How to tell someone to sit further back in church

[Anglewannabe]

It’s not really unusual for someone who is experiencing fresh grief from the death of a loved one to ask a friend to do something like this.

If the friend is grieving, it is charitable to cut her some slack and be understanding that she is offended about where somone sat. However, the OP is not grieving and should be the one to use a level head and not get involved. Honestly, when I first read this post, it came across as the friend acting like an immature high school student. Now that I know the friend is grieving, I have more compassion for her request but I still think the OP should be the mature one and stay out of it.

 

[pianistclare]

I can see where anyone else would be reluctant to address it, and I’m not saying you should.

This is what I said in response to the OP.

unsubscribing.

 

[kptrs]

At a funeral or a wedding, it is the ushers who ought to be a) marking the reserved areas and b) enforcing the reserved areas.

Funerals are normally open to parishioners, not to mention the general public, and it is a spiritual work of mercy to bury the dead whether you know them or not. What family cares if someone in the parish comes to the funeral of their loved one simply because he was a parishioner or a relative of a parishioner, and they want to show the parish cares? Most parishes I know have small markers to reserve the area meant for the family. The rest of the church is open seating.

I’ve trained altar servers. If the family members are having a negative impact on the altar server, I might say something. Otherwise, people can sit where ever they want. I would think a typical pastor would say the same thing.

The front pews at our church are unofficially reserved for older people and families with really small children. I have had a server whose grandma always sat in the front row, and no one blinked an eye. (Who cares? It isn’t as if Roman Catholics are usually found fighting over the front pews.)

At Sunday Mass, yes, people may sit wherever they want. And if parishioners want to come to funerals to show support, even if they don’t personally know the deceased, that is also fine. But if they do, I think they need to sit…not in the front row. I think it’s fair to say the parents of this server should not have sat in the front row of someone else’s funeral just because their kid was serving. I understand why the family of the deceased was offended by this. I myself would be outraged and would want to say something, much like the OP’s friend.

 

[YADA]

How about:

Getting more altar servers - then weddings and funerals could have another youth serving - Problem solved …

The person responsible in the parish for planning the funeral liturgy or wedding liturgy could gently inform the families of all the altar servers that - unlike normal “Sunday” Masses - the family of altar servers should not sit in the seating reserved for family members - this could be on the information sheets provided and discussed during altar serving training … then its addressed to each and every altar server and not one family - Problem solved

This instruction can be mentioned each and every time an altar server is recruited - or assigned to serve at special Masses like weddings and funerals - as a standard practice - again addressed to each and every server - not directed at a certain family

 

[kptrs]

How about:

Getting more altar servers - then weddings and funerals could have another youth serving - Problem solved …

The person responsible in the parish for planning the funeral liturgy or wedding liturgy could gently inform the families of all the altar servers that - unlike normal “Sunday” Masses - the family of altar servers should not sit in the seating reserved for family members - this could be on the information sheets provided and discussed during altar serving training … then its addressed to each and every altar server and not one family - Problem solved

This instruction can be mentioned each and every time an altar server is recruited - or assigned to serve at special Masses like weddings and funerals - as a standard practice - again addressed to each and every server - not directed at a certain family

This is a great idea.

 

[EasterJoy]

At Sunday Mass, yes, people may sit wherever they want. And if parishioners want to come to funerals to show support, even if they don’t personally know the deceased, that is also fine. But if they do, I think they need to sit…not in the front row. I think it’s fair to say the parents of this server should not have sat in the front row of someone else’s funeral just because their kid was serving. I understand why the family of the deceased was offended by this. I myself would be outraged and would want to say something, much like the OP’s friend.

In our parish, it is recognized that the front row is better for older people. They do not see as well, they do not hear as well, they have a harder time standing in the line for Holy Communion.

Yes, it would be good if someone could explain to the family of the server that while it is understandable that the grandmother would want to sit in the front at a normal Mass (for the reasons I gave), it is preferable that they not sit in the front at a wedding or a funeral, as those areas are typically used by the families and only by the families.

