Hurtful Experience in a Catholic Church

[Rosebud77]

Dear Chinita_12,
As a revert I visited many parishes in hopes of coming back into the church. The majority of them have cold people in them. I can look at people and see the face of Christ in them. I did not see Christ in these people, or in their actions (ever sit in the middle of a pew and no one sits in your pew?). God was teaching me something about this church I was born into but not raised in. I did find one that was friendly and whose pastor was merciful enough to know I needed an spiritual home. I know that is what you need also. I pray that you find one. Look for one with many different people, all ages that smile at you and greet you as member of the family, a sister in Christ.

Wise wise words; thank you… … And we must also each give that kindness to others, as I know you yourself do. OP, joining in prayers for you…

Lived in one parish where the only friendly person was the local Anglican vicar, female, who used to beseech me to go to their communion services… I can see why folk change ships

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I’m really sorry you are in this situation, especially as you are participating in a weekly group and have been there 3 years, if that doesn’t work I honestly don’t know what will. It’s hard and I am constantly tempted to just go to my husbands non-denominal church where we know loads of people and have even hosted his prayer group in our home.

I am trying to accept that my faith is something I have to do alone without the help of others but it is hard and lonely. I wonder if you would be better off praying the rosary by yourself as it sounds like you are wasting your time with these people.

 

[Monica4316]

I am a new convert to the Catholic church here in a very big parish here in the Midwest. This particular church in this parish has over 2,000 members, what makes it worse is that I am of a different ethnic background of the majority of the parishioners, and it had been a very frustrating experience to feel being “accepted” in this church. For example, I have been actively engaged in the church for almost 3 years, and still feel as a transparent person for most church members. Someone who see me basically on a daily basis for 3 years would never bother to greet me, or say “hello”, and this is someone who would serve the alter and is very prayerful. Here, I have overcome many issues with the church, such as the overwhelming feeling and lack of direction as a newcomer in the Mass, and the lack of friendship inside the church, because I have always been very aware of the fact that not everybody in the church is perfect, but there are two incidents that made me seriously reconsider if I have chosen the right faith.

One incident happened about four months ago. I was praying in a Rosary group as usual every Friday night. This group has a stable number of around 12 people and I have been praying with them for about 4 months. There was at one night that I needed a ride home, and I asked members of this prayer group if anyone would care to give me a ride, everyone lowered their head as if they didn’t hear. After a moment of awkward silence, one lady asked where I lived and immediately said that it is not in her home direction. No one even cared if I, a single young lady, would manage to arrive home safely by myself without vehicle.

The second incident happened right afterwards. The church host dinner every Sunday night as an opportunity to socialize. There was a young student who is of the same ethnic background as I am, whom I reached out and greeted warmly when he began to investigate the church. I invited him to sit with me at the table, and although the dining room were very crowded (considering the 2,000+ members in the church!) and we have enough space for at least 4 people at our table, nobody came to sit and eat with us and to chat for a while, despite the fact that the rest of the tables were filed with people.

One thing I have to clarify is that, although I am not that “social butterfly” type of person but I am not shy either, and I do make friends with people outside the church. And personally I have never experienced any racism in this country for many years, but the church experience is very frustrating for me. I began to question if I had chosen the right church. I have been to protestant church and they make an effort to greet you and welcome you. Maybe their friendship is superficial as some might argue, but they have the awareness to be friendly and to welcome people into their faith, while the Catholic church is so cold and distant, even cruel at times.

I was so frustrated in the Catholic church that I cried many times and hate myself being so easily converted and baptized without further investigation. I had been naive thinking the name Catholicism means universal and welcoming to everyone.

I’m sorry you are having this experience I’d be really hurt too. I’ve been to several parishes and I’ve noticed it tends to(at least here) depend on the parish. Large ones can be more impersonal. I’ve been to parishes where I really didn’t feel I fit in because I couldn’t find friends.

