How would you know if you are sexually compatible?

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If you don’t have sexual relations before marriage, how will you know if you are sexually compatible?
You don’t. But then again, marriage isn’t all about sex, and the sex within marriage will change over time.

Most people are sexually compatible. Others have mentioned that you’ll get an idea of the person’s libido after knowing them for a while. The only thing I would recommend is proceeding with caution if the person had or has an type of mental illness or has been abused sexually. Those issues can severely affect one one’s ability to have sex or even properly form relationships. Otherwise, get married and have fun. 🙂
 
Not really nonsense when one considers it was brought up as an argument to the original question. Also, I’m gonna lose the show and tell, considering I’m female.
hahahahahahaahahahaahahahahahahahahahaahhahahah
Good one.....
 
Pfff… who cares? Sex takes up all of five minutes to an hour of your day - maybe even your week. What are you going to do with the other 23 to 167 hours?

Marriage is about ALL of life. It’s about sharing the bills, bearing the children, raising the children, being a good example to the children, keeping the house in order, fighting the world together.

Sex is a really small part of that. In fact, with adoption, it is almost unnecessary. Almost.

So if you’re perfect before your wedding night, sex should be of almost no consequence.If you can’t have it, you just don’t have it. Or, you figure out what the problem is so you can. But it’s far from a deal breaker.
 
Pfff… who cares? Sex takes up all of five minutes to an hour of your day - maybe even your week. What are you going to do with the other 23 to 167 hours?

Marriage is about ALL of life. It’s about sharing the bills, bearing the children, raising the children, being a good example to the children, keeping the house in order, fighting the world together.

Sex is a really small part of that. In fact, with adoption, it is almost unnecessary. Almost.

So if you’re perfect before your wedding night, sex should be of almost no consequence.If you can’t have it, you just don’t have it. Or, you figure out what the problem is so you can. But it’s far from a deal breaker.
I actually disagree with this thinking that sex is “no big deal” in a marriage. This is not what the Church teaches.

I definitely don’t advocate fornication, but I think it’s important to work together to have a good sex life once you are married.

However, having different libidos really shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Not because sex isn’t a big deal (it is), but because it should be handled like everything else in marriage when a disagreement comes up… you both learn to compromise and sacrifice to reach a happy medium.
 
Pfff… who cares? Sex takes up all of five minutes to an hour of your day - maybe even your week. What are you going to do with the other 23 to 167 hours?

Marriage is about ALL of life. It’s about sharing the bills, bearing the children, raising the children, being a good example to the children, keeping the house in order, fighting the world together.

Sex is a really small part of that. In fact, with adoption, it is almost unnecessary. Almost.

So if you’re perfect before your wedding night, sex should be of almost no consequence.If you can’t have it, you just don’t have it. Or, you figure out what the problem is so you can. But it’s far from a deal breaker.
I’m pretty sure a lot of people care, at least they care more than you.

Your 1/167 hours a week is faulty. I thought about listing how I spend my time but it is even simpler than that. I have a preteen child in the house so we are limited at when and how we can spend time enjoying each other. Therefore, a very liberal estimate of the time we could spend in such activities drops to 2 hours a night or 14 hours a week. Your mark of 1 hour becomes 1/14.

Even at the ages of 52 and 53, we would be less than thrilled with only an hour a week. A conservative average would be 1.5 hours a week making it 1.5/14 making it more than 10% of the time that it is even possible.

According to the Catholic Church, marriage is a Sacrament and these acts are a very important part of this. Apart from that, sex is enjoyable. If God had not made it so, would the human race still be around. He made it such a part of our bodies that it actually physically becomes a need that must be satisfied.

I’m rather certain that unhappiness with the sexual part of marriage has been a contributing factor in many instances of cheating and many instances of divorce. I’m not condoning such but I do see the reality of it.

My niece, who grew up as a chaste and spiritual young lady married at the age of 25. She divorced three years later. My brother, her father, told me that the reason for the divorce was that over the period of three years, this young ladies husband had only wanted to have relations 10 times. I have no idea what effort she made to improve and increase the frequency of that part of her marriage and frankly I don’t want or need to know. As dedicated as I am to my marriage and my wife, I have no idea what I would have done if faced with the same situation.

Any children that could be adopted would be the product of sexual relations so saying that one could have kids without sex is nonsense. Even beyond the production of children, sex is a very important part of the Sacrament of marriage for most.

Taking another look at your argument, I’m not sure that you’re not being facetious. If you’re not, then you are unusual in possibly a way that wouldn’t be good for most.
 
