Hurtful Experience in a Catholic Church

[Chinita_12]

I am a new convert to the Catholic church here in a very big parish here in the Midwest. This particular church in this parish has over 2,000 members, what makes it worse is that I am of a different ethnic background of the majority of the parishioners, and it had been a very frustrating experience to feel being “accepted” in this church. For example, I have been actively engaged in the church for almost 3 years, and still feel as a transparent person for most church members. Someone who see me basically on a daily basis for 3 years would never bother to greet me, or say “hello”, and this is someone who would serve the alter and is very prayerful. Here, I have overcome many issues with the church, such as the overwhelming feeling and lack of direction as a newcomer in the Mass, and the lack of friendship inside the church, because I have always been very aware of the fact that not everybody in the church is perfect, but there are two incidents that made me seriously reconsider if I have chosen the right faith.

One incident happened about four months ago. I was praying in a Rosary group as usual every Friday night. This group has a stable number of around 12 people and I have been praying with them for about 4 months. There was at one night that I needed a ride home, and I asked members of this prayer group if anyone would care to give me a ride, everyone lowered their head as if they didn’t hear. After a moment of awkward silence, one lady asked where I lived and immediately said that it is not in her home direction. No one even cared if I, a single young lady, would manage to arrive home safely by myself without vehicle.

The second incident happened right afterwards. The church host dinner every Sunday night as an opportunity to socialize. There was a young student who is of the same ethnic background as I am, whom I reached out and greeted warmly when he began to investigate the church. I invited him to sit with me at the table, and although the dining room were very crowded (considering the 2,000+ members in the church!) and we have enough space for at least 4 people at our table, nobody came to sit and eat with us and to chat for a while, despite the fact that the rest of the tables were filed with people.

One thing I have to clarify is that, although I am not that “social butterfly” type of person but I am not shy either, and I do make friends with people outside the church. And personally I have never experienced any racism in this country for many years, but the church experience is very frustrating for me. I began to question if I had chosen the right church. I have been to protestant church and they make an effort to greet you and welcome you. Maybe their friendship is superficial as some might argue, but they have the awareness to be friendly and to welcome people into their faith, while the Catholic church is so cold and distant, even cruel at times.

I was so frustrated in the Catholic church that I cried many times and hate myself being so easily converted and baptized without further investigation. I had been naive thinking the name Catholicism means universal and welcoming to everyone.

 

[twf]

I’m sorry you’ve experienced a lack of welcome. That can be very painful. That being said, remember that the Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum of saints. Don’t let the failings of individual sinners keep you from Christ and His sacraments. He welcomes you at every mass even if no one else does. Is it possible to investigate another, perhaps less ethnic, parish?

 

[Irishmom2]

I would also suggest a smaller parish. And once there, try to become involved in some sort of service group such as St. Vincent de Paul Society. It’s hard to ignore people when you are all working together to help people.

May I also suggest that you do not look to your parish so much for friendship as for attending mass and all it entails. I have been in the same parish for twenty years now. I know parishioners by sight to say hello, but none are my friends. Only when I see the parent of one of my children’s friends do we stop and say more than hello. And that’s okay because I am there to participate in mass, to spend time in the presence of God and to receive the holy Eucharist.

 

[Allegra]

I’m sorry you felt left out by the members of your parish. It seems strange to me too that no one would give you a ride home. Even if it was a different direction, unless you live in a very rural parish, I would think that someone would take you home. I would be less upset by the table thing. Unless there was literally no where else to sit, I would probably be a little shy to ask to sit at a table with someone I didn’t know. It might not be about racism as much as people don’t usually ask to join others at tables unless they need to. If I had based my decision to revert to the Catholic Church based on how Catholics treated others, I would probably be a full-fledged atheist right now. I grew up witnessing the most depressing displays of hypocrisy imaginable, including blatant racism. The fact is, I have come to believe the teachings of the Church are true. They are true, whether or not individual Catholics choose to practice them. So what can I do?

 

[Dorothy]

Chinita,

I am so sorry that you have these feelings of being left out. Please remember that it is not Jesus that did that to you, but the thoughtlessness of others.

When you mentioned that you were sitting at a table with another person and no one joined you even though there was room for two more…it could be that they thought that you were good friends talking to one another, and because of that they did not feel encouraged to sit and join you and your friend.

God bless you!