Its unfortunate things you describe happen to people because as Christians we should have charity. I’m sure ive failed in charity myself though too.

Currently I attend an FSSP parish that is very welcoming. People of all races are there and are friends. Its a smaller parish defined by our appreciation for the Latin Mass so maybe we just stick together more I don’t know. But I’ve met really friendly and more importantly charitable people. I’m sure they’re there in the other parishes I’ve been to but I’m sort of shy and didn’t get to know people much.

I think maybe it could depend on the parish?

I really encourage you to not give up on.the Church there. I know.not knowing anyone or having friends is lonely. It was like that for me before and I think God can use it to.bring us closer to Him. Protestants don’t have Jesus physically present in the Eucharist. The Church does I’m a convert and go to church alone, and there was a time I felt very lonely because I saw everyone with their families or having friends. I didn’t really know anyone. But then I realized Our Lord is there alone all day and all night. I began using the time to just be with Him, and it eventually brought to that realization. He is the greatest Friend we can ever have. God bless you

 

[Monica4316]

You might have given them the impression that you are needy. I might be suspicious, myself, if the very first thing I’d hear the newcomer say is “I need a ride home. Anyone?”

The lowering of one’s head often signifies negativity; that they may be embarrassed, ashamed, defensive, exhausted, etc.

changingminds.org/techniques/body/parts_body_language/head_body_language.htm

I don’t think that’s right though. If someone at a prayer group needs a ride its just kind to give them a ride. Its a prayer group after all!

 

[Monica4316]

Regarding the Church being for worship… That is true, and I don’t believe in chatting inside church. However lots of other stuff goes on like as was mentioned prayer groups, social functions, etc. Its frustrating to feel ignored and I think as Catholics we need to think about how Our Lord would want us to act in that situation. He is not cold after all. Unfortunately I have been cold too, maybe due to shyness more because I have some social anxiety. But I think its good to make an effort especially for those who seem alone.

 

[misspriss]

Haven’t had a chance to read the replies in depth (it’s DD’s naptime and she is ready!) but I have experienced similar things, not so specifically because I am much more shy. But I’ve been going to the same church almost all the time (sometimes I can’t make mass so I go somewhere else) since early 2011…and I still don’t have any friends. The only people who speak to me by name and even seem to have much interest in me are the RCIA director and her husband (DD’s godparents) and the husband of my RCIA sponsor (who I never see anymore).

I tried the ladies group, they were all at least two generations older than me. I have tried going to social events, but it’s hard to find babysitters and childcare is not provided. This was new to me, because protestant churches provide childcare if they have an adult event. Also, no one explained how things work - like the Mardi Gras party, I went there for the first time, paid a large fee for a ticket, only to find out that EVERYONE had paid to reserve a table, so there were NO tables for people who didn’t reserve ahead. So I was out a ton of money, couldn’t find a place to sit, and no one hardly spoke to me. It would have been really nice if someone had just said “heads up, we do this every year - if you want a table you probably need to reserve one, they are all taken if you don’t”…would that have been so hard?

I think it’s like a PP has said, the people who do stuff, have been doing stuff forever, they don’t realize newbies have no clue.

I have brought up the lack of childcare multiple times, my only option is to change churches at this point, or leave my kids with someone who is not catholic. I basically got told tough cookies, we can’t help. It makes me miss my protestant church. A lot. I have a feeling if my catholic church were more like my old protestant church, DH would come with me. If we were greeted, spoken to, someone qualified took care of our small kids so we could worship instead of playing referee. But it isn’t, and he doesn’t come, and I can’t handle the kids myself.

