How to tell someone to sit further back in church

[pianistclare]

I don’t usually watch what others are doing in mass…

However, there is a family who’s son is an altar server and when this child serves, they sit in front pew. When the child does not serve, they sit towards the back…no problem there…I noticed but whatever.

This child is now serving funeral masses and the mom and grandmother go to watch the child altar server…and sits in front row. They do not usually know the deceased. The ,family had to break up the relatives seating…I am hearing gossip and also they do this at weddings.

Father at this church is very passive about it.

I know the mom of the altar server too…and it’s not good what others are saying. I don’t want to make a big issue by going to the priest or altar server coodinator. Just a heads up thing…
My good friend asked me to say something as they think I can do it in a nice way. Eek…I don’t know.

What do you think…myob, or tell them?

Reserved signs at both ends of the first couple (or several in case of a funeral) pews.
And then ushers who will genially say:**I"M SORRY BUT THESE PEWS ARE RESERVED FOR THE WEDDING PARTY/ THE BEREAVED FAMILY.
**
End of story.
Ushers should “ush”. Period.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m confused about why it is an issue for them to sit in the front during a regular Sunday Mass? Can’t anyone sit where they like? Why would anyone care about that? People normally sit in the same spots, but if someone else is where I generally sit, I sit somewhere else. Maybe the child was scared to serve and feels better when he can see his family?

I would not get myself involved in this. It’s okay to tell your friend “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable saying something” and offer suggestions about how she might word it politely if she would like to address it. Otherwise, maybe the next wedding they do it someone will say something to them.

Well, they need to understand that as proud as they are of this young man,

1. it’s not a performance
2. they are likely making him terribly nervous, as you know they are probably going step by step on the car ride home. The person who also trains the servers could step in and tell them to leave the poor kid alone. As DRE, I would have no problem asking them to ease up on him. But it’s really the job of the Ushers, as I said above.

 

[kptrs]

Well, they need to understand that as proud as they are of this young man,

1. it’s not a performance
2. they are likely making him terribly nervous, as you know they are probably going step by step on the car ride home. The person who also trains the servers could step in and tell them to leave the poor kid alone. As DRE, I would have no problem asking them to ease up on him. But it’s really the job of the Ushers, as I said above.

Yes.

A child serving Mass is doing so for the glory of God, not the entertainment of his family. I remember seeing a grandfather videotaping his grandchildren serving at Sunday Mass. It was back in the day before mini video cameras, so it was a pretty conspicuous. He was sitting in the very front row with a huge camera turning to follow their every move as they walked up the aisle and around on the altar.

I get it. It’s great to be proud of your kids. But priorities have to be in order. Mass is not a show. The focus is God, not the ministers.

 

[kptrs]

I’m confused about why it is an issue for them to sit in the front during a regular Sunday Mass? Can’t anyone sit where they like? Why would anyone care about that? People normally sit in the same spots, but if someone else is where I generally sit, I sit somewhere else. Maybe the child was scared to serve and feels better when he can see his family?

I would not get myself involved in this. It’s okay to tell your friend “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable saying something” and offer suggestions about how she might word it politely if she would like to address it. Otherwise, maybe the next wedding they do it someone will say something to them.

If the friend is grieving, I can understand why she wouldn’t want to get herself involved. I, frankly, would be outraged if someone did this at my loved one’s funeral…but probably wouldn’t “feel like” doing anything about it. It’s not really unusual for someone who is experiencing fresh grief from the death of a loved one to ask a friend to do something like this.

 

[Aggie414]

I don’t care where anyone sits during regular Sunday Mass, but I find it absurd that a family would have to be told not to sit in the front pew during a wedding Mass or a funeral. That’s just common courtesy.

 

[tafan]

I don’t care where anyone sits during regular Sunday Mass, but I find it absurd that a family would have to be told not to sit in the front pew during a wedding Mass or a funeral. That’s just common courtesy.

Exactly, and someone should tell them. All these comments about its not the OP’s place, well someone has to do it. Consider it brotherly correction, tell them kindly.