If you don’t have sexual relations before marriage, how will you know if you are sexually compatible? Don’t get me wrong, I am not for premarital relations. There are indeed some couples who suffer because one of them wants sex 5 times a week, while the other is happy enough once a month–or even once a season! Someone reading this very post might be having that very struggle.

I suppose my answer would be, “Just because you’re having great sex before marriage, there is no guarantee it is going to stay that way. Some people enjoy sex before marriage because it’s forbidden, then after they get married that drive wanes. For others, after having children, hormone levels might change which might result in a lower interest.”

What do you think? For example, have you known anyone who had lots of premarital sex, then after marrying that person, now has a poor sex life?

Or, is there a benefit to finding out how your partner’s libido is before marriage?
“Sexual compatibility” in my experience is an excuse people make up to fornicate. It’s not rocket science. Boys have one organ, girls have another, and they fit together. That’s about the extent of sexual compatibility that you need to be concerned with.

The questions you raise re: differences in sex drive are legitimate. Couples should discuss them before getting married, especially because sex is so basic to human flourishing in the context of marriage. In some ways these problems are kind of impossible to anticipate effectively, especially if one or both partners are virgins. What marriage requires, really, is a self-sacrificial willingness to love and serve one’s spouse regardless of the inconvenience it imposes on oneself. Knowing that your partner will be that way is a good thing to know before committing to marry them.
 
“Sexual compatibility” in my experience is an excuse people make up to fornicate. It’s not rocket science. Boys have one organ, girls have another, and they fit together. That’s about the extent of sexual compatibility that you need to be concerned with.

The questions you raise re: differences in sex drive are legitimate. Couples should discuss them before getting married, especially because sex is so basic to human flourishing in the context of marriage. In some ways these problems are kind of impossible to anticipate effectively, especially if one or both partners are virgins. What marriage requires, really, is a self-sacrificial willingness to love and serve one’s spouse regardless of the inconvenience it imposes on oneself. Knowing that your partner will be that way is a good thing to know before committing to marry them.
I don’t usually agree with a lot of things you post sometimes, but this right here is a fantastic post! Well said!! 👍👍👍
 
And a size issue wouldn’t impede intercourse?
I don’t think I could explain things better than sw85:
It’s not rocket science. Boys have one organ, girls have another, and they fit together. That’s about the extent of sexual compatibility that you need to be concerned with.

What marriage requires, really, is a self-sacrificial willingness to love and serve one’s spouse regardless of the inconvenience it imposes on oneself. Knowing that your partner will be that way is a good thing to know before committing to marry them.
 
I don’t think I could explain things better than sw85:
No, intercourse is not everything in a marriage. However, we do know for a fact that there are rare cases where two people do not “fit” together because of size. Personally, I think during dating you should assume that this won’t be an issue, but I also think it shouldn’t be discounted that very rarely two people are actually physically unable to complete the act due to a size issue.
 
No, intercourse is not everything in a marriage. However, we do know for a fact that there are rare cases where two people do not “fit” together because of size. Personally, I think during dating you should assume that this won’t be an issue, but I also think it shouldn’t be discounted that very rarely two people are actually physically unable to complete the act due to a size issue.
This is an interesting thread… so what is the answer to this? When it comes to size incompatibility, how would you go about it if you haven’t had sex? I’m not for premarital sex either but it poses a question and I have heard of couples who’ve engaged in premarital sex who do not “fit” correctly like one poster said and it never works out. So for those who are waiting until marriage, seeing that you are different in size, how would you know if you will later be sexually compatible, other than to pray about it of course?
 
This is an interesting thread… so what is the answer to this? When it comes to size incompatibility, how would you go about it if you haven’t had sex? I’m not for premarital sex either but it poses a question and I have heard of couples who’ve engaged in premarital sex who do not “fit” correctly like one poster said and it never works out. So for those who are waiting until marriage, seeing that you are different in size, how would you know if you will later be sexually compatible, other than to pray about it of course?
I would assume that an inability to consummate the marriage, allows the rare couple that this happens to to have their marriage dissolved.
 
I respect that a lot of people feel that you should wait until marriage. I wouldn’t make that choice for myself or recommend that anyone else do it, but I don’t think that a marriage is necessarily harmed by waiting. But, let’s not downplay the importance of sexual compatibility; doing so is a slap in the face to everyone who comes on to this site (and everyone who doesn’t) distraught because their spouse hardly ever wants sex, or wants sex all the time. Or the people who are far more adventurous than their spouse, or far less adventurous. If a couple is going to wait then they have to talk about it. And because it’s unlikely that they’ll know exactly what they want or how much, they especially need to talk about what they will do if they are not sexually compatible, such as counseling.
 