I could always go to RCIA classes again, they encourage people to do that to learn more and meet new catholics/soon to be new catholics, but wait, it’s in the evening and no childcare…

 

[RebeccaJ]

I am a new convert to the Catholic church here in a very big parish here in the Midwest. This particular church in this parish has over 2,000 members, what makes it worse is that I am of a different ethnic background of the majority of the parishioners, and it had been a very frustrating experience to feel being “accepted” in this church. For example, I have been actively engaged in the church for almost 3 years, and still feel as a transparent person for most church members. Someone who see me basically on a daily basis for 3 years would never bother to greet me, or say “hello”, and this is someone who would serve the alter and is very prayerful. Here, I have overcome many issues with the church, such as the overwhelming feeling and lack of direction as a newcomer in the Mass, and the lack of friendship inside the church, because I have always been very aware of the fact that not everybody in the church is perfect, but there are two incidents that made me seriously reconsider if I have chosen the right faith.

One incident happened about four months ago. I was praying in a Rosary group as usual every Friday night. This group has a stable number of around 12 people and I have been praying with them for about 4 months. There was at one night that I needed a ride home, and I asked members of this prayer group if anyone would care to give me a ride, everyone lowered their head as if they didn’t hear. After a moment of awkward silence, one lady asked where I lived and immediately said that it is not in her home direction. No one even cared if I, a single young lady, would manage to arrive home safely by myself without vehicle.

The second incident happened right afterwards. The church host dinner every Sunday night as an opportunity to socialize. There was a young student who is of the same ethnic background as I am, whom I reached out and greeted warmly when he began to investigate the church. I invited him to sit with me at the table, and although the dining room were very crowded (considering the 2,000+ members in the church!) and we have enough space for at least 4 people at our table, nobody came to sit and eat with us and to chat for a while, despite the fact that the rest of the tables were filed with people.

One thing I have to clarify is that, although I am not that “social butterfly” type of person but I am not shy either, and I do make friends with people outside the church. And personally I have never experienced any racism in this country for many years, but the church experience is very frustrating for me. I began to question if I had chosen the right church. I have been to protestant church and they make an effort to greet you and welcome you. Maybe their friendship is superficial as some might argue, but they have the awareness to be friendly and to welcome people into their faith, while the Catholic church is so cold and distant, even cruel at times.

I was so frustrated in the Catholic church that I cried many times and hate myself being so easily converted and baptized without further investigation. I had been naive thinking the name Catholicism means universal and welcoming to everyone.

It is a bummer to hear of things like this.

Are you friends with your RCIA sponsor? They should be able to help you get connected, or at the very least, be the friend who goes with you.

Every parish is different. My parish is also large, but we are racially and ethnically diverse. If we balked at everyone with accents we’d have few to talk to.

Don’t give up. Prayer groups are hit and miss. Some, people show up, pray, and leave with hardly a word to each other. Others, people will socialize before and after. The advice already given to volunteer in ministries that serve people is a good one. When you’re working with others, where conversation between people is required, you get to know people.

Prayer groups, people can come in, pray, and never say a word to anyone else, and that is how some people prefer to be. You might have come across the most inward facing prayer group, which might be a midwest cultural thing, I don’t know. But maybe it’s time to try a service ministry where people actually speak to each other in order to function. You don’t need to give up the prayer group, you can do both.

 

[InLight247]

Hi, Chinita_12,

It is a shame that the Rosary group refused to give you a ride and acted so cold about a young lady’s safety. Without judging their hearts, objectively speaking, that was at least a sin of omission. With that said, it also made me disappointed to read some responses severely lack of empathy and understanding. It is a shame to see such cold and judgmental responses here on CAF. However, that is the reality of the world and the reality of the Catholic world.

But, no, you did not make any wrong choice. Please keep in mind that the Catholic Church is the one true church founded by Christ Himself. The Church members could be bad, and the Church has many problems, but the true faith is irreplaceable.

I suggest you to check into other parishes near by. Once you find a smaller and nicer church, then find out if there is any small group you may join as others have mentioned. Pray for God’s guidance and ask Him to lead you. My best wishes and prayers for you. May God bless!

