you made the statement in question, and with which I took some issue. In that post, you wrote: “Why would the parents need concern?”.

In post #136 you write: “I was asking why they need equal or more concern than the gay person…”. Perhaps that’s what you meant to say, but it’s not what you said.

In that post, i said “equal or more” at the end lol. i think you read the first sentence and flipped out

 

[Rose71]

What if your theoretical son was married to his husband? Would you let them stay under your roof then?

As a Catholic, I do not recognise marriage between 2 people of the same sex. I recognise that homosexual people who are not Catholics can be in a monogamous and committed relationship with a person of the same sex and I recognise that many homosexual people draw companionship, comfort and strength from being in a permamnet relationship.

That doesn’t alter my core belief that sexual relations outside marriage (as in sacramental marriage between a man and a woman) are wrong, so the answer is ‘yes, I would allow them to stay under my roof, but not to share a bed’. In reality, I can see that most homosexual couples would perfer, in these circumstances, to find accomodation elsewhere.

In exactly the same way, I would not allow an unmarried heterosexual couple to share a bed under my roof; nor would I accept hospitality from a Jew or Muslim and then demand bacon and sausages for breakfast because ‘it’s my choice and it’s what I believe’.

The crux of the matter for me, is not that the couple in question are gay, but that they are doing something that, according to my beliefs, is morally wrong and there is no reason, other than a ‘want’ as opposed to a ‘need’ for them to share a bed under my roof.

I do find the Church’s teaching on homosexuality a tricky one, because I have several gay friends and it grieves me to think that something hereosexual people called to marriage can look forward to and enjoy is, for them, an ‘intrinsically disordered act’ and will always be wrong. I don’t like the way the modern Church seems more eager to turn a blind eye to heterosexual adultery as if it’s ‘really not that bad’. I think it’s worse, because the sacrament of marriage is available to these people (unless one or both are already married) but gay people, according to the Catholic faith, have no such choice and feelings of loneliness, isolation and rejection are awful things to bear.

I guess you could say my beliefs on homosexual relations are based on blind faith and trust in God, even though it perplexes me, I know I must follow my Shepherd. Having said that, the one aspect I do absolutely accept and will defend if the ‘gay marriage’ bit. Marriage is a Sacrament between a man and a woman. A ‘gay marriage’ is like saying people who Holy Orders are for people who say ‘yes’ to (for example) poverty and obedience, but reserve the right to take a lover because they feel it is ‘right for them’.

Nobody should undervalue or refuse to acknowledge that living a life of poverty and obedience by serving the needy, living a prayerful life and doing good works for fellow men is a wonderful gift to the world - but it still isn’t the Sacrament of Holy Orders!

Modern wisdom seems to present an artificial ‘either / or’ choice that for me, doesn’t really have to be so. I believe it is more than possible - it is only right - to love gay people as God’s creations and to celebrate and respect the works of good they do and the joy they bring to the world through their good works as much as we should celebrate the good in anyone else. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t also be allowed to express our belief that sexual acts ourtside the sanctity of marriage are morally wrong.

 

[BioNerd]

Well thank you to everyone who gave sincere replies!

My brother ended up telling my parents separately a week ago. First our dad, who took it a little better than we had expected (and by that I mean he didn’t really say much at all according to what my brother said). But my mother was a different story, there was a lot of crying and yelling of pretty hurtful things on her part, but we were kind of expecting that. Anywho, my brother gave them the contact info of the priest he had talked to but so far they don’t really want to see or hear from him right now. My sister is gonna wait a while before she invites them for the get-together because the odds that they’ll come don’t look too good if we say anything now. Not the best of family scenarios but, c’est la vie.

Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents if they’re the ones throwing a fit and rejecting our invites…

Shout out to the priest on here, you are ON POINT Father!

 

[Rau]

…Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents…

It isn’t. It is to be hoped that your parents will maintain contact with your brother (no doubt they will continue to love him) but it is not reasonable to expect them to welcome his relationship with the other man, or to be happy about it.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Well thank you to everyone who gave sincere replies!