Dorothy

 

[phil19034]

Hello and Welcome to the Catholic Church and to Catholic Answers!

As someone who is a transplant to my parish & a revert to the faith, I totally know what you mean.

I was actually just discussing this two weeks ago with my parish administrator.

I strongly believe that problem you are experiencing has nothing to do with your ethnicity. I believe it simply is a result of Catholic Parishes being geographical.

Let me explain:

Catholic parishes are geographical. People from all walks of life attend them. No matter your ethnicity, race, class, etc. We are very heterogeneous. When the overwhelming majority of parishes in America were created, many Catholics could walk to Church (esp in the Urban areas). Everyone knew each other OUTSIDE of mass. There were Catholic Bowling leagues, Legion of Mary groups, most men were part of the Knights of Columbus, etc. Point is almost everyone in the parish was part of some Catholic social group which was affiliated with the parish (or if not directly affiliated, where many parishioners also took part). Plus, in those days, the majority attended Catholic School too.

However, in the 1950s, 1960s & 1970s, most of these Catholic social groups were disassembled, as there was a conscienous effort to move Catholics out of the Catholic ghettos and to change the Catholic Church from a church of immigrants and make us more “American.” This was done by closing many catholic groups and encouraging Catholics to join secular bowling leagues, and other secular social groups.

So the social part of parish life (which was never really directly part of the parish) was removed from parish life. However, for the people who lived in their parish their whole lives (like the people in their 60s, 70s and 80s today) it wasn’t really an issue because they already knew a vast majority of the parishioners from outside of Church. Because this age group is still “in charge” of parish social activities, they really don’t realize the issue.

However, this is a major issue for many younger Catholics and transplants. If you are younger Catholic and you move into an area where you know no one in the parish, it’s kind of hard to make friends. This is because everyone already “has their friends” many parishes (unless they are a transplant heavy parish, like many in South Florida, Arizona, Military Bases, and some parts of the Texas and California; the parishioners are often unaware of the number of new parishioners who are experiencing this loneliness.

Protestant Churches on the other hand tend to be homogeneous (maybe not in ethnicity, but surely in religious and political beliefs). It’s also not uncommon for these communities to have people from many different areas, so they are much more conscience of having community functions to help people get to know one another. Basically, the Protestant communities assume that new people do not know anyone, while Catholic Parishes assume that new parishioners already know Catholics from the community.

This is something that we Catholic must get better at, however, I know that eventually we will. As the Generation X and Millennials (who actually attend Church) begin to take over the ministries, this will begin to change; as these two generations are the ones who feel it the most because they are most likely to attend a parish that they did not grow up in.

I’ve been in my parish for approx 3 years, and I still don’t have any parish friends, but I do have a number of acquaintances. I also find that attending adult faith formation classes and Bible Study at the parish helps me to slowly get to know people at the parish better. And most importantly, volunteering to be on committees, etc also really help.

It’s unfortunate, but in America, new parishioners often have to make the effort to make friends in Church.

So I have two suggestions:

1. get involved, like I mentioned above.
2. suggest the creation of a convert/transplant group.

Some parishes have a “new parishioner welcoming committee” which try to help new parishioners; however, in my experience it’s not so much the issue of being a new parishioner. New parishioners can still have Catholic family & friends close by. However, the Convert and transplants are often alone. They either have no Catholic family or friends, or if they do, they live far away. So the creation of a Convert & Transplant group could help because then all transplants and converts can get together for that Catholic fellowship that they need because they don’t have it outside of Church.

Personally, I think the convert/transplant groups are a necessity in the American Church moving forward, and I suggest doing whatever you can to help them become a reality.

God Bless.

BTW - I also feel that these Catholic Answers forums help me with my fellowship too, even though it’s virtual.

 

[Faxero]

One incident happened about four months ago. I was praying in a Rosary group as usual every Friday night. This group has a stable number of around 12 people and I have been praying with them for about 4 months. There was at one night that I needed a ride home, and I asked members of this prayer group if anyone would care to give me a ride, everyone lowered their head as if they didn’t hear. After a moment of awkward silence, one lady asked where I lived and immediately said that it is not in her home direction. No one even cared if I, a single young lady, would manage to arrive home safely by myself without vehicle.

You might have given them the impression that you are needy. I might be suspicious, myself, if the very first thing I’d hear the newcomer say is “I need a ride home. Anyone?”