 

[porthos11]

Hi, Chinita_12,

It is a shame that the Rosary group refused to give you a ride and acted so cold about a young lady’s safety. Without judging their hearts, objectively speaking, that was at least a sin of omission. With that said, it also made me disappointed to read some responses severely lack of empathy and understanding. It is a shame to see such cold and judgmental responses here on CAF. However, that is the reality of the world and the reality of the Catholic world.

But, no, you did not make any wrong choice. Please keep in mind that the Catholic Church is the one true church founded by Christ Himself. The Church members could be bad, and the Church has many problems, but the true faith is irreplaceable.

I suggest you to check into other parishes near by. Once you find a smaller and nicer church, then find out if there is any small group you may join as others have mentioned. Pray for God’s guidance and ask Him to lead you. My best wishes and prayers for you. May God bless!

Before accusing CAF posters of being “cold”, remember that there are always two sides to every story. We are only seeing one.

Sometimes, “cold” objectivity is needed, especially if one side of the story is already coated with a lot of emotion.

 

[Chinita_12]

Before accusing CAF posters of being “cold”, remember that there are always two sides to every story. We are only seeing one.

Sometimes, “cold” objectivity is needed, especially if one side of the story is already coated with a lot of emotion.

Everyone is subjective and perceive the world through his/her own lens, nobody is able to be completely objective. Not you, not me. Religion, for example, is one of your strongest emotions. While you declare your Catholic faith, you declare it with “a lot of emotion” because your faith could not be scientifically proven and tested. It would be very arrogant and self-conceit, and to the point of being stupid, to believe oneself would be totally void of emotions and subjectivity, and thus to be the perfect judge of other people.

Everyone, however, is able to use their emotions and empathy to put themselves in other people’s shoes and to be more understanding and charitable.

 

[Chinita_12]

Hi, Chinita_12,

It is a shame that the Rosary group refused to give you a ride and acted so cold about a young lady’s safety. Without judging their hearts, objectively speaking, that was at least a sin of omission. With that said, it also made me disappointed to read some responses severely lack of empathy and understanding. It is a shame to see such cold and judgmental responses here on CAF. However, that is the reality of the world and the reality of the Catholic world.

But, no, you did not make any wrong choice. Please keep in mind that the Catholic Church is the one true church founded by Christ Himself. The Church members could be bad, and the Church has many problems, but the true faith is irreplaceable.

I suggest you to check into other parishes near by. Once you find a smaller and nicer church, then find out if there is any small group you may join as others have mentioned. Pray for God’s guidance and ask Him to lead you. My best wishes and prayers for you. May God bless!

Thank you for your kindness and empathy. Your prayers are definitely appreciated.

 

[Sarcelle]

Before accusing CAF posters of being “cold”, remember that there are always two sides to every story. We are only seeing one.

Sometimes, “cold” objectivity is needed, especially if one side of the story is already coated with a lot of emotion.

I’m all for cold objectivity.

However when a post consists of accusing language, than I draw the line at that. This is no longer cold objectivity but provocation.

I do not blame the OP one bit for the way she responded.

 

[Chinita_12]

I’m all for cold objectivity.

However when a post consists of accusing language, than I draw the line at that. This is no longer cold objectivity but provocation.

I do not blame the OP one bit for the way she responded.

Thank you for standing up for me. After viewing other posts by the same author, I realized that he has his own issues and his words don’t really deserve much attention of mine. And I really feel sorry about what’s going on in his life.

Thank you again for your support, it means a lot to me. I will follow your advice and try to investigate other parishes.

 

[Sarcelle]

Thank you for standing up for me. After viewing other posts by the same author, I realized that he has his own issues and his words don’t really deserve much attention of mine. And I really feel sorry about what’s going on in his life.

Thank you again for your support, it means a lot to me. I will follow your advice and try to investigate other parishes.

I’m praying that you find a parish that’s a good fit for you.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, Religion is not an emotion.
That’s a mistake that plenty of people make.
Also, at the conclusion of Mass, most people have only in the last 5 minutes received Christ, Body Blood, Soul & Divinity.
The conversation should be with Christ.
Everyone should be cordial. But I wouldn’t be so quick to judge the people who are quiet.
They may still be praying in their hearts.

