How would you know if you are sexually compatible?

[SubjectVerb]

People are not cars that you test drive before you pick the compatible one.

Agreed. That view of sexuality stems from dehumanizing affects of our culture.

 

[The_Bucket]

It’s just something the couple has to work through. No amount of premarital sex prepares you for the post-baby sexual slump.

One could also be caught by surprise by increased drive during the fertile period. Like I said, things change. While women are typically inclined to see more pronounced swings in their desire, these kinds of things can happen with men too. Illness, injury, whether or not one is in shape and hormonal changes as one ages can affect men’s drive as well.

It’s absolutely pointless to assume that the drive each spouse going into a marriage is the same that they will have even 5-10 years down the line, much less 30 years later.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If you don’t have sexual relations before marriage, how will you know if you are sexually compatible? Don’t get me wrong, I am not for premarital relations. There are indeed some couples who suffer because one of them wants sex 5 times a week, while the other is happy enough once a month–or even once a season! Someone reading this very post might be having that very struggle.

I suppose my answer would be, “Just because you’re having great sex before marriage, there is no guarantee it is going to stay that way. Some people enjoy sex before marriage because it’s forbidden, then after they get married that drive wanes. For others, after having children, hormone levels might change which might result in a lower interest.”

What do you think? For example, have you known anyone who had lots of premarital sex, then after marrying that person, now has a poor sex life?

Or, is there a benefit to finding out how your partner’s libido is before marriage?

I would say that if Tab A fits into Slot B, then you’re sexually compatible. In other words, if one is male and one is female, it’s all gonna work out fine.

Having sex before marriage hurts the relationship and your chances of staying together are lower. You see, sex before marriage is not committed love, but based on lust. Lust is a destroyer of relationships. Love is based on respect for the other person and for oneself. If one doesn’t respect oneself enough to stay chaste, then why should the other person have more respect for you than you do yourself? There can be no respect when you start out with none.

 

[Lady_Love]

I had pre-marital sex in many relationships when I was younger and every one of those relationships ended in heartbreak. The only relationship that has lasted for me, I am married now, is the only person I did not have sex with before we were married.

In all my previous relationships there was a huge emphasis on sex and very little on commitment. Sex could not keep the relationships together, it just wasn’t enough to make them last. So, I smartened up and waited until I got the commitment that I wanted. This way, I knew that the relationship had more holding it together than the sex! I used to think sex was everything until I had a relationship with everything BUT sex. Now, I think to myself, “Why did I place so much importance on sex?” My husband and I spend most of our time together, we enjoy each other, and probably spend a maximum of an hour a week having sex, and from what I understand that is more than most couples spend having sex that are married.

What would be the point of marrying someone you have great sexual chemistry with but in all other areas of your life leaves you wanting? For example: Doesn’t talk, doesn’t work, doesn’t share your beliefs, doesn’t share your vision for life, doesn’t have similar priorities, and who’s personality is irksome, who doesn’t help with chores or the children.

Plus, You can always make the sex good with practice.

 

[chevalier]

If you don’t have sexual relations before marriage, how will you know if you are sexually compatible? Don’t get me wrong, I am not for premarital relations. There are indeed some couples who suffer because one of them wants sex 5 times a week, while the other is happy enough once a month–or even once a season! Someone reading this very post might be having that very struggle.

I suppose my answer would be, “Just because you’re having great sex before marriage, there is no guarantee it is going to stay that way. Some people enjoy sex before marriage because it’s forbidden, then after they get married that drive wanes. For others, after having children, hormone levels might change which might result in a lower interest.”

What do you think? For example, have you known anyone who had lots of premarital sex, then after marrying that person, now has a poor sex life?

Or, is there a benefit to finding out how your partner’s libido is before marriage?