The lowering of one’s head often signifies negativity; that they may be embarrassed, ashamed, defensive, exhausted, etc.

changingminds.org/techniques/body/parts_body_language/head_body_language.htm

 

[Chinita_12]

You might have given them the impression that you are needy. I might be suspicious, myself, if the very first thing I’d hear the newcomer say is “I need a ride home. Anyone?”

The lowering of one’s head often signifies negativity; that they may be embarrassed, ashamed, defensive, exhausted, etc.

changingminds.org/techniques/body/parts_body_language/head_body_language.htm

Would you consider someone you see on a daily/weekly basis for three years, who talked to you after the mass, who prayed with you every Friday night as a “newcomer”? I don’t know if your opinion is representative of the vast majority of the Catholic church but if it does, it is obviously another sign that this church is extremely unfriendly and unwelcoming.

Besides, I didn’t know that the church members would automatically exclude “needy” people as you indicated. Even if I were a homeless person, would that be an excuse to shun me? What’s the purpose of their praying the rosary anyway, just to socialize with the “right” friends?

 

[AKDee]

I’m sorry you had those negative experiences. I, too, am a convert and there have been some things that have happened since my conversion that were disappointing. But it’s not that you joined the wrong Church. There is only ONE true Church, and you’re in it. You might, however, be in the wrong parish. I have learned since my conversion that different parishes develop different cultures. Some are very welcoming, some are insular. My parish is very welcoming- odds are strong that you would have received a huge welcome and then been hit up to serve on a dozen different ministries (haha). You could talk to the parish pastor about it (he might be willing to introduce you to some people and even incorporate something into his homily about welcoming strangers) or you might consider going to a different parish where the culture there is more welcoming. There’s nothing wrong with parish shopping if the parish you’re in won’t treat you like a member.

 

[Sarcelle]

I am a new convert to the Catholic church here in a very big parish here in the Midwest. This particular church in this parish has over 2,000 members, what makes it worse is that I am of a different ethnic background of the majority of the parishioners, and it had been a very frustrating experience to feel being “accepted” in this church. For example, I have been actively engaged in the church for almost 3 years, and still feel as a transparent person for most church members. Someone who see me basically on a daily basis for 3 years would never bother to greet me, or say “hello”, and this is someone who would serve the alter and is very prayerful. Here, I have overcome many issues with the church, such as the overwhelming feeling and lack of direction as a newcomer in the Mass, and the lack of friendship inside the church, because I have always been very aware of the fact that not everybody in the church is perfect, but there are two incidents that made me seriously reconsider if I have chosen the right faith.

One incident happened about four months ago. I was praying in a Rosary group as usual every Friday night. This group has a stable number of around 12 people and I have been praying with them for about 4 months. There was at one night that I needed a ride home, and I asked members of this prayer group if anyone would care to give me a ride, everyone lowered their head as if they didn’t hear. After a moment of awkward silence, one lady asked where I lived and immediately said that it is not in her home direction. No one even cared if I, a single young lady, would manage to arrive home safely by myself without vehicle.

The second incident happened right afterwards. The church host dinner every Sunday night as an opportunity to socialize. There was a young student who is of the same ethnic background as I am, whom I reached out and greeted warmly when he began to investigate the church. I invited him to sit with me at the table, and although the dining room were very crowded (considering the 2,000+ members in the church!) and we have enough space for at least 4 people at our table, nobody came to sit and eat with us and to chat for a while, despite the fact that the rest of the tables were filed with people.

One thing I have to clarify is that, although I am not that “social butterfly” type of person but I am not shy either, and I do make friends with people outside the church. And personally I have never experienced any racism in this country for many years, but the church experience is very frustrating for me. I began to question if I had chosen the right church. I have been to protestant church and they make an effort to greet you and welcome you. Maybe their friendship is superficial as some might argue, but they have the awareness to be friendly and to welcome people into their faith, while the Catholic church is so cold and distant, even cruel at times.

I was so frustrated in the Catholic church that I cried many times and hate myself being so easily converted and baptized without further investigation. I had been naive thinking the name Catholicism means universal and welcoming to everyone.

I am sorry to read about your experience.

I found more warmth in churches in the East coast than in the Midwest. I think with the Midwest being less diverse, people tend to be more insular and they grow up already with their own social network. They feel no need to expand it.