My brother ended up telling my parents separately a week ago. First our dad, who took it a little better than we had expected (and by that I mean he didn’t really say much at all according to what my brother said). But my mother was a different story, there was a lot of crying and yelling of pretty hurtful things on her part, but we were kind of expecting that. Anywho, my brother gave them the contact info of the priest he had talked to but so far they don’t really want to see or hear from him right now. My sister is gonna wait a while before she invites them for the get-together because the odds that they’ll come don’t look too good if we say anything now. Not the best of family scenarios but, c’est la vie.

Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents if they’re the ones throwing a fit and rejecting our invites…

Shout out to the priest on here, you are ON POINT Father!

Thank you for taking the time to give an update. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and I have wondered what happened. So much of what we do as priests, we only get to find the result of in eternity. Whatever happened to that baby we baptised and so forth.

I would have been so happy to have been wrong in this instance, I must tell you…for you to have been the exception. I am truly very sorry it did not go better…even while I am thankful it was not even worse. You and your brother and sister have each other and I am sure that is a tremendous comfort for you and those with whom you share your lives. Let us hope your parents will reach out to a priest who can help them as they process everything.

I assure you again of my prayers for everyone who is part of this dynamic…and for the pain each of you is experiencing.

 

[Strydersroom]

It isn’t. It is to be hoped that your parents will maintain contact with your brother (no doubt they will continue to love him) but it is not reasonable to expect them to welcome his relationship with the other man, or to be happy about it.

Yes, how dare parents be happy about their children being happy. luckily my parents were at my wedding and cried tears of joy seeing how happy I was.

 

[Rau]

Yes, how dare parents be happy about their children being happy. luckily my parents were at my wedding and cried tears of joy seeing how happy I was.

And perhaps that is a failure to put yourselves into the shoes of the parents. Would they rather he is happy with a wife, or with another man? Or should they not care which?

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Well thank you to everyone who gave sincere replies!

My brother ended up telling my parents separately a week ago. First our dad, who took it a little better than we had expected (and by that I mean he didn’t really say much at all according to what my brother said). But my mother was a different story, there was a lot of crying and yelling of pretty hurtful things on her part, but we were kind of expecting that. Anywho, my brother gave them the contact info of the priest he had talked to but so far they don’t really want to see or hear from him right now. My sister is gonna wait a while before she invites them for the get-together because the odds that they’ll come don’t look too good if we say anything now. Not the best of family scenarios but, c’est la vie.

Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents if they’re the ones throwing a fit and rejecting our invites…

Shout out to the priest on here, you are ON POINT Father!

Hope your brother is OK and well done to him for telling them. Give your parents time! Remember they are actually having to process several pieces of information. Your brother is gay, is in a relationship and has been for 4 years and you all lied to them. While your brother being gay is probably the biggest shock and would have been difficult for them to handle anyway, the other pieces of information are probably making it worse.

As for rejecting your parents, I think it’s just the way you come across. You’ve been very dismissive of their beliefs, they haven’t rejected an invite yet as your sister hasn’t yet invited them? You also made a comment about having your brother at the party and not them at one point as a preference to you. If you truly weren’t rejecting them, you would understand their beliefs, give them time, invite them when things are calmer and then let them decide. Yes if they say no because of your brother, it’s them doing the rejecting, but they have only just found out! You can’t accuse them of that yet.

 

[Rose71]

I’m glad your brother has talked to your parents.

Re-the concept of ‘rejection’, lots of aspects of the Catholic Faith are often described as ‘gifts’ and the act of parents bringing up their children in the Catholic Faith and teaching them about their faith is often described as giving them the ‘gift of faith’.

If you and your siblings have decided, as adults, that Catholicism is not something you wish to embrace, your parents are likely to feel as though they have tried to give you a wonderful gift that they feel is very precious and you have rejected it.

That’s why I think it is important to acknowledge that despite the fact you do not agree with all the teachings of the Church, you are still thankful for being raised by your parents and give them and the Church some credit for the way your lives have been shaped to become decent, caring and hard-working people (I’m assuming from the way you write that you are _

Remember that God does not reject any of you! If you choose to resent your parents for their reaction and for their beliefs, then that is your call and yours alone. Paradoxically, the more they love you, the more they will feel distressed by your choices as adults - so you can choose to see the love there - or choose to see what you perceive to be narrow-mindedness and belief in superstition and ritual.

