Hubby messaging another woman. I need advice please!

[Ray_Scheel]

But is seemed the OP’s husband had a private, personal page. Not necessarily used for posting family pics or staying in touch with friends & family, as evidenced by messaging other women from his login.

Again, there is no inclination that he was using his MySpace page to initiate contact of that sort. Further, the only example we have of his reaction when contacted by a (singular) woman was to - quite properly - brush her off. And as others have pointed out, a person can be contacted even if a page is marked as private. Insinuating he was contacting “other women” seems to be casting his behavior in a much more negative light than what the facts revealed by the OP suggest.

The only inappropriate behavior described that was directly related to the MySpace activity was by the “other woman” for hitting on a married man in the first place and then trying to disrupt his home life when he reacted exactly as he should have. As far as I can tell, no one seems to be disputing that the most obvious reading of the husband’s only known contact with the singular “other woman” was a textbook perfect “Don’t call me, I’ll call you” brushoff, but rather that some are claiming he was somehow at fault that this other woman contacted him out of the blue and on her own initiative.

I’m looking for clarification from all of the posters who have criticized how the husband handled the contact by the other woman. Keeping in mind that the “other woman” had contacted the OP about this before her husband had gotten home on the same day he’d brushed her off (and that he’s apparently only checking/replying to his MySpace account once every couple of weeks - check the timestamps in the OP): What would those of you criticizing the husband’s actions have had him do differently (prior to the point where the OP started reacting to the troublemaker’s message)? Would you seriously insist your spouse drop everything to contact you immediately every time someone initiates contact with them in a way that seems like the other person might be making a pass?

 

[foxc1]

Again, there is no inclination that he was using his MySpace page to initiate contact of that sort. Further, the only example we have of his reaction when contacted by a (singular) woman was to - quite properly - brush her off. And as others have pointed out, a person can be contacted even if a page is marked as private. Insinuating he was contacting “other women” seems to be casting his behavior in a much more negative light than what the facts revealed by the OP suggest.

The only inappropriate behavior described that was directly related to the MySpace activity was by the “other woman” for hitting on a married man in the first place and then trying to disrupt his home life when he reacted exactly as he should have. As far as I can tell, no one seems to be disputing that the most obvious reading of the husband’s only known contact with the singular “other woman” was a textbook perfect “Don’t call me, I’ll call you” brushoff, but rather that some are claiming he was somehow at fault that this other woman contacted him out of the blue and on her own initiative.

I’m looking for clarification from all of the posters who have criticized how the husband handled the contact by the other woman. Keeping in mind that the “other woman” had contacted the OP about this before her husband had gotten home on the same day he’d brushed her off (and that he’s apparently only checking/replying to his MySpace account once every couple of weeks - check the timestamps in the OP): What would those of you criticizing the husband’s actions have had him do differently (prior to the point where the OP started reacting to the troublemaker’s message)? Would you seriously insist your spouse drop everything to contact you immediately every time someone initiates contact with them in a way that seems like the other person might be making a pass?

So do you think i over reacted? do you think he did the correct thing by sending her that message? i’m not trying to sound as if i’m questioning your response, i’m only saying this because after reading your comment it makes me think that maybe i over reacted but then again, he did tell he she was sexy and “i may call you”. those things threw me off, they weren’t necessary. if would have kept those 2 things out of the message, it would have been the perfect “i’m happily married, leave me alone” blow in the face. why would he tell her “you’re sexy too” & “i may call you to say hi, i don’t know” ???

just thinking about that makes me mad again.

 

[Nechasin]

I’m looking for clarification from all of the posters who have criticized how the husband handled the contact by the other woman.

I see three problems with his reply, although I do think it was done with the right intentions.

First, why even reply at all? Just block the account and move on. This wasn’t someone in his face so there really wasn’t a need for a brush-off

Second, Why call her sexy? No need to placate her feelings for this unsolicted contact.

Third, Why say he might call her? Again, there is no need for a brush-off.

Call me rude or whatever, but interactions online are not the same as interactions in person. He didn’t need to brush-off with words, he could have just ignored her.

