Yeah well, It’s certainly an option to consider.
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Irishmom2
Guest
OP, Wow, that’s all you took away from what people said? People suggested he may be unhappy with the situation, meaning maybe he would rather be at work. Maybe he is depressed and and can’t say so to you.
No one said leave him alone. You are wrong. No one suggested you buy him a bigger tv and let him go further down the inactivity hole.
If you are overworked, maybe you and he need to share the outside employment even if it means less income. Maybe your children should not be homeschooled if it is going to take a toll on you and your husband, but ultimately on your children.
No one said leave him alone. You are wrong. No one suggested you buy him a bigger tv and let him go further down the inactivity hole.
If you are overworked, maybe you and he need to share the outside employment even if it means less income. Maybe your children should not be homeschooled if it is going to take a toll on you and your husband, but ultimately on your children.
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See, this is the kind of thing that won’t solve the problem. I’m sorry you’re not happy with the responses. But acting with this attitude toward your husband is not going to magically make him do better. In fact, it will most likely make things worse. If you want things to change for the better, it’s going to take honest communication on both your parts. And both of you are going to have to try to see things from the each other’s perspective.He acts very happy and content.
I’m depressed. I’m burned out. I’m overwhelmed.
Given some of the advise here by prior posters though, maybe I should cater to him more. Maybe 3 hours of homeschooling is just too much responsibility for him. Maybe I should take that off his plate and do it myself in the evening after my 10 hours at work.
Maybe 8 or 9 hours of sleep a night is not enough for him. If I take homeschooling off his plate, maybe he could get another hour in. I shouldn’t be so selfish, I should be happy with the 4 hours I get, maybe even cut it back it a bit.
Maybe I’ll get him a bigger TV for his birthday, that will cheer him up. Perhaps I can upgrade our cable package since he’ll have just a little more time a day. I just hope 12 hours of TV isn’t neglecting his need for “me time.”
Clearly, the problem with my smiling husband is he is tired and depressed. Perhaps when I step up and do more, I’ll be happier myself.
I sent him the link to this yesterday. I’m sure he’ll be happy with his vindication if he reads it when he gets up this afternoon.
Acting happy doesn’t mean he is—people with depression are often experts at looking content and hiding their feelings.
No, a new TV won’t “cheer him up.” Those kinds of sarcastic comments will likely augment the problem and make both of you even more unhappy.
You’re not selfish to need more sleep. You most certainly should not “relieve” him of the three hours of homeschooling and put it onto yourself. But saying this to him with sarcasm and playing the martyr (“oh fine, I’ll do even more! I hope you’re happy now!”) isn’t going to solve the problem. It will make it worse.
Honestly, if this is the way you talk to him, I could certainly understand why he may be reluctant to voice his concerns to you. He may indeed be stuffing his feelings to the point that he is indeed depressed because he is afraid of your reaction.
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heidi_storage
Guest
I think there’s consensus that your situation is untenable, OP. Something’s gotta give, and you need much more sleep than 4 hours per night–no question! But the best thing to do is to work this out with your husband rather than litigating the matter on an internet forum. We all wish you the best.
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Lou2U
Guest
I agree. I think this is a situation best discussed with a counselor, and perhaps also a doctor.I think there’s consensus that your situation is untenable, OP. Something’s gotta give, and you need much more sleep than 4 hours per night–no question! But the best thing to do is to work this out with your husband rather than litigating the matter on an internet forum. We all wish you the best.
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umamibella
Guest
Are the children only in school for a couple of hours daily and are they, at ages 10 and 7, running around unsupervised for a significant amount of time daily while your husband sleeps?
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Pisces1984
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Umamibella, yes. They are unsupervised from 7 or 8 am until noon or later. Fortunately they are well behaved kids.
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Pisces1984
Guest
Thank you umamibella for noticing the fact that he ignores our children.
I did not expect anyone here to solve anything, but I did naively hope that more would point out the obvious fact that this is lazy and irresponsible him to read. Most of what he will read are excuses, if he shuts off WWE long enough.
I did not expect anyone here to solve anything, but I did naively hope that more would point out the obvious fact that this is lazy and irresponsible him to read. Most of what he will read are excuses, if he shuts off WWE long enough.
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Are you looking for a solution or do you just want us all to tell you that your husband is a lazy bum and it’s all his fault?I did not expect anyone here to solve anything, but I did naively hope that more would point out the obvious fact that this is lazy and irresponsible him to read. Most of what he will read are excuses, if he shuts off WWE long enough.
Are you open at all to the notion that maybe you have a role to play in all this? And maybe, just maybe, have it in your power to change things by changing some of your behaviors?
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Allegra
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Is he actually watching the TV, or is he dozing in front of it? My husband used to do this and it turned out the reason was he really didn’t like sleep. He had sleep apnea and couldn’t stay asleep for very long. He preferred dozing in front of the TV to laying in bed uncomfortably. He wasn’t getting real sleep either way. He eventually got a Cpap machine and it’s changed our lives. He did have to learn that when he comes to bed, he needs to not come in like an elephant in the jungle though. I can’t stand getting woken up. Sleep is sacred.
