Husband and father stays up all night

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Pisces1984

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My family is a bit non-traditional. I have a very high-paying career, and my husband is a stay at home, homeschool dad. Well, about a year ago, he started staying up watching TV until at least 3 am, usually 4 am. One day, I got up for work at 6:30 am, and he was still up. The kids tell me he is rarely up before noon. Our house is filthy.

The TV makes it hard for me to fall asleep, and it is hard for me to fall back asleep because I wake up when he comes to bed. My job is very tough to do without sleep, and I am worried I will lose my job.

His position is that he’s always been a “night owl” and needs the time to himself, and I’m controlling for not accepting it. My position is that he should be watching the kids while I"m at work, and it is disrespectful to me as provider for him to not keep the house quiet at night.

I’ll send him a link in case he wants to give his side.

Am I being unreasonable?
 
Hmmm. I think there’s a few different issues here.

Firstly, yes he should be looking after the children and homeschooling them, as that is the agreement. If it’s also part of your agreement that he takes on most of the household chores because you’re working full-time, he also ought to be sticking to that.

May I ask how long he has been homeschooling/staying at home? He may feel as though he doesn’t get any downtime from being at home/being around people all day. I know as an introvert, I would really struggle to be with people all day and I definitely need to have time out to recharge my batteries. So I can see where he may be coming from in that regard. I’d also wonder whether him being a night owl is because he’s not enjoying homeschooling/getting up early to look after the kids. So he’s shifting the hours he’s awake to have less time doing what he ‘should’ be doing and more time on what he ‘wants’ to be doing.

I do agree with you that you should be able to sleep and it’s concerning that he’s refusing to change anything to help you. I’d wonder if something started a year ago that’s influenced his behaviour - is he struggling with insomnia? Or perhaps a mental health issue? It could just be that he needs to get out of the routine he’s currently in, to reset his body clock to more manageable hours. I think I’d encourage him to get more exercise, to try and wear himself out more in the day. And I know this wouldn’t solve any of the underlying issues, but could you move the TV so it’s further away from your bedroom? Or buy earplugs? I’m just trying to think of what will help you to sleep.

If you can’t resolve this between yourselves, I’d encourage marriage counseling. I think it would help in any case.
 
He has been a stay at home dad for 10 years, homeschooling for 5.

I always respected downtime. I’d go to bed at 10 pm, and he would usually come to bed at midnight or 1 pm. I found this workable, as I could fall back asleep when being woke up at 12 or 1, but not 3 am or 4 am The 3 am to 4 am thing is new.

The kids are old enough now to help with chores, so it should be easier.
 
I think this is an issue you both need to work out between yourselves. My parents had similar opposing habits but it was not an issue because the one who went to bed early had no trouble sleeping and the one who stayed up half the night didn’t homeschool and had more freedom to nap. Likewise I often stayed up very late by myself and it didn’t bother my husband who slept like a rock and would have needed a bomb going off to disturb him.

Your husband staying up could be due to any number of things from insomnia to anxiety to feeling like he genuinely needs more personal time that he isn’t getting when others are awake. You being a light sleeper who’s disturbed by his activities adds another layer that wouldn’t be there if you slept more soundly. I would suggest while you are trying to work this out that you see if you can adjust the sleeping and TV arrangements in your home so the noise from the TV doesn’t bug you. Maybe you can move the TV further from the bedroom or get earplugs for yourself.
 
Two kids ages 10 and 7, and their primary care taker sleeps past noon.
 
Pisces1984 said:
His position is that he’s always been a “night owl” and needs the time to himself, and I’m controlling for not accepting it.
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This is a thing with my wife and I. I’m a teacher so I get three months paid holidays in the summer. I often stay up to watch stuff but if my wife wakes up she finds it very hard to get back to sleep. So I use headphones, limit the number of nights that I stay up late, and if I feel like I can’t go to our bed without making noise, I sleep in the other room.

I think if your husband is a “stay at home dad” he should actually treat that as his job and get up at an appropriate time and ensure the house is tidy for you coming home. Anything else is laziness. I wouldn’t expect him to always have dinner on the table, but a bare minimum to expect would be a clean house.
Pisces1984 said:
Am I being unreasonable?
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Not at all.
 
Lou2U said:
I think I’d encourage him to get more exercise, to try and wear himself out more in the day.
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Definitely a good idea. Maybe on a day that the OP is off he could get out of the house. I know I need to go out in my kayak and in nature after a tough week.
 