 

[chevalier]

As far as I can tell, no one seems to be disputing that the most obvious reading of the husband’s only known contact with the singular “other woman” was a textbook perfect “Don’t call me, I’ll call you” brushoff,

The problem with that brush-off is that it includes either an objective falsehood or a not so prudent promise. I would suggest not using it since it’s not very great to say you will do something which you don’t intend to do. The matter is whether it was such a brush-off or there was any intent of actually calling, which I don’t find likely. I do find some ambiguities, but I think benefit of doubt is not a far stretch here.

but rather that some are claiming he was somehow at fault that this other woman contacted him out of the blue and on her own initiative.

Yup, the lawyer in me is beeping. One’s not responsible for what other people do, but for what he does.

I’m looking for clarification from all of the posters who have criticized how the husband handled the contact by the other woman. Keeping in mind that the “other woman” had contacted the OP about this before her husband had gotten home on the same day he’d brushed her off (and that he’s apparently only checking/replying to his MySpace account once every couple of weeks - check the timestamps in the OP): What would those of you criticizing the husband’s actions have had him do differently (prior to the point where the OP started reacting to the troublemaker’s message)? Would you seriously insist your spouse drop everything to contact you immediately every time someone initiates contact with them in a way that seems like the other person might be making a pass?

To the last question the answer is no. As for what I would do differently, well, I would indeed act differently. However, he is he and not I. If he was doing his best, then he can hardly be required more. For the future, perhaps, Fox, perhaps you should ask him not to call other women sexy and not to tell them he will phone them.

 

[Nechasin]

So do you think i over reacted? do you think he did the correct thing by sending her that message? i’m not trying to sound as if i’m questioning your response, i’m only saying this because after reading your comment it makes me think that maybe i over reacted

I think you overreacted, but I think it is understandable that you overreacted due to my reasons stated above. Unless you have other reasons for the lack of trust, I think you should have given your spouse the benefit of the doubt and talked to him about before getting upset. His calling the other woman sexy would be a red flag, but the other things that he says in the email should have allayed some of your fears. If he hadn’t mentioned that he was married, then you fears would have been much more justified.

 

[foxc1]

For the future, perhaps, Fox, perhaps you should ask him not to call other women sexy and not to tell them he will phone them.

ohh i sure did. just a little note, i edited my previous response adn added this

but then again, he did tell he she was sexy and “i may call you”. those things threw me off, they weren’t necessary. if would have kept those 2 things out of the message, it would have been the perfect “i’m happily married, leave me alone” blow in the face. why would he tell her “you’re sexy too” & “i may call you to say hi, i don’t know” ???

just thinking about that makes me mad again.

calling another woman sexy and telling her he’d call her is exactly what made me angry and I asked him why he said that to her but he said he really didn’t know what to say so he just wrote that. why not just block her???

 

[chevalier]

ohh i sure did. just a little note, i edited my previous response adn added this
calling another woman sexy and telling her he’d call her is exactly what made me angry and I asked him why he said that to her but he said he really didn’t know what to say so he just wrote that. why not just block her???

Maybe he really didn’t know what to say and he didn’t want to be rude, either. Perhaps he doesn’t take “sexy” on the same level you do. Generally, the root is “sex”, so he should understand why you don’t want it to apply to other women, and I think he will. As for telling her he would call, well, people say various stupid things when brushing others off. I’ve got tons of that kind of stuff from girls, so I know it’s meaningless. Perhaps try not to judge him and not get too deep into what he did, in what state of mind, with what intent etc since you can’t possibly discover it all anyway. Just tell him what hurt you, what you ask him not to do in the future and, well, what he did right. Sure, it was duty and all, but it doesn’t hurt to commend him for blocking that woman and telling her he was happily married. It would be awful for him to feel like he got in trouble for what she did rather than what he did.