At any rate, he can’t leave the kids unsupervised all that time. Something has to change.
At any rate, he can’t leave the kids unsupervised all that time. Something has to change.
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Legend
Guest
Has anyone, friend, family member, passing acquaintance…be honest, even you, yourself…ever said anything to your husband, about his being ‘less of a man’ for not getting a job, supporting his family?
Men can be Hurt very badly, if made to think this way. Is your job one that is so insecure, as to making it possible that you could be fired, without notice?
I’m guessing that your husband feels like a failure, and is depressed. We really can’t solve anything here. But, I suspect that the OP already knows this. You are obviously disappointed that you haven’t generated an instant fan club.
See your doctor, priest, and a counselor. And listen to them. This will, most likely, be my last post here. This man needs something in his life that will make him see his own worth. Possibly working towards a degree? Job training? But I’ve said enough. Hoping for the best!
Men can be Hurt very badly, if made to think this way. Is your job one that is so insecure, as to making it possible that you could be fired, without notice?
I’m guessing that your husband feels like a failure, and is depressed. We really can’t solve anything here. But, I suspect that the OP already knows this. You are obviously disappointed that you haven’t generated an instant fan club.
See your doctor, priest, and a counselor. And listen to them. This will, most likely, be my last post here. This man needs something in his life that will make him see his own worth. Possibly working towards a degree? Job training? But I’ve said enough. Hoping for the best!
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Anesti33
Guest
Have you considered counseling? For both of you? Have you seen a priest? Have you both discussed the situation, with a priest?
What @LumineDiei said. Also, why do you see these things as “excuses”? What if he really is struggling and genuinely needs help? Wouldn’t it be better to get him help rather than concluding he is nothing more than a lazy bum? Your posts read like you want him to be nothing more than a lazy bum. I can’t understand why you would do that.Most of what he will read are excuses,
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Newhills
Guest
Wow. Is this the level of sarcasm that is present in your conversations with him? I don’t see that as helpful to the situation.He acts very happy and content.
I’m depressed. I’m burned out. I’m overwhelmed.
Given some of the advise here by prior posters though, maybe I should cater to him more. Maybe 3 hours of homeschooling is just too much responsibility for him. Maybe I should take that off his plate and do it myself in the evening after my 10 hours at work.
Maybe 8 or 9 hours of sleep a night is not enough for him. If I take homeschooling off his plate, maybe he could get another hour in. I shouldn’t be so selfish, I should be happy with the 4 hours I get, maybe even cut it back it a bit.
Maybe I’ll get him a bigger TV for his birthday, that will cheer him up. Perhaps I can upgrade our cable package since he’ll have just a little more time a day. I just hope 12 hours of TV isn’t neglecting his need for “me time.”
Clearly, the problem with my smiling husband is he is tired and depressed. Perhaps when I step up and do more, I’ll be happier myself.
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Newhills
Guest
And my unpopular opinion is that this reversal of traditional roles only makes the problem worse.
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umamibella
Guest
This is a welfare issue, your husband and yourself really need to adult and put your own hurts and troubles aside and make the children a priority. Frankly they will not be getting a sufficiently good education with the little time they have home schooling. Is it possible to put them in a school? Address that first, as their future is at stake.Umamibella, yes. They are unsupervised from 7 or 8 am until noon or later. Fortunately they are well behaved kids.
I have grown children and foster children and had to rescue them a few times at that age from killing themselves by childrens adventures, and racing them to the ED for typical childhood things like bike accidents and falling out of tree accidents.
I am sorry for your marriage troubles but your children are the priority, before a high paying job and all tv binges.
You are in my prayers. I understand your bitterness and struggles and exhaustion and frustration.
Frankly I am also surprised this has not been the focus of your thread, or replies to your obvious exhaustion and frustration.
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Newhills
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Yes, a fair point. However I believe that to be the exception.
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umamibella
Guest
2 or 3 hrs a day is not home schooling. As children reach higher levels of school, nightly study and homework should be taking up at least 2 hrs.In her family dynamics, it appears so, but please don’t write off all homeschooling fathers/SAHDs as some kind of bizarre aberration because they don’t fit your preference of “traditional roles”. There used to be a wonderful dad on CAF that went by “HoosierDaddy”…he stayed at home and his scientist wife was the primary breadwinner. He also homeschooled their 5 or 6 children and the family was active in a Latin Mass parish.
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WilliamC
Guest
Go to marriage counseling now. Has that not occurred to you at all? Perhaps he wants a career and a high paying job like you? You know men and women are different, right?
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RolandThompsonGunner
Guest
No one is saying his behavior is okay. It’s not. I can’t imagine how tired and frustrated you are. That said, we’re trying to figure out the reason for his behavior. There might be something there besides “he’s a lazy bum.” Or maybe not. Maybe he really is just a lazy bum.I sent him the link to this yesterday. I’m sure he’ll be happy with his vindication if he reads it when he gets up this afternoon.
If you were hoping that a bunch of anonymous internet people calling him lazy was going to change him…I’m not sure why you thought that would persuade him. Maybe marriage counseling would be good.
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