You may want to try a different parish.

 

[Irishmom2]

Would you consider someone you see on a daily/weekly basis for three years, who talked to you after the mass, who prayed with you every Friday night as a “newcomer”?

What’s the purpose of their praying the rosary anyway, just to socialize with the “right” friends?

I get the feeling that you really are looking to church as your social connection on some level. I don’t understand your comment about praying the rosary. I do not pray the rosary at church to socialize…

 

[Faxero]

Would you consider someone you see on a daily/weekly basis for three years, who talked to you after the mass, who prayed with you every Friday night as a “newcomer”? I don’t know if your opinion is representative of the vast majority of the Catholic church but if it does, it is obviously another sign that this church is extremely unfriendly and unwelcoming.

Even though you have been physically a part of the Parish, you might not have been there “emotionally”, which could account for their coldness towards you.



When I was in middle school, I only had one friend. Nearly everyone around me were people I’ve recognized from elementary school, people whom I have *seen *for years, but have never known.

By the time I graduated from middle school, only one of my schoolmates *knew *me, and that was because he was the only one whom I have made myself ‘emotionally available’ to. He was my only friend; the only one whom I have made any serious effort to interact with.

.—.

You could be under similar circumstances, in regards to your Parish community. You might be physically there, but emotionally distant.

 

[Sarcelle]

I get the feeling that you really are looking to church as your social connection on some level. I don’t understand your comment about praying the rosary. I do not pray the rosary at church to socialize…

What is wrong with looking for some social connections at church?

The OP mentioned about greeting and not being greeted in return even after seeing the same person for three years. Unfortunately this type of rudeness seems to be fairly common in Catholic Churches. I have had a lot of people telling me the same thing. After issuing a greeting, the greeter is the recipient of a suspicious stare.

I get it that Church is for worship but even basic civility should not get in the way of worship.

 

[porthos11]

I am a new convert to the Catholic church here in a very big parish here in the Midwest. This particular church in this parish has over 2,000 members, what makes it worse is that I am of a different ethnic background of the majority of the parishioners, and it had been a very frustrating experience to feel being “accepted” in this church. For example, I have been actively engaged in the church for almost 3 years, and still feel as a transparent person for most church members. Someone who see me basically on a daily basis for 3 years would never bother to greet me, or say “hello”, and this is someone who would serve the alter and is very prayerful. Here, I have overcome many issues with the church, such as the overwhelming feeling and lack of direction as a newcomer in the Mass, and the lack of friendship inside the church, because I have always been very aware of the fact that not everybody in the church is perfect, but there are two incidents that made me seriously reconsider if I have chosen the right faith.

One incident happened about four months ago. I was praying in a Rosary group as usual every Friday night. This group has a stable number of around 12 people and I have been praying with them for about 4 months. There was at one night that I needed a ride home, and I asked members of this prayer group if anyone would care to give me a ride, everyone lowered their head as if they didn’t hear. After a moment of awkward silence, one lady asked where I lived and immediately said that it is not in her home direction. No one even cared if I, a single young lady, would manage to arrive home safely by myself without vehicle.

The second incident happened right afterwards. The church host dinner every Sunday night as an opportunity to socialize. There was a young student who is of the same ethnic background as I am, whom I reached out and greeted warmly when he began to investigate the church. I invited him to sit with me at the table, and although the dining room were very crowded (considering the 2,000+ members in the church!) and we have enough space for at least 4 people at our table, nobody came to sit and eat with us and to chat for a while, despite the fact that the rest of the tables were filed with people.

One thing I have to clarify is that, although I am not that “social butterfly” type of person but I am not shy either, and I do make friends with people outside the church. And personally I have never experienced any racism in this country for many years, but the church experience is very frustrating for me. I began to question if I had chosen the right church. I have been to protestant church and they make an effort to greet you and welcome you. Maybe their friendship is superficial as some might argue, but they have the awareness to be friendly and to welcome people into their faith, while the Catholic church is so cold and distant, even cruel at times.

I was so frustrated in the Catholic church that I cried many times and hate myself being so easily converted and baptized without further investigation. I had been naive thinking the name Catholicism means universal and welcoming to everyone.

People ought to be welcoming, yes. But you have just experienced the human condition.