You can never engage in sex and still know what your sex drive is. But keep in mind that these are just points in time. What one person’s drive is today is not what it will be a few years down the road. So I agree with folks who say the “test drive” theory is really an excuse.

How my car behaves on the test drive is no guarantee for how it will behave ten years from now.

People change over the years. Interests come and go. Energy is high when you are young, can get sapped by young children, could rebound in middle age and always deteriorates as one hits the latter stages of life. Who knows?! Maybe an illness will destroy the ability to have relations. Maybe there’s a preexisting hormonal condition that will be fixed some years into a marriage and result in a spike in sexual interest down the line.

There are no guarantees. That’s why eros is far less important to a marriage than agape. It’s still pretty necessary if you want to have children or at least make the attempt, but it can’t be the focal point of a relationship.

In my experience… well let me just say that if we were species that reproduced by pollination, we’d have had a dozen kids in our 15 months of courtship. Basically everyone could see that we loved each other deeply and that things were going to get a little crazy come the wedding night.

Honestly, given the sheer chemistry we had, I actually had high expectations for the wedding night. They were exceeded. Events, health concerns and kids have resulted in fluctuations in this part of our life. But I’ll just say that when it’s on, it is on.
 
Before the celebration of wedding, each engaged person has to explain to the other its own view, in all honesty, on:

The moral issues of the marital act; the spiritual issues of the marital act; the religious issues of the marital act; the cultural issues of the marital act; the physical issues of the marital act; the mental issues of the marital act; the psychological issues of the marital act; the physiological issues of the marital act; the sexual issues of the marital act; the sexual needs, the sexual desires, the sexual hopes, the sexual expectations, the sexual wishes, the sexual wills, the sexual vows, the sexual ideals, the sexual intentions, the sexual mentalities, the sexual beliefs, the sexual diseases, the sexual culture, the sexual education, the almost non negociable sexual things (in positive and in negative) and the sexual fears concerning the marital act;

The right to the body, the right on the body, the right of the body, the conjugal sexual debt, the conjugal sexual right, the conjugal sexual obligation; the conjugal sexual duty; the mutual and reciprocal donation of bodies ; the mutual and reciprocal donation of nudities ; The conjugal sexual cooperation in the human fashion ; the mutual and reciprocal submission concerning the conjugal sexuality ; the sexual equality and the sexual equity of each spouse about the marital act, the total lack of superiority and of inferiority between spouses about the marital act ;

The “Quis”, the person who realizes the marital act (who); The “Quibus auxiliis”, the means used or employed for the marital act; The “Quid”, the act that the person has made (what, the sexual object of contract and of the institution with corollaries, sexual union of bodies, before, during and after); The “Ubi”, the place where the person has made the marital act (where with all corollaries); The"Quando", the time when the person has made the marital act (when with all corollaries); The “Quomodo”, the manner which the person has made the act (how with all corollaries in the human fashion with sexual cooperation); The “Cur”, the motives that have motivated the person to perform the act (what for with all corollaries); The “Circa quid”, the matter (the material, the sexed and sexual body of the other) on which the person has acted; Where? When? Why? What for? In which intention? How many times? How often ? How fast? How? Which manner ?

Prayers, the communication, the talks, some discussions, some information are useful, are helpful, are natural, are normal before the marriage.
 
I respect that a lot of people feel that you should wait until marriage. I wouldn’t make that choice for myself or recommend that anyone else do it, but I don’t think that a marriage is necessarily harmed by waiting. But, let’s not downplay the importance of sexual compatibility; doing so is a slap in the face to everyone who comes on to this site (and everyone who doesn’t) distraught because their spouse hardly ever wants sex, or wants sex all the time. Or the people who are far more adventurous than their spouse, or far less adventurous. If a couple is going to wait then they have to talk about it. And because it’s unlikely that they’ll know exactly what they want or how much, they especially need to talk about what they will do if they are not sexually compatible, such as counseling.
People look at sexual compatibility as if it were constant, not a variable. I have known couples who got married because they thought they were compatible with each other because of their premarital sexual experiences. Guess what, people do grow and change and these same couples who thought they were sexually compatible were no longer compatible. They are now divorced.

Of course sexual compatibility is important but it is something to be worked out within the confines of marriage. It involves couples learning about each other and willing to work and grow with each other, as in all other aspects of their married lives. People are not cars that you test drive before you pick the compatible one.