That, however, is not something for a typical fellow parishioner to say to them. A close friend might say it, an usher at a funeral or wedding might be alerted about the need to head them off at the pass or move them prior to seating the family, but that isn’t something that we in the rank-and-file can take upon ourselves. Those being given this embarrassing direction are usually going to be defensive. This needs to be handled by someone who very clearly has the authority to move them. Otherwise, what if you have a row right before a wedding or a funeral, right up in front? You’ll have made a bad situation worse.

If you were upset that someone was not moved from a section you intended for your family at a funeral of your loved one, imagine how upset you’d be if someone you did not want moved was moved by someone who took it upon themselves to insert themselves into a situation in which they had no jurisdiction, particularly if there was a public row about it! No, this is something you have to leave to just the few whose job it is to do it. If they don’t act, the act must be left undone.

Generally speaking, I’d say that for funerals it would be well to alert the people from the funeral home doing the funeral arrangements. Let them handle it. At a wedding, alert the ushers or groomsmen. Then let those with the office to take care of these things do it.

 

[mommy_k]

Some ideas on how to correct this are very good, but i am not a member of this parish, and don’t want to interject too much. I have though about this…

Even though we have a positive relationship with those there it’s delicate situation. That’s why I would feel more comfortable just telling the mom in a nice way in the context of catching up.

We go to mass very occasionally there. And there will be a delay to when I see this person…

So i am going to call the office there today and keep it short and simple. Eek. I really hate reporting people.

Thank you all for the advice.

 

[EasterJoy]

Some ideas on how to correct this are very good, but i am not a member of this parish, and don’t want to interject too much. I have though about this…

Even though we have a positive relationship with those there it’s delicate situation. That’s why I would feel more comfortable just telling the mom in a nice way in the context of catching up.

We go to mass very occasionally there. And there will be a delay to when I see this person…

So i am going to call the office there today and keep it short and simple. Eek. I really hate reporting people.

Thank you all for the advice.

Why would you report this to the office when the pastor has been notified already? There is no point to that, particularly when you’re not even a member of the parish. Do you think the pastor and other parishioners haven’t seen them? It isn’t as if the office staff is going to take action on a matter the pastor has chosen to let go.

You are right that the time to deal with this is when it is happening. If the matter comes up in a conversation with this person–that is, if they bring it up to you–that’s the time to say something. (Gently.) If you are at an event yourself when this happens again, say something to the ushers or the funeral home people. They can rectify the situation without making a big scene. Otherwise, let it go. It is possible to make matters worse by intervening.

 

[SuperHappy]

Still…not your call. Why does your friend want you to do-say something-that she is not willing to do herself. Just asking. Peace.

That’s what I was asking, if the “friend” feels it is necessary to tell this family something, why doesn’t she do it herself? Obviously because she knows it will have an ugly fallout and she doesn’t want to handle that. She would rather the OP bear the burden.

I feel the Father or the coordinator should say something.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s what I was asking, if the “friend” feels it is necessary to tell this family something, why doesn’t she do it herself? Obviously because she knows it will have an ugly fallout and she doesn’t want to handle that. She would rather the OP bear the burden.

I feel the Father or the coordinator should say something.

When the person who wants to see something done doesn’t think the consequences will be worth achieving the goal, that tells you something. It is not a spiritual favor to be someone else’s cannon fodder.

It is a mistake to automatically think that nothing is the wrong thing to do when the pastor has decided that nothing is the right thing to do. Pastors can be wrong, but they also have a lot of experience with “doing something” when the best thing to do is to resist doing anything when a situation is upsetting.

 

[JanetF]

My first thought was to quit using the son as a server at weddings and funeraals, but that’s not fair to him to punish him for his family’s error.