Here’s what I believe you need to know:

1. If both of you are actually interested in being married (not marrying, being married for dozens of years ahead).
2. If none of you looks at “those matters” as something to be there for a while and the disappear (which is probably fine if you both think like that, just not when only one of you thinks so, but the other does not).
3. If you really are attractive to each other, i.e. none of you is settling for some non-attractive or barely attractive just to avoid being lonely or out of guilt or loyalty or some other motivation.
4. If you can communicate and are ready to do it. Needs and preferences generally need to be talked about, and expecting either party to make guesses about the other is kinda childish.
   (These days people generally can’t communicate. Egoism, one-sidedness, lack of communication skills are a problem.)
5. Last but not least, there is more to compatibility than mutual attractiveness. Compatibility is in the brain, by the way.

If two people are really committed to and care for each other and have a modicum of communication skills, then I don’t see how they could be “incompatible”.

This said, it’s a good idea to get a good view of how the other person sees marriage and the role of a spouse. For some people the relationship is more total, for others it’s limited. Not everybody has the same type or intensity of emotional needs, or the same sources of meeting them (e.g. friends rather than spouse). Priority given to a spouse or a spouse’s feelings or opinions also varies. Psychologists note a problem with friends outranking spouses in importance or at least the level of investment one makes in the relationship (investing in friends but taking the spouse for granted). Some people are also mostly after the kids, or the kids and house and car and mortgage but not really any sort of close relationship (physically, emotionally or otherwise). This all is much more important than the whole talk about sexual compatibility. There’s not gonna be any compatibility simply because there’s not gonna be much of a relationship when you’re someone who’s after cloness, warmth, comaraderie, intellectual sparks and whatever, while the other person just wants the status of married, or economic security, or to focus exclusively on children, whatever. I’m really scared to marry, myself, for this reason.

 

[LoveJesus13]

I had pre-marital sex in many relationships when I was younger and every one of those relationships ended in heartbreak. The only relationship that has lasted for me, I am married now, is the only person I did not have sex with before we were married.

In all my previous relationships there was a** huge emphasis on sex and very little on commitment. Sex could not keep the relationships together, it just wasn’t enough to make them last. ** So, I smartened up and waited until I got the commitment that I wanted. This way, I knew that the relationship had more holding it together than the sex! I used to think sex was everything until I had a relationship with everything BUT sex. Now, I think to myself, “Why did I place so much importance on sex?” My husband and I spend most of our time together, we enjoy each other, and probably spend a maximum of an hour a week having sex, and from what I understand that is more than most couples spend having sex that are married.

What would be the point of marrying someone you have great sexual chemistry with but in all other areas of your life leaves you wanting? For example: ** Doesn’t talk, doesn’t work, doesn’t share your beliefs, doesn’t share your vision for life, doesn’t have similar priorities, and who’s personality is irksome, who doesn’t help with chores or the children.**

Plus, You can always make the sex good with practice.

Great post Lady Love, thank you for such an honest response. Your post was encouraging- if you were able to NOT have sex before marriage and now you are happily married to your husband who has committed to you then there is hope that this way, being chaste DOES work. Did you both also keep God in the center of your courtship by serving and praying? I think this too is important.

It is very true, sex is NOT everything in a rel./marriage. The sexual compatibility will eventually come but before that you should build a strong foundation by communicating, sharing same goals, have same priorities and enjoying each others company. Of course there will be kissing, physical affection, and I do agree that discussing what one desires is imperative during courtship but one does not need to engage in sexual relations to determine sexual compatibility.

~All things work for the good of the those who love and serve God.

 

[palomsiks]

Before I married, my mum also went on and on about how not having pre-marital sex is “bad”, since you do not know if you are compatible etc. She claimed not have been fully compatible with my dad physically and so on.

My then to-be husband confessed to me that he is small, so there could more be issue of me not being fully satisfied in our sex life.

In regard to both of those issues, there were no doubts when I asked myself - what would it change, if I knew how compatible we are? Would it change my mind of marrying him? Of course, sex is important part of the marriage, but I just could not picture leaving this man just because of sexual issues and going for the search of another one just for the greater pleasure.