Yeah, if he’s sleeping half the day when he’s home with the kids it might mean he just doesn’t like the arrangement. He might be feeling bored or overwhelmed. He might need some more sources of stimulus in his life. He might be feeling unappreciated or resentful about his role.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Yeah, if he’s sleeping half the day when he’s home with the kids it might mean he just doesn’t like the arrangement. He might be feeling bored or overwhelmed. He might need some more sources of stimulus in his life. He might be feeling unappreciated or resentful about his role.
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Or…he might have developed a habit of laziness. People are afraid to say it but it’s probably the most likely option.
 
I think possibly depression might be at least part of it. He is withdrawing by keeping different hours from the rest of the family. And it could possibly be because the arrangement is no longer (if it ever really was) to his liking and not working for him.
 
Pisces1984 said:
Two kids ages 10 and 7, and their primary care taker sleeps past noon.
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It seems odd to me that you refer to your husband as “their primary care taker” instead of their dad or your husband. Perhaps he feels that you treat him more as a worker than a family member.
 
AdamP88 said:
Or…he might have developed a habit of laziness. People are afraid to say it but it’s probably the most likely option.
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Being a stay-at-home parent can often be exhausting. As a stay-at-home mom of two, I don’t stay up all night, but I often stay up later than I should because that’s the only time I have to spend time one-on-one with my husband, read, watch a show, or do hobbies. The OP’s husband shouldn’t be staying up until 6am, but I don’t think it’s fair to jump to the conclusion that he’s “just lazy.”
 
RolandThompsonGunner said:
I wonder if your husband is dealing with clinical depression. The disturbed sleeping habits, the lack of attention to cleanliness, etc. Kinda makes me wonder if he should see a doctor.
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I have depression and I can’t tell you the number of times my house has been a disaster because I simply don’t have the stamina to clean up. People don’t take mental illness seriously but the struggle is real.
 
That is probably the only time I’ve ever referred to him as “their primary care taker.” It wasn’t in the original post, it was a point about the arrangement, how the kids are completely unsupervised for literally more than half the time I"m at work. He gets up, drinks coffee for an hour or two, and then starts homeschooling them at about 2p. That’s done when I get home, and he’s on the couch in front of the TV literally until 4a when he comes to bed.

I work 10 hours a day, often on only 4 hours sleep. He homeschools 3 hours a day, and gets more than 8 hours sleep a night. A third the responsibility (time wise) on twice as much sleep. Then he literally watches TV at least 10 hours a day. I know I’m sounding meaner than I intend, but I am tired: he is most definitely not the one with who is exhausted. Even two hours less TV a day would go a long way to letting me sleep a bit more and relieving some of my stress.

He is very content with this arrangement.
 
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Pisces1984 said:
That is probably the only time I’ve ever referred to him as “their primary care taker.” It wasn’t in the original post, it was a point about the arrangement, how the kids are completely unsupervised for literally more than half the time I"m at work. He gets up, drinks coffee for an hour or two, and then starts homeschooling them at about 2p. That’s done when I get home, and he’s on the couch in front of the TV literally until 4a when he comes to bed.

I work 10 hours a day, often on only 4 hours sleep. He homeschools 3 hours a day, and gets more than 8 hours sleep a night. A third the responsibility (time wise) on twice as much sleep. Then he literally watches TV at least 10 hours a day. I know I’m sounding meaner than I intend, but I am tired: he is most definitely not the one with who is exhausted. Even two hours less TV a day would go a long way to letting me sleep a bit more and relieving some of my stress.

He is very content with this arrangement.
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What he is doing is not okay. It needs to change. You are not being unreasonable. The way to fix it is to get to the root of the problem. Is he depressed? Is he burned out? Is he overwhelmed? Has he suddenly become unhappy with the arrangement and doesn’t know how to communicate that? Is he afraid voicing his feelings will lead to an argument and this behavior is an indirect cry for help? Finding out what’s behind all of this is the first step to changing it.
 
He acts very happy and content.

I’m depressed. I’m burned out. I’m overwhelmed.

Given some of the advise here by prior posters though, maybe I should cater to him more. Maybe 3 hours of homeschooling is just too much responsibility for him. Maybe I should take that off his plate and do it myself in the evening after my 10 hours at work.

Maybe 8 or 9 hours of sleep a night is not enough for him. If I take homeschooling off his plate, maybe he could get another hour in. I shouldn’t be so selfish, I should be happy with the 4 hours I get, maybe even cut it back it a bit.

Maybe I’ll get him a bigger TV for his birthday, that will cheer him up. Perhaps I can upgrade our cable package since he’ll have just a little more time a day. I just hope 12 hours of TV isn’t neglecting his need for “me time.”

Clearly, the problem with my smiling husband is he is tired and depressed. Perhaps when I step up and do more, I’ll be happier myself.

I sent him the link to this yesterday. I’m sure he’ll be happy with his vindication if he reads it when he gets up this afternoon.
 
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