But I am single so what the hell do I know? 🤷
 
The marital sexual charity is a right, is an obligation and is a duty for each one of members of couple: to do, not to do, to allow to do, not to allow to do, to allow not to do, to give, not to give, to allow to give, not to allow to give, to allow not to give, to receive, not to receive, to allow to receive, not to allow to receive, to allow not to receive, to take, not to take, to allow to take, not to allow to take, to allow not to take, to offer, not to offer, to allow to offer, not to allow to offer, to allow not to offer.

Honestly, before the wedding, each one is almost able to evaluate its own sex drive. Of course, it is not an exact science, but a good evaluation is probable and possible: a reasonnable understanding of its average libido is not impossible.* A chaste engaged couple does not have to be naive about the nature of marriage: a sexed and sexual contract. If him and her are “innocent”, “naive” or full “shame” about this topic, in my opinion, it is very sad and it is imprudent. The naivety is not the virginity. In my opinion, each one should explain to the other everything about sexual expectations of the marital act.*

The conjugal sexuality is a learning, day by day, and implies sexual efforts and some sexual sacrifices.

The communication, the talks, information, the discussion, the prayers, the trust, the sexual sacrifices, the sexual efforts are the keys.
 
What about the original poster of this thread? No message coming from him. Many messages without reaction!!!

How often are there any lacks of reactions coming from the Original Poster, on the C.A.F. Is it usual??
 
If you don’t have sexual relations before marriage, how will you know if you are sexually compatible? Don’t get me wrong, I am not for premarital relations. There are indeed some couples who suffer because one of them wants sex 5 times a week, while the other is happy enough once a month–or even once a season! Someone reading this very post might be having that very struggle.

I suppose my answer would be, “Just because you’re having great sex before marriage, there is no guarantee it is going to stay that way. Some people enjoy sex before marriage because it’s forbidden, then after they get married that drive wanes. For others, after having children, hormone levels might change which might result in a lower interest.”

What do you think? For example, have you known anyone who had lots of premarital sex, then after marrying that person, now has a poor sex life?

Or, is there a benefit to finding out how your partner’s libido is before marriage?
Each woman, each man and each couple is different. The conjugal sexual adjustments are normal, important and necessary. Each one is called to make efforts and sacrifices on this matter, in positive and/or in negative: to act or not to act.

The marital sex is a teaching and a learning between husband and wife, it can take time or long time. After years each couple can find out the deep conjugal sexual harmony.

During the marriage, the sex drive, the libido, the sexual needs, the sexual fears, the sexual expectations, the sexual wishes, the sexual desires, the sexual wills, the sexual issues…etc can change in different ways. The conjugal charity is the key for finding conjugal personnal solutions in function of each moment.
 
Sex drives need to be discussed ahead of time, very frankly. A seriously mismatched drive can destroy a relationship, for sure. Unfortunately, that mismatched drive often comes after the marriage, after the first baby, when wife’s hormones are telling her it’s pointless to have intercourse because she’s not fertile and fatigue and babyworld keep her from feeling energetic and sexy.

It’s just something the couple has to work through. No amount of premarital sex prepares you for the post-baby sexual slump.
 
If you don’t have sexual relations before marriage, how will you know if you are sexually compatible? Don’t get me wrong, I am not for premarital relations. There are indeed some couples who suffer because one of them wants sex 5 times a week, while the other is happy enough once a month–or even once a season! Someone reading this very post might be having that very struggle.

I suppose my answer would be, “Just because you’re having great sex before marriage, there is no guarantee it is going to stay that way. Some people enjoy sex before marriage because it’s forbidden, then after they get married that drive wanes. For others, after having children, hormone levels might change which might result in a lower interest.”

What do you think? For example, have you known anyone who had lots of premarital sex, then after marrying that person, now has a poor sex life?

Or, is there a benefit to finding out how your partner’s libido is before marriage?
The argument for having premarital sex because of “sexual compatibility” is bogus. Sex is something that you work on together like everything else in a marriage. The argument for “sexual compatibility” by non-Christians often goes along the lines of “what if I have a weird fetish and my spouse doesn’t like it?” That is a selfish reason if I have ever heard of one, not to mention disordered. The bottom line: if you like kissing someone, you’ll like doing other things. If your spouse has a higher drive, adjust yours so that you meet in the middle (compromise like everything else). Communication and love applies to this aspect to the marriage just like every other aspect, and to isolate this aspect as some magical quality that a person has that you will judge to be a “dealbreaker” is ridiculous and immature.
 
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