Hurtful Experience in a Catholic Church

[Faxero]

I’m all for cold objectivity.

However when a post consists of accusing language, than I draw the line at that. This is no longer cold objectivity but provocation.

I do not blame the OP one bit for the way she responded.

Thank you for standing up for me. After viewing other posts by the same author, I realized that he has his own issues and his words don’t really deserve much attention of mine. And I really feel sorry about what’s going on in his life.

Thank you again for your support, it means a lot to me. I will follow your advice and try to investigate other parishes.

Based on the previous posts in this thread, I presume you two are referring to me.

If so, I’d like an explanation as to how I demonstrated ‘accusing language’ and ‘provocation’. For the most part, I have been emotionally detached from this thread. However, I never intended any harm.

If anyone thinks that I displayed a stunning lack of emotion, that I’m ‘cold’ or ‘judgmental’, please read post #12 on the first page of this thread. As you may find, I did inject emotion into my words. I empathize with Chinita_12 on a *personal *level, hence why I shared a *personal *experience of mine.

.-------------------------.

One reason why I believe that you’re referring to me is your usage of the pronoun ‘he’, and I think I’m the only male who posted in this thread, well the only masculine one anyway.

 

[Faxero]

One reason why I believe that you’re referring to me is your usage of the pronoun ‘he’, and I think I’m the only male who posted in this thread, well the only masculine one anyway.

 

[MSSheBear]

From what I have been reading on this thread, IMO the OP should try visiting other parishes. It seems a bit cold that no one offered her a ride home from the Rosary group. With all honesty the main reason I hang around my current parish is because of the choir.

 

[Sarcelle]

Based on the previous posts in this thread, I presume you two are referring to me.

If so, I’d like an explanation as to how I demonstrated ‘accusing language’ and ‘provocation’. For the most part, I have been emotionally detached from this thread. However, I never intended any harm.

If anyone thinks that I displayed a stunning lack of emotion, that I’m ‘cold’ or ‘judgmental’, please read post #12 on the first page of this thread. As you may find, I did inject emotion into my words. I empathize with Chinita_12 on a *personal *level, hence why I shared a *personal *experience of mine.

.-------------------------.

One reason why I believe that you’re referring to me is your usage of the pronoun ‘he’, and I think I’m the only male who posted in this thread, well the only masculine one anyway.

Look at your post, post #17. You employed the word cold, resentful. Like she did deserve her treatment. You have now turned her into a defendant where she is guilty until she proves herself innocent. If that is not provocative, I don’t know what is.

A more objective method would be to ask why she feels alienated in her own church. Questions not accusations. After why the need to put someone who you do not even know, on the defensive?

 

[Faxero]

Look at your post, post #17. You employed the word cold, resentful. Like she did deserve her treatment. You have now turned her into a defendant where she is guilty until she proves herself innocent. If that is not provocative, I don’t know what is.

A more objective method would be to ask why she feels alienated in her own church. Questions not accusations. After why the need to put someone who you do not even know, on the defensive?

I was merely sharing the impression that I had at the time…

 

[Faxero]

I don’t mean to intensify the drama, nor do I intend to drag others into this, but does anyone else other than Chinita_12 and Sarcelle think that I was being cold, accusatory, and provocative?

I feel that Sarcelle and Chinita_12 are overreacting.
If my posts were that bad, you could have just reported them. There’s no need to be backhanded and say things like:

After viewing other posts by the same author, I realized that he has his own issues and his words don’t really deserve much attention of mine. And I really feel sorry about what’s going on in his life.

:banghead:

 

[Peccavi]

I have a friend here from Texas now living in the UK. I told her this story. She said she was not surprised. Texas she said is deeply racist. (She is both white and from an old Texas family and a former Catholic turned atheist )

 

[Rosebud77]

Well, Religion is not an emotion.
That’s a mistake that plenty of people make.
Also, at the conclusion of Mass, most people have only in the last 5 minutes received Christ, Body Blood, Soul & Divinity.
The conversation should be with Christ.
Everyone should be cordial. But I wouldn’t be so quick to judge the people who are quiet.
They may still be praying in their hearts.

AMEN to your third line. Someone i met when I was first in Ireland told me he had stopped going to Mass because of this kind of thing. He saw folk coming out of mass, and gossiping cruel words about others there on the church steps

Happened to me once when, still dreamy after a St John gospel a woman followed me with a vehement verbal attack…

How we act to each other matters. That too is not emotion but love in action.

 

[Sarcelle]

I don’t mean to intensify the drama, nor do I intend to drag others into this, but does anyone else other than Chinita_12 and Sarcelle think that I was being cold, accusatory, and provocative?