 

[foxc1]

Maybe he really didn’t know what to say and he didn’t want to be rude, either. Perhaps he doesn’t take “sexy” on the same level you do. Generally, the root is “sex”, so he should understand why you don’t want it to apply to other women, and I think he will. As for telling her he would call, well, people say various stupid things when brushing others off. I’ve got tons of that kind of stuff from girls, so I know it’s meaningless. Perhaps try not to judge him and not get too deep into what he did, in what state of mind, with what intent etc since you can’t possibly discover it all anyway. Just tell him what hurt you, what you ask him not to do in the future and, well, what he did right. Sure, it was duty and all, but it doesn’t hurt to commend him for blocking that woman and telling her he was happily married. It would be awful for him to feel like he got in trouble for what she did rather than what he did.

this is why i think i have to confess and also think i have to apologize to him for having reacted in that manner. i didn’t cuss him or yell at him when he finally got home that night, but the fact that i called him, left a voicemail and texted him telling him i hated him makes me feel horrible. should i apologize?

 

[chevalier]

this is why i think i have to confess and also think i have to apologize to him for having reacted in that manner. i didn’t cuss him or yell at him when he finally got home that night, but the fact that i called him, left a voicemail and texted him telling him i hated him makes me feel horrible. should i apologize?

For saying you hated him, I would. You’ve already told him you loved him, but I would take the “hate” back and apologise. I think you need a hug from each other right now. The situation has become awful, while each of you loves the other and is happy in the marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think we should avoid near occasions of sin. If myspace can cloud a person’s judgement…and lead someone to potentially sinning…wouldn’t it be better to avoid it? I agree that one can make a mountain out of a mole hill…but, I think that if myspace is leading to more conflict than good…one should not choose it over his/her marriage. I can see families using it…not married people, using it to chat with strangers, personally…it’s not necessary in a marriage.

 

[Ray_Scheel]

So do you think i over reacted? do you think he did the correct thing by sending her that message? i’m not trying to sound as if i’m questioning your response, i’m only saying this because after reading your comment it makes me think that maybe i over reacted but then again, he did tell he she was sexy and “i may call you”. those things threw me off, they weren’t necessary. if would have kept those 2 things out of the message, it would have been the perfect “i’m happily married, leave me alone” blow in the face. why would he tell her “you’re sexy too” & “i may call you to say hi, i don’t know” ???

just thinking about that makes me mad again.

I think you did overreact a bit, but you were provoked and have your hormones all out of whack, so I’m giving you a pass, so to speak. Though you were initially met with a series of short and reassuring messages, as the thread went on there was a not insignificant number of responses encouraging you to presume the worst while not doing a very good job of balancing against what you’d revealed of the situation but rather paying more heed to how other posters had read the situation and expanded from there, where that kind of response wasn’t helpful to you at all, but rather just aggravated the fears that female had deliberately tried to provoke. What I’m more concerned about now are the responses that continued to suggest you should be presuming the worst or maintain an ongoing lack of trust even after you were generally satisfied and were moving on appropriately.

Full disclosure: I was twice falsely accused of infidelity by now-ex twice before she left (long story), when that is totally and completely not something I would do. Both times it cut me to the core, and my struggle to hold our marriage together was not helped at all by the folks that encouraged her to hold me responsible for her coming to that conclusion, using much the same logic I’ve seen here by some posters.

Fact of life 1: Your husband is a guy. As far as how you would prefer to communicate, he is going to blow it, frequently, for some yours to come.

Fact of life 2: Pregnancy has a psych impact on the involved father as well, though not in a way that’s going to initially make sense to the woman bearing the child (if ever) but it is something the guy needs to be able to work through. As the third trimester comes around, he is starting to have his own fears about providing for the family of his that is about to expand. He is not going to seem real sane when dealing with part of that, and the already difficult ask of trying to communicate on the same wavelength is going to become even more difficult when he’s faced with a provision / protect the family issue, especially when the threat is abstract like some random female trying to mess with his wife’s head.

Call me rude or whatever, but interactions online are not the same as interactions in person. He didn’t need to brush-off with words, he could have just ignored her.