I would say it is more complex and also more important to be compatible in communication/virtues/beliefs etc.

 

[manualman]

But, let’s not downplay the importance of sexual compatibility; doing so is a slap in the face to everyone who comes on to this site (and everyone who doesn’t) distraught because their spouse hardly ever wants sex, or wants sex all the time. Or the people who are far more adventurous than their spouse, or far less adventurous.

Sometimes people need a good shock in order to snap out of the hypnosis they are living under. We live in a culture deluged by the message that sexual intimacy is the heart of a relationship. Guess what? It isn’t. WHACK.

No catholic has any business ruling out a potential spouse due to a difference in libido. You’re an idiot if you let go an otherwise wonderful potential spouse over that issue alone (which is why God designed us without a need to know it ahead of time). Of all the things you need to know ahead of time, this simply doesn’t rank on the list. Can it make for some trials? Sure can. But they’re tiny in comparison to the other trials of marriage lurking out there.

Explicit reference warning!
In regards to the size issue referred to by another poster, I must express some surprise and wonder if the issue isn’t one of absolute size incompatibility, but one of lack of sensitivity on the part of the male in question. Let’s face it, no guy has anything like the size of the baby that routinely passes through that part of the woman’s anatomy. Yeah, that’s different, but the point is precisely that this part of a woman’s body is highly adaptable. I’m guessing he wasn’t the patient, loving sort willing to get her going first and go easy using some lubricant assistance? If I remember my anatomy right, the proper approach prepares the cervix so it isn’t in the way and the guy can then be a freak of nature and not hurt anything… Maybe TMI… In any event, improper attention to the woman’s needs is not a physical compatibility issue, that’s just a guy who’s a jerk. You don’t have to sleep with him to figure that out.

 

[chevalier]

No catholic has any business ruling out a potential spouse due to a difference in libido.

I know where you got that from, and I mostly agree. I will be difficult, but someone whom it mostly, ‘pleases to be continent,’ can live with someone who, ‘has a healthy appetite,’ although it won’t be easy. But if you pair someone with a pathological yearning with someone with a pathological aversion, then that’s really a huge risk IMHO. I wouldn’t go there myself.

It doesn’t even come down to who would want what and how often, as in just the frequency alone and that’s it, which would be manageable. More like, those with a high libido may feel neglected and scorned when their desires aren’t shared equally by their spouses, while those with a low libido may feel objectified, humiliated etc. when faced with all that interest not in them per se but in having a physiological need met. Some people don’t mind and don’t take it that way, others are crushed.

Obviously, there is no need to fornicate to find out, just in case someone gets the wrong idea. Any such difference will likely manifest itself quite early anyway, will be evident from conversations etc.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

How would you know if you are sexually compatible?

I suppose you could measure.

 

[Falco]

Explicit reference warning!
In regards to the size issue referred to by another poster, I must express some surprise and wonder if the issue isn’t one of absolute size incompatibility, but one of lack of sensitivity on the part of the male in question. Let’s face it, no guy has anything like the size of the baby that routinely passes through that part of the woman’s anatomy. Yeah, that’s different, but the point is precisely that this part of a woman’s body is highly adaptable. I’m guessing he wasn’t the patient, loving sort willing to get her going first and go easy using some lubricant assistance? If I remember my anatomy right, the proper approach prepares the cervix so it isn’t in the way and the guy can then be a freak of nature and not hurt anything… Maybe TMI… In any event, improper attention to the woman’s needs is not a physical compatibility issue, that’s just a guy who’s a jerk. You don’t have to sleep with him to figure that out.

Ouch! Ask any woman if she’d equate having sex with childbirth, and you’ll get your ears boxed. NO woman would disagree that her body is prepared hormonally to deliver a baby, but that process is darned painful and takes a couple of months to recover from.

A woman’s body is not a machine that any accomplished male can prepare for use. If the chemistry is wrong, no amount of ‘preparation’ by a man can get a woman ready for sex. It is in her head.