While I don’t think it’s up to you to say something to the family, I don’t know why you couldn’t bring it to father’s or the server coordinator’s attention in a charitable way. You might start with asking if there is a policy for seating of servers family members. This might upon dialogue for the person in charge to realize that there needs to be a policy and that it needs to be communicated to ALL server families. Singling out one family is not a good idea, unless and until the message is obviously not received by them.

OTOH, I think it’s a positive thing that the server family is sitting close and watching the server. Mom can correct him when needed (after mass of course), i.e., when father has to wait too long for his prompts to be answered, or server is fidgety and not acting appropriately. My mom was always eagle eyed when my brother served and would let him know when he messed up on the ride home from church.

 

[SuperHappy]

When the person who wants to see something done doesn’t think the consequences will be worth achieving the goal, that tells you something. It is not a spiritual favor to be someone else’s cannon fodder.

It is a mistake to automatically think that nothing is the wrong thing to do when the pastor has decided that nothing is the right thing to do. Pastors can be wrong, but they also have a lot of experience with “doing something” when the best thing to do is to resist doing anything when a situation is upsetting.

You are exactly right.

I have seen the fallout from similar situations in the past. Some people get their feelings hurt so badly by another church member that they stop attending services and leave the church altogether even though they are good, God loving families. It hurts when people turn away from the church because of something like this. In my opinion it’s just not worth risking hurting this person’s feelings.

People are constantly talking about getting people into the church and then when people do come, they get talked about for sitting in the wrong place. It has to stop.

If the Father in the church has no problem, then others need to let it go.

 

[Lorelei12]

People are constantly talking about getting people into the church and then when people do come, they get talked about for sitting in the wrong place. It has to stop.

If the Father in the church has no problem, then others need to let it go.

I agree with this. While I admit that I would be irritated if strangers were sitting up front at my own wedding, the OP wrote that she had only heard gossip about this, and hadn’t seen it herself. She saw them at a funeral one time. It’s strange to me that so many people would fixate on this; when I have lost someone close to me, pretty much the last thing I care about is where anyone sits. And on Sunday…the only times I’ve seen those pews reserved is for First Communions and Baptisms.

To report someone to the parish office based on one occasion and some gossip seems strange, to me. If you’re at a wedding and notice it, by all means mention it to an usher. But for a non-parishioner to be calling about someone she saw sitting in the front once at a funeral is a bit much.

 

[KiwiBliss]

I don’t usually watch what others are doing in mass…

However, there is a family who’s son is an altar server and when this child serves, they sit in front pew. When the child does not serve, they sit towards the back…no problem there…I noticed but whatever.

This child is now serving funeral masses and the mom and grandmother go to watch the child altar server…and sits in front row. They do not usually know the deceased. The ,family had to break up the relatives seating…I am hearing gossip and also they do this at weddings.

Father at this church is very passive about it.

I know the mom of the altar server too…and it’s not good what others are saying. I don’t want to make a big issue by going to the priest or altar server coodinator. Just a heads up thing…
My good friend asked me to say something as they think I can do it in a nice way. Eek…I don’t know.

What do you think…myob, or tell them?

Firstly, pray about it- everything you’re thinking, seeing, whatever- tell Jesus everything. He knows everything, what’s going on, and especially that it’s bothering you. We are truly nothing without God- when you give those burdens to Him, you’ll notice the weight taken away from your shoulders, because this concern of yours is not for you to worry about. Jesus knows the reasons why this family sits in the front row and it’s not for us to decide what’s best for someone else’s life nor judge them for it, unless we’ve been in their shoes. There’s nothing wrong with talking directly to the family and being sensitively honest about it, because it is then you’ll know the truth from the people themselves, rather than gossiping about it with other people who also don’t know. If I were you though, I wouldn’t tell the family that they should sit in the back row of church (that’s not for you to decide)- that would irritate me if I were told that and they’d likely be defensive about it… the last thing you want to do is be on their bad side, especially since you are friends with them. Be calm but also steady in your message to them, so they know where you stand. Provide some examples (like what you already shared with us) about why you are concerned with them sitting in the front row- especially during funerals and weddings when that wouldn’t be helpful for those loved ones that the front row seats were meant for. Perhaps you could email the priest to schedule a private meeting with you about something that is really bothering you and then at the meeting sharing with him about a friend (anonymous is recommended) of yours who’s family has been doing this and that- and see what he has to say about it. Overall, pray about everything and ask Jesus for direction with this dilemma that likely is not to be your concern, but that He will help you practice peace amid the storm as prayers will unfold in His time.