Personally, I am not of the mindset that being online is an excuse to be impolite. If anything, good manners are more important because of the lack of other clues available to indicate a general attitude of goodwill (though I admit I sometimes have trouble carrying that out in practice myself).

 

[Leopard]

It’s legit… only people who know his email can get to it…

Don’t be too sure this is legit, then. Every person he has ever sent an e-mail to, and every person they may have forwarded one of his e-mails to may have his address.

 

[Nordar]

For what it is worth I think you really need to just let this go, you really can make this out to be a lot bigger than it is and cause way more problems that are unnecessary. Ray_Scheel nakes a whole lot of sense. You and your husband need to go out and have a nice dinner and a movie or something together.

 

[dulcissima]

Ray_Scheel nakes a whole lot of sense.

I agree.

 

[chevalier]

Personally, I am not of the mindset that being online is an excuse to be impolite. If anything, good manners are more important because of the lack of other clues available to indicate a general attitude of goodwill (though I admit I sometimes have trouble carrying that out in practice myself).

Agreed. It’s still interaction, the medium, however, is different. However, there’s a difference between ignoring a face-to-face speaker and ignoring en e-mail or a private message, since the latter are often close to letters. While I’m not rude online compared to real life, I’ve ignored a couple of messages. Generally, it’s better to reply in short and unambiguous terms, though.

 

[Nechasin]

Agreed. It’s still interaction, the medium, however, is different. However, there’s a difference between ignoring a face-to-face speaker and ignoring en e-mail or a private message, since the latter are often close to letters. While I’m not rude online compared to real life, I’ve ignored a couple of messages. Generally, it’s better to reply in short and unambiguous terms, though.

That is the point that I was trying to make, but didn’t quite come out right.

 

[catechumen08]

this is why i think i have to confess and also think i have to apologize to him for having reacted in that manner. i didn’t cuss him or yell at him when he finally got home that night, but the fact that i called him, left a voicemail and texted him telling him i hated him makes me feel horrible. should i apologize?

Nah, only men apologize! Seriously though, I would say action is louder than words. Notice how your husband reacted when you kissed him and told him that you loved him? Us guys are suckers for that kind of stuff, despite what we say. But do talk to him and work out why you acted the way you did, so that the next time a different conflict arises, you and your husband can handle it better.

 

[yessisan]

Nah, only men apologize! Seriously though, I would say action is louder than words. Notice how your husband reacted when you kissed him and told him that you loved him? Us guys are suckers for that kind of stuff, despite what we say. But do talk to him and work out why you acted the way you did, so that the next time a different conflict arises, you and your husband can handle it better.

This is so true!!! Men are like that… my DH is a sucker for that! And if he sees me cry, he even forgets we’re arguing and goes directly to hug me and kiss me. But I do think the OP should apologize for only seeing those 2 things from the message instead of the entire message. He did tell that woman he was happily married! Or am I the only one who can see that?

 

[rpp]

I have recently read that prostitutes use MySpace and CraigsList to recruit johns. It could be that this person, who may or may not be a woman, is a prostitute or a pimp and is just hitting back after getting the brush off.

FoxC, while I realize it is remotely possible, I do not think your DH has done anything wrong. After all you only have the word of the would-be cheater. How much can you trust her; if it even is a her and not her pimp?

 

[Wiseguy]

Has anyone considered that maybe ruining marriages is a hobby for this gal? Clearly this lady is out to start trouble. I bet the pictures she sent is not even of herself. Bet ya!

lulu is right on here. it was some sort of sting, kinda like the Dateline…To Catch A Predator thing. they may be doing it for fun or some other reason I dont know but her initial message to him was purely to get a response from him so that she could then blow the wistle on him. Maybe it is a woman that was cheated on through Myspace and is now on a personal mission of some kind.

your husband is guilty of placing himself in the path of temptation. and there is no doubt that he was tempted.

you were not to hard on him. he needed that little scare, that slap in the face. he was on the verge of doing something really bad. the person who set him up actually did you both a favor. if he hadnt been caught early on who knows how far he would have gone with it.

dump the myspace accounts or at least have one account for your families rather than two individual accounts.