 

[Sarcelle]

Well, Religion is not an emotion.
That’s a mistake that plenty of people make.
Also, at the conclusion of Mass, most people have only in the last 5 minutes received Christ, Body Blood, Soul & Divinity.
The conversation should be with Christ.
Everyone should be cordial. But I wouldn’t be so quick to judge the people who are quiet.
They may still be praying in their hearts.

My parish has a rule that socializing not take place among the pews out of respect for people and their private devotions. All socializing takes place outside. I get that.

However we are not talking about that. We are talking about basic civility. When you greet someone, in the social hall and not in the church proper, and all you get is a suspicious glare and the glarer goes on to talk to others, than that’s not being devout that’s just being rude.

Catholic Churches seem to have a lot of these characters. I now just dismiss them as curmudgeons as a majority of them seem to be elderly.

 

[pianistclare]

My parish has a rule that socializing not take place among the pews out of respect for people and their private devotions. All socializing takes place outside. I get that.

However we are not talking about that. We are talking about basic civility. When you greet someone, in the social hall and not in the church proper, and all you get is a suspicious glare and the glarer goes on to talk to others, than that’s not being devout that’s just being rude.

Catholic Churches seem to have a lot of these characters. I now just dismiss them as curmudgeons as a majority of them seem to be elderly.

Wow. We just don’t have that in our parish. It comes from the top down, sometimes, I think./
We tend to overwhelm our newcomers with friendliness, I think, LOL

 

[Sarcelle]

Wow. We just don’t have that in our parish. It comes from the top down, sometimes, I think./
We tend to overwhelm our newcomers with friendliness, I think, LOL

You are lucky.

I am hoping the OP finds a church just like yours.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Hi Chinita,
sorry to hear about your negative experience, but let me assure you, you’re not alone.

Parishes are often like other social groups, which have a political structure and the more social, the less spiritual.

Other religions such as Mormon’s have the same thing only stronger. Sure, they’re very friendly and open, because they want you to convert. I have friends who became Mormons. Once you convert, the same old political games become the norm, but what’s worse, you become isolated from friends and family members who are not Mormons. We haven’t seen our Mormon friend’s in over 20 years since their conversion, despite trying to stay in contact with them.

I think the only thing you can do is to just get involved with the various activities, and allow people to get to know you and you them.

Also keep in mind, most people are married with children and that along with their jobs, are the primary focus in their lives. So, they’ll keep their distance out of fear of becoming committed to something of which they just don’t have a lot of time for.

Anyway, remember, Jesus is the reason for belonging to a religion. Faith comes from Him, and religion is merely our response to that faith and where we seek to grow closer to Christ. Anything else is just bad religion.

God Bless
Jim

 

[Chinita_12]

Hi Chinita,
sorry to hear about your negative experience, but let me assure you, you’re not alone.

Parishes are often like other social groups, which have a political structure and the more social, the less spiritual.

Other religions such as Mormon’s have the same thing only stronger. Sure, they’re very friendly and open, because they want you to convert. I have friends who became Mormons. Once you convert, the same old political games become the norm, but what’s worse, you become isolated from friends and family members who are not Mormons. We haven’t seen our Mormon friend’s in over 20 years since their conversion, despite trying to stay in contact with them.

I think the only thing you can do is to just get involved with the various activities, and allow people to get to know you and you them.

Also keep in mind, most people are married with children and that along with their jobs, are the primary focus in their lives. So, they’ll keep their distance out of fear of becoming committed to something of which they just don’t have a lot of time for.

Anyway, remember, Jesus is the reason for belonging to a religion. Faith comes from Him, and religion is merely our response to that faith and where we seek to grow closer to Christ. Anything else is just bad religion.

God Bless
Jim

Thanks for your answer. It explained a lot of things inside the church.