P
PartoftheBody
Guest
OP, it could be worse. Your husband could refuse to make decisions, then criticize the decision you make when he doesn’t like the outcome…a certain husband I know used to do this until his wife made it clear he could either complain OR not have responsibility for decisions, but not both. But I digress…
I can appreciate your frustration. I imagine making the majority of the decisions can be very tiring and anxiety-provoking, and even more so when you aren’t getting enough sleep because you are taking care of a baby at night.
Have you read the book The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett? I really found it helpful in my marriage, as my husband and I are very different people. It sounds like you have some “go-getter” aspects of the Choleric temperament, and he has some of the lack of initiative aspects of the Phlegmatic temperament. They specifically address this issue of Choleric women being frustrated with the lack of initiative/leadership in their phlegmatic husbands. They also discuss the best ways to motivate people of this temperament.
Being partially phlegmatic myself, I can tell you that criticism generally does not motivate people like me. On the contrary, it discourages us, making us not want to try. What works better for phlegmatic people is encouragement and praise. Something like, “Please take care of deciding X. You have good judgment, and I know you’ll make the right choice.”
Also, sometimes to get what we want in our marriages, we have to do it in a way that is not the ideal. For example, the other day, I told my husband exactly what I’d like for St. Valentine’s Day. Now I’d love for him to figure out something romantic to do on his own, but I’d rather tell him what I want than be disappointed if he didn’t do anything because he “couldn’t think of anything good,” which has happened in the past.
Maybe it’s not ideal that your husband can’t figure out on his own what needs to be done or what decisions need to be made, but if you point out for him specifically what needs to be done and he does it, isn’t that closer to what you want than the way things are now?
I can appreciate your frustration. I imagine making the majority of the decisions can be very tiring and anxiety-provoking, and even more so when you aren’t getting enough sleep because you are taking care of a baby at night.
Have you read the book The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett? I really found it helpful in my marriage, as my husband and I are very different people. It sounds like you have some “go-getter” aspects of the Choleric temperament, and he has some of the lack of initiative aspects of the Phlegmatic temperament. They specifically address this issue of Choleric women being frustrated with the lack of initiative/leadership in their phlegmatic husbands. They also discuss the best ways to motivate people of this temperament.
Being partially phlegmatic myself, I can tell you that criticism generally does not motivate people like me. On the contrary, it discourages us, making us not want to try. What works better for phlegmatic people is encouragement and praise. Something like, “Please take care of deciding X. You have good judgment, and I know you’ll make the right choice.”
Also, sometimes to get what we want in our marriages, we have to do it in a way that is not the ideal. For example, the other day, I told my husband exactly what I’d like for St. Valentine’s Day. Now I’d love for him to figure out something romantic to do on his own, but I’d rather tell him what I want than be disappointed if he didn’t do anything because he “couldn’t think of anything good,” which has happened in the past.
Maybe it’s not ideal that your husband can’t figure out on his own what needs to be done or what decisions need to be made, but if you point out for him specifically what needs to be done and he does it, isn’t that closer to what you want than the way things are now?
So I have two options.