I feel that Sarcelle and Chinita_12 are overreacting.
If my posts were that bad, you could have just reported them. There’s no need to be backhanded and say things like:

:banghead:

overreacting? Okay, that is your impression and I respect that.

I did not report you because you did not violate any forum rules. You shared your impression with us, we shared our impression with you. Give and take.

 

[Chinita_12]

I get the impression that you are the one who is being cold, as you seem to feel resentful toward people whom have done you no harm.

To add to what porthos11 said, your resentment toward your Parish might be manifesting itself in your behavior; facial expressions and whatnot. It’s understandable why they would be further inclined to avoid you then.

Words like these are by no means constructive, but rather provocative, and it is expected that people would get offended. Furthermore, when these bad behaviors were pointed out, you lack the courage to admit it, instead you made some futile attempts to manipulate others’ emotional reactions, such as:

“Whoa Whoa Whoa, calm down!”
" You are overreacting."

It is not your place to judge how people should emotionally react towards offense and words like these are very inappropriate.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Chinita,
I bet you’re glad you shared your experience in here huh ?

Don’t let the high-school student upset you.

Jim

 

[InLight247]

Unless you disagree that we are all called to holiness and we are all supposed to work toward holiness, I think this thread is a typical opportunity for us to exam ourselves.

The OP brought up some hurtful experiences to share with CAF members. Cold responses immediately popped up by several. While we must keep ourselves cool and be objective, we should not accuse the one who seeks for support and put salt on his wound.

We all know many Catholic parishes are lack of hospitality. This is not the first time this topic brought up in the forum. I am amazed that instead of thinking how we ourselves could be more friendly, to make people feel welcomed and belong, specially for the newcomers, many comments went to the opposite. Yes, Mass is not a social occasion, yes, people may be in the prayer mode, no matter what you say, it is not that hard to give a genuine smile or a friendly “Hi” to fellow parishioners. Of course, if one’s heart is lack of love and care, even a smile or a “Hi” may be too much to ask for.

I hope we always keep in mind the call to holiness. Will we please the Lord by throwing out cold or inconsiderate comments? Or will we please the Lord by being understanding, charitable, and caring? Or maybe we don’t even care to please the Lord!

 

[Sarcelle]

Words like these are by no means constructive, but rather provocative, and it is expected that people would get offended. Furthermore, when these bad behaviors were pointed out, you lack the courage to admit it, instead you made some futile attempts to manipulate others’ emotional reactions, such as:

“Whoa Whoa Whoa, calm down!”
" You are overreacting."

It is not your place to judge how people should emotionally react towards offense and words like these are very inappropriate.

Chinita, I hope you do not leave us. Some of us may be an acquired taste, but generally we mean well.

 

[TexCatholic4JMJ]

I have a friend here from Texas now living in the UK. I told her this story. She said she was not surprised. Texas she said is deeply racist. (She is both white and from an old Texas family and a former Catholic turned atheist )

Ummm, Texas is a big state and that is one person’s opinion about a whole lot of people.
I disagree.

 

[thequeen]

Chinita you might try other groups in the parish l had a similar experience with one group in my parish but then searched for other groups and found one that was friendlier in fact they almost beg to give me a ride home I have a car but sometimes because I am a type1 diabetic my blood sugar drops and and I am unable to drive home until I can bring it up to a proper level.

 

[phil19034]

I have a friend here from Texas now living in the UK. I told her this story. She said she was not surprised. Texas she said is deeply racist. (She is both white and from an old Texas family and a former Catholic turned atheist )

That’s not very charitable of you, nor your friend.

You just called a 27,469,114 people in a huge 268,581 square mile (696,241 square km) area racist.

It’s like casting judgement on everyone living in France with one brush stroke

As FYI - Texas is larger geographically than France, though France has almost 2.5 times more in population.

 

[Faxero]

Words like these are by no means constructive, but rather provocative, and it is expected that people would get offended. Furthermore, when these bad behaviors were pointed out, you lack the courage to admit it, instead you made some futile attempts to manipulate others’ emotional reactions, such as:

“Whoa Whoa Whoa, calm down!”
" You are overreacting."

It is not your place to judge how people should emotionally react towards offense and words like these are very inappropriate.

My apologies, then.
In any case, it really is possible that the root of the problem could be on your end, rather than on your fellow Parishioner’s end. I’ll expound on my statements on page 1, post 12.

When I was in elementary school, I had the same classmates for 5 consecutive years. My school’s system was set up so that each class had an assigned classroom for each year.