I’m sure it’s not going to be an easy ride, but if you are all prepared to hang in there and treat your parents with respect, warmth and dignity for as long as it takes and make it clear to them that you still love them, even though you disagree with their beliefs, then you are at least maximising the probability of them building a better relationship with your brother over time.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents if they’re the ones throwing a fit and rejecting our invites…

It isn’t. And if they refuse to come to events, the last thing you should do is humor them by canceling on your brother and spending the day with them.

Don’t ever let your parents’ issues come between you and your brother. He’s the one you’ll have after they’re gone. He’s the one who will care for your children if something happens to you (and vice-versa). You’ll help each other carry on your family traditions and help each other’s children understand your heritage. Siblings truly are for life. Your brother’s partner could very well become a permenant, integral part of your family. Don’t reject that possibility because of them, or even the possibility of a close relationship with any future nieces and nephews.

Your brother sounds very lucky to have you and your sister. Best of luck to all of you.

 

[bitterhope]

It isn’t. And if they refuse to come to events, the last thing you should do is humor them by canceling on your brother and spending the day with them.

Don’t ever let your parents’ issues come between you and your brother. He’s the one you’ll have after they’re gone. He’s the one who will care for your children if something happens to you (and vice-versa). You’ll help each other carry on your family traditions and help each other’s children understand your heritage. Siblings truly are for life. Your brother’s partner could very well become a permenant, integral part of your family. Don’t reject that possibility because of them, or even the possibility of a close relationship with any future nieces and nephews.

Your brother sounds very lucky to have you and your sister. Best of luck to all of you.

I agree. It’s very refreshing to here of adult siblings remaining close. Siblings are very important. Praying for peace and healing in your family

 

[EasterJoy]

Well thank you to everyone who gave sincere replies!

My brother ended up telling my parents separately a week ago. First our dad, who took it a little better than we had expected (and by that I mean he didn’t really say much at all according to what my brother said). But my mother was a different story, there was a lot of crying and yelling of pretty hurtful things on her part, but we were kind of expecting that. Anywho, my brother gave them the contact info of the priest he had talked to but so far they don’t really want to see or hear from him right now. My sister is gonna wait a while before she invites them for the get-together because the odds that they’ll come don’t look too good if we say anything now. Not the best of family scenarios but, c’est la vie.

Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents if they’re the ones throwing a fit and rejecting our invites…

Shout out to the priest on here, you are ON POINT Father!

In my experience, your mother has been denial about this possibility for a very long time. She’s had her carefully-nursed and dearly-held world view crushed. I think it was a very good thing to have broached this subject far in advance of Thanksgiving, because it will give your parents a good long time to process the information. It may also be that they had stereotypes about homosexuals that do not fit your brother, such that this really was an astonishing revelation to them.

No, you do not have to choose between loving and accepting your parents and loving and accepting your brother, although you may have to choose which family events you will and won’t go to and where your boundaries are concerning what treatment of the members of your family you will and won’t tolerate. I’d say that the more neutral, the more even-handed, the least drama-filled and the most behavior-based the standard, the better. In other words, avoid “you’ve proven you are this sort of person” as much as humanly possible and stick with “I cannot be a party to this kind of action.” You are in a position to be the understanding and steady “this too, shall pass” force in this storm. The more you can encourage everyone to be merciful about ill-considered words and actions, the better. Your family will come through this the best if mulligans are given out where ever possible.

At any rate, parents who at first react with shock and upset often come around, sometimes farther around that could be imagined at first. Encourage your brother to take this one day at a time and to remember this: It took him awhile to get used to the idea that he was homosexual. Your parents won’t adjust to the realization in a day, either. That doesn’t mean he needs to tolerate bad treatment, but it is a suggestion that he’d be wise to give them time to do an attitude adjustment on themselves. They probably will, if they are given the chance. Try to leave the door open for a change in outlook.

 

[oneofmany]

Well thank you to everyone who gave sincere replies!

My brother ended up telling my parents separately a week ago. First our dad, who took it a little better than we had expected (and by that I mean he didn’t really say much at all according to what my brother said). But my mother was a different story, there was a lot of crying and yelling of pretty hurtful things on her part, but we were kind of expecting that. Anywho, my brother gave them the contact info of the priest he had talked to but so far they don’t really want to see or hear from him right now. My sister is gonna wait a while before she invites them for the get-together because the odds that they’ll come don’t look too good if we say anything now. Not the best of family scenarios but, c’est la vie.

Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents if they’re the ones throwing a fit and rejecting our invites…

Shout out to the priest on here, you are ON POINT Father!

I hope you can understand your mother’s feelings as well. Would you really respect your mother if she just dumped her religion and beliefs just like that? How faithful would she be if she can be nonchalant about her faith? I feel she is a good woman and has to register her feelings right now, like where did she go wrong, etc. You may not agree with that but it’s her feelings and deeply held beliefs.

I hope they go to talk to their parish priest and he knows about Courage International.

 

[AClaire11]

I hope you can understand your mother’s feelings as well. Would you really respect your mother if she just dumped her religion and beliefs just like that? How faithful would she be if she can be nonchalant about her faith? I feel she is a good woman and has to register her feelings right now, like where did she go wrong, etc. You may not agree with that but it’s her feelings and deeply held beliefs.

I hope they go to talk to their parish priest and he knows about Courage International.

There’s a difference between holding to your beliefs about homosexuality and engaging in “yelling of pretty hurtful things.” No, the mother should not be expected to throw up her hands and drop her beliefs like a hot potato. But verbal abuse is not acceptable.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There’s a difference between holding to your beliefs about homosexuality and engaging in “yelling of pretty hurtful things.” No, the mother should not be expected to throw up her hands and drop her beliefs like a hot potato. But verbal abuse is not acceptable.

Yeah, it sounds like Mom crossed a pretty big line here. I hope the OP’s brother put his foot down on that kind of treatment.

 

[jmcrae]

There’s a difference between holding to your beliefs about homosexuality and engaging in “yelling of pretty hurtful things.” No, the mother should not be expected to throw up her hands and drop her beliefs like a hot potato. But verbal abuse is not acceptable.

I agree with this. Respect is extremely important and it must go both ways. Attack ideas; not people.

 

[TheLastUnicorn]

Well thank you to everyone who gave sincere replies!

My brother ended up telling my parents separately a week ago. First our dad, who took it a little better than we had expected (and by that I mean he didn’t really say much at all according to what my brother said). But my mother was a different story, there was a lot of crying and yelling of pretty hurtful things on her part, but we were kind of expecting that. Anywho, my brother gave them the contact info of the priest he had talked to but so far they don’t really want to see or hear from him right now. My sister is gonna wait a while before she invites them for the get-together because the odds that they’ll come don’t look too good if we say anything now. Not the best of family scenarios but, c’est la vie.

Also, I wouldn’t mind having someone explain to me how accepting our brother and his boyfriend into our lives is “rejecting” our parents if they’re the ones throwing a fit and rejecting our invites…

Shout out to the priest on here, you are ON POINT Father!

I’m sorry your mother got so upset about it. Hopefully both of your parents will come around. My mother got very upset when she found out my brother was gay, but now they are on good terms and my mother is very devout. Sometimes it hurts to learn that things are different from what you thought they were. Your brother was brave to tell them. Nothing is worth throwing out a relationship with your children over. I hope your parents see that and that you will all stay on good terms. It would be a real shame if they didn’t. Take care. :hug1:

 

[BioNerd]

Thank y’all for the prayers and concerns! Things are still kind of a roller coaster right now with our parents (mainly just my mother who’s praying, fasting, idk what else honestly for my brothers ‘salvation’) but for the most part there’s been no anger or resentment from our part, we’re just incredibly annoyed. Our dad is becoming a little more accepting of the new change that my brother and his “roommate” aren’t just roommates, which was really surprising to us.

My mother has not really stopped crying since she was told. She’s found reasons to be upset at all of us again and has begun the phone calls about my sister and I living with our boyfriends and about trying to get my brother to attend gay conversion therapy. My sister pointed out how crazy she sounded and that got her to lay off a bit. Not too sure how it’s all gonna work out in the end but I really feel like it’s just up to them. We’re just gonna continue with life and they can choose to partake in it or not.

This will be the last reply and probably the last time I post in general unless something else comes up (wayyyy too many Trump supporters, I mean are people actually serious in that Trump thread?! Do people seriously think that way? Is that a Catholic thing? I hope not! ) But thank you so much for all the help and (name removed by moderator)ut! I appreciated the different point of view and it definitely helped us to understand our parents a little more. Hook 'Em! (They really need to add a longhorn symbol!)