 

[AdamP88]

I wouldn’t say or do anything. If it was my family wedding or funeral I’d just tell them to move back as these pews are for family only. They’ll be embarrassed into moving back. It’s only a matter of time before this actually happens. Until then the only thing they’re doing is behaving rather oddly in that it’s not the usual thing to sit right at the front at some stranger’s family event.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You are exactly right.

I have seen the fallout from similar situations in the past. Some people get their feelings hurt so badly by another church member that they stop attending services and leave the church altogether even though they are good, God loving families. It hurts when people turn away from the church because of something like this. In my opinion it’s just not worth risking hurting this person’s feelings.

People are constantly talking about getting people into the church and then when people do come, they get talked about for sitting in the wrong place. It has to stop.

If the Father in the church has no problem, then others need to let it go.

To be fair the hurt person leaving church in this situation could just as easily be someone who couldn’t fit their family in the pew while the priest did nothing. Something needs to be done but it’s best not to single people out, marking seats as reserved would be the way to go.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I don’t usually watch what others are doing in mass…

However, there is a family who’s son is an altar server and when this child serves, they sit in front pew. When the child does not serve, they sit towards the back…no problem there…I noticed but whatever.

This child is now serving funeral masses and the mom and grandmother go to watch the child altar server…and sits in front row. They do not usually know the deceased. The ,family had to break up the relatives seating…I am hearing gossip and also they do this at weddings.

Father at this church is very passive about it.

I know the mom of the altar server too…and it’s not good what others are saying. I don’t want to make a big issue by going to the priest or altar server coodinator. Just a heads up thing…
My good friend asked me to say something as they think I can do it in a nice way. Eek…I don’t know.

What do you think…myob, or tell them?

One solution would be to talk to the priest. and state you think it is leading to gossip. Clearly, this is an issue and it should be addressed, I think.

I would also suggest reserving those pews which in a culture of responsibility would mean the parties using the Church would be in charge of.

 

[SuperLuigi]

People are constantly talking about getting people into the church and then when people do come, they get talked about for sitting in the wrong place. It has to stop.

If the Father in the church has no problem, then others need to let it go.

I would say one has bigger problems if he/she is offended enough to not fulfill their Mass obligation if the family at a funeral asked them to move back a few seats especially when they themselves are not family and do not know the deceased.

 

[SuperLuigi]

To be fair the hurt person leaving church in this situation could just as easily be someone who couldn’t fit their family in the pew while the priest did nothing. Something needs to be done but it’s best not to single people out, marking seats as reserved would be the way to go.

1. If people don’t want to split up the family, they need to arrive at Mass early enough. Really common sense goes a long way here.
2. It really isn’t the job of the priest to sit people; that’s why we have ushers.

I would request in these situations for funeral planning and weddings to consider these two options:

1. Let them sit there and be charitable about it. Probably easier said than done, honestly, and it’s hard to blame them for feeling that way.
2. Put up reserved signs and if necessary, ask them to move back.

 

[StudentMI]

I wouldn’t do anything about it yourself. If your friend is upset about it they can do something.

I do have to say if I was at a funeral for a loved one and some altar servers parents took the front row? It wouldn’t be pretty. If they are really doing that, trust me, someone will rant at them soon. Especially at a funeral or wedding. And to be frank, they’ll kind of deserve it.