 

[TechieGuy]

Well, you say you know the mother of the server…how much would it bother you if that woman took offense and never spoke to you again.

If it wouldn’t bother you, then tell her that what she and her family are doing at funerals and weddings is discourteous and that they should stop.

If you aren’t willing to risk that, then don’t tell her.

But none of this is anything you are particularly obligated to do - one day a grieving or happy family will tell these folks something like, “Hey, we don’t know you and we need you to move so that the grieving widow/the mother of the bride can sit there,” and the problem will take care of itself.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, as a parish worker, I do notice that Ushering seems to be waning.
It’s now “Ministers of Hospitality” a term which I don’t like at all. Sounds like they cut reception cake and serve punch.
They seem to have been reduced to handing out songsheets at the beginning of Mass, bulletins at the end, and simply greeting people wit a friendly hello.
There are (sadly) always plenty of places to sit at our pariahs, so they don’t feel the need to direct anyone any more. Some folks don’t lie to be told where to sit either (obviously).

Humility.
All of our parishes need a bit more of it.
I remember a mom last year wanted to video her son’s First Confession. She simply could NOT understand why I told her to stop. We started having Deacons present from then on.
People will listen to a Deacon but a lay person saying anything? Get ready for a fight.
Particularly if you are a lay employee.

It really has to be addressed by someone else.

 

[mommy_k]

Well, they need to understand that as proud as they are of this young man,

1. it’s not a performance
2. they are likely making him terribly nervous, as you know they are probably going step by step on the car ride home. The person who also trains the servers could step in and tell them to leave the poor kid alone. As DRE, I would have no problem asking them to ease up on him. But it’s really the job of the Ushers, as I said above.

Yes that’s the words used…performance…or a school play.

The family came through side front entrance to drop off thier son to get alb on in the back. No ushers up front. I think they are ok to sit in reserved seats because their son is on altar.

 

[mommy_k]

If the friend is grieving, I can understand why she wouldn’t want to get herself involved. I, frankly, would be outraged if someone did this at my loved one’s funeral…but probably wouldn’t “feel like” doing anything about it. It’s not really unusual for someone who is experiencing fresh grief from the death of a loved one to ask a friend to do something like this.

Yes…

 

[pianistclare]

Yes that’s the words used…performance…or a school play.

The family came through side front entrance to drop off thier son to get alb on in the back. No ushers up front. I think they are ok to sit in reserved seats because their son is on altar.

Is it disrupting the liturgy?

 

[Allegra]

Yes.

A child serving Mass is doing so for the glory of God, not the entertainment of his family. I remember seeing a grandfather videotaping his grandchildren serving at Sunday Mass. It was back in the day before mini video cameras, so it was a pretty conspicuous. He was sitting in the very front row with a huge camera turning to follow their every move as they walked up the aisle and around on the altar.

I get it. It’s great to be proud of your kids. But priorities have to be in order. Mass is not a show. The focus is God, not the ministers.

Pretty much everyone I know has their wedding and children’s Baptism Masses photographed and/or videotaped. Many parishes hire a professional photographer for first Holy Communion and Confirmation, to avoid parents getting up during the Mass. It’s really not that big of a deal for a Mass to be photographed when it’s a special occasion, and when someone’s kid is serving for the first time, that’s kind of special. I wouldn’t judge. You’re not supposed to be looking at other people. You’re supposed to be praying. If it’s about the glory of God, then why not focus on that yourself?

 

[kptrs]

Pretty much everyone I know has their wedding and children’s Baptism Masses photographed and/or videotaped. Many parishes hire a professional photographer for first Holy Communion and Confirmation, to avoid parents getting up during the Mass. It’s really not that big of a deal for a Mass to be photographed when it’s a special occasion, and when someone’s kid is serving for the first time, that’s kind of special. I wouldn’t judge. You’re not supposed to be looking at other people. You’re supposed to be praying. If it’s about the glory of God, then why not focus on that yourself?

I don’t have any issue with photographing weddings, Baptisms, etc. But parents of an altar server sitting in the front row of someone else’s funeral or wedding as the OP has described is way out of line. I posted this story to point out that it’s not about the altar servers - it’s about God. Hence, the people in the OP’s story need to stop.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t have any issue with photographing weddings, Baptisms, etc. But parents of an altar server sitting in the front row of someone else’s funeral or wedding as the OP has described is way out of line. I posted this story to point out that it’s not about the altar servers - it’s about God. Hence, the people in the OP’s story need to stop.

I agree it’s inappropriate at someone else’s funeral or wedding, just not that it’s the OP’s job to step in. The parish priest, the sacristan, the ushers, a person in charge of coordinating altar servers, the best man, a family member of the bereaved, are all appropriate people to make that call. The OP’s friend should speak to those people.

 

[mommy_k]

Is it disrupting the liturgy?

No and yes. They were already in the pew when the mass started and the family procession. But they were in the way.

Then after communion they went through side exit near sacristy to meet thier son, I guess.

 

[pianistclare]

No and yes. They were already in the pew when the mass started and the family procession. But they were in the way.

Then after communion they went through side exit near sacristy to meet thier son, I guess.

I doubt saying anything to them will make any bot of difference if they are so clueless. They should really know that they are putting him above everyone else. Some people are very self centered.

I myself would say something to them…even if they got angry. But then, I work in a church and am often called to deliver the “bad news” from someone above me. I can see where anyone else would be reluctant to address it, and I’m not saying you should.
Sorry.

 

[Allegra]

I doubt saying anything to them will make any bot of difference if they are so clueless. They should really know that they are putting him above everyone else. Some people are very self centered.

I myself would say something to them…even if they got angry. But then, I work in a church and am often called to deliver the “bad news” from someone above me. I can see where anyone else would be reluctant to address it, and I’m not saying you should.
Sorry.

Oh, I don’t know about that. If the person in charge says, “Hey, listen. For funerals and weddings, we like to reserve the first few pews for the family. Do you mind moving to another spot?” I suspect they would move and while they may be disappointed, I highly doubt they would argue. What do you expect them to say? “Who cares about the mother of the bride? It’s the altar server’s 22nd big day!” However, if a third party criticizes them for sitting there weeks or months after the fact, that might not go over so well.

 

[pianistclare]

Oh, I don’t know about that. If the person in charge says, “Hey, listen. For funerals and weddings, we like to reserve the first few pews for the family. Do you mind moving to another spot?” I suspect they would move and while they may be disappointed, I highly doubt they would argue. What do you expect them to say? “Who cares about the mother of the bride? It’s the altar server’s 22nd big day!” However, if a third party criticizes them for sitting there weeks or months after the fact, that might not go over so well.

People say a lot of things in churches that don’t go over well.
If the priest had a problem with it, I would say something. It appears their priest doesn’t care.

 

[Allegra]

People say a lot of things in churches that don’t go over well.
If the priest had a problem with it, I would say something. It appears their priest doesn’t care.

True, but I presumed from the original post that the OP wishes to continue a pleasant relationship with this person. Being the messenger of a third party’s discontent isn’t the best way to do that.

 

[EasterJoy]

At a funeral or a wedding, it is the ushers who ought to be a) marking the reserved areas and b) enforcing the reserved areas.

Funerals are normally open to parishioners, not to mention the general public, and it is a spiritual work of mercy to bury the dead whether you know them or not. What family cares if someone in the parish comes to the funeral of their loved one simply because he was a parishioner or a relative of a parishioner, and they want to show the parish cares? Most parishes I know have small markers to reserve the area meant for the family. The rest of the church is open seating.

I’ve trained altar servers. If the family members are having a negative impact on the altar server, I might say something. Otherwise, people can sit where ever they want. I would think a typical pastor would say the same thing.

The front pews at our church are unofficially reserved for older people and families with really small children. I have had a server whose grandma always sat in the front row, and no one blinked an eye. (Who cares? It isn’t as if Roman Catholics are usually found fighting over the front pews.)