Despite being exposed to the same social environment with the same people for 5 years, I only made 3 friends.

This is because I took the time to interact with 3 classmates, while ignoring most others. I was physically present in the classroom, yet kept my distance from most of my peers.

I was physically present, yet emotionally absent.
Your circumstances aren’t exactly the same as mine. However, I believe that they’re similar enough so that the same principle ‘Physically present, emotionally absent.’ might be applicable.

You may be physically present at the Parish, but if you’re not emotionally connected to the others, if you’re ‘absent’, you’ll be ignored. That’s just how it is.
I am not saying that you *are *the root of the problem. I am merely considering possibilities, the same way Phil19034 on page 1, post 6 considered the possibility of geographical influence affecting the community, which in turn affects your circumstances, or how JimR-OCDS on page 4, post 57 considered the possibility of devotion to families inclining people to refrain from developing friendships.

Allowing oneself to consider a wide range of possibilities, including possibilities that may reflect critically on oneself, is indicative of being open-minded.

God bless.

 

[Peebo]

Thank you for your support and I share the same opinion. Many of the nicest people that I met in the USA are from the East Coast and through my observation, I do think that they are more accepting of people from different cultures.

It can be very hard to assimilate into a new culture and especially a different country…you may have come from a country that is much more family oriented…the US is very much a fast paced materialistic don’t crowd my space society now a days…(sadly)…much of the family structure has broken down…people are so busy in their own lives they don’t have time…or the inclination to get involved even with their own families let alone strangers…and of course to a degree that is reflected also in church…most Catholics who attend mass I’m sure are genuine in their faith but even many of them are caught in the same day to day pressures of todays living…of course there are many genuine caring Catholics in all churches I am sure…unfortunately you may have to do much of the searching yourself to find a group where you will feel comfortable…don’t give up if you feel let down at times…maybe if you talk to your priest and let him know how you feel he could put you in touch with Catholics who really do care…God bless

 

[Faxero]

It can be very hard to assimilate into a new culture and especially a different country…you may have come from a country that is much more family oriented…the US is very much a fast paced materialistic don’t crowd my space society now a days…(sadly)…much of the family structure has broken down…people are so busy in their own lives they don’t have time…or the inclination to get involved even with their own families let alone strangers…and of course to a degree that is reflected also in church…most Catholics who attend mass I’m sure are genuine in their faith but even many of them are caught in the same day to day pressures of todays living…of course there are many genuine caring Catholics in all churches I am sure…unfortunately you may have to do much of the searching yourself to find a group where you will feel comfortable…don’t give up if you feel let down at times…maybe if you talk to your priest and let him know how you feel he could put you in touch with Catholics who really do care…God bless

The U.S is most certainly a materialistically competitive, goal-oriented place to live. People there seem to be frowned upon for not having amenities which everyone else seems to have, such as a car.

People there don’t seem to trust anyone other than their families and friends. I’ve never understood this, as making friends often requires interaction with strangers.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

My apologies, then.
In any case, it really is possible that the root of the problem could be on your end, rather than on your fellow Parishioner’s end. I’ll expound on my statements on page 1, post 12.

When I was in elementary school, I had the same classmates for 5 consecutive years. My school’s system was set up so that each class had an assigned classroom for each year.

Despite being exposed to the same social environment with the same people for 5 years, I only made 3 friends.

This is because I took the time to interact with 3 classmates, while ignoring most others. I was physically present in the classroom, yet kept my distance from most of my peers.

I was physically present, yet emotionally absent.
Your circumstances aren’t exactly the same as mine. However, I believe that they’re similar enough so that the same principle ‘Physically present, emotionally absent.’ might be applicable.

You may be physically present at the Parish, but if you’re not emotionally connected to the others, if you’re ‘absent’, you’ll be ignored. That’s just how it is.
I am not saying that you *are *the root of the problem. I am merely considering possibilities, the same way Phil19034 on page 1, post 6 considered the possibility of geographical influence affecting the community, which in turn affects your circumstances, or how JimR-OCDS on page 4, post 57 considered the possibility of devotion to families inclining people to refrain from developing friendships.

Allowing oneself to consider a wide range of possibilities, including possibilities that may reflect critically on oneself, is indicative of being open-minded.

God bless.

I guess the question is how you become emotionally connected? These feelings don’t come from nowhere and if you have tried like the OP and people don’t want to know or if your church doesn’t do a lot outside of mass then it’s hard to feel any emotional attachment to a parish. You could be the most loving person in the world but it’s a two way thing.