You became Catholic because you have seen and accepted the Truth, not because its members are going to be welcoming. It is a fault, yes, and Catholics should do a much better job at being welcoming. But if you’re going to enter or leave the Church because of some perceived behavioural expectations of her members, then you may have to review your motives. The Church will be full of sinners, and you will find them in various concentrations depending on the place.

In the Catholic Church, there is only one Friend that matters, and he is in the Tabernacle. His friends, including his Mother, have your back. Is this something you believe? Do you believe the God Almighty is there listening to you in the Blessed Sacrament? Then if so, you have chosen the right church. So never mind these people, let them be. If they don’t care for you, then you don’t have to care about how they treat you. You are not obligated to be their friend. They will answer to God for their actions.

BUT, I’ll also flip the coin. You may want to reflect on yourself too, and see if you’re giving off any negative signals that may cause people to avoid you. Not saying you are, just that the question also needs to be asked.

 

[AKDee]

You could be under similar circumstances, in regards to your Parish community. You might be physically there, but emotionally distant.

Or perceived that way, even if it’s not how you feel.

I’m accepted in my parish but I’m an introvert, not an extrovert. It’s very difficult for me to put myself out there. I was in Adoration a couple weeks ago and a woman came in who I know by name and who even subbed for my sponsor at one of the things where your sponsor has to be present. She came in and was clearly distraught. Despite the fact that there was a little bit of a relationship there, we haven’t spoken much since my baptism, and it took me a little bit to ask if she was okay and if I could pray for her. It shouldn’t have, but it did. I felt shy.

 

[Chinita_12]

I get the feeling that you really are looking to church as your social connection on some level. I don’t understand your comment about praying the rosary. I do not pray the rosary at church to socialize…

Hi, Irishmom,

I don’t specifically look to church as my social connection because if I did, I would have joined the Mormon church, where members are very supportive of one another, or I would have joined a protestant church, as many new immigrants do, for some support.

However, I see nothing wrong attempting to make friends inside the church. In Middle Ages the church is one of the two most important places for people to socialize, the other being the theater. Even if in nowadays when people can socialize elsewhere, It is still important that one has friends who shares the same faith to grow spiritually.

Actually, one of the most common defense I hear from Catholics when being criticized as unfriendly is that “the church is not your social club! We are here to worship God!” But they ignore the fact that you are a Christian because you are a follower of Christ, and to be a follower of Christ is to BE. LIke. Chirst. and to love one another as Christ did to us. A cold and apathetic attitude is contradictory to the teaching of Christ.

 

[Faxero]

A cold and apathetic attitude is contradictory to the teaching of Christ.

I get the impression that you are the one who is being cold, as you seem to feel resentful toward people whom have done you no harm.

To add to what porthos11 said, your resentment toward your Parish might be manifesting itself in your behavior; facial expressions and whatnot. It’s understandable why they would be further inclined to avoid you then.

 

[Chinita_12]

I get the impression that you are the one who is being cold, as you seem to feel resentful toward people whom have done nothing to you.

To add to what porthos11 said, your resentment toward your Parish might be manifesting itself in your behavior; facial expressions and whatnot. It’s understandable why they would be further inclined to avoid you then.

Thank you for being so judgemental without even knowing me in person. Wow.

 

[Irishmom2]

Actually, one of the most common defense I hear from Catholics when being criticized as unfriendly is that “the church is not your social club! We are here to worship God!” But they ignore the fact that you are a Christian because you are a follower of Christ, and to be a follower of Christ is to BE. LIke. Chirst. and to love one another as Christ did to us. A cold and apathetic attitude is contradictory to the teaching of Christ.

I am sorry, but I don’t think it is fair to say that someone is not Christlike because they don’t socialize at church. Nor should they be considered to be “contradictory to the teaching of Christ” because of that. Those are pretty strong accusations toward people you don’t actually know. You are making assumptions and judgements. There is nothing wrong with attending mass to worship God.

 

[Faxero]

Thank you for being so judgemental without even knowing me in person. Wow.

Whoa… Whoa! WHOA!

Hold your horses, lady!

I was just considering possibilities! I never intended to judge you!

Well maybe I did judge you, but… I’m pretty sure that I didn’t *intend *to!

I did not say that I consider you to be cold, I said that I get the *impression *that you are cold!

Whoa Whoa Whoa! :bigyikes: